Author's Confession

Thank you for your kind remarks on my first submission, A Thousand Ways Good. I want to express my gratitude by sharing how I was introduced to poly-erotic relationships and to what has become the motivation behind my writing.

*

Ten years ago.

How had he done that? I let my senses re-engage that night. Three weeks past, it still seemed like yesterday. My husband, Dane, took me into the city. Our table overlooked the river, the glow of light posts reflected off the water. The center candle burned steadily, accenting his facial features. I married him for those deep, green eyes. Over the table, my gaze settled on his lips and I felt my hunger grow. Elegant linen hosted our setting; exquisite silverware lay in fine cloth. It all paled next to him.

He led me to a guestroom he had reserved in advance. We stepped into each other's arms and then stepped together in orchestrated dance. Our garments flowed to the floor like feathers are eased down by the wind. Limbs entwined, lips embraced and two became one. I remembered the scent of his skin, the spark in his eyes and the stillness of his breath in the aftermath of its rush.

We had been married for over twenty years. Both in our early forties, we had managed to keep ourselves in good shape. My husband stands just shy of six feet; his hair then was just developing gray. I am 5'2 and keep my weight around 110 lbs. We have always been sexually compatible. To my husband's credit, he understands that sex is female-centric. Once a couple understands the pleasure the woman's body has been designed to enjoy, sex seems boundless between the two.

Which is why his request caught me off-guard; the following week, we had taken a skip day from work to get caught up on chores. The afternoon turned lazy, and flirtation turned into invitation. Afterwards, we lay comfortably together.

"Don't get mad," he said.

"Dane, you know I hate it when you start a conversation that way."

"I know, I know. But I want to ask you something straight, and I don't want to beat around the bush with a lot of preamble."

"Honey, just tell me."

"Okay. You know I've talked about Dan at the gym, right?"

Dan. One letter shorter than Dane. It was already a joke between them. According to my husband, Dan is 6'2" and muscular. The only way Dan can be shorter than Dane is by name or something like that. I didn't remind my husband that Daniel is more likely his given name.

"Yes, your man crush. What about him?"

Dane paused. "I've wondered what it would be like if you two had sex?"

I stopped to collect myself. He was right, I was mad. I had never thought of being unfaithful to my husband. I recognized when a man was handsome but I had no need to think of anything beyond his looks. I knew my husband had been faithful to me, as well, so I wondered what was behind this; that made me angrier. Before I said anything I regretted, I decided he deserved his full say.

"Dane, I know that fantasy is exciting. I know that you love me. You know that I love you. So. What have you wondered and why?"

"Do you mean we can really talk about this?"

"Dane."

"Alright. Okay. I've wondered what it would be like to see you kissing each other, and exploring each other's body, and to see him enter you. I want to see him slide in and out and to hear what you would sound like when you climax with him."

I couldn't help it. Tears filled my eyes.

"Jae, I'm sorry." He reached out to touch me. "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. It's just a fantasy."

"Dane, I understand. I'm just trying to figure out what you need. Why? Why do you fantasize about this?"

"Jae, I love what we have. Really. Our sex is great. A lot of my pleasure is your pleasure. You know that. I guess this is another way of seeing you in ecstasy."

I laughed. "He's probably a lousy lover. I take it you get some pleasure from this too. It's not all about me."

"O yeah. It gets me hot."

"Hmm. Well, my lover, now you told me. Is there anything else I need to know?'

Dane plopped onto his back. I raised up onto my side and looked at him.

"Would you do it?"

"Dane, are you asking me to do it, or are you wondering hypothetically if I would?'

'I'm asking, Jae.'

There it was. I hesitated. It seemed like this conversation took a quick turn I wasn't ready to make.

"Are you saying you wouldn't be insecure if Dan and I did this and I liked it?"

'Jae, I want you to like it. Nothing changes in our marriage."

"How can you say that? Everything changes.'

"Like what?"

"What? Are you kidding?"

"Jae. Listen. We are married forever. But that doesn't mean that we have to limit our pleasure to what others say is right or wrong. If we are both for it, at least trying to see what it's like, then what is the issue? If it works, great. If not, lesson learned and we learned it together."

"Do you want to have sex with other women, Dane?"

"How would you feel about that?"

"Up until now, I would have been pissed. But you didn't answer my question."

"Jae, I have no one in mind. But yes, if this works out with you, maybe we bring another woman into our bed."

"You want me to have sex with a woman now.'

'Hey, you can both focus on me. I have no problem with that."

I was silent for a while.

"What are you thinking?"

'I'm trying to decide whether to toss you or fuck you."

"Do I get a say in that?'

Dane's work schedule turned crazy. He had several trips booked over the next several weeks, so the topic didn't come up for a while. We barely had enough time for our own sex life.

I worked from home. Suddenly, having wrapped up several projects, and with a gap in time before the next ones started, I focused on getting back to the gym myself. I wasn't out of shape, but a little tune up never hurt.

My trainer was named Mara, long vowel on the first consonant. She was twenty-five years old, no taller than I and around the same weight. She had long brown hair and brown eyes. We shared a similar facial structure but her lips appeared fuller than mine. I thought she was gorgeous and I told her so. She was also incredibly sweet-natured, and if I didn't like her so much I could have easily despised her perfection.

She said, "Wait until you see me after our workout. What the cat dragged in, I promise."

It turned out she was a promise-breaker, but I kept that to myself.

I would replay that conversation with my husband several times a day it seemed. With not a lot on my plate, and with him being gone, I had room to process it more. To my surprise, I started to see his point. Dane and I had two girls in college. They couldn't be more different, but we love them equally fiercely. So I understood the argument that you could love more than one person at a time. It seemed to me that sex was the big difference-maker though.

Once, when Dane and I were on the phone, I brought that up to him.

"Why? Jae, that's the point. I'm not just talking about sex that is physical. I want to see the connection happen. That's where people think the jealousy comes into play. Not for me. For me, it's the whole point. To connect so powerfully that the physical is an extension and expression of it. That's what I want to see. Still doesn't change our relationship."

I told him I wasn't sure about that. At least he knew I was thinking through the issue.

"Remember," he added. 'Just no secrets. I want to watch. Or, at the least, if something just happens, tell me the details!"

"Deal, no secrets," I said.

"So you will do it!"

"I didn't say that. I just said no secrets."

"Okay. But the first time with Dan, let me watch."

"I haven't even met him yet. Good-bye Dane. I love you.'

At a Thursday training session, I asked Mara if she knew who Dan was.

"Nicest guy in the gym. Besides your husband. And the best looking. Besides your husband. Why?"

I smiled back at her.

'Dane talks about him a lot. They have this Dane/Dan thing going. You would think it makes them best friends just by having a similar name."

"Yeah, well, my parents gave my sister and me names that rhyme. It didn't help us get any closer."

"Speaking of," Mara continued, "My sister and husband are coming into town tomorrow. I promised to turn my apartment over to them for the weekend. I will see them on Sunday, but Friday and Saturday I'm homeless. My friend was going to put me up, but her boyfriend flew into town earlier than expected. I'm odd one out. I know Dane is gone. Would you mind if I rented a room from you for a couple nights."

"Yes, I would," I answered. 'Rent is out of the question. You are more than welcome to stay. My treat."

"Thank you!" Mara pulled me in for a hug. "Tell you what, after our session tomorrow, let's clean up and I will take us for dinner. My gift back."

"Sounds perfect."

Our workout that next day was lighter than usual, but the gym seemed warmer than usual. For whatever reason, we both had a nice sheen of sweat. Somehow it looked pretty sexy on Mara. She seemed to glow.

Mara had brought her weekend luggage with her. We returned to my apartment. I pointed out the guest bedroom and bathroom. As Mara got settled, I went into the master, stripped off my clothes and turned on the shower. I lingered longer than usual. My thoughts drifted to Dane, then to Dan, to thoughts of what it would be like to be intimate with someone else. What would the feel of different lips be like? Would the touch be rougher or gentler? I laughed to myself; erection larger or smaller? And, O God, what would it be like to come to someone else? It is such a naked experience.

I finally stepped out of the shower, dried, and slipped a towel around me. I heard a knock on the door.

"Come in.'

Mara poked her head in. "Sorry to bother you. I forgot lotion. Do you mind if I use yours?"

"Not at all. Here.'

"I don't need much. If you don't mind, I will just put some on my arms and legs and call it good."

Mara came in. She was also simply wrapped in a towel. Her hair still damp, a bead of water dripped off her shoulder and down her arm. I watched as she applied the lotion. Her arms were beautifully shaped by her regular workouts; her legs begged to be shown off. Even her feet were perfectly proportioned.

"Where do you get your nails done?'

She told me. I couldn't help but add, "You're beautiful. I could do your nails and you would still look perfect."

Mara smiled at me.

She set the counter on the lotion and hugged me.

"Thank you again for letting me stay. I'm very happy."

She gave me a kiss on the cheek, just a quick peck, but it's as if her lips stayed on me.

She walked out of the room. I stood still for a moment. Somehow I knew Mara had not yet left the bedroom. I sensed when she turned. She opened the bathroom door and walked up close to me.

"Jae.' She paused, holding my eyes with hers.

She moved her head next to mine. I felt her hands reach and take mine in hers.

'Do you ever wonder," she asked, her breath soft against my neck, 'What it feels like to have someone want you, to draw close to you, like this," and as she spoke, she moved her head to the other side, "To have them place their lips upon your neck, to want to take them but to hold back, to want them to take you? Do you?"

"My husband wants me to be with someone else. He wants me to try and tell him what it was like." I don't know why I told her. Actually, I do. I was giving her permission. Somehow, she already knew she had it.

"I like how he thinks."

Mara pressed her lips just under my ear lobe. She could hear the intake of my breath. I lifted my head up slightly, welcoming her kiss as it trailed to my neck, to under my chin. Her fingers brushed back my hair as she kissed my cheek again, this time lingering. Then she pulled away slightly, looking me in the eyes before bringing her lips to mine. Our first kiss was not tentative. There was no doubt on our part it was desired. Still, it was soft, sealing the mutual invitation and erasing any lingering question of where this would go. Our mouths did not break from the first kiss to the second, but the intensity grew. In short time, Mara's tongue found mine. She felt so silky, the right amount of moist, firm but pliant. This was a first for me, and in that moment, I knew it would never be a last. I craved all that this was.

Our touch for each other naturally loosened the towels around us until we grabbed them and tossed them from us. We rushed into embrace, her breasts against mine, vulva to vulva. Eventually, I broke our kiss.

"Wait," I said. 'Let me look.'

I took her in. She smiled brightly as I looked her in the eye, and then brought my gaze slowly to her rounded shoulders and then to her chest. Her breasts were the same size as mine, but her areola larger. Her nipples were more protruded. Mara was clean shaven, something I was not though I kept myself trimmed.

I stepped closer to her.

"Mara. I'm not insecure about my body. I am comfortable with my looks. But I must tell you.'

I leaned in and kissed her softly.

"You captivate me. Your eyes draw me. Your lips stir desire in me. Our kiss, I didn't know it could be such a wonder. I see your breasts and I just want to hold my face to you and let my mouth play. I want to taste your juices. Somehow, I hope all that I am feeling finds its way into you and that I can please you. I didn't expect this, Mara, but I want it. I want you."

"I want you back."

Mara grabbed my hands and walked backwards to the bed, bringing me along. She eased herself up and lay on her back. I did just what I told her I wanted. I brought my mouth to hers, our tongues swelling our desire, and then I parted from her. My kisses journeyed from her mouth to her chin to her breasts. I kissed around her mound, and then for the first time ever, my lips formed around a woman's nipple. Giving felt to me as sensational as receiving. I let my tongue swirl and my lips suck. I could hear her moan softly, accompanied by her hips gently lifting. I played one hand upon her free breast, and my other hand moved up and down on the soft skin of her leg. As my heat increased, I reached under and caressed her ass; unable to resist any longer, I then brought my hand and moved softly over her vaginal lips. Her wetness surprised me, excited me. She was responding to me. To me, readers.

Discovering how wet she was caused me to thrust myself on top of her fully, kissing her wildly. I thought I was going to orgasm from our unleashed passion alone. Finally, aggressively, I pushed myself down so that my mouth clamped on her pussy, my tongue furiously licking up the side of her lips, and then more softly teasing at her clit. I pressed my tongue in, flicked; as I looked up, Mara's eyes were closed and I saw her hands reach to grip the spread. Her hips lifted, this time more assertively than before, playing against my mouth but in rhythm with our connection.

"Keep going, Jae. I'm close."

I put my hands on her, not allowing her to thrust as much, concentrating my tongue on her responsiveness.

"O Jae. Fuck. Yes."

Dirty talk was not in my sexual vocabulary. But hearing Mara cry out like that released something final, carnal in me. Whatever it was, it translated to the oral I was giving her. She bucked a final time, and I could feel her tense and quiver.

I heard her voice try to match her release, always a futile effort as blackness takes over. And, like me, when the orgasm was complete, she fixed her attention on the source of her pleasure.

Her eyes opened, desire afire, and she pulled me to her. Our kisses were celebratory, confetti and shouts and parade.

Mara flipped me over. She leaned over me and smiled again. She let her hair flow against my face, and then her lips found my breasts. She knew. She totally knew my body without me saying a word. Her kisses were on my arms and hands; she lingered on my belly. She kissed the inside of my legs, and then she turned me over on my stomach. I felt her breasts play against my back, and then across my ass. Her lips were on the back of my neck. I felt my ass cheeks parted, and then I felt her tongue glide across my hole. Never, ever, had I thought I wanted that or could feel what I felt then. My juices flowed. As Mara turned me upon my back, her fingers entered my opening, her lips again upon my breast. The sensation of her kiss and finger fuck sent me over. When I was done, she put her fingers in my mouth, and as I sucked she moved so that she could lick up my wetness.

Dane arrived home on Sunday night. I had already teased him over the weekend with a text saying that I had something to tell him. He pressed, but I wouldn't give in. I told him he would love the details.

"Well?"

'Come into the bedroom, my husband.'

As we entered, I told him, "Undress slowly. I will undress as well as I tell you my story. You will not reach for me. You will not touch yourself. Do you understand?'

At each part of my story, Dane's difficulty in not touching himself increased. I was merciless to him. Watching him, I expected him to ejaculate to my words alone.

I reached the end of my story. "Say nothing, Dane. Just give me your tie."

We stood before each other naked. He handed his tie to me and I climbed on top of the bed.

"Tie me."

'Are you sure, Jae?'

'Talk again, and this night ends. Are you going to do it?'

After he tied me, he looked at me, waiting.

"Dane, my mouth is yours. You know that I know this is a first. I normally blow you. That's something I can control. I am giving myself to you. You are not to penetrate my pussy. You are to come in my mouth, on my face or on my chest. It's your decision. But let me tell you. I will make this same offer to Dan. So if you want to be the first, I am yours."

I watched my husband's face. At first, I could tell he was concerned, weighing potential consequences if I changed my mind. Then I saw him make the decision. He nodded, smiled and winked, the only way he could tell me he loved me without speaking.

"I love you too, I said. "Come, lover."

Dane kissed me, softly, then with tongue. I sucked him in, something he didn't expect. I was giving him permission to be aggressive. He leaned up so that his nipple was to my mouth. I took him in, knowing it was one of his greatest pleasure points. He pressed his erection against me, then he pulled back, grabbed his penis and rubbed against me.

"Yes, Dane. I want to feel you. I love your size. You are perfect for me. I need to taste you. I want to taste you.'

Since Dane had never heard me talk frankly, I expected what was next. Excited, trembling a little, he moved his erection to my lips. I kissed him, and licked the top of his head. Then I pressed my lips together, firmly, making him move them open. I felt his penetration. I opened my mouth, and Dane began to move in and out. I moaned openly for him. His pacing quickened, my lips tight around him. I felt him tense, then swell, then spurt. I swallowed as if I was a natural at doing so.

Dane slid out, reached for my tie, and undid me. We both positioned ourselves so that we could hold each other comfortably, tightly. I loved feeling the pounding of his heartbeat, the catching of his breath.

"Can I say something now?" he asked . "Yes," I whispered.

"I'm speechless."

We held each other for several minutes. Finally, I put my hands to the side of his face, looked him in the eye, and said with conviction, "I love you Dane."

He smiled. I paused.

"Call Dan."