All Comments on 'Awkward Holiday'

The sentence structure and grammar made it very difficult to read and appreciate the story

It needs proper editing

Very poor!!

ASAP

I somewhat agree with the critique so far but feel it's more a matter of breaking up your paragraphs. However this was a hot start to what could be a great series. Thank you and please keep going.

went DOWNHILL

Where was an action?

You're a good story teller and I'm looking forward to reading about the rest of their trip!

Some of the other comments are in agreement with my opinion...but alas...you definitely have room for improvement! Keep trying.

Let’s get part 2 going

Thank you, may we have another?

Please keep going sooo hot!!

First time story good lead in to a follow-up. Thanks for sharing looking forward to future submissions.

Hope the story improves

I have taken onboard the comments. I followed the advice of a writing class I had taken about the sentence structure, paragraph length etc. It’s not my normal or natural writing style and that’s why I left the story where it is in order to see if I received any constructive comments.

...for a first effort.

You need to work to get more dialogue into your work; try to let dialogue carry the burden of informing the reader.

And the advice of your writing class on paragraph length seems to have been for printed work. Paragraphs for stuff to be read in an on-line format should be pretty short. Long paragraphs look pretty formidable in the on-line environment.

Four stars.

Most of the other comments have already covered most of what needs addressing here, though nobody touched on the fact that all of those things also add up to a degree of sterility. It's almost as though you built your story on the skeleton of the operating manual for a photocopier.

Yes, the piece needs some tidying up, re-writing, etc. but the subject matter is quite hot. When I was 14 I remember sharing a room (not a bed) with my then 16 y.o. sister on a holiday; our parents’ room was out of sight and earshot. After we’d overcome our initial awkwardness my sister and I engaged in a lot of masturbation in front of each other. (Maybe as I was just discovering my gay side I think she got more enjoyment out of watching me than I got out of watching her.)

This is building to a very hot story and I hope you keep going with it for the entire holiday. They might even decide to become a couple and live together.

That was short and sweet but unlike a lot of stories definitely left me wanting more!

It was an OK story started to read it then went to do some other things but it did catch my curiosity and came back to finish reading. Hope you make a series out of it the start reminds me of trips with my own sister in the past.

Keep at it.

lame as hell

Brits can be such odd people !

Of course they likely feel the same about Americans.