Amorous Goods: CheckMate

"What the fuck is going on down here?" Nick roared, irritation finally overcoming confusion. "And what the fuck time is it?"

Hestia slipped past the still-struggling Apollo and Athena and made introductions. Pointing first at the laughing man, she said, "That is Hephaestus. And that is Ares," she continued, pointing at the irate man. "They...do not like each other much."

"No shit," Nick responded. "Why not? And how the hell did we escalate to a shooting war in my dining room this quickly?"

"Well, Hephaestus is married to Aphrodite, who does not like him very much," Hestia explained. "She prefers to chase after Ares, who seems to be powerless to resist her...charms. Each is jealous of the other, and fights break out whenever they are in the same area."

"Well, they only have to be together for the next week. Can they keep it together for that long?" Nick asked.

"Maybe?" ventured Hestia, her lack of confidence apparent.

Letting out a sign of frustration, Nick turned first to Hephaestus. "OK, fine then. There's an apartment over the garage out back. You can stay out there this week. There are plenty of half-finished projects and bits of detritus in the garage. You can tinker to your heart's content." Turning to Ares, he continued, "And you, you will be staying upstairs with Apollo. Try not to destroy anything. At least not anything too expensive."

Glaring at both men now, he asked, "Will you two be able to handle meals together or do I need to keep you separated at all times?" Chagrined, they both mumbled that they could behave before heading to their assigned rooms.

"I sense a distinct decrease in the amount of awe you are showing towards us Olympians," Athena joked, clapping him approvingly on the shoulder. "That was well done. Looking at their behavior, you would think they were twelve-year-old boys, not gods who have been around for thousands of years."

Turning back to Hestia, he said, "Thanks for the info there. I don't suppose there's anything to eat this morning?"

Hestia promptly brought out a Greek omelet, stuffed with leftovers from their meal by the campfire. "You know," Nick said after taking a bite, "you don't always have to do all the cooking. I would be happy to help, or even be in charge of a meal or two. I'm not a bad cook, after all." Hestia waved his suggestion away wordlessly as he began to tackle the mountain of homework awaiting him.

Taking a break, Nick stood on his partially completed porch and surveyed the work that remained. Athena found him there and stood beside him in companionable silence. "This is good work," she finally said.

"Thanks," Nick said. "Were you looking for me, or just taking a break from being inside?"

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you about Zeus and Hera," she answered. "I have been giving some thought to why they have not been released yet, and I have a possible answer. Unfortunately, it is just a theory at this point. Doubly unfortunate, if I am right, we have a real problem."

"Let's start from the beginning. What's your theory?"

"Well, as you know, Zeus and Hera are the king and queen of Olympus, arguably the two most important Olympians," Athena began before pausing in thought. "My theory is that, because they are most important, their pieces may need to be put into an exceptionally potent environment to free them."

"So, you're saying that you think that I can release six of you by putting your pieces in a pretty good environment, but for those two it will have to be perfect?" Nick asked.

"Think of it like this," Athena explained. "We were able to release Hephaestus by putting him in the vicinity of a blacksmith's forge. If I am correct, to hit this higher-level alignment, you would have needed to put him in a forge fueled by a volcano, or something similarly momentous."

"Shit," was all Nick could come up with. "Any idea how we can test this theory of yours?"

"I do have one idea," Athena responded. "I talked to Janet, and she confirmed that Brad is working tomorrow. I also confirmed that there are going to be violent thunderstorms all day. If I am right, and Brad flies out in the middle of a thunderstorm, the combination of flight through the sky, amidst thunder and lightning, could combine enough overlapping elements to release Zeus. Ideally, his passenger would be a judge, or a ruler of some kind, though we will have to make do, I suppose."

"Shit."

"Very eloquent, Nick," Athena drawled.

"I guess there's nothing to do but wait, then," Nick finally responded. "Shit."

Climbing into his truck the next morning, he glanced upwards and again saw dark storm clouds gathering overhead. "Fingers crossed," he muttered to himself before turning the key and backing out of the driveway.

As the storm raged on, Nick again found himself sitting in his living room, staring at the chess set. Brad had dropped the Zeus pieces off after his shift was done, confirming that he had taken two separate trips through the worst of the thunder and lightning. The anticipation of Zeus' arrival had even drawn Hephaestus out of the garage, where he had been generating loud bangs and clouds of noxious smoke all day.

As the second hand began its final rotation before midnight, they all leaned forward in anticipation. Finally, the Zeus pieces vanished from the mantle and appeared on the board, accompanied by a blinding flash of lightning and a crashing rumble of thunder. As Nick blinked the spots from his eyes, he was able to see a bearded man standing next to the fireplace.

"Brother!" cheered Hestia, rushing over to hug him.

As the rest of the Olympians greeted Zeus, Athena looked at Nick with a pensive frown. They both knew that this proved her theory correct. They also now knew that freeing Hera in time was going to be a challenge. Finally, Zeus walked up to Nick and pulled him into a tight hug. "You are doing us a great service, mortal, and we will not forget it."

Blushing, Nick waved off the praise, saying, "How could I ignore a beautiful woman who suddenly appeared in the middle of my living room?" Eventually, things wound down and everyone headed for bed, except for Apollo, who headed for the couch, having ceded his bed to Zeus.

The next couple of days passed without incident. Hestia prepared a dazzling array of mouth-watering meals, Hephaestus and Ares bickered, and everyone tried to come up with a plan to free Hera. Unfortunately, every suggestion was either impossibly difficult or lacking in magical oomph. Janet continued to bring the Hera pieces to the hospital with her, including at several births, but nothing changed.

Thursday night, Athena turned to Nick and said, "We have been plotting on how to release Hera, but how do you plan to free Aphrodite? You indicated that you had a distasteful idea when we first spoke."

Grimacing, Nick said, "I do have a plan and it is distasteful...to me at least. One of the fraternities on campus is having a big Halloween toga party tomorrow night. There should be plenty of lust there, if not much love."

"Your face makes it seem as if you are preparing for battle, not a party," commented Athena. "Who will you take with you? You should never enter a battle without at least one companion."

"Frat parties are not my thing, at the best of times," Nick explained. "On top of that, my ex-girlfriend Maggie is likely to be there with her latest boy toy and she never misses an opportunity to pick a fight, especially a public one. I guess battle isn't too far off, now that I think of it."

"I will go with him," Hestia volunteered with a surprising amount of excitement.

"I guess I'll be going into this battle with Hestia by my side," Nick commented with a half-smile that he tried to suppress. "Maybe this won't be a complete disaster after all.

After dinner the following night, Nick and Hestia donned togas that Athena had crafted that day. Finally, unable to put it off any longer, Nick said, "It's time to go. To a party. Yay," he sarcastically finished.

"You will be fine," Athena assured him.

"There will be music," Apollo helpfully added.

"I will be by your side the whole night," Hestia said.

"Well, at least one of you can sell this," Nick said, rising and heading for the door with Hestia by his side.

Nick parked a block away from the fraternity house and he could already hear the shitty music blaring into the night. Before his mood could darken any further, Hestia squeezed his hand and looked up into his eyes.

As Nick's eyes adjusted to the strobing lights in the middle of the party, his heart sank even lower. In a darkened corner, he spotted Maggie making out with some guy. Nick idly wondered if this was that TA he had heard so much about before their breakup. Realizing that he didn't care any longer, he turned back to Hestia and asked, "Do you want a drink?"

"I would enjoy a beer, please," she responded.

On his way back from the bar, Nick was suddenly accosted by an already-intoxicated Maggie. "Well, look who's here!" she slurred. "Mr. No-Fun Stick in the Mud himself. Decided to lower yourself to hang out with the drunks and the losers? If you're trying to get back with me, you'd better think again. I've got a new boyfriend who isn't such a dud in the sack."

Before Nick could come up with any sort of response to her deranged rant, he was almost bowled over. "Oh, there you are!" Hestia cooed, draped across his arm. "I was wondering where you had wandered off to. I cannot have my sexy boyfriend getting waylaid by any of these tramps tonight. I need you all to myself." She punctuated this last sentence by suggestively grinding her body against his side.

Stunned, Maggie was unable to form a coherent sentence. Hestia delivered the final blow, pulling Nick down for a soul-searing kiss that seemed to last for an eternity.

Still in a fog, Nick turned back to Maggie and simply said "I'll pass on the whole 'taking you back' thing, actually. As you can see, I've clearly upgraded." He and Hestia then turned away and dove into the roiling mass on the dance floor.

They spent hours in that mad cauldron of raw lust, alcohol, and loud music. Caressing touches, quick kisses, and the occasional squeeze punctuated their frenzied dancing. Eventually, Nick saw that it was after 11 and shouted into Hestia's ear, "We have to get going. We don't want Aphrodite showing up in the middle of all this."

Shuddering at that thought, Hestia agreed and they made their way out the door. Arriving home with just minutes to spare, she put the pieces on the mantle as they joined the group in the living room. As usual, the pieces vanished just before midnight, reappearing on the board. Yet another Olympian appeared in Nick's living room, though she did so with her own distinct style.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, Aphrodite had a body that was meant to generate lust on sight. Her slightly messy blonde hair looked like she had just gotten out of bed, and her porn starlet curves engendered thoughts of frenzied mating.

She fixed Nick with a sultry stare, and purred, "Well hello there, sexy."

"Nope!" cried Nick. "Nope. No. Not happening. Not getting in the middle of that shit. Just no."

Nick's response to Aphrodite's standard seductress routine had Apollo and Athena laughing hysterically. Athena finally managed to get control of herself, which only lasted until she saw the stunned expression still pasted on Aphrodite's face. She again lost control and laughed until tears poured down her face.

Looking around the room, Aphrodite was shocked to see no offended faces at this mortal's rudeness to a goddess. Hephaestus grinned slightly, while Ares gave her a stone-faced glare.

Seeing nobody prepared to smite him for his impudence, Nick said, "OK. We only have a few more days left and I don't want any more fighting in my house. So, Aphrodite, since you two are married, you will be staying in the garage apartment with Hephaestus. Come in and join us for meals or to hang out, but do not cause any trouble, please."

Turning to Ares, he continued, "And you, keep it in your pants. Toga. Whatever. No fighting, no fucking, no problems."

To Zeus, he asked, "We good?"

Zeus nodded regally.

"OK. I'm going to bed. Frat parties are the worst. Even with the best company." Before he could climb the stairs, Hestia stopped him and gave him another warm kiss.

"Thank you for taking me with you tonight," she said. "And for dancing with me. I do not usually get to attend such things and it was a treat." With another kiss, she passed him on the stairs and he followed slowly behind her, again enjoying the view.

The rest of the weekend was strangely quiet, despite the addition of the tension-raising goddess. Despite their continued best efforts, nobody could solve the Hera problem. In desperation, Nick invited Brad and Janet to join them for a brainstorming session and early dinner on Sunday.

"Remind me what Hera's specialties are," Janet asked, joining the group around the dining room table.

"My wife is the queen of the gods," Zeus began. "She is the goddess of marriage, women, and families, and she is the protector of women during childbirth. She is also, to be frank, a jealous and spiteful bitch. But we have to release her to ensure our own freedom, so we need a plan."

"OK right, Janet said, ignoring Zeus' aside. "So that's why you guys had me bring her pieces into the delivery room several times."

"Yes, but that was clearly unsuccessful," agreed Athena.

"What about taking her pieces to a wedding chapel?" asked Brad. "I'm sure we can find somewhere around here with a wedding going on, even on a Sunday night or a Monday."

"An ordinary wedding would not be sufficient to release Hera," said Athena. "Even a marriage between important or influential mortals would not be enough. For a wedding to be sufficient..."

After a pause, Brad said, "Athena?"

"Yes?" she responded, startled out of her distraction.

"You said 'for a wedding to be sufficient' but then just trailed off. Did you think of something that might work?"

"It is possible," she responded. "Probable, even. But it would be a move of pure desperation. And it would have serious consequences." She trailed off, again, glaring into space.

"Athena?" Brad asked again.

"My apologies. The only way that a wedding could have sufficient impact to release Hera would be if a god or goddess was getting married." Athena explained. "Unfortunately, for an Olympian to marry a mortal, they would have to give up their immortality and be barred from ever returning to Olympus. It is the ultimate sacrifice for love."

Athena's pronouncement cast a pall on the gathering, rendering them silent.

"I will do it."

Everyone turned towards the kitchen, seeing Hestia standing there.

"I will do it," she repeated. "I will marry Nick. If he is willing."

"No," Nick said, moving towards her as her gaze dropped to the floor. "I can't ask you to give up everything just to be stuck here with me. That wouldn't be fair to you. There has to be another way."

"There is no other way," she disagreed. "And it will not be much of a sacrifice for me. Would it be such a burden for you to have me?"

"Not at all," Nick said. "I've loved having you here. I've been dreading the day when you all return to Olympus and leave me here. Alone in a house that's too big and too quiet for just me."

Tears in her eyes, Hestia gently took Nick's face in her hands and drew him down for a loving kiss.

"OK," Nick finally said. "We'll do it. We'll get married. But only on one condition. We go on an actual date. That frat party doesn't count. Tomorrow night, I'll cook dinner for you, for a change, and we will do something fun afterward."

Blushing, Hestia agreed to his terms. Having a plan, the discussion turned to arranging the wedding of a goddess in just two days. Their input apparently unnecessary, Nick and Hestia adjourned to the couch to spend some time getting to know each other a little better.

Nick enlisted Athena's assistance with keeping Hestia out of the kitchen so that he could surprise her for their date. Though Nick lacked the range that Hestia had shown, he was a good cook with a few dishes that really impressed, and he wanted to go all out for her.

Walking down the stairs, Hestia found Nick waiting nervously with one hand behind his back. His face lit up and he presented her with the hidden bouquet. Kissing him, she admired the beautiful flowers. Turning, she saw that the dining room was warmly lit by a selection of candles spread throughout the room.

Placing her flowers into a vase on the table, Nick guided her into her seat. "I hope seafood is OK," he said. "I made seared scallops with a lemon-cream sauce and roasted broccoli with parmesan and garlic. There is also dessert, but that's a surprise, for now."

Smiling broadly, Hestia said, "It looks and smells amazing. Now I am starting to regret not letting you help with some of the cooking when you asked." Digging in, Hestia groaned with pleasure.

"I may not have your skills, but I've been living on my own for a long time. I know my way around the kitchen and have even been known to clean a bathroom or two," he added with a wink.

Conversation flowed easily throughout dinner, and Hestia was duly impressed when Nick brought out the creme brulee that he had cooked that afternoon. Dessert devoured, they proceeded to the next phase of their date, a night out at Nick's favorite bar.

Walking into Pain in the Axe, Nick spotted several friends sitting at a table near the back. Greeting them, he said, "Guys, this is my fiancée Hestia. Hestia, these degenerates are my classmates and friends." The group toasted his surprising engagement and insisted that the couple join them. Drinking, throwing axes, and chatting with Nick's friends, Hestia had more fun than she had ever experienced before.

Returning home, Nick and Hestia stood in the entryway, frantically kissing. Nick's hands slid down to her waist, pulling her more tightly to him. Finally, they broke apart, panting, and stared into each other's eyes.

"You should probably go upstairs before I do something we might regret," Nick said.

"I doubt there would be much regret," Hestia replied, blushing.

"Maybe not, but we've got a wedding to get to tomorrow. Wouldn't want to be late." With one last kiss, Hestia reluctantly went upstairs to the room she shared with Athena.

The entire next day passed in a blur for Nick. Gods, goddesses, and humans ran amok on his property, getting the backyard ready for an intimate ceremony and a raucous celebration. Finally, somehow, Nick found himself standing between Brad and Zeus, with a crowd of people sitting and watching him.

Unbeknownst to him, Nick's friends had quickly spread the word about his engagement, and 25 or 30 people had shown up for the occasion, forgoing other Halloween celebrations. Music started playing and the crowd stood, turning to watch Hestia approaching, escorted by Apollo and accompanied by Athena.

Hestia looked radiant in a dress that Athena had somehow managed to craft in just two days. Smile splitting his face, Nick couldn't take his eyes off her as she proceeded down the aisle, coming to stand in front of him. Zeus officiated a simple ceremony, and their kiss lasted for more than a minute.

The party raged on for hours, with more people showing up as the word spread. Nick was shocked to discover how many people he knew, both from school and from growing up, who were willing to drop everything to come and celebrate with him. He managed several dances with Hestia before Athena snagged him, passing Hestia off to Apollo. Throughout the evening, he danced with all of the goddesses, as well as many of the other guests.

As midnight approached, Nick, Brad, and Janet joined the anxious Olympians in the living room, leaving the revelers in the yard. Hestia's grip on Nick's hand tightened. As the final minute began, she whispered into his ear, "I love you. However this turns out, thank you for making me so happy."