All Comments on 'Always Ch. 03'

Poor poor boy, nothing is ever simple!! Or easy. Great story, i'm waiting for the next chapter!

The loss of friendship thing worried me, but it's all cool. I liked Leon's parents. Their funny.

I like the story but the flow is pretty choppy. I think you would benefit from a beta reader/ editor; they can help you smooth things out and make the piece more readable.

You would definitely benefit from an editor. You have interesting characters and a decent story going here, it would be a million times better if it was grammatically correct and had a cohesive flow to it. I like what you have so far, but you need to sharpen things up a bit. Keep up the good story development and look for an eagle-eyed editor.

I am definitely loving this story. Although, I do seem to be seeking out more hints about maybe Alex and Max. I'd ship them :)

I love the story and I think you are doing fantastic. Thanks for sharing, and please keep it coming!

As people said, a beta reader and editor would help you alot. Overall, I like the characters alot. The side characters help alot too and are a great addition. I'd love to see Max and Alex's story next ;)

A beta reader goes over it and points out areas where plot can be helped or where something might be contradictory. If I were beta reading this I'd have made notes like:

-they've been close friends and live next door to one another all this time and Cam never was in Leon's room? They aren't 9 and therefore playing in the backyard on the weekends. They'd hang and play games and watch TV and stuff and as you had Cam react when they were going to work on their project, he'd have kept Leon away from his fighting parents and gone to Leon's

-Cam never reacted in the natural way someone would with a 'Leon, you're not gay!' or 'Leon, you're straight. Are you playing with me?' or some such reaction of 'what the heck? he's the hot, straight guy who I have no chance with. Then the rest of Cam's reaction was perfect.

-You mixed things up when you said Kim had stopped by and they'd missed her and then you called Kat 'Kim' through the rest of the scene by mistake. It got confusing!

I'd also tell you what I like and make comments like.

-I like the interplay between different characters like Max and Cam making Leon jealous. The sweet Alex and 'straight' Max.

-Jeez, Leon's mom is a ditz. That was rude to call him a girl!

-Cam's mom is a selfish bitch who shouldn't have had kids! He should be happy she has time for him? Wow!

So, try to get someone to help out. An editor can go over it after the beta reader goes through it and correct for grammar, spelling, etc. They can also make notes like above too. They'd polish it up for you mostly.

Good luck!

Keep writing.

~Cannd

Thanks for leaving comments!:) I tried contacting some editors and I haven't received any reply but I won't give up! I just hope that my mistakes won't detour anyone from my story:/. And thank you to those who leave helpful tips, they really help me develop my writing:) Thanks for reading! <3

-Angel

I like where this is going and can't wait to read more... I won't add to what has been said but I won't stop reading

i really like your writing style and cant wait to see what you come up with next...

It was so romantic how Leon stood up for his relationship with Cameron. I was laughing when Leon was hit with a spoon!

More! More! More! I am absolutely obsessed! I need some more :)