Alvarez

But I can't carry this weight anymore.

"May I have permission to address the unit?" I'd bravely ask her.

And I would hold my breath.

1SG will probably be ready to tell me to get back in formation.

But LT will nod her head before he can speak.

"Be my guest," She would say.

I'd salute her and then I'd turn and see Alvarez standing there in front of the formation still glaring at me. And each step I take to go closer to him will seem like my legs are giving out from under me as if I am a child just learning to walk. But I will get there to where he is standing and I will turn towards everyone.

And I will say...

"Alvarez! Stop!"

But he won't listen to me as he slams me down to the ground and hovers over top of me, pinning my shoulders with his hands.

He will rip my ACU top open and unzip it in front of everyone. Then he'll start to undo my belt as he pulls my undershirt up from my pants. He'll expose my breasts in front of everyone and angrily lick and bite my nipples. Before unzipping my bottoms and dragging them down to wear they meet my combat boots.

I'd watch in horror as he unzips his own pants and exposes his erection to everyone in the unit. Then he'd flip me over and make me bend on my knees like I'm in prayer or as if I am a child hiding my head with the top of my hands in the hallway during a tornado drill. And he'll scream as he enters me.

"Thank you again"

I blink.

Alvarez gives a salute to LT and then falls back into formation. And just like that, the promotion ceremony is done. And my chance to tell the truth is gone.

XXXXXXX

Martinez, Goodwin, Raymond, and Lopez invite me out with them to go bowling. But I just can't take being around two couples when I am the only single person. And I honestly tell them this.

"We need to find you a new boo," Raymond says as we walk back to the barracks after final formation.

"I got some more Mexican friends," Lopez offers me, "I told you we're way better than the Cubans"

I laugh.

"I think I'm done dating hispanic men," I admit and am reminded of my earlier promise to myself that I will only date black men once Alvarez and I broke up.

Goodwin lets out a woop.

"I heard that," He says, "You want me to hook you up with some of my friends?"

"I have other black friends, too," Lopez says and pretends as if he's hurt, "Why do you think just because I'm hispanic that it means I don't have any black friends? That's racist"

Raymond rolls her eyes as Martinez and I laugh.

"No one is being racist against you, fool," She says.

"What about Brandon?" Martinez says to Goodwin suddenly obviously talking about someone they know, "He's single and I think he'd really like Wilkins"

"No, Brandon only dates light skins," Lopez interjects.

Goodwin throws him a look. Lopez isn't supposed to say that kind of thing around me and Raymond.

"What do you mean he only dates light skins?" Raymond asks defensively, "I already don't like that nigga and I don't even know him. Wilkins doesn't need some self hating coon ass"

Lopez throws his arm around Raymond, "Did I say light skin? I meant like skins. Like, as in, skin that's like his"

I can't help but laugh despite myself.

"Don't worry, Wilkins," Martinez assures me, "We'll find you somebody"

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

For dinner I decide to just walk to the Defac and get yet another to go box.

As I get closer to the line, I see King, the guy I met before, is the one serving the food.

He smiles when he sees me.

"Miss Royalty," He says and his white teeth basically sparkle, "What are you having tonight?"

"A to go plate," I tell him, "And the chicken please"

"Cool. Cool," He says as he grabs my plate and starts making it.

"Any sides?"

"Yes, the rice"

"Veggies, you gotta have those," He says.

I laugh.

"Yes, corn will be fine," I tell him.

He pauses.

"Hmm..." He looks down at my plate and lifts it up as if he's examining it.

But I don't know what he could be looking for.

"Fried chicken, black eyed peas and rice, corn..." He shakes his head as if he's disappointed.

"Don't tell me you're a southern girl," He says.

My eyes light up.

He could tell that just by what I'm eating?

Wow.

"Yes," I admit.

"Let me guess," He studies me.

"No, too nice for Alabama," He says then he shakes his head, "But too pretty to be from Georgia"

My heartbeat quickens a little when he calls me attractive. He's a flatterer. I can tell.

"Not stubborn enough to be from Mississippi," He keeps going, "But not enough twang for Tennesse"

Finally he snaps his fingers.

"Either Virginia or one of the Carolinas," He tells me, "Final guess."

I perk up.

"South Carolina," I tell him.

He shakes his head.

"I'm pretty good, aren't I?" He asks me.

"Yes," I agree, "You are"

"Let me guess for dessert you're going to go with the cheesecake, right?" He says.

"Uhhhh..." I say.

His face falters.

"You don't like cheesecake?" He asks me, "Did your grandma not raise you right?"

When he says that, I'm instantly reminded of being a little girl in the kitchen with my grandma, helping her make her strawberry cheesecake. I never ate any, but I always loved helping her.

"I'm more of a pound cake type of girl," I admit sheepishly.

King nods his head.

"I see," He says.

One of the other workers comes over to where King is standing talking to me.

"Not her again," He says, "Will you get back to work and leave this poor girl alone"

The guy then turns to me.

"I'm sorry that he keeps bothering you," He tells me, "He's thirsty as fuck"

I feel kind of confused, but King closes my to go box and hands it to me.

"Do you see how they treat me?" He asks, "Abusive. For no reason"

"Nigga, I heard that," The other guy says as he moves some of the trays of food to fill them up with different ones.

Then he stops and gives me the once over.

"Oh, you're a pretty little dark thing," He says as if he's seeing me for the first time.

I don't take offense to him calling me dark, though. All three of us are of varying dark skin complexions.

"And you're tall and skinny too! Girl, what are you doing in the Army?" He continues, "You should model!"

I laugh and look at King who just looks up at the ceiling and shakes his head.

The other guy elbows King in the ribs and King grabs his side.

"Well go ahead and introduce me to your little girlfriend," He says, "Since obviously you're not giving up"

King is about to say something, but before he can the guy reaches out and offers me his hand.

"Hi, I'm Jones. I work with King. He's been obsessed with you forever, but we all told him you had a boyfriend which apparently you do not according to the tea," He says.

I shake his hand with one of mine.

"I'm Majesty," I say, "It's really nice to meet you"

"Ok, I'll let you get back to not working, but only because she seems sweet," Jones says to King as he lets go of my hand.

Then he walks away again.

King just shakes his head.

"They just be telling all of your business working in here," He says, "Because they be all up in your business"

I laugh.

"So I guess you don't really go on instagram much do you?" He asks me suddenly.

I blink.

"No, not really," I admit.

"Oh," He says, "Did you get a new phone yet to replace the one your ex broke?"

My face brightens up.

"Yeah, I did," I say. I'm surprised he remembers that detail about my life. But then I realize that it kind of is unusual, so why wouldn't he? How many girls do you meet who's ex boyfriend breaks their phone?

"That's great!" He says, "My friend still was wondering if he could get your number"

My smile dims a little bit. I mean Jones made it sound like King likes me, too.

"I mean, I don't know if I'm comfortable with giving my number to your friend," I say, "Especially since I've never met him"

King shakes his head.

"No, he's a really cool guy. Trust me," He assures me, "You'll like him"

I decide to just be bold and straight to the point for the first time in my life. My heart is beating out my chest, but I take a deep breath and go for it. The lyrics of Tamia's "Almost" play in my head as I open my mouth.

"But I kind of already like you," I say quietly.

King's eyebrows raise. Then suddenly he bursts out laughing.

I feel an immediate wave of rejection, embarrassment, and like I'm about to cry all at the same time. I've never felt this embarrassed before in my life. This is what it must be like for guys.

This is feeling I guess Alvarez was too afraid to feel when he thought I would never give him a chance if he did try to ask me out. I almost understand why it would drive him to do all the things he did when it came to me at least. Because this feeling almost makes me want to jump in front of a train if it means I don't have to be this embarrassed anymore.

"Wow," King finishes laughing and I just stand there hoping that I at least have some dignity left.

He actually even wipes some tears from his eyes.

Suddenly I feel super insecure and mad.

"Is it because I'm dark skinned?" I snap at him, "Is that why you're laughing?"

King looks at me in shock.

There's a long pause between us.

"No," He says finally and his voice sounds in disbelief, "I don't have a problem with dark skin girls. My mom is dark skin. Shit my whole goddamn family is dark skin. I'm dark skin"

That makes me feel a little bit better. Maybe it's just because talking to me he realized that he wasn't as interested anymore as Jones made it seem like. I can turn around and leave now at least knowing that it isn't because of my skin tone. Something I can't control.

"Ok," I say, "Well I hope you find the girl that you're looking for"

And I mean it.

Then I turn around to leave with my head held high.

See, Alvarez? That's all you had to do. I wish I could just tell him that rejection isn't that bad. I mean, sure it felt bad when it first happened. But now I feel like I have tougher skin. This must be how Lopez can keep flirting with girl after girl even though he knows he can't be every single ones type.

Why couldn't Alvarez just accept that? Oh wait. Because he has to be the best. Because he has to get what he wants. Because he can't fail.

That's why.

I'm just about out the door when I feel someone grab my arm gently. I turn around and see King standing in front of me.

"Damn, you walk fast," He says.

"I have long legs," Is all I can think of to say as I stare at him in confusion.

Why did he follow me?

"I can see that," He says with a laugh.

I wait for him to say something else.

But he just looks everywhere but at my face.

"Are you ok?" I ask him nervously because now I feel awkward again.

"Yeah," He says, "Yeah, I'm cool"

I wait for him again.

And finally he just says, "Fuck it. I lied"

I look at him.

"What are you talking about? Lied?"

"Yeah," He says, "I don't have a friend that's interested in you. I mean, I probably do but I wouldn't help that motherfucker get with you because I want to get with you"

It all dawns on me. The talks we had. The laughing.

"Oh," I say in slight awe.

"Why did you say your friend wanted my number?" I ask him embarrassedly, "Why didn't you just ask me yourself?"

King shakes his head.

"I don't know, maybe because I was scared you were going to say no," He tells me, "But I messaged you on Instagram telling you the truth. But I guess like you said you don't go up there that often"

I can't help but laugh.

"I'm sorry," I say.

King laughs too.

Then he looks at me.

"So, can I have your number?"

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

This is my first actual date.

It hits me as I'm getting ready that Alvarez never took me anywhere.

Not to the movies. Not even to the restaurant at the beach that he ended up taking that new girl to.

We would just spend most of our time in my room. Having sex.

Wow. It doesn't even feel like I'm even that experienced. But I sort of am because I was with Alvarez for a long time.

I sigh as I put on my black platforms.

All that talk about how he wants to be with me forever and he couldn't even take me out to get ice cream? Not even a slice of pizza? How naive was I?

I go to the bathroom area and look in the mirror.

I'm wearing some fitted jeans and a white, v neck shirt. My hair is up in a puff and I have on my hoops. I put on some lip gloss, a little bit of mascara, and spray some perfume.

I walk back into my room and grab a purse. It feels right to carry one for some reason since this is a real date.

I take a deep breath and then I head out the door.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"That was one of the best movies I've ever seen in my life," I tell King as we walk out the theater.

"I told you," He says.

He convinced me to watch Creed. A boxing movie that I knew I wouldn't have any interest in because I don't like sports. But he swore that I would love it. I wasn't excited at all though. But I thought why not just give it a try? And I agreed to go out with him.

Throughout the entire movie I was entranced. I cheered, I shook my head, I even cried at the end a little which I had to hide from King. Because who cries on a first date?

We walk back to his black car and I get in. King doesn't open my car doors for me like Alvarez did. But I don't think it bothers me. It's just a difference between the two.

I think back in the movie how the main character's love interest had to deal with his dark side. And how eventually she realized that she had her own life to live and that she couldn't be his mother type figure. That he needed to get his shit together before he decided to come and enter her life again.

"I love how they portrayed the girl," I say to King as I'm thinking about all of this, "I'm glad they gave her a story of her own. She wasn't just there to support Adonis"

King laughs.

"I thought she was a little harsh when she closed the door on him in that one scene though," He tells me.

I know the exact scene he's talking about. I was just thinking about it.

"She had to do that," I say, "She's not his mother. I'm glad they put that in there"

"I don't know," King disagrees, "I felt like she should have helped him through that. He was going through some real, emotional dark shit"

I fold my arms and think about how similar the character of Adonis Creed is to Alvarez. Both grew up having to fight. In different ways though. For Adonis it was through foster care and juvie. For Alvarez it's like he had to fight with being the person his dad wanted him to be. Both also grew up without their parents really present in their lives. Thankfully, Adonis had a surrogate mother. But even that didn't fill the void of missing his real mom or the love of his father. And Alvarez's surrogate mom took advantage of him while even though his father is in his life it is basically like Alvarez doesn't even exist to him.

I thought I could help Alvarez through his emotional baggage. But me wanting him to change and stand by his side even when he was acting deranged like Adonis was in the 2nd act of the film...None of it helped. Maybe I should have been more like the girl in Creed. Maybe I should have closed the door and told Alvarez to come back to me when he's figured out his shit on his own. He has to fix his demons. I can't fight them for him. And he's not about to give them to me, run chaos through my life, and mess up what I've got going on.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"You're from Texas?" I can not wrap my mind around that as I sip on my sweet tea.

King and I are sitting across from each other at Texas Roadhouse. After the movie he asked if I would be ok with extending the night and going to get something to eat. And I agreed because I am actually having a really good time with him. I don't know what it is, but I find him super easy to talk to. Almost like I have known him for a while.

He takes me to Texas Roadhouse because he says it reminds him of home because he is actually from Texas himself.

"I know, I seem like I'd be from Pennsylvania or something right with the way I talk?" He asks.

And I shake my head. That's not what it is, but I'm suddenly reminded about the movie when he says that because it took place in Philly. Then it dawns on me the reason why I can't believe he is from Texas is because he feels so familial to me.

"You just seem to know all the things I know," I laugh, "I thought you might be from South Carolina, too"

He joins me in my laughter.

"I feel like we grew up the same way," I continue.

"Shit, that's just because we're both African American," He says, "Every black kid here grows up the same no matter where they were born"

I'm instantly reminded of how mad I got with Alvarez when he generalized all black people. I mean, it feels different when King does it because he is black. But still. I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't check him, too.

"That's not true," I say quickly.

"Yeah it is," King says adamantly, "I can prove it"

I laugh.

"How can you prove it?" I ask incredously.

"I bet your mom used to say, 'Fix your face before I fix you' didn't she?" He asks.

I burst out laughing at that one because he sounds just like my mom.

"Yeah," I gasp.

"Or, 'I'll give you something to cry about"," King continues.

I'm instantly taken back to my childhood with that one. Those words could make me stop my tears faster than someone turning off a faucet.

"I bet she used to tell you when you guys rode past McDonalds, 'Do you have McDonalds money? We got food at the house'" King asks.

I burst out laughing again.

"I used to be so sad when she wouldn't stop!" I say as if we have the same mom and he's my long lost brother and we're reminiscing.

"Didn't you hate it even more when she would get herself something but would tell you that you had to eat the nasty ass beans and rice she made at home instead?" He asks me.

I nearly levitate at that unlocked memory.

"Why did she always do that?" I say and I really do feel like we're talking about the same person. Does he know my mom?

"Man, the worst though is when you would be in your room on a Saturday, happy because it is the weekend and ready to sleep in, and then hear some loud ass R&B or Gospel music blaring. Because you know your ass is fine getting up and cleaning for the rest of the day," He continues.

I am laughing so hard that tears begin to form in my eyes.

"See," King says, "I told you"

It takes me a while to stop giggling, but I finally do.

"Not all black people grow up like that though King," I keep pressing the issue despite the fact that he basically described my entire childhood.

"All of my friends did," He says, "Unless their parents are from Nigeria or Jamaica or something"

"That's not true," I still refuse to believe.

But then King looks at me.

"Man, how many black people do you actually know?" He asks with a laugh.

Then it dawns on me that Raymond is my first black friend. Bennett is only half black, but even still.

I mean I grew up in a small country town in South Carolina. The same place my ancestors used to be enslaved and pick cotton in. None of them ever left. I didn't grow up in the white part of my town either. Because even though segregation hasn't been a thing there since the Jim Crow era, we still call certain places the 'white' and 'black' areas. And my schools were the 'black' schools. We didn't even have one white kid or nonblack person in our classes. And my teachers and principals were all black, too. And when I leave the Army I plan to go back and go to the Historically Black College that is there, as well. The one my grandmother and mother went to.

So, I thought because I grew up around all black people and plan to stay around them in my country bumpkin town, that it makes me an expert. But now I realize that I really didn't engage with those from my culture. And not because I didn't want to, but because I felt like they didn't want me. They would tease me because of how quiet I am or make fun of me because they saw I liked to read books. Even the girls who let me sit with them at lunch in High School would talk to me in a backhanded way. Almost like they were being condescending and laughing at me behind my back. I wasn't really part of their group. Just someone to pick on and laugh at. Like the Hunchback in the Hunchback of Notre Dame.