An Iranian Story

"Were you going to throw it on me?"

"That was the general idea."

"Why?"

"Because you were being an ass."

"Would you tell me exactly what I did to upset you?"

"You mean everything? There is not enough time in the day, or in the year for that matter. You must be more specific."

A deluge of ice-cold water hit her naked body.

Ava's scream hit a pitch above high C.

Ali was laughing so loud he nearly forgot to throw his shivering wife the fluffy towel he was holding. As he did, he noticed the murderous' scrowl in her eyes.

"Are you ready to make love now darling?"

"No, you idiot, I have a headache."

"Would you like some aspirin dear?"

"No, a flamethrower would be better for what I have in mind."

"It is not nice being on the other side of the practical joke, is it my love?"

"It is downright cold, ass hole."

"I believe I would have been feeling the same way. However, I do not think I could have screamed as high as you did. I do not think anyone in God's creation could have screamed that high."

"You had better warm me up good, Mister, or there is going to be hell to pay."

"I love dealing with a Frenchwoman. All her thinking takes place between her thighs, and the man she loves is the beneficiary."

"You are not supposed to know that information, husband. It is sanctioned information, for women only, and you are not a women, and you know it. A woman is supposed to impart that information to men, on a need-to-know basis."

They were in bed around 8:30 PM, they went to sleep a little after 1 AM and were up at 5 AM to get ready to depart for the airport at 6 AM. Although they were very happy with one another, they were also very tired. This was going to be a very long day depending on their travel schedule.

Over the next six days they stopped at 20 cities, all in the northern half of the country. Today they would rest in the morning, and take off this afternoon for their first stop in the southern half of the nation. Their intelligence received information that the military was putting something together to shoot down the helicopter, while it was travelling. It would not be an aircraft that did it, it would come from a ground assault. Every military in the world had access to rockets, rocket propelled grenades, and high-powered rifles that could riddle the airframe of the helicopter, making it unflyable. Iran, being one of the most mountainous countries in the world, made flying a helicopter, dangerous. The thermals, from the uneven heating of the earths' surface, bounces tiny aircraft all over the sky. It could not get high enough in the air to avoid these weapons, and staying low was a death sentence. Those intermediate altitudes were perfect for getting picked off by ground fire.

Thankfully, their flight crew were experts at flying through the mountainous terrain of Iran. They stayed close to the sides of the mountains to avoid the treacherous thermals that were in the middle. However, this put them in dangerous territory for anyone wanting to do them ill. And the Army would have them in their sites. In the most mountainous areas of the South, between the cities of Beyand, and Kermas, a brigade of the Army's sixth division was laid out on both sides of the mountains. They believed that helicopter would be flying in the middle of the terrain, and they would chop it to pieces as it flew by. They would gather the pieces, take the bodies, and no one would ever know what happened to them. It was 300 miles of no man's land. They did not drive through any cities or see anyone on their way in. They believed it was the perfect deception. There was only one problem, and it was 350 miles above them.

An ancient Keyhole satellite still orbiting and sending perfect pictures of the ground to the CIA, got an analyst wondering what was going on. He did some background checking to see if there was a wargame coming up, but the only thing he found was that the presidential helicopter was due to fly through that area in two days. The hair on his neck stood up, and he called his supervisor. His supervisor called his boss, and his boss called his boss. His boss called the director of the CIA.

"Sir, we have an incident coming up, and it is not going to be a little one."

"As far as I know everything is close to stable around the world."

"It is, but it will not be for long. It is Iran, sir. The Army is setting up a trap to kill the newly elected president. They are going to kill him in two days. What are we going to do about it?"

"What the hell can we do about it?"

"Sir, with Irans' proximity to Iraq, I would call the Air Force, and have one of their B-52s fly off course and drop their bombs in this little valley, in the middle of nowhere."

"Are you fucking kidding me, you are looking to start a war."

"We could always use the Stealth bomber to do it."

"I like that idea better. Call the DOD and run it by them. Do not use conventional weapons. Use nails, shrapnel, chains, anything that will not lead to us."

"I am on the phone, sir."

"WHAT! Do you have presidential approval?"

"I called you first to get your input."

"It is done easily enough. Our boys go home, and nobody is the wiser."

"Are you going to call? We overfly Iraq, it is friendly territory, go a few degrees off course, drop two 500-pound clusters, and get back on course."

"I think my guy should call. He is on better terms with their Chief of Staff than yours is."

"Thank you, I will take all the help I can get and I can get my guys going."

"Good! Move Out."

"Scott, Edgar over at DOD. I want to take two of my birds out of Whiteman, for an all-day trip to Iraq, where they will accidentally go off course into Iran and drop two 500-pound bombs into a valley containing a brigade of Iranian soldiers, who are waiting to kill their newly elected president, as he flies through this valley, in his helicopter."

"How accurate is your information?"

"About as close to 100% as you can get. We have the Army forming up on both sides of the mountain, and the flight plan for the presidential trip. He will be flying through that mountain pass at about 1 PM the day after tomorrow."

"I guess the ayatollahs were not happy with his win."

"That is a safe bet. I guess the Army did not take it too well either. They were hoping for a split ticket and they could take it over in the end, again."

"I will talk it over with the president, but I will give you his approval now. Go ahead, get the birds in the air, and give them hell."

It takes 18 hours to prep a B-52 aircraft to fly a mission like this. It takes a complete day to prep a B-2 bomber. The aircraft must be gone over from nose to tail on the outside. When that is finished, they must go over the inside, and do it again. Then the loading begins. The aircraft is made of the thinnest fabric imaginable, but it is stronger than steel. That is why such care is given to it during the preflight.

They loaded both aircraft with a full load of bombs for balance, but the first two are very special. They are green. These two are made from a special silicate that would leave no trace of the bomb covering itself, just sand, or the bomb explosive material used to detonate it.

While all this high-tech work was going on, the US Army was not being left out of this plan. Under the dark of night they moved into Iran, using the shadows, and the empty spaces to get close enough to the area where the military had set up their trap.

They disgorged their passengers and retreated to Iraq. The 47 goats and two goat herders and their wares herded their goats in the direction they wanted them to go. At sunrise, the day of the attack, they were walking through the valley, as lazy as they could be, following their goats.

The Colonel laughed to his aide, "Those shepherds do not know how lucky they are."

The aide laughed.

What the Colonel did not know was that one of the shepherds laid down a laser designator as he was walking along, tending his goats. The bombs would not be more than 20 feet off course.

Everyone had seen how effective they were in Baghdad. The detonation point was now guaranteed.

The B-2's crossed over the Iraqi border just after 10 AM. Nothing in Iraq picked them up. Nothing in Iran had picked them up, either. Their instrument panel chose their way into the valley for them, when the pilots took control of their aircraft. Flying down the line set for them. After 15 hours of flying, they finally had a chance to take control of their aircraft. A beeper went off, and the first officer said, "Laser designator picked up, sir."

The captain said, "Open bomb bay doors."

"38 miles to target."

"Roger."

"25 miles to target."

"Bomb release."

The first officer said, "Bomb one released." 10 seconds later he said, "Bomb two released."

Twenty seconds later, he said, "Both bombs have the laser designator tuned in."

"Close bomb bay doors."

"Sir, it is time to go home."

"Should we go see Tehran on the way home?"

"Sir, if you do not mind, I would like to see my 30th birthday."

"I keep forgetting I am flying with an infant this time. Left turn, tune in London, proceed direct."

"I like that idea sir."

"Remind me to change your diaper when we get home."

"It will be my pleasure sir."

On the ground, the 6th Brigade of the Iranian Army was waiting for the helicopter to arrive, but that is not what they received. The first 500-pound bomb exploded 20 feet above the surface, throwing nails, shrapnel, and other metal objects in a conical shape up both sides of the mountain nearly to its top, and 7600 feet in diameter. Anyone within this range was killed instantly, either by the force of the blast, or the metal objects that were used.

The first bomb had not had enough time to finish its work, when the second bomb exploded 40 feet in the air. It took the same shape and exploded upward, and took out everything in its path. It took out all the oxygen in the air, as well as deploying all its metal objects in a conical shape over the top of the ridge of the mountain. The Army brigade was negated, and no one knew how or why.

The presidential helicopter flew a path through the valley at 1:35P.M., They were running late. They were close to the west side of the mountain to avoid the thermals. The passengers were busy looking out the windows, and saw the carnage laid out before them. The pilots were looking outside for signs of trouble, also. What they saw was unbelievable. Men, parts of men; rifles and guns of every kind, plus weapons of all kinds torn up by something incomprehensible, but no one was around the area to pillage it.

The pilots did not say a word to alarm the passengers, they just took the seven-minute trip through the valley, out into the plain to Kermas. As they exited, and followed their flight plan, they saw goat herders minding their goats traveling towards the city. They did not realize how helpful they were.

There was a large crowd waiting for them. This had become a regular part of his arrival at every city. Kermas was not a large city. He got into the car and had to drive very slowly to the rally point. When he arrived there, it was a mob scene. The entire town had shown up.

No President elect had ever visited their town before. He talked to them as like he was one of them. He did not use big slogans or high fangled language, he used regular language, and they loved him for it. At the end he said to them, "Please remember, my carpet shops are still open. If you feel you need a new carpet or rug, feel free to drop in."

"The crowd went wild, with cheers and laughter. This was a man they could deal with."

"The ayatollahs had a definite difference of opinion. How did they get rid of this man, if a brigade of infantry could not do it?"

They had sent out scouts to find out what happened to the brigade, and had not received word yet. It could not be good.

When they reached their next destination, Markam, and he got out of the helicopter to see his adoring fans, they were waving rugs at him. He broke out into laughter. Apparently, word traveled fast. He said to Ava, "There must have been a woman in the crowd in Kermas. There is no way word could have travelled this fast."

She hit him, viciously, in public, for the first time and the crowd roared, with approval.

He covered his head to prevent any further displays of her power, but there was none, as he got into the car.

"Ava, it was only a joke."

"Avi, it was a sexist joke, and you are trying to relieve that stigma from this country. It must start from the top and work its way down."

"You are correct dear. I apologize."

The crowd was again the size of the complete town. Ali was amazed that everyone showed up to greet him, but he should not have been. Again, he was the first politician to travel to this area, ever, and they were not only grateful for his visit they were thrilled.

He repeated his speech including his request that they buy rugs from his stores, but also that they try to include what he was trying to do for the country in their lives. Treat their children more-kindly. Treat your wives like human beings, and yourselves like citizens of a 21st century country. He said, "Sure, we do not travel around in cars, and trucks as they do in England and the United States, but that does not mean we are any different than them. We have oil that they want, we have uranium, that they desire, we have all sorts of natural resources that we can sell on the open market, in exchange for goods and services that we can use in this country to make our lives better. We have one advantage that the West does not have. We do not suffer from air pollution. Our air is clean. By the time we catch up to our Western counterparts, everything will be powered by electricity, or hydrogen that produce no harmful byproducts that pollute the atmosphere. We may be behind now; but we will be ahead of them then. Keep working my people, and all things will come to pass as long as I live." The people cheered enthusiastically. Not so the ayatollahs, or the Army, they had frowns on their faces.

Their next stop was the holy site of the Imam Resa Mosque where they prayed and walked around. They were not alone however. The visit was leaked to his followers and they were there in the thousands to greet him. They prayed together, and walked around the grounds of the holy site. He gave a speech about their religion, and how great it was. However, their religion was born 1500 years ago, and a lot had changed since then. They rode strictly Camels and Donkeys. We still use them, but we also use our modern inventions. The modern inventions Our God Allowed Us to Design and Build. We must follow the religious edicts of our religion, but not the artificial edicts handed down by the mullahs who think they know more than Mohammed did. Mohammed is our God; a mullah is a man who studied what Allah said. He may or may not have gotten it right, but many times you and I know He Got It Wrong!"

When he ended his speech, the military units assigned to protect him were overrun by his supporters. He had to beg his followers to back off, because he was exhausted, and desperately needed sleep.

Medics rushed towards him, and injected something into his neck. He was unconscious in seconds. Unfortunately, it was already 2 A.M.; and takeoff time was 7 A.M.

Ava threw a pillow at him to wake him up. He was startled. "What did I do wrong Now. I was sleeping."

"Ali, I would like to say that your mouth overloads your brain; but it does not. You are too smart by half. However, your mouth is destroying 'My Beauty Sleep.' Every time you open it in front of a crowd, it does not know when to stop. I do not know if you feed off them; or they feed off you, but it goes on for hours at a time, and I lose my sleep because of it. I have not gotten to bed before 1 AM in the last four days, I have been up at 5 AM every morning, and at the airport by 6 AM, and I am dragging because of it. I swear by all that is holy, if you do not allow me to get some rest, I will not let the clergy, or the military kill you, I will do it for them."

He absolutely shocked her panties off when he agreed with her. He said, "Ava, Iran out of energy the day before yesterday. I have been living on reserves. I must stop, I cannot go on. The three hours sleep I received last night was not enough. I am going to fall through my shoes, and into the sand never to be found again. I am going to ask Zayed to find us a place in the desert where we can sleep, and no one can find us. I hope that is acceptable."

"Ali, I know you think that is possible, but you do not realize how popular you have become. Your people will find you, when they find you, they will spread the word, and other people will find you. After that, husband, you are toast."

"I will put makeup on, and make-believe I am someone else."

"Now, you are going to become an Elvis impersonator?"

"At least, I believe, he would not be as popular as I am, right now."

When they took off, he told Zayed of his plan, and to find a place for them to put down so he could rest for a while. They found an oasis and set down near it. Avi was lying under a palm tree when he heard it happen. By ones and twos, they rode up to the oasis and started sitting near him. Ava laughed. Ali you may never get a days' rest for the rest of your days.

He opened one eye and saw the people looking at him expectantly. He said to them, "I am sleeping."

They did not reply, they sat there expectantly. The crowd grew in waves as Fannale, and the pilots started setting them up in great semicircles that would fit the structure of the oasis. At first it was hundreds, and then it was thousands.

Ava walked over to Avi who was still sleeping and kicked him in his rear. "Get up you lazy ass, your admirers are here, and they expect to hear from you."

"Can I get a glass of tea first?"

"I will think about it."

They brought out several large trunks from the helicopter for him to stand on, and hopefully not to break his neck. When he got up there was a large cry from the crowd.

He shouted out, "Honest folks, I am not that good looking, ask Ava."

They all laughed.

"I was going to save this speech for tomorrow, but you have made this day very special for me. You have come from nowhere, and made this a place of joy. We have music, food, and friendship, what more could a human being asked for. I will tell you what we could ask for: PEACE!" Since the mullahs took over nearly 70 years ago, this country has furnished money and arms to every rebel group that has asked for it. It did not matter to them if they agreed with our religious principles or not. It did not matter if they could pay for the arms or not. We just gave them to them, and hoped that they caused havoc for the Western powers.

The day I take office, that will stop. I will tell the Department of Finance that not one Rial will be spent on terrorism, not one. If the military believes they are going to do it on their own, I will fire the generals that do it, and put them in prison for life, and I can do it. Iran will no longer be a sponsor of state terrorism.

My group was flying through a valley yesterday, and we saw a terrible site. On both sides of this valley, we saw soldiers that were apparently massacred up and down the walls of the mountains. It may have been a war game, but it did not come out too well, for either side, because they both got slaughtered. Those of us in the helicopter did not see one living soul on either mountain slope. There was a huge death toll, probably in the thousands of men, as well as the loss of materials that cost millions of dollars. Whatever general was responsible for that fiasco should be stripped of his rank, and forced into retirement, which is much too good for him."