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How do you know when your heart has had enough torment to last a lifetime? How do you keep it from returning again and again to that place which haunts you most? There is an uncontrollable place in my soul that brings me to a place that I cannot easily resist. The strong pull is the beat of my heart that whispers his name even when I dare not speak it. Why do I continue to put my heart through this endless battering abuse?
My heart continues to scream out that he is the one for me ... that he is the one that completes that which aches within. It is my head, my protective nature that says to forget and erect those walls that he so easily shattered with one smile in my direction. It's not easy to turn your back on someone that has been such an important part of your life for a few years, even when both of us didn't realize the magnitude of that tie that binds. I want to shake him physically and make him see that he is blinded by his own insecurities, his own fears ... that I am the last thing that he should steer clear of. How can men be so foolish when it comes to matters of the heart?
My first reaction was so scattered ... I couldn't choose a particular emotion when he just shut me out; fear, anger, frustration, helplessness. They all had a hand in my misery that first twenty-four hours. Now the one emotion that reigns most high is anger ... anger that he would so easily be influenced by those that have no business in this relationship that was supposed to be just between he and I. But he allowed them to interfere ... he allowed them into that sacred place that I had built for just the two of us and it burns me deep within my soul. How could he be so careless with my heart? But yet, even still, I ache for him. Just the mention of his name or even when my mind helplessly surrenders to the whisperings of my heart and I can not help but think of him ... these things send me quivering to my knees in a quiet dark place where I cry out for him, when no one else can hear.
I see him enter a room and before I can control it, hope has swelled within me, quivering in helpless want that he might deem fit to look up me ... to say hello ... to call me to his feet. I am strong. I know that others are watching ... watching to see if I let go of that which keeps me from throwing myself at his mercy: absolute obedience and exquisite beauty. But my heart is broken; crying endless tears even amidst my fury and it weakens me so. I am weary of fighting the good fight, of putting up this strong front, of being that which I was trained to be when I just want to curl up into a ball and vanish into myself and the memories that keep me craving just one more word from his lips. I feel so lost. What have I done to deserve this torment? Why must I expose my slave heart only to have it trampled beneath trusted feet?
I hate him but god help me, I love him. I belong at his feet. Why does he let others interfere in that which I know to be right? I have no answers ... just these unrelenting questions that keep me awake at night, sleepless in my slavery. I don't understand it. I will never understand how a man can toss away the girl that was made to compliment him over silly matters that mean nothing! I am worth more than that! I deserve better than that and no one can convince me differently.
In time, I will, again, move on. But these memories, these broken promises will not fade. I have traveled this path before ... this thorny path that reaches out with twisted fingers to scratch at my torn and bleeding heart. But I continue my journey. I have no explanation for it. I simply lift my chin and keep going forward. There are times, like this, when I have to stop and weep from the bitterness of the pain that often follows those that tread this same path that I have found myself on. There are times when I am stopped for a while ... reflecting with bitter tears on that which has halted my unsure steps. But then I find the strength to continue, knowing that one day he will see.
I do not wish revenge. It is not within me. I cannot fathom ever putting someone through the heartache that he has driven in my direction with cold indifference. Perhaps I should hate him but sadly, I don't. I simply miss him as my journey takes me to another place.