All Comments on 'An Hawaiian Vacation Surprise Ch. 01'

great character names thanks for your effort

I liked the premise of the story in general, I especially like car accidents and wish there had been a bit more of that. (personal taste) 1 negative for me is also a personal thing, I dislike social media /"influencers" etc so that is just a my problem thing.

A couple other issues I had were the story disconnects. They are from Mississippi but flew direct from Houston? Or were they just routed through Houston, direct flight meaning no stops or changing of planes. Also, to me, a "family trip" brings to mind parents and kids, then after they land there are 8 people but the only clearly stated relationships are Stan/Ollie and their parents Trent /Alexandria. It wasn't until the swinging started between the 4 that apparently 2 brothers married 2 sisters and I am not even 100% on that, still no idea how Alley and Denver are related. But the kids see Alley walking around naked with a strap on for Denver like it is nothing. It felt like if it was nothing then they would have seen /heard this before. If the swinging, bondage etc had been kept private/quiet in the past, why aren't they being more careful now.

I could go on, but more set up and clarity on who is going, who is who etc would be helpful. I didn't even know they were twins until the shower scene. The beginning talked about their different personalities but no ages older /younger or that they were twins.

Those disconnects and trying to detective relationships from scraps spread all over makes it difficult to fall into the story.

You need to edit this better. We don't know the relationship of Denver and Alley. Also, several times it seems you skipped a few words. With that said, still would like to read chapter 2.

Woah?? It took me a bit to figure out that you meant whoa {as in stop, horse}.

The past tense of grind is ground, not grinded.

Fragmented prose that almost reads like stage play instructions. Sorely in need of a good editor . . . .