Are You Fucking Serious?

Author's Note: Just a piece of fluff. Not to be taken seriously. I have been working on a lot of serious and depressing stories, so I wanted to lighten things up a bit. This was going to be another attempt at a 750-word story that ran amuck on me. (Approx. 5,000 words)

No one is killed or maimed. Well not seriously maimed, anyway. And, of course, no animals were hurt in the making of this story. At least no animals that weren't meant to be food in the first place.

Main Characters:

Andrew Smith: Age 44. Married to Audrey for 16 years.

Audrey Smith: Age 42. Married mother of two teenagers. Katie and Caleb.

Jake Wesson: Age 37. Married to Addie for 15 years.

Addie Wesson: Age 37. Married mother of two teenagers. Jess and Jessica

Story:

Our annual summer barbeque soiree was in full swing. There were probably over 50 soon-to-be-well-fed people in attendance. Everyone seemed to be having a great time. They were swimming, playing one or more of the many available lawn games, dancing to the piped-in music on the makeshift dance floor, or crowding around the bar. The whirring of margarita blender with its constantly changing speeds as the bartender tried hopelessly, to keep up with demand, filled the air. Some were simply having idle conversations to catch up with couples they hadn't seen in a while, as they sipped their favorite icy concoctions.

The young kids were all in the pool, including our two young teens. The older teenagers were preening for each other, or seductively lying around the pool in lounge chairs. The dads were staring at the bikini-clad teenage girls behind their sunglasses, having illicit thoughts about them. Some of the moms were sneaking peaks at the hard-bodied young men too. No one cared. To be honest I think all the wives kind of looked forward to the animals their husbands would be in bed that night after having stared at the young nubile ladies all afternoon.

Face it, after so many years of marriage, they didn't really care what got their husbands with their 'dad' bods excited, just as long as something did. I mean there was only so much they could get from their vibrators. Of course, all the couples had a 'look but don't touch' policy when it came down to it. Apparently, everyone but my wife.

How did I find out my loving wife was cheating on me? It all started several weeks ago when I suspected that something was wrong in my marriage. It was little things that raised my suspicions. But after seventeen years with someone, you can just sense when something was off. Of course, it was one really big thing that finally tipped me off. It was when I came home early one day in the middle of the afternoon and saw the two of them rutting on my bed like a couple of over acting porn stars. That's when I figured it out. Audrey was cheating on me.

I mentioned the little things, because pointing out that I didn't have a FUCKING CLUE, makes me seem even more stupid than I was. To my credit though, after I saw the big thing, I did recognize that there were a lot of little warning signs that I would look for in the future. That is if I ever got married again.

One of the little things was that Audrey started being nicer to me a couple of months ago. Our marriage had reached the point of familiarity where we had started sniping at each other some. You know, making sure to point out each other's little flaws. Like I frequently left the toilet seat up, and every time I did, she felt obligated to point it out to me. Even if she had to wake me up or chase me down while I was outside mowing the lawn.

For my part, I thought it important to point out that the dish pans she had supposedly washed still had bits of encrusted food on them in a few places, even if I had to wake her up to do so. You know it was just cute little things that all middle-aged married people do for each other to show their love.

Anyway, a couple of months or so ago, it was like somebody flipped a light switch, and she never criticized me for anything again. I logically thought I had become a better lover or husband all of a sudden, and that's what had caused her to change. In retrospect, it was pretty weird. For example, after I woke her up from a nap one Sunday afternoon to gently point out another dirty clean pan I got from the drying rack, she said. "I'm sorry Andrew, I can't believe I was that careless. I will strive to do better in the future." And she put her head back on her pillow and went back to sleep.

The thing I really should have picked up on though, was when she started encouraging me to go play golf with my friends all day long on the weekends. And, go drinking with my work buddies on weeknights. I mean really, what kind of wife does that?

Anyway, after that, I could do no wrong. Audrey wanted to have sex with me all the time. Well, like three to four times a week, instead of our usual Saturday night five-minute session of sexual nirvana. She wanted to experiment with stuff too. Like anal sex, which I had nicely requested that we try once many years ago. She answered by grabbing a butcher knife out of the kitchen drawer and menacingly waved it at my crotch. She never said a word, but I clearly understood her meaning. So, I let it go. Now here she was initiating it and seeming to like it! I remember thinking that the first time we did it, it should have been tighter, but whatever, it was new, so I obliviously continued.

Anyway, it was like I was a sex god or something. I was suddenly so much better at sex that she became very vocal. Audrey started screaming various profanities, she would say things like, 'fuck me good with that big boy, stud.' As far as I could tell my dick wasn't any bigger than it was the day we got married. But her favorite was, 'I'm cumming, Oh, God, I'm cumming, again! Fuck yeah, babe, do it to me again!'

Now Audrey was always very vocal during sex, but before her 'change' it was different. One time as I was going down on her, I thought I heard her starting to moan in ecstasy a little, but out of the blue, she says, "I think I want a baked potato for lunch tomorrow." After more than ten years of marriage and two kids, you take what you can get, so I kept going.

Another time, we were going at it hot and heavy in the missionary position. Now, when we did that, I always liked to hold her legs straight up in a wide V shape as I did my best imitation of a ripped male porn star hammering away at her, and I heard, "Darn, my legs are pale. I need to get some sun." I have a lot more examples I could share, but you get the point anyway.

Sorry, I got off track there for a bit. So, what did I do about the horrible scene before me? Well, I might be stupid, clueless, and fifteen pounds overweight, but I'm not a wimp. So, I did what any self-respecting husband would do under the circumstances. I sat on the floor and cried. I'm kidding. I didn't really. I said something reasonable and sensible, given the state of shock I was in. "Are you fucking serious? His wife is your best friend! Have you gone insane?"

In hindsight, I might have been better off if I had fallen to the floor and cried. At least I might have gained some sympathy points from Audrey. My comment, I think, only emboldened her. Really, what kind of husband, when he finds some asswipe, balls deep in his wife's vagina, his first comment is to point out that she's doing it with her best friend's husband? Thank you Captain Obvious. Seriously?

Maybe I should have screamed; I'll kill you motherfuckers! And gone after the both of them with my seven iron. I really own that seven. Or maybe, some other manly shit, but again in my defense, I was shocked by what I was witnessing.

Neither of them said a word, nor made any attempt to cover up. They both stared blankly at me for a few seconds. They may have been having trouble processing the absurdity of what I had just said, too. Finally, and very casually, they both crawled off the bed and began to dress quietly. They weren't in the least bit embarrassed by their nudity.

Audrey was the first to speak. "Jake, honey, I think you should go now. Andrew and I need to talk for a bit."

All the asshole said was, "Okay." He finished dressing and walked by me without so much as a how do you do. He casually ambled his way out of my house like he didn't have a problem in the world. I wanted to say something threatening and clever to his backside, but given my failure of a few minutes ago, I wisely decided against it.

Audrey began speaking patronizingly to me as if I were a small child. 'I'm sorry you saw that, sweetheart.' And, 'it doesn't mean anything. He's just a small diversion for me. It doesn't affect my love for you one bit. It will pass quickly.' Blah, blah, blah. All the while she was very casually putting her clothes back on. I couldn't tell if she was taking her sweet time to be sure I saw the pinkish-red bite marks all over her boobs, or if she was oblivious to their existence.

Audrey continued to speak slowly, and soothingly, to me as she began to strip the sheets off what used to be our bed. She began placing them in a laundry basket as if it was her normal wash day. Come to think of it, it was her regular wash day. Hmmm, Interesting. I could only stand there with my mouth wide open and my eyes blinking like a four-way stop-ahead indicator.

When Audrey had finished placing all the soiled bedding into the basket, she picked it up and sauntered past me toward the laundry room. "Come with me, dear. So, we can continue discussing our little issue."

And, unbelievably, I followed her just as she told me to, like a little lost puppy dog. She began to point out all the logistical reasons why divorce would be bad for the entire family, but especially me. Oddly, Audrey's demeanor wasn't threatening or demanding. She was matter-of-factly pointing out the practical impact on the family members of a divorce. Discretion on my part of course, would go a long way toward avoiding any unpleasantness, I think she referred to it.

Audrey began systematically loading the bedding into the washer. She added the needed tablets and liquids, then adjusted the settings, and started the wash cycle. "Now, there we go." She turned to me and brushed her hands briskly back and forth as if wiping them clean. "All better now. I'm so glad we understand each other." and ambled away after having given me a gentle pat on the shoulder. "Oops, time for me to pick up the kids," was her parting comment.

I stood there like a statue for the better part of ten minutes, or it could have been an hour. I had no idea. I've heard it said that when a person is in shock, they will do what they know. They will become like a Samsung POWERbot robot vacuum cleaner with a preset program and do their routine. And that is exactly what I did for the next couple of weeks.

Oh, I told myself I wasn't going to take her shit. I lay awake at night thinking of all the possible ways I could kill her and her lover without going to jail. I began to lay out very cunning surveillance plans to gather more evidence of her treasonous infidelity. Then I asked myself, What the fuck more evidence do I need? So, I focused my efforts on formulating detailed and complex plans to squirrel away money and disappear to a tropical paradise surrounded by nubile half-naked native women pandering to my every need and fantasy. But what I actually did, was...nothing. Well, almost nothing. I made sure I never came home from work early anymore.

When it was time to go to work. I did. When it was time for dinner, I ate it. I mowed the lawn every Saturday morning like always. When it was time for bed, I went to bed. Yes, in my bed next to my wife. Of course, I vowed to never have sex with the cheating bitch again. That promise to myself, lasted all of three nights.

Now here comes the really weird part. My wife never mentioned a word about her squeeze Jake again. It was like that awful afternoon was a mirage. Our lovemaking went from three to four times a week to five or six. It became more athletic and varied in nature. Her dinner meals became more exotic and delicious. She was more deferential to me than at any previous time in our marriage. Audrey was always a good mom, but she turned into a super mom. She was going, full on Stepford wife.

Oh, I'm sure she was still fucking Big Jake, as I had repeatedly heard her call him that fateful afternoon. I just never saw any evidence or even a hint that she was. I was becoming inured to her other life, as I'm sure was her strategy. My life, on the other hand, was never better. I have to admit, I had just about pushed her infidelity out of my mind entirely, happily sticking my head in the sand, so to speak. At least until the kids were eighteen. Then the bitch went and fucked up my ramshackle little house of cards and my make-believe fantasy world.

She invited her lover to our annual barbeque. MY ANNUAL BBQ!

So that brings us to, today. I still couldn't believe my wife actually had the gall to invite her lover, his wife, and children to our annual summer BBQ. But I finally had a real plan. It took money and time to put it together, but I was ready by D-day.

I was trying to stay inside and close by the front door because this shit was going to end today. I could tell that Audrey was getting nervous too. She rightly suspected that I was up to something because she kept watching me. I'm sure she was worried, and her lover boy was thirty minutes late. Finally, the doorbell rang.

I high stepped it to the door, beating Audrey by an eyelash, and flung it open. Sure enough, there stood the asshole, with a smirk on his face no one would mistake for anything but that. Before I could say a word, their two kids, Jess and Jessica, already in their swimmers, flew past us. They told their parents they were going to join our kids, Katie and Caleb, out back in the pool. They waved a quick hello to my wife and me, and they were gone.

While I stood there and stared at Jake's sanctimonious smirk, Audrey and Addie did their air kisses thing on both cheeks. "Oh, Audrey, thank you so much for inviting us again. We just love your parties."

I wondered briefly why the dickhead would want to screw my wife while he was married to this stone-cold fox. After a couple of drinks my wife was hair shy of a seven on the ten scale, but Addie was as close to a ten as any mother twice over, could ever get. I gave her a big hug. I probably held her too close, and too long, because she gave me a bemused and quizzical little look when I finally let go of her.

The asshole stuck his hand out wordlessly. He could barely contain his glee at the embarrassment and humiliation he was causing me. We were all still standing in the entryway when I reached into my pants pocket and pulled out a thumb drive and a roll of quarters. I handed Addie the thumb drive, then rolled the quarters up into my palm.

"Thank you, Andrew, but what is this?" She looked at it curiously.

"It's the explanation for why I'm going to do, this!"

I clenched my jaw tight because I knew this was going to hurt. I reared back, and with every ounce of energy I could generate, I hit Jake right in his condescending nose with my ten-dollar fist. I had to because Jake was younger, stronger, taller, fitter, and outweighed me by thirty pounds. Aren't a wife's lovers always like that? What would be the point if they weren't? I mean why would a woman choose a lover that was as old, soft, and pathetic as her husband?

In any case, I wanted to make sure he went down. And down he did go. Jake's nose exploded with blood, snot, and cartilage splattering everywhere. And quarters. Quarters went flying every which way. They made one hell of a racket too, as they scattered and bounced across the tile floor.

My hand didn't really blow up, but it felt like it. The searing pain was shooting all the way up to my shoulder, but I hadn't felt this good in my whole life. The debasement of the last few weeks was gone in an instant. I could feel the adrenalin rushing through my veins. I think I must have been feeling the survivor's high that soldiers talked about after a battle because they had the good luck to have lived through it.

I have no doubt that in a fair fight Jake would have probably killed me. But an asshole, fucking another man's wife, didn't deserve a fair fight. He earned what he got, and more. Hopefully, the 'and more' would be in the form of his wife divorcing his deceitful ass. She and her kids deserved better. Come to think of it, so did me and my kids.

Time seemed to pass in slow motion. Addie screamed disconsolately but was frozen in place with her beautiful dark brown eyes as big as saucers. Audrey fell to her knees to try and comfort her semi-conscious lover, and I noticed that a crowd was starting to gather. Word must have spread quickly because our living room was rapidly filling up with partiers. Some of them were dripping water on Audrey's new Berber carpeting because they had just jumped out of the pool to see what all the commotion was about.

"Andrew!" Addie screamed as she stared incredulously at me. "Have you lost your mind? Why on earth would you do that?" As she pointed to her squealing pig of a husband on the floor beside her. She was pleading with me to try and understand what had happened.

"Because, Addie, your shithead of a husband, has been screwing my wife for over six weeks now." There was a loud thud, and the Italian tile floor shook a little as my wife landed on it and fainted dead away. Ouch! That was going to leave a mark. Although shocked, steam was starting to come out of Addie's ears. I found it interesting that she didn't question the veracity of what I just told her. I would have to ask her about that someday.

"It's all on the thumb drive. There's photos, video, and audio." I continued as I pointed to the little green plastic stick, she still clutched in her hand.

It's a good thing we had a large living room because everyone, but the small kids, was crowding in to watch the show. Young kids are pretty much oblivious to everything but what their own worlds held. So, they just kept right on swimming and grab-assing.

Both Jake and Audrey started to come around. I was getting a little concerned because it didn't appear as if the flow of blood from his nose was slowing down at all. It could have just been that blood on a hard floor spread thinly and quickly, but it still seemed like a lot of blood to me.

My wife was sobbing. "How could you do this to me? I told you it was nothing, that it would end soon, and no one even knew about it."

"Because, dear wife, I just wanted you to feel a smidgen of the humiliation I have been feeling, and as for no one knowing?"

I turned to face our stunned and murmuring audience. I raised my arms to quiet the assembled crowd. "I'm really sorry for the commotion, folks. I pointed to the blood-covered floor where Jake and Audrey were. There's no reason to be alarmed. I would like everyone to go back outside and enjoy the party, but first I have a question for you?" I noticed Audrey stand back up slack jawed. "How many of you here knew, or at least suspected to the point that it became a topic of conversation, that my wife and Big Jake here, were having an affair?"

A few hands started to slowly rise as the suddenly shy partiers furtively peeked at one another. There is safety in numbers, so more and more hands began to rise as the guests became comfortable with the circumstance.

"I see. It seems over half of you were aware to some degree. Thank you for your assistance, now please let's all get back to the party. This is going to be our last one, so I really want you all to have a good time. The feeding trough will be full shortly."