Amorous Goods: Ep 513 The Cricket

Prologue:

A lifelong collector of goods and objects from far and wide has passed and left the entire collection and the business built around them to the only remaining relative, a niece on a career path of her own. Vikki has taken on the task of administering the estate and liquidating the business and collection. However, she has come to find out that many of the goods have been cursed or enchanted with amorous powers that affect those who encounter them. These are the stories of some of those encounters with objects found at Amorous Goods.

Episode 513: The Cricket

Dave could not believe his luck. Another meeting had just been scheduled for this afternoon. The Dean had done this so many times on a Friday afternoon he wasn't sure he could take it anymore. She had only been here two years and was ambitious. Did she not know how things worked at Fording?

Dean Salet was given the task of raising 65 Million over the period of one year. They weren't even close. If Dave's promised donations came in he would bring in 34 million. The other twelve members of the fundraising team might muster five. Was that his fault? Did he have to suffer every time the Dean felt the urge to yell at everyone?

He closed his email and trudged towards the conference room. Yvonne joined him. "You don't look happy, Dave," she said. "Have a hot date this evening? Best reschedule."

Yvonne was always prying into his private life. She also flirted with him and made inappropriate comments about his body. What was he to do about it? File a complaint? He was the only male on the team with twelve women. When the Development, Research and Alumni department appointed Dean Salet, she promptly fired half of the department. He was the only male that survived.

The empty slots were filled with clones of Yvonne. Middle aged, fat, frumpy women that looked like Wilford Brimley. They had zero personality, yet thought they were "cultured". He was just a common peasant from the country to them. If it weren't for Faith, he would have quit long ago.

Faith was the webmaster. "Web Editor" was her official title. She was younger than him by a decade, and totally hot. An Irish beauty if there ever was one. The actress Caitriona Balfe from Outlander came close, but Faith had larger breasts. They got him through these meetings. They were very large. Her nipples poked through any bra she wore. He loved to make her laugh as he got a flash of her beautiful smile, and some serious pokies.

He couldn't find Faith at the meeting. Once it started, he was startled to find out why.

Dean Salet started the meeting on a grim note. "The Dean is aware we are not going to make our mark of 65 million. He is not happy. What we are short comes mostly out of our budget. We've had to let many people go. The seven of us must pick up the slack."

The rest of the meeting went in one ear and out the other. The woman had destroyed the department in two short years. He had worked there 23 years and had never seen anything like this. He had some thinking to do.

Dave decided he would spend the weekend on the Cape. He had driven the highway, but never stopped long enough to take it in for any length of time. He knew just the spot. With any luck, he wouldn't return.

---------------

Cokerville was a cute little village on the ocean side of the cape about halfway to Greenside, the city at the end. It was famous for its art, shops, and an odd collection of people. Even the hotel he was going to stay at was different. He had a choice of themes for the room. He thought he would be safe with "Western", but the stirrups hanging over the foot of the bed and rope ties on the headboard dashed any thoughts of that. At least it was cheap.

He knew many of the shops had found quite a lucrative niche and planned to spend the weekend trying to bump the fundraising amount he had achieved. He didn't know a thing about web design and needed Faith to be rehired. Not only would he miss her boobs, he just knew Dean Salet was going to make him take over the role of Webmaster. She didn't seem to like him, and gave him most of the crap assignments.

His first day was a bust, but he enjoyed an all you can eat crab dinner that was offered. While sitting there cracking shells, he overheard the strangest conversation.

"I'm telling you, Louise, you have to return that thing. It's cursed."

"Don't be silly, Fred, you were just feeling frisky."

"I was not! I was dead tired and wanted to sleep, but you popped the cork on that stuff and I was up all night."

"Oh don't be silly. It is just perfume."

"Perfume that gives me a...stiffy(whispered) that wouldn't end. It only went away this morning!"

Dave casually turned to see who was talking. To his astonishment, an elderly couple were sitting in the booth behind him. They had to be in their 80s.

"Mind your own business, buster. I'm not too old to put a licking on your skinny ass!" said the man.

"My apologies sir, I didn't mean to eavesdrop. I am an investigator with the FDA, however. Might I ask where you purchased the perfume? If dangerous goods are being sold, I need to know about it."

"Oh Fred, the perfume isn't dangerous. If it made you randy, that's a good thing."

Fred was animated. "Tell that to my Johnson, Louise! You try and sleep when the dang thing is chafed and sore, but still won't keep still."

"Really, Fred, that is enough. You are starting to cause a scene. Just tell this nice young man where you bought it."

Fred lowered his voice. "Amorous Goods" It's just off the main drive on the south end of town. I hope you shut the place down." He got up and grabbed Louise's arm, leaving money for their check. Dave didn't notice them snickering to each other as they left.

The next day he found himself in front of the strangest shop he had ever seen. It had a small entrance on the corner of another shop. Unless someone pointed it out, you would never notice it was there. An old wooden sign hung over the door. "Amorous Goods, est..." the date was completely faded.

Instead of tinkling bells when he entered, it sounded like a girl had giggled. He looked around, but no one was there. He took in the rest of the shop and nearly started laughing.

It looked like a complete hodgepodge. There was no theme at all. Trinkets and baubles lay next to things like tubas, surfboards and Chuck Norris weight machines. There were ancient looking items like stone axe heads and knives. In one corner stood a miniature of the Rhode's Colossus, and next to it on a wall was a Mississippi license plate with the name "Elvis'' on it.

"May I help you?"

He turned and almost laughed again. The woman before him looked like Elvira. With anorexia. Her arms were barely thicker than a broom handle. Her eyes were sunken, but not her chest. The silicone practically bounced up and down as she walked towards him. Her dress was cut so low he was terrified that a tit might fall out and come completely off.

Yet she was young. 30 at the most. The poor thing. She looked to be near death.

"My name is Adeline. I work for Vikki." she said. "Welcome to Amorous Goods. The items we sell here are special. Be careful and don't touch anything. I will help you pick what you need."

"I'm not here to shop," Dave said, "I'm here to ask if you sold some perfume to an elderly couple."

Adeline rolled her eyes. His balls cringed. Her eyes were so sunken and dried out, it felt like there should have been crunching sounds. "You are the man pretending to be an FDA inspector."

Had the couple warned her? He only told the fib because he felt Fred would be eager to turn in the shop. "My apologies, Adeline. I was very curious about the perfume you sold Fred."

Adeline laughed. She had one tooth in her entire mouth. Her right eye tooth had elongated and looked like a serrated lightning bolt. It was stomach churning to see. "They fooled another, hah! They've sat in that tourist trap for years and lured people here with that perfume tale."

"You mean it isn't true?"

"Of course it's true!" she snapped. "Fred loves the stuff. He is in here constantly buying more."

"May I see a bottle."

"No." She snapped again.

"Why not?"

"Because that is not what you came here for. You came here for The Cricket."

"How would you know-"

"No more questions. Come with me."

She turned and led him to a corner in the back. A door was on the wall that should have opened into the next building. She fumbled with a key and opened it, then motioned him in.

The room was amazing. It made no sense physically. It was larger than the shop itself and would have completely filled the next door shop, had it opened into it. It seemed to be in a space of its own. The walls were covered with vault doors. Some were large, some were small. Some opened into the ceiling. Some were in the center of the room and opened into nothing.

It was to the largest of one of these that she led him. "Careful now, no sudden moves." She pushed him to the side of the door and indicated he should wait there.

Instead of keys or a combination, she started to chant. In a few seconds the door opened. To his surprise it opened to a small shelf. On the shelf was a small box. It looked like a jewelry box that would have a spinning ballerina and music inside. Adeline picked up the box, then closed the vault door. She handed him the box.

"Total price is three hundred. Two hundred now, the remainder if you are satisfied."

He looked at the box. "That's really steep, what is it?" She motioned for him to hand it to her.

With the box in hand, she lightly rubbed the side. The top opened and inside was a small dais on which was mounted a solid gold cricket.

"Behold The Cricket. Do not release him, no matter how much he begs."

"What does he do?"

She rolled her eyes again. He nearly vomited at the sight. "What do cricket's do? Are you serious? They serenade us at night with their love. The cricket plays and plays, hoping to charm a lover to join him."

Story of my life, he thought. "You want me to pay $300 to listen to a cricket?"

"Why do I get the thick ones?" she muttered to herself. "Listen, Sonny, just open the box in a room with someone you love. The Cricket will take care of the rest."

Sonny? "How old are you?" Oh crap, he asked it aloud. His thoughts seemed to bounce off the room.

She ignored the comment and led him to the front of the store. "$200. You need this more than you know."

He couldn't believe he was paying for it. Maybe it was all the crap at work. He just felt like doing something ridiculous. It was probably fake gold to boot.

Was that Faith's car? He was headed back to the hotel, but thought he saw her turn into the beach parking lot. She drove a unique car. It had to be her.

He pulled up to the old Karmann Ghia and parked. Where she found the thing he didn't know. The rest of the staff at Fording snickered at it. They had no idea what it was worth.

"Dave!" she yelled. "Over here! What on earth are you doing in this town?"

"I was just about to ask you the same thing. I was headed back to the hotel when I saw your car go by."

She raised an eyebrow. "You are staying at a hotel here? I hope you brought some serious decontaminants."

"Oh come on," he looked worried, "how bad can it be? I am staying at a cheaper one down by the truck stop."

"The one with the themes? Oh my God!" She knew she had embarrassed him. "I'm sorry, you had no idea, did you?"

"Nope."

She changed the subject. "Come on, let's catch some rays."

"I didn't bring any trunks."

"Trunks?" she laughed. "In this town?"

He couldn't help it. His eyes dropped to her chest. She looked at him incredulously.

"Are you serious? I thought you just stared at them to get through the meetings."

"I do. Wait...oh I feel so stupid. I apologize, Faith."

"You should. You are a dirty old man. Oh well, at least someone notices me. We've been stuck in that crowd of old crones for years. Don't feel bad about them letting me go, I'm here to find a few businesses I might actually enjoy making web pages for."

"I came across one that is kind of out there, but I don't know if they have a site."

"What's the name?"

"Amorous Goods."

"Haven't heard of them." She suddenly got a funny look on her face. "Dave, are you stalking me?"

"Um, If I were stalking you, why would I just walk up and say hi?"

"Well, you are in this town that is known for its deviance, you rent a themed room, and then you show up as I'm about to hit the nude beach and want to show me a place that sounds like it sells sex toys."

That made him laugh. "You forgot the part where I admitted to staring at your boobs for more reasons than just getting through our boring meetings."

"They are YOUR boring meetings now. I'm done with the place. Fine, show me this shop."

"No beach?"

"And have you follow me around with a shrivelled boner from staring at my tits? I don't think so. I'll drive. No one will steal that...whatever that is you drive."

He didn't mind the knock on his hybrid, but his dick? "Hey, I'm not that old. Around you in the nude there is no chance I look shrivelled."

"You just get creepier by the minute." She smiled and opened his door. "Keep your eyes looking out the window. What is that you are carrying? Do you want to leave it in your car?"

He didn't realize he was carrying it. "No, actually, it is from the shop."

"If it isn't some sex toy, show me on the way."

----------

He remembered exactly how Adeline opened it, stroking the side of the box like it was a genie's bottle. As he did, a small latch clicked and the top opened. He held it over to where Faith could see inside.

"A bug? It looks like real gold."

He was about to say it was a cricket, but it started chirping.

Faith laughed. "You have to love this town. Only here would you find bug themed music boxes." The chirping was pleasant. It was also hypnotic. They both were becoming caught in it's spell.

Faith looked at him with a smile that could get an erection out of Michelangelo's David. "So what theme did you choose?"

He was confused, but then realized she was headed for his hotel. The shop was on the other end of town. "Western," he said.

"Hmm, I've never done it with a horse."

He looked at her, stunned. Did she just say that? "It doesn't have a horse," he mumbled.

She reached down and grabbed his cock. "Then you better be hung like one!" She licked her lips provocatively. His jaw fell open.

She pulled into the hotel and they practically ran to his room. A young woman laughed as they went by. "I guess the Western Room will be hopping tonight," she said.

"Stirrups!" squealed Faith. "Get those duds off now you pervert."

He gave her a look that indicated he thought the stirrups would be for her. "Oh no, no, no," she replied. "This is your room. You get to wear them."

He tried to resist, but he had never had a woman basically rip his clothes off before. He was actually getting into it. Being tied to a headboard with his legs spread eagle in stirrups wasn't something he thought he would be into. The Cricket was chirping away from its box sitting on the nightstand. Was it really causing them to do this?

Faith took a look at his erection. "I think you need more blood flow."

He would have been insulted, but The Cricket's chirping filled his mind. It filled Faith's as well. She slowly, tantalizingly started to peel off her jeans. Underneath she had on bikini bottoms.

"I thought you said it was a nude beach?" he asked. His voice sounded ethereal, like it was slowly floating towards her on a current of water.

She replied in the same, slow, relaxing manner. "I lied. I just wanted to see how quickly you looked at my chest." The smile she gave was wicked. Very wicked. She reached down and looked like she was going to pull off her shirt. She pulled off the bikini bottoms instead.

Crawling up onto his chest, she leaned down and started licking his chest. She sat back up and smirked at him. "Wouldn't you like to do that to me? You sat there staring at my tits all those years, and not once did you ask if you could lick and suck on them."

He choked on his gasp. "How could I?" He didn't wait for an answer. The Cricket was chirping louder. His cock became harder. He simply asked, "May I now?"

"Nope." Her response was tart for the slow motion they seemed to be in. She lifted her leg around and sat on his side. Lowering her head, she started eyeing his cock up close. She even sniffed it.

"Do you think this chirping bug is making it grow? It's longer than it was before."

The strangeness of the comment and her behavior made his dick stretch and tense up.

"How do men do that?" she asked. "It's like a cat stretching. I wish I could do that with my boobs." She arched her back and then smiled at him. Then she leaned down and ran her tongue across his face. "I know you want to see them soooo bad. Don't you, Dave? You are like a schoolboy that sneaks into his Dad's collection of Playboy magazines."

She had gone bananas. He would have said the safe word, but they never bothered to make one. He couldn't get the chirping out of his head, and started to feel a little crazy himself.

"Please let me see your PPBs!" he begged.

"What did you call them?"

"Pendulous Pouches of Blubber. PPBs!" He grinned at his cleverness.

He nearly lost a tooth she slapped him so hard. "Don't you ever!" She stopped speaking and looked around. She was smiling. He was smiling. Neither of them had drank alcohol or smoked, but they were acting like two kids stoned out of their gourds. The Cricket kept chirping.

She spotted what she was looking for. With a gleam in her eye, she pulled the whip out from it's display.

"Whoa now!" he cried.

Too late. "Crack!" He felt pain across his ass. This was no hand whip, it was a small bullwhip. Yet he loved it!

"What did you call them?" She asked menacingly.

"PPBs!" He yelled. "They may as well be giant skin tags hanging from your front!" His mind was slipping.

"Crack! Crack! Crack!" The third one caught the bottom of his scrotum. That stopped his breath, and sobered him some. He struggled to try and free his arms. He knew he was bleeding.

She sat the whip down and smeared her hand with his blood. "Oops, did I hurt you?" She licked her hand. She had gone completely nuts. As she sucked her fingers, she smiled. "I think you liked that, didn't you?"

He shook his head no. The chirping became painful in his head. "OK yes, yes. I did." The pain subsided.

She gave him the snotty, tart tone again. "We can't have that. You are bleeding everywhere as it is. Time for you to please me a bit. This bug better make you even bigger.

She quickly leaned over to the cricket's box. "You hear me Jiminy whatever? Make him harder!"

A painful pulse surged through his cock. He looked down and, like some sci fi animation, his cock began to widen and lengthen. Faith looked on expectantly. She finally looked down at the cricket box and said, "thank you, that will do."

This wasn't happening. His cock looked like he was the largest pornstar ever. Faith eyed it closely again. Then she reached up and whispered in his ear. "I think your bug friend overdid things a bit. Let's get me really wet, shall we?"

He had been reduced to three things. One, the chirping in his head. Two, the feeling that someone had shoved a log inside his dick, and three, a painful desire to see her tits. "Boobs, please," was all he could say.

Her response was to throw her leg across his head and bury his face in her pussy. "Earn it," she commanded.

She was already wet. He had no choice but to lick and nibble her clit. She practically shoved it into his mouth. He covered her lips and the head with deeper and deeper pressure from his tongue. She started rocking and swaying, covering his face with her juices. Her rhythm matched the chirping of The Cricket.