All Comments on 'Ashley's Initiation at the Pool'

Sometimes the use of present tense can give urgency to a story. In this case it makes it sound like a "you can read it yourself" book for 9-year-olds. Only actions should be in the present tense. Talking about her long-term hopes and wishes in the present tense is just wrong, unless she's literally sitting there hoping and wishing these things at the time. If you MUST write in the present tense then these things can be brought out in dialog (inner or outer) but it has to be in response to things that are happening at the present time. This is hard to do. There's a reason 99% of authors write in the past tense.

Keep her top on? You never explained it, and Kyle would certainly have wanted to do it.

Thanks for the feedback.

As for her top, good point. I guess the focus was on what she had to take off at that moment based on what was going to happen next.

If it helps imagine a 2nd edition where she takes her top off as well. Maybe I’ll make another version and put that in.

I stopped counting how many paragraphs started wirth "Ashley.......".

That repetition make the story jerk and you lose all sense of flow. That is why only two stars.

Every repetition of "Oh I can't believe I'm about to do this!" made me roll my eyes.

Once or twice would be fine but when it gets noticeable, and GENUINELY irritates a reader - there's an issue.