An Unplanned Bonding

Katie frowned and returned to looking at the floor. I got the feeling she wasn't sure if she believed me.

I felt terrible for Abby, and I didn't think she should go off into the city alone, but I knew that if I left now, it would hurt Katie beyond any chance of repair. So I waited.

I felt Abby get into the passenger seat of the Jeep. She pulled her backpack from the back seat into her lap, then just pushed her face into the fabric and cried.

I couldn't come up with anything that I could do or say, so I kept my mouth shut and waited. I felt Abby's despair seep into me, and tears started running down my face, too. All I could do was hold Katie's hand and gently stroke her knuckles with my thumb.

"I believe you," she finally said after a large sigh. "It's all too crazy to be something you two made up. Besides, I'm pretty sure I've never seen you cry before, so you are taking this very seriously."

I didn't think she expected a response, so I kept quiet and waited for the next explosion.

"It hurts. I feel betrayed, but maybe you made the right choice, I guess," she said with resignation.

"Do you want me to give you some space to think?" I asked.

She finally looked at me, "You're leaving!?" Her expression of shock was clear.

"No, of course not! I was just thinking that I could go into the kitchen and make dinner," I said with a shrug.

After a moment, she nodded, then went back to looking at the floor and clenching her jaw.

I spent a couple minutes looking around the kitchen, trying to decide something to make. My original plan for this evening was totally shot. Before meeting Abby, I had planned on driving to the store tonight and picking up ingredients for something really special for Katie and I, along with some lit candles and romantic music.

Now I had to just come up with something to make with what we had in the apartment. The most diplomatically responsible thing would be to pick a meal that Katie loved eating, and something in a large enough quantity that the three of us could eat, if Katie asked Abby to come back in to talk. So I got to work making spaghetti.

After putting a large pot of water on the stove to boil, I made a trip to the bathroom, while peeking in on Katie along the way. She hadn't really moved. I guessed no reaction was better than a bad reaction for now.

I finished my business quickly, washed my hands, and made sure I looked presentable. On the way back to the kitchen, I noticed that the couch was now empty. I knew she needed space and maybe went to our bedroom to lay down. So I headed back to the kitchen.

I forced myself to stop crying. All of my plans were long gone, now I had to focus on the basics -- food, water, clothing, and shelter.

Though my options were pretty limited, I still had a safety net in the form of money that I had available. I'd already verified that my wallet was still in my backpack, containing some cash and my debit card. It had taken a lot of planning to actually get that card, so I was very pleased that I still had it. If I could get to an ATM, I would have access to more. I wouldn't be sleeping in an alley, at least.

I couldn't go back home. Worse, I couldn't even leave the city. I knew from my parents that we could maybe get as far as two or three miles apart before our senses would start to scramble. We'd get blurry vision, numb skin, and horrible tinnitus before eventually passing out. I had to stay nearby, for both our sakes. I was pretty sure I'd mentioned this to Justin at one point, so he'd understand my need to stay nearby.

Even worse was the fact that, as much as I hated it, I had to stay alive, safe, and healthy, too. I didn't know how to Wall off Justin from feeling my pain.

This reminded me that I had something to work on. I closed my eyes and tried to focus inwards. I could feel Justin's body as though it were sitting right here, in the same seat, taking up the same space as mine. I wanted to dampen the connection, or at least some of the sensations. The least I could do was give him some privacy, like I'd originally promised.

He was just sitting, holding Katie's hand. She was glaring at the floor in silence. It was so easy to view everything. I was pretty sure now that the ability to Block wouldn't be something solid, like flipping a switch and turning off the connection. Rather, it would be more of a trained focus, like learning to ignore a repetitive sound.

Perhaps, the secret to Blocking was just a matter of practice?

I focused on myself, tapping my fingertips together and trying to feel them and not Justin's, when Katie suddenly said something. I clenched my jaw and ignored what she was saying. I pretended that my fingers were far too interesting to bother with hearing what Katie had to say.

Justin said something back, which was harder to ignore, but I found that when he stopped talking, I didn't really know what they'd said. It was a small win, but a step in the right direction.

I felt Justin's shock and vividly heard Katie's outburst when she asked if he was leaving, and then he reassured her and got up to make dinner.

I opened my eyes again and looked around. Maybe I'd have better luck if I had something more interesting to focus on. I needed a plan. Back to basics, right? Food, water, clothing, shelter...

I needed a plan on where to stay. A hotel was out of the question unless there was one close by, and I had no idea how to get an apartment here. I figured that there were probably homeless shelters in the city that would take me in, but I wasn't sure if there would be one close enough.

My attention was suddenly drawn to the side mirror as I saw Katie storming out of the building. She looked furious and was walking in my direction while pulling a set of keys from her purse.

I started to panic. She would not be happy to climb into the driver's seat and find me here. Before I could come up with a plan, I noticed that she was actually walking towards a maroon colored car nearby.

She was leaving.

I made a quick check on Justin and saw he was in the bathroom washing his hands, he had no idea that she'd left.

On impulse, I climbed out of the Jeep and ran around, getting into the passenger seat of Katie's car just as she closed the door on the driver's side. I didn't intend to stop her, but I also didn't want her to leave without a chance to talk with her first.

Katie sat, gripping the steering wheel while staring at it.

"I can't get away from you now, can I?" she asked in a whisper.

"If you want me to get out, I'll go, but I'm sure you don't really want to leave me here with Justin. I figured that you would feel better if I stayed where you could watch me," I replied, trying to be as diplomatic as possible.

I wasn't lying. Staying with Katie would cause her to worry less. But in truth, I also wanted to follow her to make sure she didn't do something drastic. I'd upended her life, she had reason to be devastated.

We sat in silence for a bit.

"I have so many questions," she whispered, "Does he still love me? Is our relationship over now? Maybe it's silly, but I feel like our future is gone."

I didn't hesitate. I couldn't let her continue this train of thought.

"Justin loves you even more than you know. I can feel it, the same way that he does. The Bonding didn't change that. I'm the intruder. I'm still a stranger. Justin and I have no relationship, other than being stuck in this thing together. If anything, I'm kind of like an estranged sister that he just discovered. We've just barely started learning about each other."

I gave her time to digest my answer, but it didn't take long to come up with another question.

"So can you cancel the Bond, or change it to be with someone else?" she asked.

I sighed.

"No. It's permanent." I bit my lip, debating on saying more, and eventually decided on full disclosure. "Only death can break the Bond. To be more specific, if he were to die, I would die, too -- I can't Bond again, so the curse would claim me. On the other hand, if I die, he'd be free, but not without consequences. He'd experience my death, which I've heard would be a massive shock that might kill him, too. It hasn't happened in recent generations, but the odds aren't good for his survival if that happens."

I could tell she was stunned by this.

"But, how can you possibly be okay with this!?" She was practically yelling. "I mean, Justin said your parents were Bonded. It seems like it would make a really special marriage. As long as Justin and I are together, you'll never have that. I know you feel like you don't belong and you're getting in the way, but I feel that way, too. Does that make sense?"

My cheeks were wet again. I nodded and sniffled.

"I don't have a choice, Katie. He loves you, not me. If you were to leave, that wouldn't change. He'd be heartbroken, and through our link, I would be too.

"The worst part for me is that I can't free him for you. If he'd let me die last night, he'd be okay. But now, my death might kill him," I sobbed.

To my great amazement, she leaned over and hugged me, and I felt myself melt into her and we cried together, loudly.

Something had definitely changed. As I felt soothed by her embrace, I became aware of Justin's presence. He was silently watching and crying right along with us. His love for Katie was surging right along with his sorrow over her pain. I expected to feel some jealousy from him, but there was none.

I couldn't tell how I felt about her, not really. On one hand, she was mostly a stranger, and perhaps a new friend. But I also felt like I loved her and wanted her. Not like a sister, but like a lover. Was I just getting Justin's feelings muddled with mine, or had they actually been transferred to me when we Bonded?

As Katie began to calm, I felt myself relax, too. Soon, we were simply holding each other in silence, with her chin resting on my right shoulder, and mine on hers.

I whispered, "Justin was crying right along with us. He's such a big tough guy."

We both chuckled at that.

Katie finally released me and sat back. "I guess... I don't think I should leave. I still have lots of questions, and maybe it would be best if the three of us sat down to talk."

"I agree," I replied quickly, "and our timing is good. Justin just finished the spaghetti, we can go in right now and set the table."

Katie shook her head slowly at me with a strange expression.

"It's going to be really hard getting used to the way you are able to just know what he's doing all the time."

Dinner started out way too quiet and very awkward. It was clear that Abby and I didn't want to say the wrong thing, and Katie was still processing.

We all prepared our own bowls of spaghetti from the pans on the stove and sat at the table together. Our kitchen table was round and had four chairs. Naturally, Katie and I had gotten used to sitting across from each other and leaving empty seats to the sides. Now, it made the most sense to push one chair out of the way and sit in a triangle.

Abby knew what I had originally planned for this dinner. It was the whole reason I made the trip home over the weekend. If I hadn't been going to retrieve a ring, I wouldn't have met her on my way home last night.

I was planning on something much more romantic for this occasion. I've always been happy to spend a couple hours preparing a fancy meal from scratch and lighting some candles... but the drama involved in coming home with Abby totally ruined any chance of something like that. Tonight was ruined, so I'd have to reschedule the romantic dinner for some point in the future when things settled down.

I was disappointed in myself that I was putting it off, but also relieved that I wouldn't be proposing tonight. The idea terrified me.

We continued to eat in silence, and Abby finished her food first. I already knew she was still hungry, and I got a strong impression that, before today, she hadn't had a warm meal in a long time.

Without asking, I grabbed her empty bowl and took it to the kitchen to refill it. I was prepared to argue with her if she tried to turn it down, but she didn't. I just got a small smile and she dug in to the second helping. I glanced at Katie, who was watching me with a curious expression on her face. I waited a minute for her to say something, but she kept silent.

"What?" I finally asked. I felt self-conscious, like I'd done something wrong.

"I'm just wondering why you did that. You got her more food without her asking first. You don't do that with me." Katie didn't seem angry, though, it sounded like genuine curiosity.

"Oh," I said with a shrug, feeling a little guilty. "I know she's still hungry. I can feel it, it's uncomfortable for me, too. Plus, I know she's been living on granola bars, trail mix, and jerky for a while. She's enjoying the comfort food."

Abby was a little embarrassed, but didn't argue with anything I'd said.

Katie looked thoughtful for a moment, then, rather abruptly, I felt a swift kick in my shin.

I clenched my jaw and jerked my leg back, but Abby's reaction was much more dramatic. She yelped loudly, jumped up from her seat, and stood on one leg holding both hands over her non-existent injury. She glared at me at first, possibly thinking that I'd kicked her, but she soon figured out it wasn't her own pain she was feeling, and she went from angry to abashed as she made the connection.

She flopped back down into her chair and kept silent, wincing at the throbbing pain we were both feeling. I could tell that she was intensely bothered by it, but didn't feel like she had the right to say anything.

Katie was wide-eyed with surprise as soon as she'd heard the yelp.

"Oh shit!" she said loudly. "Abby, I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to... I mean, I wasn't sure what I expected..."

Abby flinched from the loud outburst, but stayed quiet.

"I guess I wasn't totally convinced... but this... you weren't faking it. You couldn't. I thought maybe you'd just know, but you actually felt it, didn't you?"

Abby nodded.

"So, you'll always have to... I mean, you feel everything he does?"

My mind wandered to the shower this morning, or maybe it was Abby remembering it, and passing the embarrassment on to me. Either way, we were both uncomfortably squirming at what had happened.

"Well," I spoke up, "we still haven't figured out how to stop that. We know that it's possible to keep things from going between us, but we don't know how."

Abby spoke up. "My parents were able to do it. We've been experimenting with the Bond, figuring out how to do things with it. Like, I figured out right away how to push Justin to do things that I wanted and then showed him how to do it, too. We've been calling it 'Urging.' My parents used the term 'Walling' to describe stopping a feeling from getting out, and 'Blocking' when you stop a feeling from coming in."

"We haven't figured out how to do those yet," I added.

Katie sighed. "I'm sorry. I only kicked him to see if you'd be aware that it happened, I didn't realize it would hurt you, too."

Abby and I just shrugged.

Deciding that dinner was probably done at this point, I cleared off the table and took all the dishes to the kitchen.

As I walked back in and sat, Abby immediately stood up.

"I'll be right back," she said without clarification.

She was going out to the Jeep, which made sense. Her backpack was still out there.

I reached over and took Katie's hand again. "Did you have any questions?"

"I have so much that I want to know," she answered. "But nothing that I can specifically think of right at the moment."

"How are you feeling overall?" I asked. After a moment of hesitation, I clarified, "Are you feeling more positive or negative about the two of us?"

"I'm not really sure," she said with a sigh.

Abby came back in at that point. I felt her apprehension about where to put her stuff, and I guided her to put everything in the closet by the door for now. A moment later, she returned to the table and sat. She reached towards me with something hidden in her clenched fist. I knew what it was already.

Taking the ring box from her, I kept it hidden from Katie and moved it to my front pocket. I gave Abby a confused look. She knew that I had abandoned my plan of proposing tonight, she should have left it where I'd hidden it in my First Aid kit under the driver's seat.

"Don't put this off, Justin. She needs to know what you planned." Abby said with an intense look.

I felt a sudden panic. My heart started pounding.

Yesterday afternoon, I had almost no doubt that she'd say yes. The ring wasn't anything spectacular and I couldn't afford to take her out to a fancy french restaurant in a suit to pop the question, but our relationship was stable and we were happy.

Today, that assurance was gone. I'd foregone the special dinner and candles for something quick so we could all sit down and talk. I was dressed in a T-shirt with some random tech company's logo and jeans. On top of that, Abby's presence was a massive unexpected twist in the day-to-day schedule that we'd grown accustomed to.

"What? What do I need to know?" Katie was clearly unhappy that I was keeping something from her.

"Are you sure?" I asked Abby, sounding far more distressed than I would have liked. "I mean, does this make sense right now?"

"What are you two hiding from me?"

I closed my eyes, trying to gather some courage. I wasn't ready for this, was I?

Don't think about it, just do it. Abby spoke into my mind.

I felt trapped. I opened my eyes to see Katie's fear and confusion. I realized she was probably expecting to receive bad news. I couldn't brush this off and expect her to ignore it, and I wouldn't lie to her to buy time.

I stood, pulled the box back out of my pocket, opened it, and quickly dropped to one knee. Forcing myself to quit planning and just do it made everything simple.

"Katie Dobson, you're the best thing that has ever happened to me. I've known for months now that no matter how my life goes, I didn't want to have a future where you weren't in it. I lied to you about this weekend and I'm sorry. I did go back to my parents house, but it wasn't because of some family emergency. I told my parents that I wanted to propose to you, and my mom offered to give me her grandmother's ring.

"So that's why I made the trip, and why I didn't stay long. I wanted to get back to you as quickly as I could, so I could ask you...

"Will you marry me?"

I realized I'd kept my eyes closed, trying to recall all of my little speech I'd come up with. When I looked up into Katie's eyes, I felt my heart sink.

I'd hoped to see joy or relief, with tears, a smile, or both, but instead I only saw apprehension. She was just as unsure as I was.

She broke eye contact after only a few seconds. I could be a little grateful that she didn't turn me down immediately, but it was possible that she was just taking time to find a tactful way to say it.

I waited there on my knee, watching her face for a sign of which way the coin was going to fall.

It was painful for me to watch the stalemate across the table. I could feel Justin's mood sinking as the seconds went by.

I didn't need a Bond with Katie to know why she was hesitating.

"Look, Katie," I said as gently as I could. "You don't have to answer right now."

She looked at me, and I was pleased to see her face brighten a little.

"I'm just... not sure about all this. It's so much to think about right now," she explained.

Justin caught my drift and then took charge. "You can't really accept when you aren't sure what you're agreeing to. I understand... We both understand. You needed to see it, though. Abby told you earlier that I love you very much. She was about to tell you right then that I was going to propose to you tonight, but she held off."