An Absence of Trust

"Second, I want you to understand that my role in this household will change ... dramatically. I think you can guess that I will no longer be the simple, obliging husband.

"Finally, you are going to learn to be honest with me. You have not been in the past and I want to know why. We will be having many frank discussions about us and what it will take to restore my confidence and trust in you. It will not be pleasant in some cases. Again, it's up to you. If you cannot be honest with me, then we have no basis for continuing our marriage."

I sat back, mentally and physically exhausted. It felt like hand-to-hand combat, but I was sure Edith had suffered far more blows than I had.

"I'm going out for a walk to calm down and clear my head. Don't wait up for me. I will continue to sleep in the guest room for now. Perhaps after Friday, we can discuss other arrangements.

"Am I giving you enough time to respond?" I asked quietly, trying to bring the tenor of the meeting down.

"Yes ... I ... I think so. I'll let you know if there's anything ...."

Her voice trailed off. She was exhausted as well. Beaten verbally and mentally. I had been very hard on her, just as I intended. I wanted her to experience the pain I was feeling and I wanted her to understand just what kind of changes she could expect. It was never my intention to be gentle ... only civil.

Chapter 6: The Aftermath: Edith

I was stunned into silence. I have completely underestimated Howard. He has laid down an ultimatum and I was given no opportunity to respond. He would not permit it. I have never seen him like this before. Never! He has challenged me to defend my actions and choose between his demands and divorce. There is no middle ground. I can't see any road to compromise.

I heard the door close as he left for his walk. I got up and moved to the kitchen, making myself another gin and tonic. It was unusual for me to have this many drinks, but tonight was the exception. I needed to calm down and make some sense of what was happening to me. I have lost every ounce of control I once enjoyed. Howard had taken it from me as if I had no power to stop him.

And his questions. Of course I wanted to remain married to him. I had little option but to assure him there would be no infidelity. He had burned that out of my mind in a few moments. I had choices to make. They seemed simple right now, but I had two days to think about them.

What did he mean by my being honest with him? I've always been honest with him. This whole mess is because I wanted to be honest with him. How could he doubt that?

But there was something else. He never once said that he loved me. He never once even mentioned his feelings toward me, except for his anger and disappointment. Had I killed what we had together? I don't know if I could handle that. I love him. I know I do. I have wounded him, and like any wounded animal he's fighting back. But will he fight for us?

I felt sick to my stomach. I put down my drink, knowing it wouldn't help. Two days. Two days to find a way to salvage almost thirty years of loving and knowing Howard. Almost twenty seven years married. There had to be a way to make him love me again. But how?

I was exhausted again. Lack of sleep, tension and this ... this attack. I couldn't think straight. Go to bed, Edie. Call Ginny and arrange to meet with her. Maybe she'll have some ideas. God knows I don't. Then go to bed.

Chapter 7: The Aftermath: Howard

The air was warm and there was still some light in the sky as I stepped out of our home. I could feel the fresh breeze off the river as I walked toward the Common. I was breathing more normally now. The worst was over, I thought. I had said everything I wanted to say. I had held back everything I didn't want to say. I dangled hope in front of her, but with little room for negotiation.

There was nothing pleasant or elevating about what I had just done. I had pummeled her with my words as surely as if I had used my fists. I could see the effect of my blows. After a while, she had simply absorbed them as I delivered. There was no sign of fight on her part.

I should have felt better. I should have felt relieved, possibly even elated. I didn't. I did what I thought was necessary to shock my wife into thinking about us. Our marriage. Our relationship. Our future. I left her no way out. On Friday, I would probably know if we had any future.

I thought about who I was and what I wanted. Did I want this marriage to continue? Did I love Edie? I deliberately avoided telling her I loved her. I wasn't sure myself and so it was better not to mislead her if I had lost that love. How would I know? I once read that the test for love was to imagine your life without your partner. Divorce, death, whatever reason ... how would I carry on?

Could I get past her deceit those many years ago and forgive her? At first I didn't think so. But now ... now I'm not so certain. She couldn't take it back. She couldn't make it right at this late date. Could I live with that as well? She had to admit to her sin before I could decide. She had to acknowledge that she had inflicted another deep wound in me.

And what about this act I had performed. The new, dominant Howard Carver. It was an act. I knew that. Could I sustain it? I doubted it. Perhaps in some less aggressive and challenging form. Someone I could actually become without disliking myself. I knew I would never be able to return to the softer, weaker person I had been. Edie would never respect me if I did and I would likely find her seeking another man once again. What would it take to create that excitement that she craved?

Nothing had changed from yesterday. I still needed to know more about her. There were still secrets, I expected. Where were they hidden? What did I know about my wife? Had she cheated on me? Did I want to know? I wonder if she had any idea of how she had undermined my belief in her.

It was dark now and I turned back toward our home. I had calmed myself from the confrontation of earlier. So many questions and so few answers. The turmoil remained. I had solved nothing tonight. I had challenged Edie to decide our future. I occurred to me that I was leaving my fate in her hands. Ironic! I had gained control, but Edie would decide. How ironic.

Chapter 8: Ginny's Advice: Edith

I finally had a decent night's sleep. I wondered why when I had so much confusion and chaos going on inside my head. I crawled out of bed and made for the ensuite. The shower brought me to a more lucid state. I had called Ginny last night before I went to bed. She agreed to meet me for lunch at our favorite little bistro. Thank god for Ginny.

I was greeted at the door by Nick, the head waiter.

"Ms. Maarden is expecting you, Mrs. Carver." He led me to the far corner to a table we knew would be private and quieter.

"Thank you, Nick. Hello, Ginny. Thank you for coming." I was genuinely relieved to see her. I desperately needed her guidance.

"You know I wouldn't say no to you, Edie," she smiled.

Ginny was so solid, so grounded. We've been friends for ages, over ten years. Howard was wrong. I do have a real friend. Virginia Maarden is the best friend I've ever had. I can tell her anything in confidence. She knows all my secrets. All of them.

"I had my talk with Howard last night ... or should I say ... he talked and I listened. He didn't want me to say anything. He said he'd give me my chance on Friday. Oh, Ginny, he was so cold, so ... mean. I've never seen him like this. He's a completely different person from before. I don't know him at all."

"Tell me everything," Ginny said calmly.

I told her everything I could remember. I told her of his three final demands. By the time I was finished, I was almost in tears.

Ginny reached over and patted my hands. "Calm down, Edie. Calm down. Let's talk about tomorrow night," she said. She was so unruffled and composed.

"What are you going to tell him?"

"I'm ... I'm going to tell him I love him. I'm going to tell him I don't want a divorce and I will never betray him. I'll tell him it was all a bad dream and that I don't know what made me think I could hurt him like that."

"What else?"

"Oh ... he says he wants to be with me when I'm out at these functions. I don't know why, exactly. He says he wants to be treated like an equal. He used to hate my parties. I don't know what to think. I'll do it, of course. I just don't know what he expects."

"And?"

"I'm happy to have him be more ... forceful. I want him to be my partner in everything. I'll tell him I welcome his becoming more ... assertive with me."

"Anything else?"

"I don't know what to tell him about his comment about my honesty. After all, I told him what I was thinking before I did anything. Isn't that a sign of honesty? I don't know what he's referring to."

"Don't you? Think hard, Edie. Isn't there something that you most fear telling him?" Ginny was looking at me with her most penetrating gaze.

I couldn't understand what she was getting at until ... until. "Oh my god. I can't tell him that. It will kill him. It will end our marriage right then. I can never tell him." I had moved to panic mode.

"What if he already knows?"

"He can't. You're the only other person that knows. You wouldn't tell him. How could he know?"

"I don't know. But it's a dangerous game you're playing. He didn't bring that subject up because he thought it might be interesting. He has something on his mind. From your description of last night, he was very specific and very prepared. He must have a reason for making it one of the 'big three.'"

"Maybe he thinks I'm already having an affair."

"Maybe. Can you take the chance?"

"I don't think I can bring myself to tell him. It would destroy us. Then I'd have nothing."

"You've really messed this up, haven't you girl?" There was no hint of humor in Ginny's eyes.

I nodded. She was right. This was entirely my fault.

"What am I going to do? I can't lose him. I just can't."

Ginny sat back for a few moments, sipping her coffee and thinking.

"Well, keep in mind this advice is free and you know what they say about advice being worth what you pay for it." Again there was no intimation of a smile.

"Putting myself in your place ... I'd tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I wouldn't hold anything back. You can't slip up if you do that.

"Second, I would seek professional help to try and understand why you thought you needed to have an affair. I've had some experience with a psychiatrist when Nels left me. They don't have all the answers, but they sure make you look at all the questions.

"Third, I would suggest both of you seek marriage counseling. You're going to need it no matter how that conversation goes tomorrow. That is, if you're still together.

"Finally, it would appear that Howard has had enough of being in the background. I think he deserves to be an equal partner in your marriage, despite the fact that you earn far more than he does. I don't think your income counts, unless he feels emasculated by it. Howard is a remarkable man. He needs to be treated like one."

I sat listening to Ginny, concentrating on every word. She hadn't pulled any punches, and that's the way I wanted it. There was only one big stumbling block. Telling Howard about my deception early on in our marriage to avoid getting pregnant. It was my greatest fear. I was sure Howard would react violently to any admission on my part. I was sure our marriage would be over right then.

"Ginny ... last night ... he never once said he loved me. Not once! Maybe it's too late. He talked like there might be a future ... but ... a future without love? I don't think I could live with that. Better that he gets rid of me." I was depressed. With every turn I saw disaster. I didn't know how I could save my marriage.

"Don't give up, Edie. I think he still loves you, but ask him. It's at the core of whatever happens to you both. If he didn't love you, why would he go to all this trouble? He would just leave. Why would he challenge you the way he has if he didn't want to salvage something from this mess? He's scrambling too. He's not as sure of himself as he sounds. He's waiting for a sign from you that you want to restore your relationship to something he can accept and enjoy. You have to give him that chance."

"I don't understand. I want him to give me a chance. I don't hear anything in his voice that sounds uncertain." I was having a hard time believing what Ginny was telling me.

"People don't change overnight, Edie. Howard isn't an ogre. He's hurt and he's angry and he's trying to regain some dignity and control over something that has shocked him to the core. He's putting on a brave face, but I'm guessing he isn't as confident as he sounds. He's trying to force you to admit your mistake. You've woken him up by poking him with a sharp stick. He's reacting. He's just as uncertain about what will happen as you are."

"You sound pretty sure of yourself." I was still having difficulty accepting her premise.

"I'm not sure. I wasn't there with you when all this happened. I've been trying to listen to what you've told me and make some sense of it. Remember, I've only ever met Howard once, briefly. He hardly knows I exist, doesn't he?"

"I don't know. I don't think so. I don't know. Right now Ginny, I don't know anything for certain." I was on the edge of tears again.

We stopped for a while to order our lunch. Ginny doesn't drink and I was happy with just an iced tea. I needed a breather from the intensity of our conversation. It was getting too complicated. I needed to make it simple so that I could deal with it tomorrow. I had to go back to the basics. What did I want and what did Howard want? Keep it simple. The only real fear would be to tell him of my unwillingness to have children.

"He said I am selfish. He's right. I've been selfish for a long time. That's not a very good foundation for a marriage, is it?" I think I was talking as much to myself as I was to Ginny. I looked at my salad and realized that I was just picking at it. My appetite was almost zero. It matched perfectly my mood.

"Cheer up, Edie. I know this is hard and I know you're beating yourself up over what you've done. But, what's done is done. Now it's time to decide what's important. What do you want to accomplish tomorrow. You have one very good opportunity to salvage your marriage. A lot of women never get that.

"You will have a captive audience. The stage is yours. Now it's all a matter of presentation. When you know what you want to say. When you know how you want to answer his questions. When you know what you want to do to make things right between you two. Then you just do it!"

I sighed and sat back in my chair. Ginny was right. It was a matter of being prepared. I could do it with famous people and never think twice about it. I had to use that same preparation for Howard. It was a matter of having the courage to do and do it properly. I was beginning to feel a bit better. I looked at Ginny and nodded. She was right.

Chapter 9: Second Thoughts: Howard

I didn't accomplish very much at work. Friday is seldom a high intensity day, but this Friday was particularly quiet. It gave me time to think about Edie and tonight. When I woke up this morning, my mind was set. I knew what I would do. Now ... too much time for having second thoughts. Was I too hard on her? Was I pushing her beyond her ability to cope? She looked terrified at times. As if she thought I was going to snap and do something violent. Perhaps my act had been too ... dramatic.

What did I want from all this? What was I hoping to accomplish? I kept asking myself this over and over again. I still loved her. I knew that now. I knew it because I couldn't get her out of my mind. If I didn't, I wouldn't be obsessing about her. I wouldn't be angry. I wouldn't be uncertain about our future.

I knew what the trouble was. Her secret. The one she dared not tell me. Denying us our children. I still hadn't come to terms with how I felt about that. Was I angry? Yes! Could I forgive her? I didn't know. Could she bring herself to tell me? I didn't know that either. Would that be the determining factor in whether we stayed together or not? Another thing I didn't know. One moment I was sure and the next, I was riddled with doubt.

Thirty years, counting our dating. Almost two thirds of our lives had been spent with each other. So much invested in ourselves. I tried to imagine what my life would be like without her. I couldn't manage to form a picture. It would be lonely of course.

When you've been with someone that long, you don't have long conversations about your life together. It's all imprinted on your psyche ... your being. Words aren't always necessary. Sometimes a touch, or a smile, or just a gesture. The comfort of lying in bed with her nearby, even when you aren't touching. The scent, the warmth. All the intangibles. Thirty years.

I didn't know what to expect this evening. In a way, I was dreading it. I had promised her I would let her have her say. I would give her the courtesy of listening without comment unless she asked for it. I owed her that much. But what then? That part of my plan was unformed. What then?

Chapter 10: Confession: Edith

Howard was early this evening. He was home just after five. I didn't know whether to be worried or not. I was a bundle of nerves to begin with. This unexpected change in habit was just another thing to unsettle me. But it didn't take long to see that something else was different.

"You're home early."

"Yes. It was quiet today and I was able to get away at just past four. A head start on the weekend." He smiled at me when he said that. It was the first smile I'd seen from him since ... since Monday.

"Would you care for a drink? The usual?" He seemed relaxed and almost ... normal.

"Yes ... thank you." He made my usual G & T but didn't pour himself a glass of wine.

"I'm going to change." Again, he smiled as he turned and headed upstairs.

He was back in less than five minutes. He was wearing his new golf-style shirt, his jeans and his moccasin slippers. He looked completely different. And he was smiling.

"You look very relaxed, Howard." I wondered if he was trying to tell me something.

He poured his glass of wine and turned back to me.

"It's been a very stressful week for me. For both of us. I'd like to turn things down a notch. I don't want to put any more pressure on you. I've been hard on you I know. But ... well ... let's enjoy dinner and we can talk afterwards."

I nodded. "Thank you. I'm a bundle of nerves. I'm so ... upset about what's happened. I'm so unsure of myself and what I want to say."

"Just be yourself. Tell me what you want to tell me. Be honest, Edie. Be honest with me and most of all ... be honest with yourself."

He called me Edie again. He hadn't called me that all week. Maybe ... maybe things were going to be alright. But there it was again ... the honesty question. The one question I hadn't decided how to handle.

I'd made another of his favorite meals and he acknowledged it. We had some conversation during our dinner and it helped me get a grip on my nerves. I wasn't looking forward to what was to come. In fact, I dreaded it. My conversation with Ginny had helped, but I still couldn't imagine how this was all going to turn out.

I didn't have a second drink. I don't think I could have held it down. I needed all my wits about me. Alcohol was only false courage. Ginny taught me that. She was an alcoholic. A recovering alcoholic. It had cost her her marriage and her relationship with her children. It had been a very high price to pay. I met her not long after she joined AA. I admired her courage. She blamed no one but herself and knew it was a sickness. She dealt with it.