An Excess of Will

Carly was bitterly unhappy. In fact at the moment she was close to tears, which in recent months really did not take much prompting. In spite of everything she did, all her hard work and diligence, it seemed the Universe simply did not want her to succeed. She was smart, organized, and motivated, but to her it seemed the Universe continually conspired against her.

The primary example of this, in her opinion, was simply that she was so plain in appearance that no one took notice of her at all. It was if she were invisible unless she purposely put herself into someone's attention. In fact, she often surmised that even if she walked around completely naked nobody would care. This she considered likely because of her body, which would be considered petite, to be diplomatic. In Carly's eyes it was bony, skinny, borderline gaunt. She never seemed able to put on weight, and that fact alone would make most girls clamber over one another to learn the secret of. But to Carly, it was a curse. She was completely flat chested, and had a "pancake ass" as described rather cruelly by a supposed friend of Carly.

It was on that particularly rough day that Carly found herself sobbing into a pillow in her bedroom of the quadruplex in which she lived. In a rare moment of bravery she had struck up a conversation with another girl from her English class while at the library, about fashion of all things.

~~~~~~~

"Hey, you're Rebecca, right?"

"Excuse me?" Rebecca looked up from her book to gaze at Carly with slightly annoyed eyes.

"I'm Carly, we sit next to each other in Gantry's English class."

"Oh right. Did you need something?"

"I just wanted to compliment your blouse, it suits you so well."

"Well thank you!" replied Rebecca with practiced politeness. "I think I've seen you at the student housing block, maybe you could borrow i-" Rebecca bit her tongue, realizing at that moment that there was no possible way her blouse would fit Carly. That fact was painfully obvious now, ludicrous to even suggest. For one thing, her rather sizable breast implants made it necessary to either get custom fitted clothing or to just go a size or two up to accommodate their size.

"I mean, maybe we could just trade makeup tips." It was a bad coverup, and Rebecca knew it. But she ultimately did not care. She was pretty sure she had never seen Carly before and would probably never see her again. She made a mental note to remember to change seats in English class.

Carly's lower lip quivered imperceptibly as she took a step back. She barely managed to mumble out an unintelligible syllable before turning around and waking away. As she hurried out of the library, she almost ran into a young man just entering, carrying a longboard and flanked by two others.

"Ohh damn, sorry dude!" he exclaimed, but his eyes widened as he looked over Carly, realizing she was in fact, not a dude.

"I mean, uh, miss." His snort and chuckle were inescapable and burrowed their way into Carly's memory as she hurried through the doors and across campus. The raucous laughter and teasing of the three young men could still be heard as she rounded the corner of the library.

~~~~~~~

"I'm going to spend the rest of my life looking like a dude," Carly wailed to herself mentally, her face still buried in the now wet pillow. She was disturbed from her self pitying by a knock at her door. A masculine voice came through.

"Carly? You ok?" It was Jase. Good old, predictable Jase, being too nosy for his own good. "I heard you slamming doors all over the place when you came in."

"Go away, it's fine."

"Are you sure? Did something happen? I could-"

"Just go away, ok?!" Carly yelled just a little louder than she intended. It had the effect of causing Jase to leave, which is what she wanted, but he didn't deserve to be yelled at for something that wasn't his fault. He was overall a good friend and flatmate, although he and Carly didn't interact much.

Just when Carly thought she was done being angry, she remembered the face of the guy who had bumped into her, how his eyes trailed up and down her body and amusement, and not even the barest hint of arousal, had appeared on it. In a fit of hot rage and energy Carly stood up, flinging her pillow across the room. It smashed into a lamp and knocked it over, but she didn't care.

"I will not be subject to some sort of Universal Conspiracy against me!" she screamed inwardly. "I can control my destiny. I make my own future." Carly had said these words to herself many times before in a sort of ritual. She considered herself to be, in a metaphorical sense, to be cosmically cursed. But no longer.

Carly strode across the room, retrieving the pillow and tossing it back onto her bed. She needed to do something. To make some change in the world. Something crazy. The slides on the drawer of her dresser nearly broke as she pulled it open, revealing a set of fine artistic markers. One after the other the caps flew off as Carly opened them and held as many as she could between her fingers. She started to draw. Like a mad woman, she coursed across the walls of her room, drawing shapes, patterns, swirls, nothing in particular. As soon as she started to lose steam she moved to another part of the blank wall turned canvas, refreshing her anger against the world with every new stroke.

One of the markers started to go dry. This was a road bump to her, nothing more. It would not stop her. She abandoned the markers, her walls now a collage of interpretive art. Something else had to change, though. Grasping the frame of her bed, Carly started pulling it toward the opposite wall. She took the dresser and slid it across the room with great effort until it stood right in front of the door. Why not? That's where she wanted it. She took all of the clothes out of her closet and tossed them on the floor. Then she took the drawers out of her dresser and stacked them in the closet, leaving the door open. It didn't matter where everything ended up, it just had to change.

This rearrangement effort continued for several minutes, Carly's skin now glistening with sweat. She was panting, and now truly losing momentum. Finally she collapsed on the bed. She had done it, she had made a mark on the world, changing something in a way that could not easily be reverted. But a tiny fog of ire still floated in the back of her mind. She could not change the thing she most wanted to.

~~~~~~~

That night Carly had a dream. She was in a field at night, with stars covering the sky, uncountable and brilliantly bright. She saw herself running, dancing through the field, now leaping over a river, now running faster than any human could. She could do anything. Her naked body, silhouetted against the milky way, was different. She was taller, something like eight feet tall, and she was more muscular. And to Carly's amazement and pleasure, she had actually protuding breasts. No, boobs. No, tits! She had a truly impressive set of knockers that bounced joyfully as she ran, an experience she had never had and always wanted.

As she ran, ahead of her she saw a large ravine. Running full tilt, Carly did not slow in the least, spurring her new body onward until she reached the edge of the ravine, her toes curling around the lip of it as she jumped into the open sky. A few terrifying moments passed, and Carly opened her eyes. She was sailing over the miles wide chasm. She could do anything. As soon as she landed, she threw her head up to look at the tapestry of stars above her. Flinging her hands up, she began stirring them like floating candles in a pool of inky black water. The stars whirled around, circling each other, flinging out into space and returning moments later. They danced and coalesced into groups, then burst outward in a fireworks display.

But as Carly did all this, she suddenly heard a voice as if it were coming from directly behind her. "Why are you holding back?"

Pirouetting around, her straight brown hair a flurry of chaos that wrapped around her, Carly found no one there. Brows furrowed, she sought to exert her will even more. Digging her hands into the ground, she then raised them up into the air. As she did the very ground came with them, causing a massive mountain to grow underneath her. Soon she was at the top of an impossibly tall mountain, and the very stars were among her, dancing and sparkling like endlessly burning fireworks right in front of her.

"Stop holding back," said the voice again. Bewildered and frustrated, Carly motioned with her hands again and the earth started to rise again. But this time, it was starting to rise up around her, enveloping her legs, waist, chest, and then settling up around her neck. She found herself buried inside the very mountain, and as she looked down she saw a whole mountain range beneath her. She screamed, struggling futilely against the hard rock, but she could not move.

~~~~~~~

With a start, Carly woke and shot up in bed. Or at least shot up as much as the blankets wrapped tightly around her body would allow. It was morning. She sat still for a few moments, recalling the dream she had.

"It was so vivid..." she whispered to herself, tears almost welling up in her eyes. She looked around her room, now a massive mess of marked up walls, clothes on the floor, and furniture in places it really shouldn't be. Carly sighed.

The only thing that brightened her mood was the fact that it was Saturday. No classes. No tests. And most importantly, no people to have to interact with. She could stay in her room all day and not have to risk any more disappointment. Except... for the niggling desire for food in her mind. She had gone to bed without eating last night, so great was her frustration. Carly moved the dresser that had been shoved in front of her door just enough to crack it open, and like a cautious cat poked her head out. The coast was clear.

Making her way to the kitchen by way of the living room, Carly tiptoed across the floor, her lithe body making barely any sound. This was almost certainly unnecessary, her roommates almost always slept in until noon on Saturdays, but she really didn't want any social interaction. With anxious speed a bowl and cereal were produced from the cabinets and breakfast was served. Carly turned to rush back to her room with her kill and nearly upturned the bowl onto her shirt when she nearly crashed into Jase.

"Jesus Christ Jase you scared me!" moaned Carly, internally relieved that she had not poured milk all over herself. That would have been emotionally unrecoverable.

"Oh sorry, I thought... uh," Jase looked her in the face with concern. "I was just worried and wanted to check up on you." After a long pause he continued, "You look awful."

"Wow, thanks, I didn't know." Carly replied sarcastically. She hadn't considered how she looked at the moment, but she felt awful regardless. "Got any other pointless statements to make?"

Jase furrowed his brow, obviously a little ruffled by the barb. Carly also winced mentally, wishing she hadn't been quite so negative. Jase was just trying to help, after all.

"Well, if you're feeling better later tonight I wanted to invite you to a party." Those last words seemed to Carly to come out of Jase's mouth in slow motion. They were some of the trickiest words to deal with on the best of days, and today was not her best of days. Jase prattled on about who would be at the party, where it was, how much fun it would be, but Carly barely heard any of it. Her head was instead swimming with the possibilities of what could happen at such a party. She was sure to embarrass herself somehow. Nobody would talk with her. Or worse, someone would talk with her. Just as she was formulating her answer to say no, the voice from her dream floated back into her mind. Why are you holding back? She pondered.

"Ok, I'll go." She said with determination. Jase looked surprised, but pleasantly so.

"Oh wow, I was sure you were going to say no. Awesome! I'll see you there!" Excitedly Jase hurried from the living room out the door. Carly stood for a couple moments contemplating what she had just said. Where had that come from? It was very unlike her to accept an invitation so readily, but here she was. In any case, now that she had accepted it would be worse for her to be a flake. She would just go for a minute or two, say hi to Jase, then leave.

It was at that moment that Carly, bowl askew in her hand, realized she had been dripping milk from the cereal onto her shirt. "Oh shit," she remarked plaintively, hurriedly moving to wipe it off. Things were not off to a great start.

~~~~~~~

Carly double checked the text from Jase with the address of the party. For once she was feeling confident in her appearance. She had decided to wear a pair of tight black yoga pants, a loose white blouse, and a short leather jacket over all of that. Her confidence had not quite reached the level where she was comfortable wearing heels of any kind, so flats would have to do. Music thumped through the walls of the house as she approached, setting in Carly's chest a mixture of nervousness and excitement. Everything would be ok, she told herself.

Inside was a jarring sea of bodies, some dancing, some standing around, almost all carrying cups of alcohol or paper bowls of cheap junk food. Carly instantly remembered why she hated parties. Not a single face was familiar to her. Jase had made it sound like it would be a pretty tame, laid back affair, but Carly did not even see him in the crowd.

She scooted her way through a pair of couples making out in the entrance way, desperate to get to the food table just so it would look like she was occupied. On her way she spied Natasha, her other flatmate, dancing with one of the members of the football team. Carly was always a little jealous of Natasha, who seemed to be incredibly comfortable in her own skin and made friends easily. She didn't seem to mind being in the middle of the crowd, even when doing her silliest dance moves that made everyone look. Natasha's eyes locked with Carly's for a moment, lighting up in recognition. Natasha gave a small wave. She had always been nice to Carly.

Finally Carly made it to the table to find that most of the food was already gone. She could feel a headache coming on just from the loud music, so she decided soda would be a better choice than beer. Turning around, her heart skipped a beat as she saw Daniel, the pitcher for the university's baseball team, coming her way.

"Damn, everything's already gone?" He said morosely, glancing over the table. Carly looked over his muscled body and curly hair nervously. She had always imagined this moment, how she could turn it into a meet-cute that would launch their perfect relationship. She could say something witty, like, "Yeah, everything else is gone but I'm available." And Daniel would laugh, ask her out, maybe kiss her on the spot...

What actually happened was that Carly's mouth and brain seemed to misfire simultaneously, causing what could barely be classified as a sentence to exit her mouth. "Yeah I guess you could, er, say that's how it flies sometimes? I guess?" Daniel did a double take and looked her over, a bemused smile on his lips.

"Uh sure, yeah." A polite laugh was uttered, and Daniel was immediately turning away to head back into the party.

Carly's spirit melted inside her chest. What a ridiculous thing to say, she thought. She didn't have much time to ponder her mistake though. Suddenly there was a ruckus moving about the crowded room. Carly couldn't see what it was, but was grateful for the distraction taking attention away from her.

A scream erupted from the middle of the crowd. Not a frightened scream, more like a squeal, a mixture of delight and embarrassment. Two fraternity members were prowling around the party with large buckets, splashing water on unsuspecting girls in an impromptu wet Tshirt contest. Most of the girls instantly shied away from the buckets, protectively covering their chests. A few unlucky girls got splashed, Natasha among them. Natasha had the charisma and emotional wherewithal to make the best of it, laughing it off and even showing off a bit. Of course, she was wearing a sophisticated looking black bra so she still remained relatively modest. She had worn skimpier things to parties before.

Carly was not so lucky. She stood flat footed by the drink table, not seeing what was going on until it was too late. The boys came around and both splashed her simultaneously with what remained of their water. She was absolutely drenched. What was worse, her white blouse now turned dreadfully transparent. The cold water caused her nipples to stand up, like two little tents on the otherwise flat landscape of her chest. Carly drowned in horror.

Looking around, she could see almost everyone in the crowd laughing. Even some of the girls that had previously been half heartedly scolding the boys for their cruel prank now were laughing at Carly. Perhaps worst of all was Daniel's face, an unmitigated picture of mirth. At least when the other boys had laughed at Natasha, there was a strong element of desire along with their laughing and cheering. Not so with Carly.

It was at this moment that Jase now pushed his way to the front of the crowd.

"Carly! Fuck's sake, are you ok?" He barely had time to get the question out before Carly made her move. Her face was hot with rage as she looked at Jase, now deciding to blame him for this whole debacle. If he had not invited her she wouldn't be in this position. Or perhaps, she thought, did he know about the prank and had invited her for that very reason?

Covering her face with her hands, she started to push her way through the crowd. Jase looked on helplessly, calling after her, but Carly was deaf to his words. Natasha quickly followed, loudly slapping people aside and forcing her way through the crowd. By this point Carly was at her car, her face now more wet with tears than water.

"Carly! Honey, I'm so sorry..." Natasha's voice was soothing, but not enough to make up the damage to Carly's self esteem.

"Just go away. I want to go home." Carly was paused at her car, the key already in the door.

"Hey, those jackasses are already getting kicked from the party. I just saw it, no one even invited th-."

"I don't care if they're gone!" Carly interrupted, "Everyone else is still there. I knew I shouldn't have come. At least before no one even knew who I was, and now... everyone just thinks..."

"I don't give a shit what anyone thinks, Carly! You're a good person, ok? No one at that party even deserves the honor of your company, hear me?"

"Yeah, whatever." Carly said dismissively. She opened the car door and slid inside, tears still emerging one by one from her eyes. She leaned on the steering wheel for a few moments, then looked up. Natasha was gone. A sinking feeling welled up in Carly's chest. She looked up at the night sky, the tears in her eyes causing the stars to dance around like floating candles on a turbulent river.

~~~~~~~

It was a long and restless night for Carly. She had retreated back to her room, refusing to open the door when Natasha and Jase took it in turns to check up on her.

She tossed and turned in her bed, unable to get any sleep for longer than several minutes. And even when she did sleep, it was plagued by the same dream she had the previous night, though now twisted and distorted, with none of the freedom and control she had earlier. She found herself still buried up to her neck in the top of the mountain she had sunk into, as if she were wearing it like a dress, struggling and straining her body to get free. Worst of all, she continued to hear the voice she was hearing before, continuously repeating, "Why are you holding back? Stop holding back."

Each time she woke in the night, Carly felt her body getting more and more sore. It was as if her straining in the dream was actually happening, and she was working herself to exhaustion while she slept. Progressively more sweat was covering her skin. In the dream or in the waking she did not know, but Carly tore off the tank top she had a habit of sleeping in.