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by Paris Waterman
- 2 Comments
H.H.Morantover 14 years ago</style>
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<p class=MsoNormal>One criticism I have is the shifting from past to present
and back again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I realize this is
sometimes done to make the story seem more immediate, but (1) I don't think it
is necessary in a very short story which covers only a few minutes (with a
flashback to a time shortly earlier in the same evening) (2) the timing of the
tense shift seemed more random than calculated<o:p></o:p></p>
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<p class=MsoNormal>I would leave out the concluding paragraphs<o:p></o:p></p>
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<p class=MsoNormal><i>Then, as he'd begun, he took her face in both hands and
kissed her, it was a long, gentle kiss that would not only end that night, but
also serve as a prelude to many more nights of enchantment that lay ahead.<o:p></o:p></i></p>
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<p class=MsoNormal><i>***<o:p></o:p></i></p>
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<p class=MsoNormal><i>"I knew I'd have her from the moment I held her
hand," he told himself as he swaggered toward to his car.<o:p></o:p></i></p>
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<p class=MsoNormal><i>"My plan to seduce him worked like a charm,"
she lied to herself, as she put the car in gear and drove away, watching for
his headlights to turn on.<o:p></o:p></i></p>
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<p class=MsoNormal>The first of these because it is not necessary that every
story – and certainly not this one – ends with “And they all lived
happily ever after.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>You went far
enough by having them make a date for the following evening.<o:p></o:p></p>
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<p class=MsoNormal>The second – what does it accomplish?<span
style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Of course he is saying that to himself.<o:p></o:p></p>
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<p class=MsoNormal>The third – if she says it she would be lying, but she
wouldn’t use a stilted phrase like <i>"My plan to seduce him worked like a
charm"</i><span style='font-style:normal'><o:p></o:p></span></p>
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Anonymousabout 13 years agostory. A bit different than the usual bump-a-dump sex. Top marks!
Paris Waterman@Paris Waterman
