All Comments on 'And Then There Were None'

I wanted to like this, i really did; but the inconsistencies were too numerous to gloss over.

The cops wouldn’t have let him in the room, neither would the doctors! They would have done a rape kit, and combed it for forensic information. Oxycodone doesn't give you an increased sex drive although it is an opiate and would make you unable to consent to sex.

The cop wouldn’t have told him anything because it could interfere with their investigation. And hubby would have been a suspect.

At that point I stopped reading because your story was pissing me off. It was less believable than if you had Dave win the Billion dollar powerball lottery.

Need more esp Antonio story I hope you become a regular contributor to this site thank you very much

Great first story. Definitely the best of the day. If you have Randi in your corner, you're off to a good start. Look forward to many more stories.

8 pages of pure, unadulterated drivel. Crash and burn for your first attempt.

If police found a woman naked and drugged in the back seat of a car in a bad neighborhood who was not from there, they would not assume first that she was a drug addict who liked sex. They would assume she was drugged and raped. And they would interview her and find out, and they would test the condom wrappers for prints (and would never give them to a private eye). Very unrealistic.

Five pages too long and wordy as hell. Btw, putting another writers name as part of the introduction doesn't make the story any better.

Predictable and boring, nice that he got some revenge but just forgave the wife, didn’t verify anything

Why didn't MC/Dave use some of the 2 million to help Antonio find Sally? Yes, Antonio should have spoken up when he thought he saw Jill being drugged, but when he had a 2nd chance to do the right thing, he did.

Also, Jill needs to explain her behavior before the rape. The shorter skirts. Like maybe Larry and Frank didn't need to drug her. They just didn't know it.

A little long, but better than 90 % of what's been posted in this section over the past few weeks. Good job

I like the meticoulus revenge part, not so much what Evelyn did, but I don't see anything good coming from the fact that Dave never actually adressed the real issue with Jill, that she started to hang out with that crowd in the first place. What happened after she was drugged was none of her fault, but the events leading up to it were.

Very well written.

Great debut story.

I know many consider Randi a God here but her editing skills are atrocious. Just on the first page I found many missing and incorrect words. This is not the first story I've read with her editing that have the same problems. I'm no editor but I can easy identify missing or wrong words.

You write fairly well but to read this story you have to completely suspend logic and believability. I'm not even going to get into what I found wrong and unbelievable in the story as the comment would be nearly as long as the story. If you're going to move forward as a writer please think about what you write and at least attempt to keep it in the believable realm.

Well, that was a great first effort!⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Why do "business women" feel the need to dress slutty for after hours "business meetings"?? Especially a wife and mother. And the husband notices but doesn't say anything?? Yeah, she was drugged but she also put herself in the position for that to occur.

Also, no cop is going to jeopardize his job and career to hid and cover up a drug related overdose and possible rape. And again along this same line no escort or prostitute is going to fuck with the drug cartel. That's nothing but a death wish for them.

Reading this story was tough because of the crazy plot line with so many unbelievable things happening. You know like showering with the prostitute and not fucking her. I'll bet there was a flock of pigs flying over the house at the same time.

You have talent as a writer but if you're going to write like this you need to stick with Sci Fi.

Excellent!

You're wrong this was BTB. The bastards got burnt big time. Great story!

After a long time an enjoyable story in Loving Wife. Keep up the good work.

Hi RedBull,

very good story which I initially rated 5.

Then after reflection, I came back to modify my vote for a 4⭐ and I explain myself:

- For me, you have avoided the main scene which is the confrontation between the wife and her husband.

This creates a main hole in your story.

- Comment does she justify that she is a victim and not an accomplice.

- How do you justify that she changed her dress habits to look sexier for business dinners.

- How do you justify the dances at a business dinner.

- How do you justify that it's the first time she plays and flirts with customers?

There is a large scene of explanation, allowing to express the feelings, the doubts, the fears, the hopes, etc...

a scene allowing you to focus on the couple that you have completely forgotten. It's really a pity.

When you cite Randi as helping you it raises expectations from us trolls in the genre immensely. It's your first story, it appears, so I'll pass on some advice. Work hard on your craft. The first several pages were "rough" in both narrative and plot development. I won't go into blow by blow, just suffice it to say it needs work. I'm not sure where Randi's assistance came in, but the back half was much better. The letter by Evelyn was extremely well done (Randi level stuff - LOL) and the finish was pretty good as well. Just a couple of things that bugged me - Nowhere did you bring up Dave and condoms in the story description. They appear out of nowhere. Why would he have a condom on in the shower for a hand job, if that's the scene it occurs? Last page they name their kids after each other, but you don't acknowledge Dave told her about hi Peggy. 4* overall.

Very complex. You did well by linking the various threads together. But Hubby should have saved some money to give Antonio so he could find his love.

Love this story, even though I can't believe the police doesn't connect the rape of Jill with their misfortune later on. And what happened to the wifes of the rapists?

Good story. Mediocre writing, at best

Great story. Well written. Consider a follow up.

Good story, clearly a great deal of effort went into it. I enjoyed it, until he chose not to discuss the prior “dinner meetings” with Jill. One handjob doesn’t make premeditated events disappear. It seems he could get over the sex, but could he get past knowing that she’d gone to those dinners with intent to push her boundaries if necessary?

The wife drinking booze and dancing with her clients was shady as hell. She might have been drugged on that final night, but everything leading up to that was totally inappropriate for a married woman.

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It was disappointing that the husband never confronted Jill about her behaviour in those "business meetings". By dressing provocatively and being overly flirtatious, she made herself a target for a couple of sexual predators.

Inane bullshit. Maybe drugs played a part but Jill willingly put herself in that position. Why would she be dating 2 clients like that? No, she got what she wanted and Dave should have walked. The bullshit about the daughter accusing Dave of having something to do with Jill's condition was ludicrous.

I wont criticize most of your story, but you did jump from first to third person several times. At the end of the story when you went two years and then four years after, if Dave jr. was his, that should have been at the two and the restaurant at the four, rookie mistake for the writer but not the editor.

Average story, somewhat cliched, but l enjoyed it.

Scores 3/5

I really tried to like this story but in the end I just can't.

You totally ignored the confrontation between the husband and wife about what exactly lead up to the night she was drugged and raped. Was this the first time she did drugs and had sex with these two on one of their late night business meetings and it just got out of control this time?? The husband had noticed that she was dressing up way beyond what one would expect for a business meeting. Yet this was completely dropped in the story and should have certainly been addressed.

Then you have a police officer covering up an obvious drug overdose and rape. It would have been obvious to all of the officers and hospital staff involved that she wasn't simply a crack whore that screwed up. No way this would be covered up without someone getting their asses in a wringer.

Then somehow you persuaded a prostitute to fuck with the drug cartel distribution network mule. Again not going to happen unless she has a death wish.

Your writing is good but you really need to work on staying somewhat in the real world. I have no problem suspending my believe system somewhat for stories but you had me crashing into the abyss with no end in sight on this one. Hell, I would even have been OK with the husband have been a special forces dude than this.

Great first story! Looking forward to more and better from you. Watch out for those plot holes, the trolls always find them!

You have potential, but you seem to have an issue getting through much of what you put to paper.

I do have to agree with others who've discussed the serious shortcomings in the story. Rehashing them wouldnt benefit you.

Tighten up your story telling, dont create holes that rival the ones between a MAGA's ears, that will be a bigly improvement.

Decent burn the bastards story but you left out what most readers in LW are here for. The dialog and confrontation between the husband and wife.

Now I know the world is in disorder. Whacknoodle made some points that actually make sense. Then her last sentence was reflective of her normal witch self so order is somewhat restored again. 😁

Personally, I though it was a decent story albeit a little long for my limited reading abilities. I gave it a 4, Keep on writing RB. You have something to offer in the LW world. 👍 👏

Good first story!

5

Once it became a she was drugged story I went to end. Did the polictest her for drugs and miss the date rape drugs?

You wanted to achieve something beyond typical LW tales. For me, two problems: 1) Husband’s wife in ICU and after hearing drugs/sex involved, immediately sees the love of his life a slut. Like a switch, so unrealistic. Loving husband — seriously??? Unimaginable, but it is your fantasy story. 2) At end, his phallus purifies her. Seriously, purifies. Beyond odd and unfortunate — despite everything our husband hero claims his object.

Good story for a first attempt. Hope to see more of your work.

Hmmm... nice story, but when Dave didn't, (a.) ignored his wife when she regained consciousness and stayed away even after she went to his parents' house, and (b.) no adult reached out to Dave, a big part of the plot line came unstuck, namely Dave's taking time to gather all the facts. If nothing else, his wife, parents and in-laws would be blowing up his phone. It's like she, the kids and the rest of the family went into a sort of suspended animation, thus allowing Dave time to ponder, wonder and plan. Events move in simultaneous streams and not sequentially. Finally, a week in, Stacy calls, and not a grown-up! Also, since this was a work-related event, Jill's boss would need to be informed, and Dave should naturally be riding him like a nickel pony! If nothing else, her boss would be concerned for her as an employee, not to mention his liability for a "working dinner" to turn into a drug-fueled rape.

.

And the cop came close to committing obstruction of justice by not fully reporting the crime. Hard to believe.

.

It was an ambitious story and not as tight as it could've been. It was a fun read, but MC missed a lot of opportunities. Some of the characters' actions were a bit unbelievable. Decently written... keep writing. 4/5.

Oxycodone make you want to have sex? Pigs arse it does. Try doing some research.

Lame and infantly contrived.

You NEED a new editor! The one you have can't even edit her own stories, let alone cut out the unnecessary filler and repeatitive garbage. Gave up on page 3.

Thanks, I enjoyed that. I am a sucker for stories with well worked detail and characters who know how to learn and forgive.

A very detailed well told story.

This was a good story. Well thought out. Are you sure Randi was involved in this? Normally she is busy injecting woke bullshit and stereotypes into stories. If she edited this, you need to find a new editor.

Far fetched but entertaining.

Early in the story you had the dumb cuck asking himself over and over, WHY? Why did his wife do this, what happened, why did it happen, why was she dressing for allurement and sex instead of business? Why was she putting this much effort with obvious enticements into her sales pitch? And what was the answer? Uh, well, you never allowed him to ask or her to answer. It was All supposed to be about the drugs, and then revenge. It was so inane and contrived that I skipped most of the revenge planning and process. Did Evelyn jerk him off sometimes? What was that supposed to achieve, some kind of equivalence with his wife's prick teasing then fucking two clients?

His wife engaged in a sales technique used by many women, business whoring. No sex, usually, but a lot of teasing and tempting and innuendo of favors that might come. Why didn't the husband confront the wife on what led up to her being drugged and raped? That omission is where your plot failed. You trumpeted the husband "reclaiming" the wife. So what was the process and nature of what was lost that the husband had to "reclaim?" Reclaim the stupid cunt's brain? That she freely gave away to make her sales pitch. How does he reclaim an intellect that only she controls. Reclaim her body? Why, did she give it away? Your story implies it was stolen from her and her husband, so why should he have to reclaim what the wife supposedly never gave away? You can't have it both ways, either the wife was complicit in her rape, or she was blameless. You left that answer unresolved, in the end making the wife look like a stupid party slut and the husband like a pitiful cuck. It had great promise, but you punted in the end. Still, thanks for the effort.

Hi Redbull, a very good first story.

I too found the first 4 pages slightly wordy and not easy to read. The following pages did flow better and were much tighter.

Thanks for sharing.

PS. Keep your stories coming.

Would’ve been a 5 if you can brush up on English verbiage. I enjoyed the plot.

As for nay sayers, men have drinks and dance at some after hour business meetings so it should be OK for women to do the same but all actions must pass the spouse test!

TK

This had potential, but was all over the place. There wasn't a single person who I could admire or root for as the tale unfolded. And that's one criteria in fiction that I really like to stick to. i somehow got the feeling that if the author had sat down with the finished product, as lengthy as it was, he could have streamlined the events and made it more comprehensible and a more enjoyable read. I would have liked to rate it 4*, but I had too many misgivings on the quality of the writing and ended up with 3*

Numerous evening 'business meetings' over several weeks where she dresses up in sexxxy cocktail dresses?? Sounds to me she was partying with the two assholes and things just went too far the last time. And this was never addressed in your story. Why??

You ignored what was going to be the best part of the story. Why was his wife dressing up and entertaining these two men with a bunch of after business hours evening meetings. Your MC never addressed that major issue.

You owe us a follow-up story with the wife explaining how she got into this horrible situation to start with.

Your tag line fore shadowed how good it was going to be. "My wife was in a drug groupie..." What is that and even if it made sense it had nothing to do with the story you wrote. Randi is no editor mabye a proofreader but no editor.

Most business men and women I know don't have many after business hours dinner meetings and when they do they include their spouse. For obvious reasons.

As many others have pointed out she never explained why all of the after hours dinner meetings nor why she was dressing far above business professional attire to the point of dressing above what would pass the husband smell test.

"Darling, make me pure, make me pure again," she whispered."

What the hell is up with that statement?? Instead of finding out what went on during those numerous late night business meetings and how the last one went so terribly wrong we have a magical fucking solve all their problems. Ray Charles can see the problem with that. That my friend is a huge elephant in the bedroom.

Another commenter said you owe us a follow-up story and I agree.

Good enough, Boris. Mot great, but good enough to try another one. I look forward to it.

Seems like only anon's commented. That's O.K., I'll fix it. Good story. Good plot. It's all fiction. The bad guys got burned, and there was a happy ending. 5 stars, the Bear approves. The only thing that would have made it better would be Francisco finding his girl and taking care of business. Maybe you could've superhero Dave getting a hold of him and helping out. Just an idea for a sequel. More, my friend.

The BEAR

So is it safe to assume that late night business/dinner meetings wearing slinky cocktail dresses is now taboo in this family? Or is Jill stocking up on some new cocktail dresses for her next business deal. Asking for a friend since this was mysteriously missing from the story.

This is a great story; one that i will read again.

Thank you for writing.

Fantastic first story. Somewhere along the way you couldve answered the main characters question of the slutware. Or maybe thats coming in the next story. Thats really the only gaping hole I see. It was a great read. I look foward to many more.

While you're a good writer you need to work on staying in the ordinary believable world. Take a look at the story Laptopwriter just posted. He's one of my favorite authors because he writes about normal everyday people dealing with normal everyday people issues and problems. Your story had a cop covering up a drug overdose and rape. A prostitute fucking with people connected to the drug cartel and showering with your MC and not fucking him. Then to cap it all off a husband that never questions the wife about what exactly lead up to the night she was raped. I think that myself and many other had a problem relating to your story and characters.

Innovative and well written, great start.

Quite an ambitious first story! It kept my interest Throughout. You switched names a few times and had a few other slips, but the story was very readable. Some aspects of the story seemed improbable, but it’s fictional, so anything is possible. I liked it, please continue writing.

sorry redbull, had to bail on page 3, just wasnt holding my interest. Seemed a bit choppy to read.

Held me to the end.

grreat story! 5*

Good story, but way too much extraneous filler. Make it shorter and more concise next time.

Good stuff. Heavy and involved, almost too much so. Good effort. Thank you very much.

LWlurker

Keep writing Redbull, enjoyed your stories

both of Ur stories are good.

keep writing like this even if it takes time.

I enjoyed this story, a very interesting story with a happy ending. Thanks for your writing.

"Randi is no editor mabye a proofreader but no editor." LOL. truer words

Even as I am inclined to agree with much of the helpful criticism, I really liked the story. It was imaginative, plausible, and the characters were very engaging. Some of the technical details were not believable. This points to a risk in these stories: if the author is going to refer to the real world, in this case drugs or how police operate, then these matters have to be treated seriously and accurately. Luckily these inaccuracies did not really affect the story, and I found it easy to suspend disbelief. In these cases, put the fantasy somewhere else. But I did love the story and felt a high degree of empathy with the main characters. Keep writing!

Absolutely excellent!!Great tale, well-written and totally captivating! Thanks!!

You need to do better or just do some research...

Beautiful story! Shows the depth of love for his 'One and Only' and the depth he'll go to keep her. Thank you! 5 BIG ASS FUCKING HUGE FLAMING NOVA STARS! Also a BIG thanks for no dot dot dots from Authors that think they need to tell us when to pause.

So many holes. He believed his wife? Maybe that last time, but she had already been out with them before! It doesn’t take that many dinners to close a deal. As a matter of fact, it doesn't take ANY dinners. Why wasn’t she insisting that they do their business at the office??? Makes no sense. So she must have wanted to send time away from work; and was already headed down the path to infidelity; those predators just sped up the process.

Then, he’s willing to put another woman (Evelynn) at risk?

Why would Evelynn take a shower and then make him dress her??? Then continue to shower with him? Makes no sense!!!

The whole “seduction” of Larry by Evelynn was just silly.

Then, his stupid wife, whom he has apparently forgiven, is lying semi-conscious in bed while he’s beating off with another woman’s panties. Classy.

The cops would be there in ten minutes? Wouldn’t they already be standing by, just waiting for the room #?

Condom? What condom?? WTF? Was she just rubbing his jizz on herself, or trying to get pregnant? Not quite clear.

Then… she’s repulsed by Larry but willing to screw Frank? SMH.

He gave Evelynn the ENTIRE amount that they took from Frank? Fuck me, his wife’s medical bills aren’t going away any time soon. Split it, at least.