An Unwitting Discovery Ch. 02

"And, maybe it was that part of his anguish, that really got to me -- that had me take him to bed to show him that he damn well could satisfy a woman, sexually. Do you really think he'd have been a party to my betraying my husband, in another man's bed -- after Launa had done the exact same damn thing to him -- without at least my suggesting I'd be interested in a romp in the sack, with him? There's just no way he'd have done it. It simply had to be me; I'm certain of it."

"Maybe it was mutual," I offered, remembering how strongly Dad had felt he was the one who was responsible for the incident.

"It's very possible, and really kind of you to suggest that. Anyway, after I returned home, I attempted to put it out of my mind, as we'd agreed. My marriage seemed unaffected, and I continued to focus on getting Zane and Adam through school. Then, the spring before last, Jim dumped his longtime affair on me and moved out with his younger woman. While the divorce was being finalized and I sold the house, I stayed with Zane and Adam for a few months, last summer. During that time, the memory of my trip to comfort him kept coming back to me. I was having insomnia and I'd dream about it and feel the echo of our coupling."

"Echoes?" I repeated questioningly.

"It's hard to describe, Tommy," she gave me a wan smile, "but -- sometimes -- when a man makes love to a woman surpassingly well, she can feel echoes of it -- the feel of him. Pardon my being explicit," she said, and took a deep breath. "It can almost feel like he's still inside her -- for hours, even after it's over. No man -- not even my ex-husband, in all our years together -- ever loved me so well that I could feel the echoes of it, the next morning. Not until Danny, and what happened that night.

"I have no idea what time we got home from the pub, or when the coupling began, or how long it lasted," she sighed. "I only know that -- the next morning -- when I woke, I could still feel the 'throb' where he'd been, inside me, and it felt amazingly wonderful in that hazy state of waking up. As I came more fully awake, and aware of where I was, my other senses began to report things to me -- the pungent smell of our sex, the sound of a man waking up next to me -- and it dimly registered in my brain that I'd just had the singular most amazing night of lovemaking I'd ever experienced, and I really needed to thank the man next to me -- whoever he was."

"And then full consciousness hit me, and I realized where I was -- and with whom -- and my heart dropped into the pit of my stomach as everything became clear. I was covered with most of the sheet and, when I opened my eyes, I was presented with a direct view of his torso. In my sudden embarrassment, I'd grabbed the sheet to cover myself and he quickly stood and grabbed his boxers as I darted back to the guest room, with a full body blush!

"As I closed the door, he was facing me as he tried to pull his boxers up. God -- he was stunningly attractive! His -- um -- equipment was at its full magnificent attention. As he tried to hide what'd been responsible for that wonderful feeling I was experiencing, I saw it in his eyes for just a flash. This wasn't morning wood, despite his deep embarrassed look. He was excited to see me. He wanted me, again, and his manhood was unlike anything I'd seen before.

"To this moment, I have that vision implanted in my mind's eye. Danny, my little brother had given me something that -- try as I might -- I couldn't make myself forget, that night. I kept coming back to it, wishing I'd been sober enough to actually remember everything that he did, to me -- and, hopefully, what I did, for and with him, in return. I mean, up to the moment when Jim told me that he was leaving me for a younger woman, I'd always thought I was at least fairly good, between the sheets, and I'd like to think that I gave Danny as much pleasure as he'd given me..."

"Like I said," I told her, blushing nearly as much as she was. "Maybe it took both of your buried desires to light that fire. You said -- and so did Dad -- that the two of you got pretty toasted. Plus, he mentioned that he'd had an immense crush on you, back when he was about twelve. That would have been about the time you turned eighteen, and you just said that you left the house to protect him, as soon as you were old enough to get out. Maybe that night wasn't just one, but both of you, dealing with unresolved feelings toward each other... "

"You know, that's very kind of you to suggest. I haven't had many conversations about this. Zane and Adam know, because I told them about it, but we never discussed it in such detail. I really appreciate your insight, and I'm even more glad you came along on this trip, because we wouldn't have had this talk, otherwise."

"I am, too. I had no idea about you and Dad. Did it cause a problem in your marriage?"

"No, I don't think so but, after I returned home, I attempted to put it out of my mind, as we'd agreed. While the divorce was being finalized and I sold the house, I stayed with Zane and Adam for a few months, last summer.

"I needed a break, after what I'd been dealing with, and I figured that both Zane and Adam could use a break, too, before they each settled into the rigors of their post-grad studies. We took a little trip to get away and do a bit of relaxing. So we went to Virginia Beach, for a few days, to visit a relative -- your great-aunt Audrey. It was just the thing to cure my sleep deprivation.

"After we returned, it felt like I should let them focus on their studies and find myself a change of scenery. When I thought of all the places I might go, there was only one place that drew me. I needed my little brother. In my mind it wasn't about that previous event, at all -- although I thought about not telling Danny I was coming down for fear he'd talk me out of it because of that.

"When I arrived, he was the sweetest host and a complete gentleman. Oh, he almost constantly tossed little compliments -- and some rather huge ones -- at me, and I'm sure he was trying to undo the overwhelming doubts about my looks, my sensuality, and my entire self-worth that Jim's sudden revelation of his affair had instilled in me. I mean, he'd been carrying on -- behind my back -- for seven years, with a girl who was young enough to be our daughter! That hit me way below the belt!

"The thing is, when your own brother tells you that you're kind of 'hot' -- and that he doesn't think he could find too many men who'd disagree with him, on that score -- it kind of slips under your radar, eventually, and burns its way into the core of you. And that's what it did, to me.

"Unfortunately, that vacation trip I'd taken, to your great aunt's house, hadn't done a damn thing to suppress those thoughts I'd kept having, about Danny. If anything, a few of the stories Aunt Audrey related to me, about those bygone days, not only had those thoughts coming back, but had kindled a few additional ones, as well. And, as he helped me get settled in, over the first night of this visit, that long-gone night was the proverbial 'elephant in the room' that eventually had to be dealt with.

"We finally got around to it, the morning after my arrival. We'd been talking about that 'safety-conscious' nature, of his, and he commented that -- between the industry he works in, and his own private life experiences, he trusted very few people..."

"Why does that not surprise me?" I'd chuckled.

She'd laughed along with me, and then continued her recounting of the events that had led her and Dad to enter into their current relationship.

"I suggested that that was likely why he'd seemed unsure about letting me stay for awhile, at his place, while I got my feet back under me, again, and got my life back together -- that he didn't trust me. He took a bit of offense to that, saying that it wasn't a matter of his not trusting me, but of his not trusting himself not to hurt me, like he had at the end of my last visit. Of course, that brought the whole incident back out, into the open, and we had to deal with it.

"I told him that, quite frankly, he hadn't hurt me, that night. Yes, it was embarrassing, at the time, but I'd reached a point where I actually looked back on that night rather... fondly. He was quite surprised, at that, but he eventually confessed that he'd come to look back on that night in a less-embarrassed way, himself.

"From there, things... I guess 'shifted,' you might say. It seemed like our conversation became 'charged' with these little bits of sexual 'banter' as the two of us began to dance around the issue that was at the core of it all. We'd both been through that night, and we both hated the fact that we couldn't remember a damned thing. If we'd had to wind up making love with each other, why the hell couldn't we both have at least been sober enough to remember how we'd made each other feel?

"We fell asleep on the couch -- sitting up -- in each other's arms, my first night there. The second night, we wound up sharing his bed, though we didn't actually make love to each other until the next morning. That was all it took, to have us falling head over heels in love with each other, and I hadn't even been there two whole days! I still insist that he was drawn into my madness, again, but he'd differ strenuously with that notion, if you confronted him with it. He insists that it takes two to tango, so we're both to blame.

"The thing it -- and, in my mind, it's a wonderful thing -- is that neither one of us cares. What we've both gained is far too grand, far too amazing, for either of us to ever want to undo it! I don't regret one moment of it and, according to him, neither does he. He's the kindest man, in every sense of the word. He took me on my first trip to Europe, the very next week -- almost like a honeymoon. He called it, putting an exclamation point on our whirlwind love affair, -- but it was an exclamation point of beginnings, not endings."

The conversation with Aunt Katie had helped me see, clearly, how much they adored one another. Her words had nearly repeated almost verbatim much of what Dad had told me. The differences between their stories were whom they felt was responsible, and both of them vigorously believed it was themselves. Regardless of who had the responsibility of their relationship turning sexual, it was pretty clear both of them felt they belonged together, now.

That warm summer day, I'd had some thinking to do -- a choice to make. I'd gone out into the water to be somewhat alone with my thoughts. My initial reaction was probably fairly typical -- they were committing incest with each other -- but there was really more to it than that. They'd each both been married, had a family, and then both of them had suffered the sudden shock and hurt of a spouse walking out on them and filing for divorce so they could go off with someone new.

Somehow, Dad and Aunt Katie had arrived at this solution, and I couldn't help but think there must have been some background -- apart from the incidents Aunt Katie had told me about -- that'd set things in motion. Even as I thought about what that might have been, I realized that nothing was going to change the fact they were together, now. I could either accept that, and them, with the love I'd always had, or turn my back on them both, perhaps forever.

As I'd waded chest deep in the warm water of the Mediterranean, I observed Dad join Katie on the beach. The water took over my senses as I processed how I really felt about my unwitting discovery of the true nature of their relationship. My rational mind was telling me that what they were doing made a lot of practical sense. There were so many reasons to list, on the affirmative side of the debate. They'd grown up together and they had no reason not to be together, now. They were both done raising their children, and had even gone beyond those minimal requirements; they'd both provided for a college education for their children.

Moving in, together -- even without the sexual component -- had a certain logic to it, as well. Dad had been alone for many years prior, and now Aunt Katie's divorce, the year before, had left her in the same boat. Her moving into Dad's place meant that she wouldn't have to be alone, at least not all the time, and Dad would have someone he could absolutely trust, to look after his interests while he did his month-long stints out on the rigs.

The sparkling blue-green water had a most calming effect on me. There they were, reclined together on the pebbled beach. As I watched Dad lean over to kiss Katie, the fact that their relationship had become sexual suddenly made some sense, too. They were both still fairly young. Katie was only in her early forties, although she looked like a young thirty-something to me, and Dan was in his mid thirties. They were both still very fit and active; why wouldn't they desire a sexual relationship? In each other, they had found the singular person whom they could trust without reservation. And it was obvious, from the way they interacted with each other, that it was a complete match.

In the end, the clearest thing about their new relationship was that it was a perfect demonstration of the fact that you don't get to choose who you love. They'd been drawn together, even after a very long separation. Of course, the biggest thing they had going was that they absolutely loved each other, deeply and unconditionally.

My attention was drawn back to the road in front of me, as a large semi-truck merged in from an on ramp. Slowing the car slightly, I allowed space and went back to my thoughts. The problem remaining was that none of this did much to help my situation with Suzan. We just didn't have any of that supporting background. We had our whole lives in front of us, and she had only invested about a semester's worth of time with me. If I were honest with myself, I could easily see her moving on, unless... Unless she believed what she'd said, that day at Myrtle Beach -- that, She'd known all along I was THE ONE. In my heart, I believed that was true for me, and hoped it would remain so for her.

Desperately, I hoped that she would look at the facts, too. We hadn't technically done anything wrong. If we simply kept the truly damning information to ourselves, who would be harmed? I knew, however, that facts alone wouldn't be the deciding factor. There was still the underlying attraction that I couldn't name, which we'd both felt from the very first day we met one another in the hall outside our BIO 310 class. That unnamable, imperceptible yet unstoppable, force had ensnared us, and now my love for her had grown to the point where I couldn't imagine that we weren't meant to be together.

My thoughts wandered as I drove, and I focused intently on the road as I merged onto I-40. The traffic was still relatively heavy. There were lots of students leaving town, but there was also simply more traffic on the road. By the time I got to the place where I-85 merged with I-40, the extra lanes and split of folks heading north thinned the traffic out, a little bit. Suzan had been sleeping soundly for nearly an hour, but the change in road noise seemed to have roused her and she sat up to see where we were.

It was much lighter, now, than when we had left. The sky was not Carolina blue, that morning; rather, it reflected our somber mood, overcast with a chance of rain or snow. The outside temperature indicator on the dash told me it was hovering right at freezing. Snow in December wasn't unheard of, here, but, from what I'd gathered, it didn't normally snow until the middle of winter, which was technically a few days away. Of course, freezing rain would be even worse. Suzan must have been thinking the same thing, as she leaned forward to gaze up upon the clouded sky.

"I hope we don't get freezing rain," she said softly.

"I haven't even checked the weather. I should have, before we left. Could you dig out your phone and see what we might be heading into, sweetie?"

Bending down, she dug in her purse, pulled out her phone and sat back. She flipped through several screens and said, "There aren't any reports of anything here or on the route, yet. There's some precipitation, but it's farther north."

"Are you hungry?"

"Yeah, I was just thinking that I was," she said, as the faintest of smiles returned.

"You want to stop and eat, or get something quick and stay on the road?"

"We're not driving straight through, right?"

"No, that'd be risky, even if we take turns. I -"

"Okay, we should stop and eat at meal times then," she said very decisively. "It'll give us a chance to rest, a bit."

Suzan had taken the words out of my mouth. One thing crystallized as a certainty, in that moment. I realized that, even if Suzan did break up with me, I was absolutely positive that I would still have a very good friend in my half-sister. She was my best friend, and I hadn't had many of those, especially after Mom moved me to Austin. She knew things about me that I hadn't told anyone else, and loved me anyway. Well, she had loved me; I guess I thought she still did. It was pretty clear she didn't hold me responsible for our situation; she just didn't know what to do about it.

I wondered how she wanted to be presented to the family, now, or if she was even thinking about it. Would she want to meet my mom, who was possibly her birth mother? I thought about how that might make keeping the thing secret more difficult. I really don't like dishonesty. Perhaps it's a holdover from what Mom did to Dad. She hadn't just cheated; she'd been patently dishonest. She'd kept secrets, and lied to cover them. That part of her behavior had done harm not only to Dad, but to me, as well. You can't live in that kind of environment without being effected by it, somehow.

What I took away from the whole experience was that keeping secrets often meant that lies and deception would be required. I'd already decided that if I ever had to keep a secret, I'd avoid dishonesty at all costs. I'd much rather say I can't tell you, or I'm not at liberty to say, than make up a lie. That was, in fact, what I would say if I was ever asked about my Dad's relationship with my Aunt.

I saw a blue information sign that had several restaurants listed, and got back into the right hand lane, preparing to exit the interstate.

"Here's a good exit," I said, as I turned off. I was thinking comfort food might be the best thing. "I don't want a buffet, do you?"

"No, but that waffle place might be nice," she said, as though she was reading my mind.

The chain restaurant she suggested was quite popular throughout our part of the south. Suzan and I were frequent customers of the one closest to our apartment. I'd told her, on several occasions, that they didn't have a Waffle House in Corpus. I'd discovered them by accident, during my first week living on campus. The food in the campus dining hall was edible, but I was feeling alone and homesick, so I'd gone out looking for some home cooking. When I stumbled upon the one near campus, I'd actually looked them up to see why I'd never heard of them. Oddly, I found that FEMA actually used the likelihood of them remaining open as an index to determine the impact of a storm and the likely scale of assistance required for disaster recovery. However, there were relatively few of them where I'd lived in Texas.

Years earlier, Dad had taken us to a restaurant that was similar, although not nearly as good in my opinion, near his place in Corpus when he didn't feel like cooking. He was a better cook than Mom, for most things. When he did cook, well, that was even better, and this old chain of restaurants was the closest thing to eating breakfast at my Dad's that I'd found. They made hash browns the right way, grated and cooked beneath a press. In fact all of the food was cooked to order right in front of you. My mouth was watering, just thinking about it, as I pulled into a parking spot right in front of the entrance. I got out to open Suzan's door while she tossed the pillow in the back with the coats. Though there was still a slight chill in the air, the rising yet hidden sun had warmed things a tiny bit.