Babysitter, Nanny, Friend ...

I woke early the next morning and thought about that statement. I was going to miss the two of them and as long as I didn't do anything stupid in the next few months, it would be okay, but restraint was required because I desperately wanted to sleep next to her or kiss her for a couple of hours. If I could hold it together I'd be away and able to recover my common sense.

I loved our weekends. The two of us would often go shopping and take Oliver, who was well behaved and seemed to enjoy it. We'd try to head off somewhere for an outing on a Sunday: safari park, zoo, beach, the countryside or events that were happening locally. Eve gave me a day off each week and occasionally I'd take one if there was something I had to do. But mostly I spent those days with her and Oliver contentedly. I was looking forward to university, but I was enjoying the life that I was living.

Eve and I were close, very close, but never intimate. We shared secrets and thoughts. I was closer to her by the end of that year than I was to my mother, but she was more of a sister than a parent.

University

It took me a while to collect all of my belongings. Mum was taking me away the following day to a new life. I was sad to be leaving home, but I was also excited and now had plenty of money thanks to what I'd been able to save. As I said goodbye and hugged Eve she whispered, "You can come home you know and I'd love to see you, if you'd like."

The first few weeks were hectic, sorting out courses, discovering all the events and social aspects to university life. I was living in the halls of residence where half a dozen of us shared a small kitchen and sitting room. I had my own room and made sure that it was as homely as possible. One evening Natalie, another of the girls who I also shared several classes with, was waiting for me to put my shoes on and looked over at the two framed pictures on my bookshelf. "Who are these? I guess that's your Mum."

"Yeah, the one on the left is my Mum and that's Eve and her son Oliver."

"Is she an aunt?"

"No. I used to babysit for her, and then I helped after her husband died. When I broke my ankle and had to delay coming here she offered me a job as a nanny. Oliver's wonderful, so is Eve. My Mum says that I have a crush on her and she might be right, she's lovely."

"Do you fancy her? Are you gay?"

"I'm not gay, although I'm not sure that I'm straight either, I simply don't know yet. I suppose that I do fancy her a bit. She's beautiful and nice, but beyond my level and of course, she's ten years older than me. I confess that I've had the odd dream about her but that's all." It was a lie, a great big fat lie. I fancied her more than a bit and the only odd thing about the dreams was the fact that they were bloody dirty.

After a couple of months a guy from another course, Adrian, asked me out for a drink. He was a year older than me, tall, broad-shouldered, with a cheeky smile. He was a bit of a hunk and I was a bit surprised that he was showing interest in me. We went out several times, for drinks, dinner and movies. We did a lot of kissing, a few fumbles. He turned me on.

After a party in the Student Union one night he came back to my room and after some passionate kissing we ended up in bed. He was good, knew what he was doing and I enjoyed the intimate physical contact. I fell asleep that night with a smile on my face. Things were good the next morning, but as the day passed I thought about him and what we'd done. It was good, but it felt wrong, at least something wasn't right. I dismissed those thoughts and put them down to my inexperience.

We slept together a few times over the next few weeks and as much as I enjoyed the sex and intimacy it wasn't quite right, so I broke it off. He was really disappointed, especially when I couldn't explain what was wrong with me, but I felt okay about it.

I'd stayed in touch with Eve by email, the odd phone call and a periodic text, but I hadn't seen her since I'd left.

*****

It was great to see Mum and be back at home again. It was a bit strange, it'd been a while since I'd lived with her, over eighteen months by then. We started talking and catching up the minute I arrived, as we cooked, ate and then sat with a glass of wine. There wasn't much we hadn't covered, but I knew that something was coming.

"Isla, what about your love life? Are there any boys of interest?" I frowned and she looked a bit odd then followed up with, "Or girls?" She bit her lip.

"Girls? Where did you get that?"

"I don't know. I wondered, I don't care if you prefer girls, as long as you're happy."

"No Mum, no girls and there was a boy, but it's over. Can I be honest?" She nodded. "I'm not a virgin any longer. I was and he was the only one. It was the right time and it was okay, but ..."

"Isla, I love you more than anything in the world. I don't care who you sleep with or fall in love with as long as they're decent, treat you properly and you're safe. I will say this, don't be a slut, don't go with someone unless you really like them."

"Okay Mum, thanks. I love you and that's good advice. Thank you."

We were silent for a few minutes, I was shocked by what she'd said and then she followed up, "I've seen Eve a few times and she always asks after you. Oliver is getting bigger, he's so nice and he likes to hug."

"We've spoken a few times. I like her, but she's not my age and surely she must prefer friends who she has more in common with."

"I suspect that you're her closest friend and confidant. I feel sorry for her, it must be a struggle trying to cope with a tragic loss, with a youngster, the business and being so young."

"She's ten years older than me Mum."

"In actual years maybe, but in reality, I think that you're much closer than that."

I liked Eve a great deal and had some deep feelings for her, but being away from her had helped to keep most of those at bay.

The next day I spotted Eve in the supermarket and went over. Her face lit up when she saw me, "Isla, how lovely to see you, how are you?" We exchanged pleasantries and after we had our shopping adjourned to a coffee shop.

"Where's Oliver, how is he?"

"He's in child care and I need to fetch him in half an hour. He's great and I know that he'd love to see you again, he asks about you often."

I smiled, it was good to see her again.

"How are you? How's the university? This is stupid; would you come over tomorrow evening for dinner, see Oliver and we can have a good chat. I've missed you."

I went over early so that I'd have plenty of time with Oliver. I'd spent a lot of time with him for almost a year and I suppose it was natural that we'd be connected. I loved him, enjoyed being with him and I hoped that the time we'd had together would form some good foundations for his life. But I suspected that he would soon grow up and that my part in his life was largely over.

Eve talked about the business and was frustrated by lots of things. She hated not being able to spend more time with Oliver and had very little social life of her own.

"So tell me about university and all the people chasing after you looking for a date," I told her about my courses, the social scene and the other students.

"Anyone special?"

"One guy. He was nice, really good looking, tall broad, handsome."

"But ...?"

I felt that I could trust Eve. "He was good in bed, knew what he was doing but ..."

She waited but said nothing. "The first few times I was elated, don't get me wrong, he was a good lover and not selfish, but I was never able to get over the feeling that something was wrong, maybe something was missing. I certainly didn't love him and I had to end it. It wasn't fair to him either, so ... I think I'm going to wait for Oliver."

Eve chuckled. I loved to see that smile. "One day, honey. One day you'll find the person that makes you feel great, will take your breath away. And you'll know. I'd be elated if Oliver could find someone like you, but you'd have a long wait and in any case, he adores you already."

On my walk home the next day I realised that the feelings that I had for Eve were still there despite my having kept a lid on them. It was insane and she was right, one day I'd find that special someone.

*****

University had gone well and my first year was over. Mum came to collect me and after a lovely hug we set off. "I got good results in my exams and I love it, but it'll be good to spend some time with you. Dad wrote to me and has asked me to visit him again. What do you think?"

"He's your father and a good man. You should go if you want to; it'll be good for you. Have you spoken to Eve recently?"

"No, not for a few weeks." I'd been avoiding her I'm ashamed to say, I worried that my feelings for her would resurface.

"She told me that Oliver was asking for you and I think that she'd like you to work for her this summer if that would suit you."

I said nothing. I needed to find a job and that would be easy money, but would it be wise?

"You two get on so well together and you'd enjoy the work."

'Yes, but would I get stupid at some point, grab her around the waist and plant a kiss on her luscious lips?' I kept that thought to myself as a responded, "I'll give her a call."

*****

Visiting my Dad was great fun. I loved the sea, the beach, the sun and was a fabulous colour by the time that I got home.

Eve arrived home at the end of my first day looking after Oliver and went to check on him. I was emptying the dishwasher when she returned to the kitchen. "What happened here, did the cleaning fairies come in whilst I was away?"

"I thought that I'd do some housework, whilst Oliver was playing."

"And you went to the park, watched the buses and read to him. He told me and showed me some sums you've been doing. From the smell, it looks like you made me some chilli as well."

"We had a nice day, I've missed him."

"Isla, I've missed you too. Are you heading home?" I nodded.

"I've missed you and so has your Mum. I'd invite you to move in, but you need to spend time with her as well. Maybe we can have a couple of girly nights?"

"I'd like that."

She kissed my cheek as I left and it burned all the way home.

Summer passed quickly. Mum and I got quite close again. I loved taking care of Oliver and it paid me good money. The evenings that I'd spent with Eve were fun, sometimes magical, especially when we cuddled watching TV, but I behaved myself.

Back to University

A student from another course, a good looking young man with a tan and blond hair kept asking me out, and he was nice, so we had a couple of dates. One evening after a nice meal I stayed over at his place and we made love for the first time. I was shy to start with, but he seemed to know exactly which buttons to push and where they were located. By the time we fell asleep in each other's arms I was worn out, in a very good way.

That brought me out of my shell and over the next few months we saw a lot of each other, meals out, movies, gigs and lots of cuddling. The sex was incredible and I spent many nights with him. Then one day, all of a sudden, I realised that I didn't love him. I liked him, but it was going nowhere long term and it felt wrong, very wrong. I struggled to explain how I felt the way that I did and several of my friends thought that I was crazy. Maybe I was, but ending it was right for me.

*****

A few months later Natalie, who I still shared digs with, and I were in the pub singing karaoke. For me to be up there singing was a sure sign that I'd probably had too much to drink and I suspect Natalie was in the same boat.

We walked back to our digs, arm in arm. To our surprise, there was a bottle of wine in the fridge so we cracked it open and sat on the couch chatting. When Natalie came back from the loo I noticed she'd changed into a long T-shirt that she wore to bed and she flopped down beside me, quite close.

I looked at her and realised that I'd drunk too much because I felt an overwhelming desire to kiss her. I have no idea what she saw or what prompted her, but we both leaned forward and our lips met. I realised in that instant that kissing her, kissing a girl was way better than kissing a guy, gentle and sweet, but right somehow.

She grabbed one of my breasts and I was about to say something when I melted because I liked it. I didn't want to stop her, so I didn't say anything. I felt her one of her breasts; soft, full, warm and very erotic. "Isla, I want you, I don't think I'm gay, but I want you."

She kept kissing and touching, it felt good, very good, so I said nothing for several minutes.

"Nat, if we're going to do this we need to be sure it's not just the drink and if we are, then let's do it in bed." She took my hand.

I was surprised when I opened my eyes, firstly I didn't have a hangover, secondly, I wasn't in my room and someone's arms were wrapped around me. Natalie! It came back to me and I shuddered at what I'd done, what we'd done. It'd been wonderful, very satisfying and I didn't have any regrets, but I did wonder what would happen between us.

She looked sheepish when she woke up and started to recall the events that lead to us being in her bed. "Oh God, are you okay?"

I nodded and asked, "How do you feel?"

"No hangover."

"That's not what I meant."

She paused before answering, "What happened last night was a surprise, but I enjoyed what we did, I loved it. I don't want it to spoil our friendship and if we leave it there, as a night of fun and madness, that's okay. But ....."

"But?" I queried.

"I'd do it again, with you." She exhaled as if she'd been freed.

"Thank God for that. I really like you and what happened. Let's just take things one day at a time.

We didn't come out, we didn't flaunt our relationship, but the others who shared digs with us knew what was going on. Natalie and I shared a bed every night for three months. We weren't in love; neither of us expected this to be a lifetime thing and it ended amicably when we split at the end of the term. Sadly, Natalie didn't return to University the following year, her mother had been taken ill and she decided to stay at home and care for her. We spoke on the phone occasionally and a few years later she returned to finish her degree, but we never met again.

Summer

When I got home Mum and I talked and talked for hours, cooked together, went to the theatre and shopped. "I'd like to get away for a week, what about you?"

"Great idea Mum, what did you have in mind?"

"I don't know, beach or cities?"

A long conversation resulted in a few days in Berlin, then a train for a week in Paris. We toured Berlin investigating its traumatic history, the Wall, the division of the people and the problems that caused. We took selfies in front of the Brandenburg gate, ate breakfast in a restaurant on the roof of the Reichstag, enjoyed the lovely parks and friendly people.

We both loved Paris, the museums, the Eiffel Tower, gargoyles, nuns singing at Sacre Coeur, the crazy haute couture, a moonlight cruise on the Seine and some astonishing cuisine.

Spending time with Mum had been great, but now we were home and it was time to confront my feelings for Eve. We'd often spoken whilst I'd been at University and exchanged news via email, now it was time to visit.

The door opened two seconds after I pressed the bell and Oliver knocked me backwards as he grabbed me around the neck, "Isla, Isla, I've missed you."

"That was some welcome. I've missed you too, let me look at you." I stepped back and looked him over, still the same cheeky grin. "My, how you've grown, you're almost a man."

"Don't be silly Isla; come on Mum's excited to see you." She was in the kitchen and my heart skipped a beat or two when I saw her. She wore a pale blue dress that showed a lot of legs and a good bit of cleavage, heels, perfect make-up and that sexy short hair. It was obvious that she'd dressed up. Then she smiled at me and I felt weak at the knees. My crush was still there, still rampant, but still stupid.

"Oliver's missed you; he's been excited all day. I'm pleased to see you as well. Can I get a hug?" We hugged, it was wonderful. I stepped back and she looked me up and down.

"Nice dress, Paris I'd guess. You've grown up a bit and those legs are something else."

"Thanks, my legs have filled out, the scar's faded a bit and these have developed," I pointed to my bust, "and the dress is from Paris." It was navy blue, tailored and looked a million dollars.

We sat and chatted away as if we were equals, certainly not nanny and employer.

"Isla, will you read to me later?"

"Yes of course." I turned to Eve. "Is he in day-care?"

"Yes, he starts school in a few weeks. I'd ask you to look after him, but he's settled and has friends there."

"It's okay. I'd guessed that from what my Mum told me. I'm going to look for something for a couple of months, keep me out of trouble."

"A business friend of mine, that I spoke to yesterday, is looking for a receptionist for her office. The lady who does the job at the moment needs an operation and she'll be missing until September. It's a big office where they do accounting and business services. It would be a good experience."

I got a call asking me to go for an interview on Monday and started two days later. It wasn't complicated, except for leaning names and phone numbers, the people were nice and I got to see how a business runs close up. I got a few other administration jobs to do that kept me busy as I watched, learned and earned a few pounds.

I enjoyed Mum's company and had a girl's night with Eve every Friday. Each weekend I'd also spend a day with Oliver, going swimming, visiting parks, the zoo and anything else that took our fancy. I loved it and it confirmed that one day I wanted my own family.

I managed to keep my feelings for Eve to myself, but there was no doubt that I still felt a strong attraction to her. We got on well and she obviously liked me, but there was no sign that she felt anything other than friendship towards me. I was surprised that she didn't seem to have dated anyone, which was odd. She was a gorgeous woman and whilst not rich, she was clearly not short of money. All in all, she was a good catch for someone.

Final year

I was looking forward to my final year, disappointed that Natalie wasn't coming back and pleased that I hadn't let my feelings for Eve get out of control over the summer. I kept my head down and worked hard.

I got back after the New Year break; this was the home straight and then bang! I saw this woman in the Student Union bar. My height, slim, with great legs, a lovely face, nice smile and short dark hair. I watched her as she chatted with her friends. She had elegance to her movements.

The following week I saw her again and she saw me. We talked, I was mesmerised. Ann and I met again the following night and ended up in bed, it was good. A few days later we had sex again and as I closed my eyes in a moment of passion, to enjoy her touch, I had a sudden realisation that I'd thought that she was Eve. It made me feel awful, that I was using her and being unfair to Eve.

I escaped as soon as I thought I reasonably could, went home and cried for a long time. I'd been attracted to her because she looked like Eve and not really for any other reason.

A couple of nights later, I woke with a start. It was still dark. There was a moment of panic until I realised that I'd been dreaming. Yet again I found myself staring up into the darkness; it wasn't a dream really but a dawning realisation that, for the first time, cemented my feelings. I hadn't enjoyed sex with men that much and had felt uncomfortable afterwards. Once I'd let myself go, I realised that I liked girls, being with them, looking at them, touching them and having sex with them. It was better by far than with men. I was almost certainly gay and not unhappy about that. But still, something was missing.