Androshorts: The Village Witch

"No."

"You are the single most regular customer in the pub, since the seventeenth century no less, not one hangover in three hundred and fifty odd years?"

"It was hell, but I managed it," she said with her very rude grin.

"You probably caught it from me, I have seventy little germ carriers I have to deal with five days a week but us teachers are virtually immune to them."

He went down to the kitchen and made her one of those hot lemon cold remedies he had so little faith in, and he often wondered why he wasted his money on them. He took it upstairs and handed it to Ella. She was sat up leaning back against the headboard, the bedclothes pulled across her fantastic bust, her face beaming at him

He returned her smile with one of his own, handing her the drink, plus a coffee that he'd made for her.

"Thank you Stevie," she said taking the cup from him and sipping at the edge of the coffee.

They drank their coffee and Steve turned on the TV with the remote control. It was a chick flick and Ella seemed very impressed and they snuggled back into the pile of pillows. They both fell asleep again. He woke at work o'clock, showered, and got dressed for his day at school.

He made her more tea, brought her a bowl of his overnight oats and another hot lemon and told her to make herself comfortable and he would be back at a bit after four. She kissed him and thanked him for his care of such an old lady.

He came home that night with fish and chips from the nearby shop, and they had their third night in front of the fire and the TV, Ella happy that despite her cold, her death might not actually be imminent.

That was very much the pattern for the next month, and he gave her a key so she could let herself in and come and go as she pleased seeing as Charlie the cat had never been in a cat carrier and showed no interest in leaving Traitor's lane or the surrounding woodland and fields so full of the wildlife he'd been chasing for two hundred and seventy years.

She still avoided other villagers and the grief that was bound to occur, meeting only the other shopkeepers, delivery people and the customers that came in to see her. Her internet and postal business was still going well and she was happier than she could remember being, and the sex was tremendous and so exciting!

One evening he woke in the night and it was to Ella moving from the spoons position to lay hard against him. They both opened their eyes. They kissed, gently passionately and it was a real moment for them both.

Ella had big tears running down her face.

"Whassup baby?" said Steve.

Ella smiled at him, trying hard to control her lips. "I'm waiting for it all to go wrong."

"What?"

"I'm just waiting for you to get up and walk out, decide that you are going to close the school, and your new job is taking you outside of the village, only I can't go with you. Something like that." She took the edge of the duvet and wiped her eyes, "I've been doing this for many, many years Stevie."

"Yeah well at least I know that now."

"Yeah, but will you still know that tomorrow?"

"It is tomorrow Honey," he said, "what I do know is, right now I'm in love with you Ella."

Her pretty face burst into the largest grin. "Aww thank you Steve!" she giggled, "you're the first person to say that to me since the industrial revolution!"

"And what happened to him?"

"Met another girl," she said quite matter of factly, "one that could have children and could go to the summer fair two villages over and wouldn't result in him being tarred and feathered for being seen with me." She rolled to face him, "his great-great-great granddaughter is married to the bank manager that gave you the mortgage for this flat who just happens to be his great-great-great grandson."

"Let's drive over there," he said.

"Where?"

"The next village," he looked at her with a grin, "when was the last time you went there?"

"It was Michaelmas fair; was a Saturday. I was eight years old and it seemed like we had gone to the other side of the world not the other side of the forest."

"What year?"

"1674," she said matter of factly, "first time I'd ever eaten goose! I thought I was the Queen of England that day! Father carried me through the fair on his shoulders."

"Let's go there then!"

She froze, "I'm scared Stevie," she whispered, "I so want to travel with you but things are going so well and I'm terrified that the curse will catch up with me and... well, we lose each other."

"OK baby we can go another day," he kissed her and all was well again, until the next morning.

She woke to a small splash of blood between her thighs, which had run onto the bed sheets. She jumped up with a start.

"Stevie!" she gasped, "blood!" She gasped and Steve sat bolt upright, looking down between his lovers thighs.

There was a small amount of blood there and he recognized it.

"Ella honey," he said, "When was the last time you had a period?"

"During the rump parliament, only had a couple of dozen of them, why?"

"Did it feel like this?" He put a hand on her warm belly.

"How the fuck am I supposed to remember, rather a lot has happened in the meantime." She was staring down between her thighs.

"In my humble opinion, since we started making love your body has decided it's about time you suffered like us mortals. After all now you've suffered a common cold it's about time you suffered the other curse that all women get, you've come on!"

He walked to the local shop and bought a pack of absorbent pads, he figured that they would be easier to explain than tampons to a woman that hadn't had a period since the restoration. 300 years was rather a long break.

To celebrate this momentous news he insisted that they went to the pub for Saturday lunch seeing as the Young Farmers were playing an away match to another village team, and Ella seemed restless. "What's up baby?"

"I'm waiting for the men to start either growling or hitting on me." She said sipping her usual half pint of Poachers. So did Steve but wouldn't admit it.

"This is normal life Baby," he said, "Don't knock it."

Dorothy the pub landlady came over with their meals and placed them down, Ella's first and they both noticed the genuine smile from the older lady, not the usual glare that Ella normally had along with an almost thrown down plate like she'd had before from the older blonde, just for daring to be attractive in her pub. "There you go lovelies!" she said, giving both of them a very knowing 'I know what you're doing' smile.

"Thank you Dorothy!" said Steve.

"You're most welcome Steve, pleased to see you two in here," she grinned at them both, "Still I suppose you have other things to be doing on these chilly nights!?"

Ella looked up at the totally transformed landlady and giggled with a hint of embarrassment, "Me and Uncle Dan are right pleased for you darlin'," she whispered to Ella and leaned down to give her a hug and kiss her cheek, standing for a moment with her hand on the shoulder of her 'niece'.

Ella pressed a hand on hers and blew a kiss, and the landlady ambled back to her bar and the empty glasses ready for refill. "That's the first time she's every touched me." Said Ella touching her cheek where the kiss had been.

Steve looked across to his beautiful girlfriend and shrugged his shoulders, Ella smiled.

Other than the occasional look from the occasional man at the beautiful woman with the dark hair, the attentions of besotted men seemed to stop that day. She was still pleased that Steve was besotted with her though.

They were still sat in the pub when the Land Rovers and cars came back from the match and the team celebrated a draw in their usual style, and the bonhomie was as it normally was but with Ella being included. After the meal they walked back across the square hand in hand, acknowledging the occasional greeting from other villagers.

And that was the way it continued. Sometimes they stayed at Vine Cottage and sometimes at his place, but they slept together each night.

Ella had finally discovered sex and was very impressed. She could just look at Steve and he would know she wanted to make love and he would begin, stroking her still lustrous hair and her skin, suckling on her fantastic breasts before feasting on her tight pussy bringing her to orgasm after perfect orgasm. She would then roll onto her hands and knees presenting her perfect arse to him, still her all time favourite position to 'get fucked'; she still loved it when he slid across her for missionary sex, but when it was two horny people getting it on she wanted doggie, every time.

As they approached their first Christmas together, she realised that after only a few periods they had stopped. She didn't tell Steve as she thought he would just worry. She hadn't had periods for 300 years and the two she'd had would be enough for her a no mistake. Right now she would enjoy whatever time she had with Steve to the fullest extent.

He apologised to his parents that he wasn't going to be able to come and stay for Christmas but did invite them to his village and they stayed at his place while he slept at Vine Cottage -- with Ella.

His parents loved Ella and she them and they had a great time, enjoying New Years Eve at the pub.

"You must come and stay with us!" said his Mum. Ella smiled, it was still her one big fear, trying to leave the village was just pushing her luck.

After a few months Steve noticed that she hadn't had a period, and asked about it. "Weeeeell," she sidled up to her lover and stroked his chest, "They just stopped Stevie, just as quickly as they had started."

Steve laughed, "Oh my lovely Ella, hadn't you considered the obvious?"

"Obvious what?"

"You could be pregnant Darling."

"Preg..." she gulped, "Pregnant? How?" she said with some indignation.

"Coming from a former midwife, I'm a little concerned that you aren't sure."

"But... but I can't get pregnant!"

He reached around her waist and pulled up her loose sweater, and stroked a hand across the small bulge at her midriff. "I beg to differ..."

She visited the doctor and she confirmed Steve's diagnosis, and Baby Pendall-Clements was due the following July. She walked across to the school, chatting nicely with the receptionist until Steve appeared from his office. They walked out into the street and she turned away from him briefly, "You were right Stevie."

"About what? I'm so rarely right about anything that I need confirmation."

She smiled, "I'm pregnant."

"Really? Oh Baby that's fantastic..." he saw her face, "what's up?"

She came close to him, "I'm scared Stevie," she said with a sniff. "I've delivered hundreds and I mean hundreds of babies in this village and now it's my turn," she shuddered and put a hand to the sides of her tiny swollen pregnancy, "Now it's my turn I'm fucking petrified."

"Why? It's just..."

"I know what it is, more than most, but before when I knew it was never an option and I would live forever it was just something to be sad about, but now..." she bit her bottom lip, "but this! Shit! I've got to be someone's Mummy and do all of those things that Mummies do, and... shit!"

He put his arm around her and beamed at her, "You're in shock honey," he said, "perfectly normal! We'll do fine Ella, both of us!"

"But... but..." she took a deep breath, "You can never leave me Stevie Clements, you know that?"

"And I never will, even if it takes another three hundred years."

Her pregnancy passed normally and come the big day, much as she struggled not to talk the room through her very swift labour including the show and crowning, or correct the midwife she was still very well informed. The professional hinted that many of her nervous new mum's were 'YouTube midwives', but Baby Samantha (named for her Mum's brother Sam who had looked after her until he was apprenticed to a cobbler in London) was born on her due date in their bedroom at Steve's place, and the nursery established in the spare room there because of the convenience and nearness to the village, the shop, the pub, and also her unspoken desire to put some distance between the perfection of her new baby and the memories of Vine Cottage.

Two weeks later the blissfully happy parents were being nagged by the health visitor to drive to the nearest town and register Baby Sam. "No problem," said Steve, "I'll take a drive over an..."

"And what if Ella wants to do it?" said the health visitor watching for signs of over protection and wanting Mum to get back into the world.

"Oh I don't mind..." said Ella.

"Well I do!" snapped the business like health visitor, "I want you out and about and buy a new pair of jeans to show off your great figure you've got back so quickly. Yes, a run into town and an expensive meal in a good restaurant will do you both the world of good. Tomorrow?"

"Eerr..." both new parents said.

"Yeah, tomorrow, Saturday will be murder with a pram." She leaned over the sleeping Baby Sam, "Trust me, you'll do fine!"

They both bathed their tiny baby and had an early night, and Steve drifted off quickly. He began to dream...

He was in the village, but his house wasn't there so he walked until he reached Vine cottage, there was no road sign to have an apostrophe or not, but there was the lady that had interviewed him, smoking a clay pipe and standing up from the laid and coppiced hedgerow she had been sat on.

"Ah'ternoon Cap'an Clements," she nodded, her accent as it had been the day she had interviewed him. She looked him up and down, "So glad I gave you the job." She drew strongly on her pipe, "you have to go into the village, The Squire is about to meet Miss Brewer from next door," she nodded towards a smaller more ramshackle cottage he'd never seen before.

"What's that to do with me?"

"Aw, you might just be able to stop som'at bad happenin'!" she said. She put her pipe back between her teeth and folded her arms in parenthesis.

He walked along the farm track and there was a man, the image of the bronze statue in the church stroking the cheek of a young girl in clothes much like the older lady's had been. The older man was obviously flirting with her, judging by her giggles.

Steve stepped through a gap in the tall hedge and now unseen, was able to come level with the pair and listen. "...and there'll be another crown in it for you my dear, just the second they string up that evil harlot from Vine cottage."

"And will I 'ave all 'er clothes master?"

"Of course!" he chirped and stroked her cheek again, "And some more too!"

"But what about my immortal soul Squire," she said, "giving false testament is a mortal sin!"

"But she's a witch my dear, you'll be hastening the death of an evil one and that will surely see you into heaven on that alone!"

"Oh Squire!" she said, "I'll do that this very day!"

Steve burst through the hedge and emerged between them.

"I've heard everything you traitorous pair have plotted!" he said.

"How dare you sir!" said the Squire brandishing a stick and jabbing Steve's chest with it.

A chest that Steve saw was covered by a fine and elegant uniform in red cloth and silver buttons, a fine yellow sash and tall black riding boots.

"I am a gentlemen sir," said Steve his hand resting on the hilt of a sword he hadn't noticed before, "Captain Clements of the 28th of Foot and I would be failing in my duty unto the King if I allowed this travesty before the law and before God." The girl looked terrified, seeing the angry and armed army officer before her. "Go back to your parents girl, give Squire Holborrow back his coin and confess your sin to the priest and no more will be said." The girl all but threw the gold crown back at the fuming little man across from her, then ran.

"Why..." snarled Squire Holborrow.

"Draw your sword if you desire satisfaction sir," said Steve.

The little man raged, with pursed white bloodless lips flexing as he tried to work out if the thin rapier that hung fashionably from his hip could stand against the broad infantry officer's sword that, while lacking the glamour the Squire's had, carried enough wear and tear to suggest that the owner knew what he was doing with it. "One word against Mistress Pendall sir, and I'll demand satisfaction of you." Steve leant forward, "trust me you cowardly little arse."

The squire blanched, his bottom lip flapping, "You stand there!?" he snapped in a squeaking furious tone, "That traitorous protestant whore! That bitch that kicked me in the vitals?"

"Aye sir, fucking right I do..."

"I'll have her house and her land, Captain, no question! Colonel Gibson's wife is a friend of my wife's; I'll have you posted to the colonies sir, sent to the sub-continent to die of malaria," he gave an overexcited squeak in his enthusiasm at the possibility "and I won't give THAT-" He snapped his fingers, "-for your bullying threats!"

"Try Sir," said Steve, "I will be resigning my commission and taking a place locally, with a mind to becoming the school master."

"We have no school!" snapped the squire.

"You have no school YET..." said Steve. "I'm bored with this now, draw your sword fuckface, let's get this over..." he drew his sword and in doing so his would-be adversary was away on his high heels, running and stumbling with his dandy shoes putting him off balance. Steve laughed loudly and the squire turned in his flight, falling and landing flat on his face. Steve laughed even louder, seeing the ripped knees of the squire's trousers.

Steve leant back, then decided that he would follow this man just in case he decided to take his revenge on the first young woman. He walked in the direction of the woods, back towards Vine Cottage.

There was a horse, packed for travel with a bag strapped to the cruppers in the same red material as his jacket, and the horse seemed animated at his approach so he undid the reins from the fence and walked with it.

He took the path that was now the national trail and led to the white horse carved in the hill some mile or so away. As he walked he was approached by an older man, whose dress led Steve to guess he was a farmer. "Master, have you seen a young girl go by?" said the Farmer, troubled; "she was a'meeting the squire and while I trust her, I have no trust for that vagabond."

"In a blue dress?"

"Yes sir."

"I saw her running this way, a few moments ago..." from the distance they heard a scream and Steve and the man ran towards the noise and possibly his daughter in distress, the trotting horse between them.

They rounded a bend in the track and there was the blue dress, thrown over a stone wall above the buttocks of its wearer on display with flailing legs as another pair of buttocks appeared behind.

"Oii you!" screamed the farmer, and the other person appeared, his diminutive size and bloody knees telling Steve who it was before the Squire turned and showed his face, his erection sinking as he saw the two men approaching, and the screams from the girl increased with her imminent rescue. The squire raised shocked hands the moment there was a loud single crack that had Steve's ears ringing.

Steve saw the Squire clutch his chest, and the sudden flourish of red on the chest his white shirt. The Farmer was lowering a still smoking musket from his shoulder, evidently drawn from his side of the soldiers saddle.

The squire looked at the blood on his hand, spat some in surprise then slipped to his knees then his face.

"Bastard," said the Farmer running to his daughter, and taking hold of her bruised and bloodied face.

"Captain Clements sir!" shouted another soldier running towards him, "is everything alright? We heard a shot."

"Yes," said Steve seeing the younger and obviously junior officer running towards him with two ordinary soldiers, "This gentleman has just shot and killed this man that we found attempting to rape his daughter," Steve looked down on the scrawny body before them, genitals still exposed and the still crying maid with blood coming from her mouth and nose, and eye beginning to darken.