Are You Fucking Serious?

That's the exact moment when Addie slugged a shocked Audrey right in her nose with pretty much the same results as my punch to Jake's. There was a collective sharp wince and an 'ooh' from the remaining throng, as she crumpled to the floor for a second time. Although in a sitting position on this occasion. Audrey was pinching her nose, with her head tilted back, desperately trying to stem the blood flowing from it, as she continued wailing.

Addie was leaning down trying to help her, in deep shit, husband, to his feet. She spoke with a controlled fury that was more than a little unnerving. "Listen to me, Jake. Get your ass up off the floor and take yourself to the emergency room. After that, I don't care where you go, as long as it isn't home. The kids and I are going to stay and enjoy the rest of the party. Besides, when my ex-best friend here stops crying and bleeding, she and I are going to have a little talk."

"B-b-but I need to go to. You broke my nose!"

"Nobody cares, Audrey! As big as your nose is, I probably made it look better on your fat face! Now come with me, so we can talk privately." She grabbed my wife by her hair and literally dragged her, caveman style, across the floor toward the back of the house. Audrey was flailing, screaming, and crying the whole way. I'm sure it took some strength for Addie to do that, but to be fair, the floor was pretty slick with blood and other stuff, sooo. I actually snickered a little when I saw a couple of quarters stuck to Audrey's face as she slid by. I know, I'm a terrible person.

Ok, that last snarky comment from Addie about Audrey's face was probably unfair. My wife's nose was, ahh...a bit prominent, but her face wasn't fat. I liked her nose. It was kind of like a Jennifer Grey beak. I always had a bit of a thing for Baby. I was pretty sure though, that after the punch she took, Audrey's schnozz was going to be permanently altered too. Too bad, so sad. That's her problem. Plus given the look on Addie's face, there might be more damage to come for Audrey before the night was done.

I had always liked Addie, but my admiration for her just went through the roof. Unlike me, when she was confronted with a shocking situation, she took care of her business like a boss. Her quick, decisive action, and proclamation seemed to have impressed everyone. So, the crowd started to disperse to the backyard for burgers and dogs. I even heard old Mrs. Johnson telling her husband as she led him back outside. "I told you this was going to be a great party, Jack. Let's go find us a margarita."

I was torn. To be honest, I was a little concerned for Audrey's safety in Addie's clutches, but someone had to man the grill. People were getting hungry. I decided on the grill as my priority. I did keep sneaking glances towards the house, but since I didn't hear any noises of breaking furniture, dishes, or howls of pain coming from inside, I soldiered on as the grill master.

Now, not to brag, but people always tell me I make the best burgers in town. One key is to use real wood chunks or briquets if need be but, never gas. Only DINKS (Dual Income No Kids) use gas. That's because if you use gas, a real kid won't eat whatever was cooked on it. Anyway, the other thing was my secret ingredient, marijuana. Ok, I'm just kidding about that. Actually, it's a special mix of various spices, three different kinds of grated cheeses, and Worcestershire sauce. The meat, of course, must be fresh, never frozen, ground top sirloin, 80-20.

Now normally, all the guys would come up to me while I was at my post working the grill. They were always trying to get me to divulge my mix of secret ingredients. I never gave it out, because then they wouldn't be secret ingredients, would they? But today, none of the guys approached me. NOT ONE OF THEM! Not even to just shoot the breeze. Hmmm, that made me start to think, why was that the case? Oh well, it doesn't matter now. I already had DNA done on my kids, so who cares?

Most of their wives though, at some point came up to me and offered their sympathies for my troubles. They asked if there was anything they could do to help, and those sorts of things that moms do. I think it is a genetic thing with them. Two of them made sure I had their cell phone numbers, just in case.

At some point, Addie, with Jess and Jessica in tow, stalked purposefully up to me. I have to be honest; I was a little afraid. I mean after the right cross, she nailed Audrey with, and the fact that, although I was just the messenger, I had seriously messed up her world? So, I took a couple of steps backward, just in case. I needn't have worried. She wrapped her arms around me and gave me a big hug. If I wasn't a man, I might have thought embrace was a little out of line for a barbeque. She squeezed me so hard I felt both her nipples on my chest.

When she finally let go of me, she said disgustedly. "We're sorry to eat and run, Andrew, but it appears as if my idiot husband can't even check himself into a hospital without me helping him." She was shaking her head with antipathy. "He better get used to doing things for himself."

It was at that point I remembered Audrey. I looked over Addie's shoulder to the house again. "Ahh, you didn't kill her did you, Addie?" I heard her kids give a little snicker at that question. I looked down at them. They were each holding a freshly washed quarter.

"No, Andrew. I didn't even touch her again. I just explained the facts of life to her, and what I was going to do next."

"Ahh, ok." I was definitely curious about what, 'what's next' meant, but decided to just let it go. The three of them hustled out of the yard to meet their Lyft driver. I wonder what Addie had said to my ex-wife? I'll have to make sure and ask her someday.

About twenty minutes later, just as I was finishing steel brushing the detritus off the grates, while everyone was still stuffing their faces, I saw my wife sheepishly approaching me. She didn't appear to have any obvious new physical injuries, but she did look a little like a raccoon with her two black eyes forming. Those would definitely be getting worse over the next few days, I contemplated. Her nose was already swollen to twice its normally conspicuous size. The blood-soaked pieces of toilet paper stuck up each nostril coupled with her makeup running down her cheeks didn't do anything to improve her appearance either.

"I've never been so humiliated in my life. She sniffled. "I'm sorry honey, but in my defense, I did tell you it wasn't a long-term thing. If I knew it was so upsetting to you, I would have quit. How could you embarrass me like that?" I started to get steamed, but she just kept going. "I mean this day couldn't get any worse..." she nasally whined at me, while she glanced around and saw everyone looking our way. They were probably hoping for more fireworks.

"Yes, it could." I knowingly interrupted as I continued to furiously scrape away at the grill.

"Are you Audrey Smith?" Said the slightly cherubic twenty-something young lady who had stealthily approached us, queried of my wife.

"Y-y-yes."

"You've been served." And she handed Audrey the ubiquitous 8 1/2"x 11" manila-colored envelope.

There was another thud as Audrey hit the ground again. Fortunately, this time she was on the grass when she collapsed. I'm pretty sure I heard someone exclaim, "Stiiirike Three!" It might have been me?

"Thanks for the burgers, Mr. Smith." And the cute chubby little process server skipped happily out the gate.

I felt like I was king of the world, standing there holding my Brookstone spatula in hand, my chef's hat tilted to the correct angle, and wearing my grease-stained Los Angeles Dodgers free give-away grill smock. I stuck my chest out proudly as I majestically surveyed my kingdom. A man's man. Hell yeah!