An Ace Can Be High Or Low

She confirmed this when she crumpled on her back and said, "And I thought what I wanted was cocks."

She showered alone, leaving Norm and me to sit on the bed, naked, in near-darkness, struggling to find conversation topics other than having collaborated on a woman's nipple orgasm.

Gail returned to the bedroom with a t-shirt on. "Thanks, that was incredible," she said, switching on the light, "but I still don't want you to look at them." Her bare loins clearly didn't bother her.

Norm looked at me. "I'm not scared of dropping the soap, but still..."

Gail took charge again. "You two are staying the night. Dev, you shower next, alone. Norm, drag the mattress into the living room, we'll enlarge it with sofa cushions. Then Norm showers alone. Someday you two take me out someplace nice for dinner, to pay me back for the water and gas."

"Ma'am yes Ma'am!" said Norm with a salute.

In our sleeping arrangement, we changed it up. I was on Gail's left side.

We could have banged again, but we didn't.

We could have talked about it, but we didn't.

I was confused, and I think they were too.

Norm and I were both inclined to leave without breakfast, and Gail didn't mind. But before we parted I started to get upset, and I had to say this.

"Maybe something happened last night. Maybe not. In a week or two, can we talk about this?"

Norm nodded. Gail said, "Yeah."

***

It was nine days later, on a Saturday, when we met. We wanted privacy, but not intimacy, so we ruled out our various dwellings. To have anything like privacy in a public place, it had to be somewhere spread out, so the three of us could converse but not be overheard (by someone like me). We decided on a hiking trail.

Norm knew the trail well. We began on a main path that ascended to a scenic overlook, but about halfway there he guided us onto a path that went left, and downward into what may have been a dry wash. It dead-ended in a dense copse of trees. The place where Norm had us stop was not scenic, not interesting, and did not provide the balm of nature to a soul tormented by the modern world. There was no reason for anyone to go there, except maybe to do something secretive, or illegal. In fact, I saw under a fern what might have been a crack pipe.

Norm unscrewed the cap of a water bottle, and asked "Who wants to go first?" Then he took a deep drink, making it clear that he didn't.

"I suppose I should," said Gail. "After all this time, I still don't know what to make of it." She shook her head, half-smiling. "That was supposed to be what I did before getting serious about my life." She looked at me, then at Norm. "It's like I found something I never knew I was searching for."

There was gap. Into it I said, "Is what we did, something you want to keep happening?"

"Yes. And not just because what it did for me physically." She moved her right hand slowly, as if to gesture out words. "Your presence, on either side of me...and after, when we were sleeping...I felt like I belonged there, and you did too. It really makes no sense, I barely know you at all."

I blurted, "I felt that I had to protect you." Then, feeling ridiculous, I looked at Norm. "Both of you. I know that sounds silly, but it's what was in my mind."

Norm capped his water bottle, looking at it, as if the task required concentration. Finally he looked at Gail.

"I don't understand what this means, yet. I think maybe you're the one for me, but I can't promise that now. I'd like us to date, spend time, um, get to know each other." Then he looked at me. "Dev, I know you definitely had something to do with this. Maybe it couldn't have happened without you. But I can't see any way forward if all three of us are involved."

There was nothing in what he said that I could challenge. That didn't change the fact that, for maybe only the tenth time in my life, I was deeply hurt.

Gail's look at Norm seemed more intense than usual. "You may have to find a way. I don't see one, either, but if necessary I'll invent one."

Her posture eased slightly. "I know that's not fair, to either of you. You're right, Norm, we don't know each other. I guess we have to rectify that before anything else happens."

Fearing that I might be locked out if I didn't move fast, I said, "Gail, would you please join me for dinner and a movie?"

She looked my way with a smile, which seemed more amused than pleased. "Yes I will, Dev. But only if you first spend some quality male bonding-time with Norm."

Norm looked peeved as he asked Gail, "And after that, do you and I go on a date, one on one?"

This seemed to take Gail above our shared lack of understanding of our feelings, by putting her in charge. "That's right, Norm," she said, extracting her phone from her backpack. "Let's schedule."

We were a little bit relieved at having accomplished something. We were then able to resume the hike, and enjoy it for what it was. The overlook was indeed scenic.

***

What Norm and I did together wasn't specifically male. We joined up with a volunteer organization that was helping convert a defunct rail line into a bike-and-other-people-power thoroughfare. Have you picked up on this overarcing interest we share? The outdoors, and the environment, and physical recreation? I had already wasted hours trying to work out how that could have made us into a bondable threesome.

Gail was there also, but we had been assigned in groups of six to eight. Norm and I were in one group, Gail in another. This vaguely disturbed me. At last I realized it was because Gail was in the role I usually took on: She could observe Norm and me, and how we interacted, from an uninvolved distance.

Norm chatted up the rest of our group, which included two young women. I fought off my reflex to withdraw and watch.

"We'll need the shovel for that," I said, as we looked down on a pile of mixed animal waste. I then trotted to our dumpster and pulled the shovel off its hook.

"Nature's Nobleman!" said the wife of a middle-aged couple in our crew. "No hesitation to take on the worst job!" The others laughed, two applauded. I think a young woman was one of the latter, but I was too busy digging in to The Worst Job.

"I'll get the next," declared Norm. He sounded part jocular, part miffed that he'd given up a chance to score points.

The rails on the four tracks had already been removed, by a professional crew who had used heavy equipment. The wood ties were still in place, awaiting another crew and its equipment. We, high-minded but untrained, picked up trash that ranged from innocuous to midnight-dumped. We wore two thicknesses of tough latex gloves, plastic booties over our shoes, and surplus COVID masks. We dropped our dross into a wheeled, electric, self-driven dumpster that trundled behind us, motion-sensing when we walked and stopped. Clipped to the sides of the dumpster were many bottles of water, in addition to tools. The empties went into a recycling bin next to the full bottles.

If this activity was supposed to produce an attitude change between Norm and me, it surely fell short. We had been on cordial terms before the three-way. Now, we might be rivals for Gail. Even when we jointly lifted, and hauled to the dumpster, a mangled, rusted-out piece of the undercarriage of a car, Norm and I didn't glow from the achievement and share a high five. We nodded at each other, then trudged to look for the next hazard on the track.

In late afternoon, we were side by side as we scanned the ground. Norm said quietly, "What are your plans? For her."

"Get better acquainted," I returned. I had worked out that answer well in advance, I'd expected to need it, with him or her.

"Do you want her?"

"I don't know! Do you?"

He paused. Then: "Maybe."

I didn't know if Gail was watching us then. She was supposed to be doing the same work we did, with her group's own dumpstermobile.

At the end, each went home without spending more time with any other.

***

I rented a car for our date. We could have gotten by with a ride-share, but I wanted to assert this as me taking Gail out. This surprised her, like everything else I'd done that wasn't passive.

The Thai restaurant was a Mom-and-Pop, but well regarded. I had dined there twice, and gained a high regard of my own. I also became familiar with the cuisine and the menu. As Gail and I chatted, however, I didn't go completely out of character. She asked about the place and the food, and I answered. Knowledgeably. With confidence. Her surprise seemed to progress to admiration, maybe affection.

I was pleased with how I was doing. And starting to worry about deceiving her.

Sitting side by side in the art-film theatre (the smallest space in the multiplex), she started initiating a little publicly-displayed affection. I found a few moments to do some of that myself. I continued to watch myself doing that, amped about nailing it, while feeling worse and worse.

As we left the movie, I decided that I had to be honest with her. It helped that I'd rented the car, I could unburden to her in private, before going to her place. I looked at her before starting the engine.

I think I still sounded confident when I said, "How am I doing so far?"

She grinned. "Fabulous! I never knew you were hiding away such an enjoyable guy!"

I took her hand in mine. "I think you know how important you are to me. When we did, um, that. So I want you to know that my feelings are very strong, but I may not always be able to, ahh, express them."

Her look switched to quizzical. "What do you mean?"

"Gail...I may be asexual."

"A sexual what?"

"No, asexual, one word."

"But...what we did together...sure seemed like sex to me."

"It's, like, a spectrum. There can be different degrees for different people. It's been like this before, there are times when I'm stoked, but then it can go away." I had a sense that my confidence was doing a fade, like my ardor so often did. "I think the three-way...may have allowed me to coast at times, because Norm was there to keep you, um, entertained."

She faced through the windshield, at a dark parking lot. "I thought I was getting a handle on this," she said quietly. "Like I could fall in love with two men, and know that it was right. But you're saying, you can't love me back?"

In that instant I ditched, forever, all of my guesses about whether I was also aromantic. I couldn't measure how much Gail meant to me, it was like nothing else in my life to that point. Yet my goal of being in her life, deeply and importantly, might run counter to her ultimate happiness.

"I may not, always, by myself, be able to sex you back. In return." Yeah, confidence had totally checked out. "If, if, that's what you need from me...then I shouldn't mess with your mind. As you said, you want to empty the oat bag and move on."

I was still holding her hand. She squeezed mine, and trained on me those formidable eyes. "What about the love that isn't physical?"

I swallowed. Yet somehow I didn't shrink from her gaze. "You may have that already. From me. I don't know. It's, I've never been in this situation."

She paused, then said, "So what do you want to do now?"

In a flash, I realized that she was giving me control, at least for an instant. "I want to spend the night with you. I want to make you feel good, if you want that. But I don't want you to regret feeling anything for me."

"I appreciate that," she said. Then she took charge. "Please spend the night with me."

***

The sex was oral-genital only. First I gave to her, then she gave to me. The subject of penetration was never addressed. I didn't want to go flaccid in her pussy again, and I suspect she didn't want that either.

There was also no attempt to repeat the breast love surprise. I worried that one mouth wouldn't be enough for her. She may have also.

Because this was my first time with my face between her legs, I was doing something new with her. That kept me interested. I observed closely what amped her when I tongued here and lip-slid there. Her murmurs and tremors excited me, and when I added clit fingering, I got her off.

Her fellating added to my excitement, and fairly soon I gunked her mouth.

What we did felt really good. What we didn't say kept us from enjoying fully.

She kept her top on the whole time. I accepted that without comment.

After, while she was in the bathroom, I took stock. In theory, the evening was a success. I had given her the key information about me, and it hadn't driven her away. I had done nothing awkward, or insensitive, or stupid. I had performed to her satisfaction, as her lover.

But I doubted that the lack of negatives was enough. If anything, we were less comfortable with each other now than we had been before. I thought I should try for a positive, even if it ran the risk of a negative. But what?

Maybe just kick the door down?

Once she was back in bed, I said, "I think we're hiding from each other. Can we open up?"

She glared at me. "I just had to make love to someone who told me he's asexual! Isn't that enough reason for me to be walking on eggshells?"

"Fair enough," I said, voice unsteady. Then I recovered, and put together a smile. "Did you receive enough physical evidence of your success?"

"I did. But I was still worried about whether this was enough, and beyond that, how you really feel about me."

I surprised myself as much as I did her, by barking, "Don't ever worry about me! I'm the only one who has to deal with this! I can get a boner pill prescription if you like, and then I'll have a girder to drive into your pussy for a good long time. I've done that, it works."

Her eyes seemed to scour the deepest recesses of my brain. "Do you enjoy that?"

My memories, of erection without ejaculation, I didn't want to share in detail. "When it pleases my partner." The Ace's standard answer.

She said nothing. I realized that I hadn't fully answered her.

"How I really feel about you," I said, "isn't something I understand completely. I care about you, and I hope you care about me. I don't think it's fair to you, to claim that I feel more than that. Now."

A small smile visited her lips. "That's close to what I feel about you. And Norm."

We were both sitting up. Her glance went to my gym-chiseled physique.

She held out her arms.

We embraced, with her thin fabric muting the spread of her breasts on my chest.

She had us lie side by side.

"I don't ever want to take without giving," she said, and while I was opening my mouth she added, "which means I'm not there yet, on believing that I'm giving something worthwhile to you. I think I can work on myself."

She ran fingers through my hair. The look in her eyes was...gentle?

"You knew about the three-way a few days in advance," she said. "I gather that you didn't get a prescription then." After a pause: "And you didn't tonight?"

"I wanted to be my real self," I said. "I hoped that passion would take care of everything."

Her look was more analytical now. "Your real self being the guy who sits back and watches?"

That stung. "Good call. There's a part of me that always finds that to be intriguing."

I thought that there might be wheels turning in her mind. I also thought that I wouldn't like some of the potential Paths Forward in our relationship. 'Our,' in this case, included Norm.

But despite my plea for openness, I decided that I should allow her to think about what would be best for her.

She smiled. "Will you stay for breakfast?"

I smiled back. "I'd be delighted."

We were pleasant company for each other through the rest of my stay. The things that remained unsaid didn't weigh us down. We shared some light, unforced, hugs and kisses. Breakfast gave us the opportunity to exchange our mundane details, on work and relatives and upbringing.

We were even nonchalant when she asked that I not try to watch any part of her date with Norm. I wasn't offended, and assured her that I wouldn't try to find out where or when.

***

I now had to wait for one of them, probably Gail, to contact me after the date with Norm. I expected that the Paths Forward discussion would then be scheduled, although Gail hadn't been specific about this.

She and I had not talked about Norm. Would she and Norm talk about me?

It's bad enough with a couple, and each maybe hiding thoughts and actions from the other. In a triad? There can be both individual secrets, and the possibility that two could share something, and hide it from the third.

A third. That's probably what they'd want me to be. No matter what we did when the three of us were alone together, the life arrangement and public presence would almost certainly be M-F here and M over there, and it was already clear that Norm wouldn't sign up to be the over-there M.

Did I want to be the public significant other of Gail? I'd always feel that the situation is unstable. Norm would chafe at being on the outside, and Gail would worry about losing him.

Whereas, I didn't think Gail would worry as much if I were on the outside. The whole hang-back-and-watch thing could make it seem as though I don't need to be close to people. Despite what I'd told her.

These were the thoughts I tried, and failed, to ignore during the next several days. I paid attention, as much as I could, to the rest of my life. My job, my relatives, my online gaming. I spent more time than usual at the gym. Once I went shirtless on a weight bench, but what might have been approving looks came only from other men.

In the evenings, I didn't go anyplace where I might cross paths with Gail and Norm. I visited a couple bars where I hadn't hung out before, and tried to get interested in the people I watched. But I couldn't stay focused on them.

Finally, I stayed home. And I started writing this.

***

It was eight days later that Gail sent the following email to Norm and me.

//Come on over Saturday at 7 pm. I'll provide food. Once again, bring your liquid courage of choice. Yes, do that, even if you don't think you need it anymore. I already know I'll need mine.//

I interpreted that to mean that Gail wasn't worried about the sex. She was worried about the discussion.

I had acquired pharmaceutical courage.

What I didn't have was a decision on using it.

The food Gail provided was whole-wheat bowtie pasta in pesto sauce, with a spinach salad. We took our portions into the living room and sat on comfortable furniture to eat, pairing the food with our liquid courage.

Mostly we ate in silence, apart from male praises of Gail's culinary skill.

At one point Norm began, "Are we going to talk about--"

"Later," said Gail. "Much later."

I was wrong. Gail was worried about the sex. After we finished eating, she had us stay put, and worked her way through her wine. She eyed us nervously, her gaze far less intense than usual.

Slowly she sipped the last of her second glass. "Mmmm, yes," she said. "Right where I want to be. Courageous, but not ridiculous. Eager to have a good time. With my men!"

She set aside the glass.

She grinned at us.

She hauled her sweater over her head and flipped it away.

Norm and I yelled some combination of "Woah!" and "Yesss!"

Laughing, top-free Gail shimmied her torso side to side, flapping her loose, tiny breasts, in the brightly lit living room.

We leapt from the vertices of our triangle. As we converged into a hug, Gail said quickly, "I want it different this time."

"It ain't broke," said Norm. "What is there to fix?"

"I'm greedy," she said on wine breath. "I want cocks with my tit love. Bedroom, naked, now!"

We started with the same configuration, Gail on her back, Norm to her left, with me on the right.

"Get me going," she said, eyes closing, "but ease up when I tell you. I want this to last."