All Comments on 'Apocalypse Wow, Pt. 01'

Let me know when you write ch 2

The plot of this story woks for me. What doesn't work for me is the portrayal of James manner of speech as that of a poorly educated individual with a chrincally limited vocabulary, like, you know, like. It is so aggravating that I almost switched to another new story.

This is a very HOT story. I love apocalyptic tales, and this is very well written...aside from the zombie tale. Takes something away from the reality you are trying to convey. However, 5 Stars!

Sorry, but the constant stumbling nature of the dialog with endless vagaries to make it more tense or meaningful makes reading the story more trouble than it's worth. It also makes it seem like Jim has a 3rd grade education and is exceeding dumb. You might consider a different style. It's like the endlessly swimming camera in Cloverfield. It's novel for a brief period of time, and then rapidly wares out its welcome.

For style, check out God of Mischief and Lies by FireFaery

https://www.literotica.com/s/god-of-mischief-and-lies

I have to agree with Anon from a year ago. The constant "You know? - So... - Anyway.. - I guess" etc... stumbling dialog made it such a chore to read that I have no desire to continue reading. A shame.

This is a compelling start to a story with potential. I love the post apocalypse genre and I’m really digging the connection between the MC and Simone. I’m also curious about Dani and what their world looks like now.

Now for the CONSTRUCTIVE critique. The way you chose to narrate the story is distracting. It feels clunky and kept me from getting into the story of “what happened at the beginning,” and was instead stuck in the room with the “present Jim and Dani.” It felt like I was sitting in a room listening to someone tell a story rather than being transported to the time and place of the story. It’s a great way to start a story… older and wiser character sits down to tell his story (very much like “Name of the Wind.” Which is a brilliant book.) but it needs to transition into a passive narration (I’m not sure if that’s the best way to describe it.) In other words, get me out of the room with Jim and Dani and put me in the farmhouse with Jim and Simone. Having said that, I can see some possible payoffs for choosing to write it the way you did. I just think it’ll be tough to pull off.

Anyways, great start. I can’t wait to keep reading.