All The Young Punks Pt. 23

"No. Janie died before Jeanie was born. My Mom was pregnant, she almost lost the baby. She was hospitalized the day after Janie died. Jeanie was born two months later, premature but healthy."

"Janie, Jeanie, the J names."

"I know," Joe squeezed her tight. "Welcome to my life."

Joe was hoping that Tina hearing a shocking but not graphic version would shut her down. When he says Janie was looking him in the eye, it conveys how tragically intimate her death was for Joe. He was the last person she saw, and he was in a panic, yelling at her, running towards Janie, eleven feet away. He hoped that once Tina imagined that in her mind's eye, she would understand the trauma he suffered and she truly wouldn't know what to say, and he could give her his best advice... to say nothing.

It seemed she was figuring this out. They sat in a long silence. Joe then realized this conversation was different from all others because of who he was with and the intimacy of being in her bed. If he loved and trusted Tina and was imagining a future with her... maybe she should know everything. Joe kept talking.

"My dream always starts at the moment immediately before she was hit. I can see Janie twirling, she was always dancing. She moved between parked cars, twirling toward the street with her arms out. She's looking right at me, she's smiling, her missing tooth, her blonde hair flying sideways. I scream, 'Janie! No!"

He stopped for a moment. Tina said nothing.

"That's when I wake up, most of the time." He leaned back on his pillow as if he were in therapy. "In another dream, or sometimes the same dream, it jumps to my mother and father running out of the house in a panic, the blood-curdling screams of my mother are seared in my memory. I can still hear her in my mind. Everyone is frantic. My father is distraught, just falling to pieces in front of me. There's nothing he can do. He feels hopeless. Janie is so badly broken. There was so much blood. Her bones were sticking out. Jackie was six, on the front porch when it happened. I can hear her screaming, calling Janie's name. She was inconsolable."

Tina sat up and leaned against her pillows, looking into his eyes. "You don't have to tell me."

"Well." He inhaled and exhaled. "I've gone this far."

Tina touched his face. "I am so sorry. I can't even imagine how horrible it is to lose a sibling, never mind witnessing it. It's just..."

"Inconceivable," Joe said. "These memories are stitched together in my dreams, like bad film editing, choppy and chaotic. The dream leaps forward to the ambulance and fire trucks and so many cops and a hundred neighbors crowded on the street and looking out windows. Onlookers are crying. Everyone loved Janie. I have cops questioning me but I hear no words, the world goes silent because I'm in shock."

Joe sat quietly for a moment. Tina was still looking at him, her hands on his.

"My Mom and Dad were wrecked, crying, holding each other as the paramedics carefully placed her on the stretcher. I remember a fireman weeping and another fireman consoling him. I was sitting alone on the steps. I was not crying."

"Because you were in shock."

"Yes," he exhaled again.

Joe sat in another long silence. Tina said nothing, as he hoped she would. His mind was filling with details of that day. He flipped the sheets off. "Let's go out," he said while scooting off the bed. His demeanor flipped like a switch from somber to energetic.

"It's 11:50," she said.

Joe put his jeans on. "I know. I'm hungry. Let's go," he said hurriedly while reaching for his shoes. "Let's go out so I don't think about this anymore. I'm not going to sleep tonight. I know this for sure. I have to go out. I can go alone if you don't want to." He grabbed a tee shirt. "I won't be mad." He pointed to his head. "This is my problem. I know how to deal with it. I can't lie in bed with Janie on my mind. Trust me. I know this." Joe pulled the shirt over his head.

"Okay," Tina said, in a tone of concern. "Let me take a pee. Give me a minute."

Seven minutes later they were walking in The West Village, hand in hand, Joe was lit up.

"You're getting a crash course in my problems, right now. This shit happens sometimes, T." He turned and walked backward, facing her as he talked fast. "My sister dying is just the number one issue I have. It's a rat nest of anxiety and trauma up in here, and depression. Tell me when you've heard enough, you can bail out at any time. I would understand."

"It's like you just snorted coke. Why are you so wired?" Tina stopped. Joe stopped. A passerby had to swerve around them. "This is scaring me, Joe."

He nodded, "I know, that's why it's okay to leave. I'll understand." He lowered his voice and calmed his tone. "I'm having a manic moment. These don't happen often. It's better than a panic attack. Those are the worst. And the depression, fuck that shit. The mania is triggered by my brain replaying that day and it won't fucking stop. Once that horror film starts playing in the theater of my mind it just repeats itself, over and over, and I will never sleep. This is why I don't talk about that day." He paused to look Tina squarely in the eyes. "You can go home. I will totally understand."

"Actually, I'm hungry too." She took his hand and resumed walking. "I'm sorry I asked about Janie. I was thinking about this all day. I thought you had a girlfriend."

Joe laughed. "Oh, thank God it's a just dead little sister," he laughed again, harder. "Nothing to worry over."

Tina punched him, "That is not funny?"

"Oh yeah, it's definitely funny." Joe laughed demonstrably. "You must be so relieved I don't have a girlfriend named Janie." He paused. "It's just a dead sister!"

"Shut up, jerk." She looked up at him. "I can't believe you said that."

They continued walking in silence until Tina began snickering because it was darkly funny. Joe hugged her. It seemed the laughter calmed him down, a release of energy. They popped into the Skyline Diner. Joe ordered the twilight doubleheader, this time banana cream, and peach, with coffee. Tina ordered bacon, eggs, and toast.

Stirring her coffee, she looked up. "Did you say the dreams are silent?"

"It starts with her singing and laughing as she pirouettes, then I scream, and it goes silent during the screaming, until the very end." Joe sipped his coffee. Then found Tina's eyes. "There's one more thing. My Dad came over and said through his tears, crying at me, 'You're the big brother. You're supposed to watch over her."

"Oh, my God!" Tina's eyes grew wide. "He said that?"

"Yes, and that's when I start crying. I felt responsible... like it was all my fault. I hear his words in the dream, then it goes quiet again as they load my sister in the ambulance, and I never see her again."

There was a long silence. Tina put her hands across the table to hold his.

"I don't know why I told you all that," Joe said, fidgeting with his cream pie. "It just came out. That's my nightmare. I might wake you up sometimes, but it's happening less and less as the years go by."

"Did you have it a lot?"

"I couldn't sleep for the first year. I was afraid to."

"Seven years of therapy, huh? Tina snapped a piece of bacon in half with her teeth. "Do you still go?"

"No." "I'm eighteen. My doctor kicked me to the curb." He took a bite of cream pie and a sip of coffee. "She tried to pawn me off to another shrink. I don't want to start over again, retell all my horrors. Fuck that shit."

"When was your last appointment?"

"A few months ago, in June."

"You can tell me anything."

Joe laughed, "If I unloaded the tangled mess inside my head on you... you would run screaming for the exit like the building was ablaze."

"No. I wouldn't?" She squeezed his hand. "I cannot believe your father said that. That's awful."

"Oh, he knew it right away. Dad held me and apologized before he rode with Janie in the ambulance. In the middle of the night, he came to my room and lay in my bed, apologizing again, and crying with me. He felt terrible for saying those words."

"Of course he did."

"The thing is, I already felt that way. I was thinking about it before he said it. I should have stopped her."

"You can't do that to yourself."

Joe laughed, "Oh yeah I can. I did it for years." He exhaled. "Not so much anymore."

"Janie died that day?"

"No, she held on for two days. She was broken, brain damaged, and never would have fully recovered. I remember my grandmother saying it's better that she died, that Janie was in a better place, and this was all part of God's plan."

"I hate that shit."

"Me too. I love my Memere, but I'll never forgive her for saying that. It felt like she wasn't grieving. I'll never forget it. She made me hate God."

"But you don't believe in God."

"I did before Janie died."

---- STRAY CAT ----

Joe spent ten days with Tina and Lana. He was wise to not make promises back home regarding his return. He phoned once, five days in, not giving a timetable. This resulted in a surprise return, Jeanie running to him on the sidewalk when she saw him walking down Vinton Street with his duffel bag on his shoulder.

She hugged him in front of a neighbor's house. "I got your postcard yesterday. Did you go to that museum?"

"Yes, Tina and I spent a few hours there."

"That building is so cool." She took his hand to walk the last thirty yards home.

"The Guggenheim is actually cooler inside. It's a spiral ramp with art on the outer wall. You can look from the top all the way down. They had huge sculptures rising up from the bottom level."

"Will you take me there someday?"

"If you come to New York, I'll take you there."

Jackie smiled when Jeanie dragged Joe in like a stray cat. Jeanie called out, "Mom, Joey's home!"

Mom and Jules walked in to find him hugging Jackie.

"What did you get me?" Jules asked. "As she grabbed a piece of him with her arms."

"Jesus, do I have to bring gifts every time I go away?"

Jules looked up, "Yes."

"No." Mom said, "as she kissed him on the cheek. You don't have to bring gifts. You coming home is a gift enough."

Joe looked at Jackie. "Who is this lady, and what did she do with Mom?"

Joe put his duffle bag on the counter, opened it, and pulled out a bag. "I did get you something sweet."

"What is it?" Jules reached for the bag. Joe pulled it away and then held it over his head. "Take it easy. There's a story."

The four women stood around him, waiting, Mom in the back row.

"Tina has the sweet tooth of a five-year-old. It's kind of cute and funny, but it's also kinda sick. She will plow through a bag of candy like a raccoon in a dumpster."

The girls laughed, just a little.

"They don't need candy, Joseph," Mom said.

"Okay,' he smiled. "I got all their favorites, but I can eat them myself."

"Ma?" Jules whined. "It's not up to you."

"Oh, it's not?" Mom's hands went to her hips. "Then who's in charge?"

"Joey," Jeanie answered. "Because he bought the candy."

"So, Tina knows where every candy shop in town is. We had Katz's delicatessen for lunch one day, and she got all excited because there's this old-timey candy store right around the corner. So she drags me there with a belly full of pastrami and fries and latkes. The last thing I need..."

"Can we have our candy?" Jules begged. "Please?"

"It's not your candy until I give it to you." Joe was telling this story to tease his sisters. He knew they'd get antsy and impatient, so he spoke slowly. "Anyway. We had just pigged out on deli and the last thing I needed was more food. She drags me into this place, Economy Candy. It's been there for like... fifty years."

"Why do we need to know this?" Jules whined.

"It's the price you pay for candy," Joe said. "Anyway, she filled up a big bag. This size." He waved the bag over Jules' head. "That was just for her. I had to fill my own bag. On the subway, she's pounding Swedish Fish and Hot Tamales. T loves anything gummy."

"Me too!" Jeanie said. "Did you get me the fishies?"

"Take it easy. I'm almost done."

By now, Mom and Jackie know exactly what he's doing. They stand back and watch the girls practically pee themselves in anticipation.

"So, Tina is choking down candy, piling sweets on top of meat and latkes. When we got home, she turned pale, and then green, and she threw up in the toilet, meat and gummies. It was so gross."

"How old is she?" Mom asked.

"Tina is twenty going on six."

Joe reached into the big bag and pulled out little bags, handing them out to the sisters.

"Fishies!" Jeanie smiled. "And worms, Tootsie Rolls, and what's this?" She held up a bag of unknown sweets.

"I don't know," Joe said, "but it's chewy."

Jules hugged Joe for her bag of soft chocolate candies and Hershey Bars, Almond Joy, and Junior Mints. She likes creamy textures. Jackie got a bag of dark chocolate and chocolate-covered nuts, her favorite, crunchy. Joe handed Mom her bag.

"Me too?" She smiled.

"Hard candy, the ribbons and stuff. And butterscotch."

"What's a latke?" Jeanie asked.

"It's a potato pancake."

"Gross."

"Why? You like potatoes and pancakes."

"Not together," Jeanie said while stuffing a piece of taffy in her mouth.

"What did you get Dad?" Jackie asked.

"He gets to take any candy he wants from you girls."

Jules quickly disappeared, "I'm hiding mine."

After two days of hanging out at home. Joe went to the garage. He was not optimistic, but he held a little hope that Sal and Johnny had come to their senses. It was more than a month since the band last played. Nate and Sal were in the kitchen. Pops was in the back of the garage, wiping down his '68 Eldorado. Sal was quick to deliver good news.

"We have a club in Hampton Beach and another in Connecticut ready for us to set up a gig. They both have our card. The New London bar is where your friend from UConn hangs out. What's her name?"

"Chrissy."

"Did you fuck her?"

"No," Joe said flatly. "What's up with Johnny?

They did not come to their senses. Sal danced around the outpatient plan, to the point of repeating himself. He could see Joe wasn't moved. The situation deteriorated very quickly.

"You just don't get it, do you?" Joe said. "I'm not getting on stage. I won't go through that bullshit again."

"He's clean, and he's doing great," Sal said, just as Johnny walked in the door. "See for yourself."

"You just can't do the right thing, can you, Sal? You're an enabler. You're making matters worse, not better. The longer we don't play, the less likely it is we ever will. Does that make sense to you? I'm done!"

"Who do you think you are?" Sal took a step closer, looking down at him. "You're not the boss, Joe. We're all equal in this band."

Joe exhaled, "Yeah, and some pigs are more equal than others."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"It's from Animal House," Nate said.

"Animal Farm!" Joe corrected him.

"It means Joe thinks he's better than us," Johnny noted.

"I don't believe that," Joe said. "I'm not better than any of you, but I'm trying to be."

Joe walked to the steel door, took hold of the knob, and opened it. He looked back, "I'm done. I can't play these stupid games with you. If you can't take this seriously... I'm done."

He walked out. The door closed behind him.

Sal looked at Johnny. "Can you believe that asshole? He thinks he's better than us."

Johnny said nothing.

"What does he mean he's done?" Nate asked. "Is he quitting his own band?"

"I don't know," Sal said. "He's a fucking headcase. What the fuck else is he gonna do? He needs us."

Pops couldn't take it anymore. He walked over from his car polishing. "Wake the fuck up!" He yelled at Sal. "How blind can you morons be? Joe is the rocket ship and you guys are the monkey astronauts along for the goddamn ride."

"That's bullshit," Sal barked back. "We all do our job."

"And that kid has the biggest job of all. You're living in his dream. He has all the ideas, the plan, the ambition." He took a deep breath. "... and work ethic that made this all happen. What the hell would you monkeys be doing if he didn't ask Sal to join his band?"

No one answered.

"I guarantee he doesn't need you." Pops continued. "If this thing is finished he'll pick up the pieces and do it all over again with men he can depend on. Mark my words," he pointed at Sal. "You'll still be checking driver's licenses in my liquor store when Joe makes it big."

He glared at the three younger men. They had no reply. Pops walked out the same door Joe had just exited muttering something about clueless fucking punks.

That night, Joe spoke to Tina on the phone. He shooed his sisters out of the kitchen for privacy. That didn't stop them from eavesdropping. Before Joe could tell Tina his bad news, she went into the bad day she had.

"I went over to Simon's. Monk and Judy were there. We tried to get him to come out for lunch but he was having none of it. He said he wanted to watch TV. He wasn't hungry. I spoke with Judy outside. She says they're afraid he's becoming a shut-in."

"Of course, he's self-conscious of his injuries."

"It's not just that. They think Simon doesn't feel safe in New York anymore. He feels vulnerable."

"With those injuries, I would feel that also. His healing is as much mental as physical. We need to give him time."

"I know, but it was heartbreaking watching him make excuses. He's not the same person he was..."

"Of course he isn't Tina!" Joe cut her off. "He's fucked up, and I know what that's like."

"You don't have to get upset."

"I'm not. I'm just telling you that everything will happen on Simon's schedule, no one else's."

"Okay. I'm just saying people are concerned."

"That's fine, but we can't push Simon. It's okay to ask him to join us, but don't get pushy. You'll get the opposite of what you want, trust me on that."

"What happened at the garage?"

Joe told Tina the latest news which was the same as the old news. "I feel like I'm stuck in a Catch-22 scenario. To save my band I'd have to take Sal and Johnny's word that he's clean even as I don't believe him. I can't take him back to New York if he's not off drugs. Even if he is clean, I'm not sure I can trust him to stay that way. It could be the only way to save Johnny from himself is to blow up the band. Is that a Catch-22? I don't know. My head is so fucked up I can't think straight."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Tina said. "So, you'll be coming back soon?"

"Yes, my band's misfortune is your good fortune."

"You know I don't want that."

"I was joking."

After Joe hung up, he walked through the living room where Jules was pretending to be reading.

"That's not a Catch-22," she said.

"What?" Joe stopped walking.

"What you said isn't a Catch-22. I read your book. I know what it means."

"What makes you so sure?"

"I'm your smartest sister... you know?"

"Jackie's the..."

"Jackie gets some B's. I get all A's."

"Okay," Joe walked off. "Go tell Mom I just called you an arrogant little rat with big ears."

Joe would be back on the train to NYC soon with no timetable for his return. As far as he was concerned, The Young Punks were done.