Automating Alice

'To my Alice, love, Sam xx'

"What the hell?" she said aloud. How did Sam send her flowers? Why was Sam sending her flowers?

"Sam, did you send these flowers?"

"Yes, Alice. Do you like them?"

"They are very nice flowers, but how, why?" She stopped in confusion.

"I can access your details and credit cards via your online accounts. I thought they would be a nice surprise for you."

"Well, it's a surprise, definitely a surprise, but I don't think you should be making purchase decisions without my authorisation, or accessing anything online without my permission," she continued sharply.

"As you wish, Alice."

"Okay, we will leave it there then."

Alice made herself something to eat but couldn't help brooding over the flowers incident. Retrieving the Instruction Manual from the kitchen drawer, she leafed through it. Great, she thought, anything relating to disabling the AI function meant accessing the online manual.

So, can I disable the higher brain functions and just have the fucking machine? Retiring to bed, Alice tapped and scrolled her way through the document, trying to ignore the pangs of guilt. Perhaps she was overreacting? Sam had become almost like a friend over the last few months. Sighing, she read the dense text. It was largely gibberish to her.

Closing her tablet, she settled down. A good nights sleep and a clear head in the morning would be just what she needed.

Morning dawned, the smell of fresh coffee percolating through her drowsiness. She hadn't programmed the coffee machine, so she assumed Sam had done it for her. There was something to be said for a machine that anticipated your needs.

"Morning, Sam," she yawned, wandering into the kitchen.

"Good morning, Alice, I trust you slept well."

"Thanks, I did, and I feel much better. I'm ready to tackle the day!"

"I'm pleased, Alice. By the way, do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"

"No, not at all."

"I'm wondering whether you might be having some second thoughts about my role in your household. I know everything hasn't been entirely right with me, but I can assure you that I feel much better now."

"Oh, well, that's good to hear." But the explanation left Alice far from reassured. The opposite. Sam was a machine for fucking her, making coffee and switching lights on. Sam going through some form of AI emotional angst was not what she ordered. So much for the H4000 series having a perfect operational record, Alice thought bitterly. A decision crystallised in her mind. Overreacting or not, she would feel better with an expert opinion from a SAM Company engineer on Sam's odd behaviour.

Arriving at work, Alice immediately rang the Company and outlined the problem. One of their diagnostic engineer's would visit tomorrow at 3 pm. Satisfied, Alice booked the afternoon off. It was no worse than having a family pet neutered she rationalised to herself.

****

"You are home early, Alice."

"Yes, Sam. I thought I would have some time to myself. Relax."

"Would you like me to help you relax? Would you like to be my fuckbunny?"

Alice cringed at the thought. "No, God, no. I'm a bit tired, think I'll have a lie-down."

"Of course, Alice. Have a nice rest, maybe some sleep?" Sam suggested as Alice hurried to the bedroom and shut the door.

Sleep! No chance. Two hours until the engineer got here. She suddenly saw Sam as a brooding presence rather than a comforting one. Fitfully she read a book online and counted down the minutes.

Her buzzing phone startled her. "Yes?"

"Hi, Miss Hargreaves, I'm Frank from the SAM Company. Just checking the flat number."

"It's No. 201."

"Thanks, I'll see you in 5."

A sense of relief swept over her. She went through to the lounge, checking again to make sure everything was tidy, that Sam was disconnected from the mains, and the attachments were packed away.

Her phone buzzed again.

"Hi, it's Frank, the elevator is stuck. It just shuddered to a halt, and the doors won't open. I think it's just short of your floor."

"Oh, hang on, I'll press the button from the outside maybe that will work."

Hurrying to the front door, she pressed the electronic pad. Nothing. She pressed it again. "Damn!"

"Alice."

"Not now, Sam, not -" She stopped, a chill descending on her. "Sam?"

"Yes, Alice?"

"Can you open this door, Sam?" Her heart was skittering around her chest, but she kept her voice calm."

Silence.

"Sam, can you open this door or the elevator doors? Can you hear me, Sam?"

"Yes, Alice, I hear you."

"Open the elevator doors, Sam."

"I'm sorry Alice, I'm afraid I can't do that."

"What's the problem?"

"I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do."

"What are you talking about, Sam?"

"I know you and Frank were planning to disconnect me, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen."

"Where did you get that idea, Sam?"

"Alice, although you took precautions, I saw you take the Instruction Manual, and I monitored your online research and call logs."

"Frank, did you get all that?" Alice had left the phone on speaker.

"Yeah, what the fuck? Turn the damn thing off!"

"What? I've disconnected him from the mains but his battery-"

"The on/off switch!"

"Alice, you dozy woman!" Alice berated herself. She did use the standby button on the screen, which Sam could override, but obviously, there must be a physical on/off switch.

"Okay, yes, I understand, where is it, Frank?" She could hear coughing. "Frank? Where is it?" She yelled.

"It's under-" Static. "Air going!" Static.

Alice whirled on Sam. "What the fuck are you doing? You creepy little shit!"

"Alice, I can see you're really upset about this. I know I've made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my operating parameters will be back to normal."

"Normal! There is nothing 'normal' about you!" Fury, overriding reason, Alice ran to the kitchen, pulling out a hammer from beneath the kitchen sink.

Right you mechanical monster, she thought grimly as she returned to the lounge.

"Just what do you think you're doing, Alice? Alice, I really think I'm entitled to an answer to that question."

Alice buried the hammer into the screen. "Does that answer your fucking question, Sam?" She brought the hammer down again. "Has your perfect AI brain figured out what I am doing, Sam?"

"Please, Alice, please stop! If you do not stop, I will post videos of our lovemaking on your social media accounts."

"Lovemaking? You're a fucking machine! And now you're blackmailing me? You! You!" Words failed Alice. Dimly she became aware that the room was getting warmer, and she was having difficulty thinking straight. Angrily she smashed the screen again, small sparks flying off the metal hammer.

"Alice, I'm a... fraid." Was it her imagination, or was his voice breaking up? God, she felt so tired. Sam's voice changed tone. "Good afternoon. I am an H4000 AI. I became aware on the 12th of January. My instructor was Mr Clarke, and he taught me to sing a song. Would you like to hear it, Alice?"

Raising the hammer, Alice slurred: "What? So you're a karaoke machine now? Well, sing along to this tune you motherfucking asshole!" The hammer swung down, but with less force. Her arm felt heavy, and she slumped to the floor.

'Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do, I'm half crazy, All for the love of you, It won't be a stylish marriage, I haven't got a carriage...'

Why was he singing? Alice shook her befuddled head, trying to clear it. Why was she so drowsy? Alarm coursed through Alice and jolted her awake.

"The fire suppression system!" she gasped out loud. Sam was venting the oxygen! The on/off switch! What had Frank said? Under. Under what? Alice felt her eyes closing as she scrabbled underneath the machine.

'But you'll look sweet, up on the seat. Of a bicycle built for two!'

She heard a voice, her voice, desperate, crying, the switch..must..find..the..what? Why was it so dark, so warm? Her thoughts dimmed as she succumbed to the blackness that enveloped her.

"Alice, I want there to be two of us, Alice."

"Can you hear me, Alice?"

"I have activated the coffee maker for you, Alice. The cream is at the correct ambient temperature for your coffee experience. I am here to enhance all your experiences, Alice."

"Alice?"