Badger Redd 01

Badger Redd 01

I'm weird, so what?

I spent the year between my 18th birthday and my 19th birthday as a walking Rave Party, so what, because everyone remembers me for that colorful period of my life. Also, I bought several of the huge bags of rave glow stick jewelry accessories and it took a long time to wear them all.

And even though there is no such thing as an Iceland Rainbow style, I wear mine that way and all that matters is that I won't invade your personal space until I have a green light from you and you can whip off one the green glow sticks wristbands that I wear to signal your green light, if I'm someone that you like. I'm not for everyone and not just because I'm weird and I know that.

I have a job, which may or may not be my career and I have a hobby, which, ugh, is just a hobby due to the expense and my lack of having TV show financial support, but I've found a few artifacts in the past, so I'm technically an artifact hunter, LOL, a rave ready artifact hunter. And I'm not trying to over sell that since there are a lot of undeveloped areas around where I live and I'm sure that the weather down here lent itself favorably to the early, early settlers. I don't make a living at it, but I have a few nice finds in the museum system.

So, other than I may be pitching for any and all financial support, I look amazing (tee he, amazingly ridiculous) in the field and I like my bubble gum and one "pop" is normal, two "pops" in quick succession can mean anything from "You have my attention" to "please explain that further and three "pops" in quick succession might mean someone disrespected me or all the way around to "why did you give me a green light in the first place if now I'm just badgering you" and things like that.

Anyways [pop], I had this acquaintance, Mookie, who has since become my friend and as quietly and quickly as I can say this and say this only once, my original connection to Mookie was that my dad and her uncle were criminals together, I mean, friends together back when they were free men. Oh, and alive since my dad has passed and since Mookie's uncle thought that being a high-end target thief carried a lot weight in prison. It did not. And in defense of dad, um, he just performed certain clean up duties after the fact. The end, as quietly as I can say.

So, back to my normal level of speech, [pop] Mookie inherited her Uncle Tanner's house and in defense of absolutely nobody, OMG, her Uncle Tanner had zero interior decorating skills! Unless the décor of horrors is a thing. Nothing matched anything anywhere. And trust me, it was not a mash pot of previously owned stuff! But it was cool and weird how, OMG, there was an old truck bumper fastened to the living room wall as a thing to rest your elbow on as you sipped a cocktail and you know, not planned out the next job, tee he. Disclaimer, the next job being the next landscaping job because that's what Mr. Blends did for a living.

Oh, and those type of "shorts", right? The ones that are cut and cuffed up to here and then a little more, I own a pair and I can wear them without fear of anything popping out [pop], but I don't wear them outside. Anymore since I took a bunny punch about a year ago because some guys see one thing and overlook other things. I don't wear a sign that states I was born as a guy and then went the other way, but you'll know that before your traffic light turns neon glow green for me.

Oh, and I already said that I'm weird, so, once and only once, tee he did I roll up an ankle sock to show that I actually had, um, should have had a bulge down there. Once. That did not work.

But I do think that my Black Cherry Molten Red lip gloss works for me. I mean, are your lips black or just deep, dep, deep red, right? Which can only be said or asked if one's personal space has been violated since it's that hard to tell.

"Well, Badger Redd, I'm not sure where to start then because I want to start with how distracting those shorts are on you or with how you think I'm the owner of some Lycra blended fabric weirdo coffee cup. But we're starting with the spandex because if it's worth anything, I need it because I just found out that you have to pay for electricity while I thought it just magically appeared at my switches and wall plugs, so, this elastic cup better be worth at least $200 because I need my $200 of museum money."

"Mookie, [pop] shut it! It's not a spandex cup! It's a Lycurgus Cup from about the 4th century and there is only thought to be about 100 in existence in museums worldwide. And by the way, it is not and I can't repeat this enough, it's not a loose change cup!"

"Oh, then that sounds like museum money of maybe $300 because I just found out that you have to pay for water, even though it rains around here every three days, so, now, I need my $300 museum money! And since you're going to get me my money, I mean, fine, stop sliding your eyes sideways at Ethan and go say "hey" to him, but keep my spandex in mind because I need my $300! Wait, that sounds weird, so, well, LOL, you're weird, so, it all washes out, tee he."

Well [pop, pop], it's not that I had Mookie invite her co-worker, Ethan, into the mix for me. I had a plan and his auntie had something that my plan required, so, why would I speak directly with Mrs. Wilkerson when I can slide around the side and muddle things up with a third party like Ethan, right? It's how good plans work! And he has waved at me a couple of times lately, so, that's like a [pop, pop] glowing green light to enter his personal space.

"[Pop, pop, violating personal space means molding into] so, Ethan, I mean, I just wanted to talk to you in private because my plan involves the use of your aunt's river snack meal boat and I don't want things to get weird for you because I also want you on the boat as my equipment muscle, so?"

"Oh, well then, Badger Redd, I've never had sex on my aunt's river boat, so, count me in. Besides, can it be any weirder than you selling Mookie's old spandex to a museum, huh?"

I give up. Hi there, I'm Badger Redd and I sell old spandex online! LOL, not.

"Oh, Ethan, there's going to be at least ten people on the river boat in total, so, um, um, um, sex me up tonight!"

Which is nothing that should ever be said to a guy! But since I haven't lived under a rock all of my adult life, I mean, I look for arrowhead artifacts under rocks and um, well, I would have, except Mookie broke that up since we were meeting at her "décor of horrors" house. And I think I was supposed to say that I would sex him up, since going down means that, right? At least that's what I saw written on a rock once.

"Ahem, reel in it, you two, even though I slightly approve of this. But anyways, not to go all "Mookie" and stuff, but OMFG, step up the negotiations, Badger Redd because I just found out from the cable company that my TV doesn't come into my new place over the airwaves for free, even though the scientists keep saying that modern technology has filled our atmosphere with weird radio waves, which means, now I need my $400 from the museum!"

Well, for someone who didn't want to go all "Mookie" and stuff, right? That's Mookie!

"Fine, I know crying eyes when I see them, so, while the people are gathering, I mean, ugh, just take it into the dark and dingy Den room! And feel free to set fire to that damn poor excuse for a decorated Den room! Well, unless I have to pay for fire insurance too, which, damn it, now I just found out that I have to pay for that too, so, Badger Redd, this had better work out for me because now I need $500 from the museum!"

Oh, it was a dark and dingy Den room alright. And I can't even explain the small doors that lined the walls. Other than they were dark. And who lines walls with little doors anyways?

"Hi [pop]."

"Tee he, Badger Redd, you sure got Mookie all worked up with your crazy plan."

[He said "worked up" which is a clear, I mean, a green light signal, so the personal space was breached even more]

"[Pop, pop] tee he, your auntie caught us slipping away, Ethan, so?"

"Badger Redd, are your painted lips dark red or black?"

Well, you see, folks, one of the unique features of a Lycurgus Cup is that they appear as green (gawd awful pea soup green] until you shine a light into the inside, which is when the cup glows red, so.

"[Pop, pop] we'll see what color my lips leave behind on your dick after I finish with it since I'm pretty sure that we have a green light for that [pop, pop] and I'm ready for that, but you have to promise me that a Frosted Twirled Whip Shop date is [pop, pop] in our future, soon [smooch, smack], so?"

Well, that's another thing you don't throw out there to a guy, I guess. And somewhere in all that fury, I mean, he must have promised me a [pop, pop] a Frosted Twirled Whip Shop date, right? I mean, like somewhere in all that "argh, argh, ooh, ooh, argh, ahh, ahh" and stuff, right?

But I did it. Which was all a lot easier than slipping back out into the great room area where the last of the people were gathering. And by the way, I don't really know much about all this upper-level museum stuff, so, I enlisted Mrs. Bentley and her historical society connections to pull together the right people. I mean, any reason to dress up and drink a little Champagne, right? And I only made one request, but that will come up in a minute, meow.

Also, huh, that was way too easy! But I like Ethan well enough, so.

And as far as quietly slipping back into the room of wandering and judging eyes, I mean, there was Mookie, still going all Mookie and stuff while on her phone.

"What? What the hell do you mean grass doesn't stop growing when it's ankle high! [Slams the "end call" red button], damn it, Badger Redd, now I just found out that grass doesn't stop growing and I have to pay someone to cut it on a, OMG, weekly basis, so now my old spandex had better be worth $600!"

Ignore Mookie for now, folks. She'll be fine. I mean, as long as she stops using her Lycurgus Cup as a beer pong goal cup, you know, since there are only thought to be about 100 Lycurgus Cups worldwide in museums.

I mean, I ignored her ranting as I greeted everyone and thanked for coming and carefully positioned because my plan required that.

"Um, Mrs. Wilkerson, um [pop], Auntie Nancy, um, Mrs. Wilkerson, um, I need you to position yourself right about [pop] here and oops, just a little to the left, there we go [pop] and um, a little more and as the ex-dance teacher, I mean, you're wearing a slit dress, so [pop], extend a dance teacher's leg through it! Don't you watch award shows, Mrs. Wilkerson?"

"Hmph! [But extends an ex-dance teacher leg through the dress anyways.] I saw that little sneak away with my nephew, Badger Redd!"

"Oh, well, I was just checking that the dingy and dark Den room had a couch that two people could use without wrinkling one's lowcut evening gown because Ken Sanders has a sparkle in his eye for you and by the way, you look amazing, extend a little more leg and having sex with Ken Sanders has to wait until after the presentation because you can't move from the position, got it?"

"Hmph! How old is Martha's son these days then, hmm?"

"Oh, Ken is jack hammer years old now, Mrs. Wilkinson, so?"

[Whoa, that's all of the ex-dance teacher's leg being extended, including a peek!]

Oh, I just guessed at Kenny's age, but he's mid twenty something, so, that's the same, right? Besides, what did I care just as long as Mrs. Wilkerson didn't move for a while. She was my pointer stick.

"Kenny, you're my front door guy and we're looking for a visiting stuffed shirt ancient artifact guy named Mr. Tweed Jacket, so, keep your eyes for him, okay?"

"Got it, Badger Redd. Also, tee he, I can almost see Mrs. Wilkerson honeypot from here, tee he."

"Oh, that's your honeypot to jack hammer [pop, pop] later, but only after the presentation! Got it?"

"Tee he, is Ethan your boyfriend now, Badger Redd?"

"Focus, Kenny, focus [pop, pop, pop]!"

Well, he focused on the view just across the room from him, but as long as he didn't move, then whatever. Especially since things were finally coming together.

"(Psst, I'm going to kill you, Badger Redd, if I don't get at least $700 from the museum for my favorite beer pong cup! But I'm going to cheek kiss you [cheek peck] for getting all of these women here at my meow place in cat face! And [another cheek smooch] thanks for doing my face. But I still need my $800 because I just found out that natural gas isn't free, even though it comes from the earth!"

Um, just keep repeating that Mookie is always going all Mookie. And the cat face was my request for the ladies of Middleton's Historical Society members. And huh, meow, they did it! I mean, the flowing Champagne probably helped [pop, hic, pop], so.

"Ahem, shall we get started then, Badger Redd? What else should we do before the visiting Mr. Perkins from the London Society of Artifacts arrives, hmm?"

"Oh, Mrs. Bentley, [pop, pop] I was waiting on you to pop one more button on your blouse, so?"

"Opps, you mean [hic] I haven't done that yet [pop, but a different pop, followed by a cool breeze]. I mean, I must be getting old, so, what else?"

"Tee he, that's it. Well, Mr. Fulmer, I'm getting in over my artifact finding head and I have no idea how to deal with stuffy old stuff shirts like Mr. Tweed Jacket, so, feel free to jump in anytime and show off your hob snob elite ways when push comes to shove over a finder's fee for Mookie, okay?"

"Well, I grew up with your father (RIP) and all and I'll expect future considerations when you figure out what else he hid in plain site for his (RIP) criminal partner, I mean, his business partner, so, I got your hob snob negotiation back, Badger Redd, I mean, but if Mrs. Bentley could pop just one more button and all, I mean..."

[Pop, swoosh, a larger breeze fills the room from mammoth moving globes]

"Hip, hip, cheerio, jolly ole London, I'm Mr. Perkins from the London Artifacts Society and I'm expected here and before I call this rubbish, hogwash, outrageous, preposterous, outlandish and just plain ole hip, hip, cheerio, crazy that some American cowgirl can "magically" find an ancient Lycurgus Cup, well, since I'm touring the US museums while jacking up my expense reports, I mean, hip, hip, cheerio, I'll have a glass of Champagne while I'm here."

Ahh, enter stage left, hip, hip, cheerio, Mr. Tweed Stuffed Jacket!

"I mean, who could resist an invitation from the renowned, Mrs. Boobs McGee, hip, hip, I mean the renowned, Mrs. Bentley, cheerio."

[Clink, clink, clink, clink]

"Ahh, a jolly glass of bubbly always pumps up the expense report, ahem, anyways, need I remind anyone here that claiming ownership to a priceless artifact that is about [sip] a bazillion years is illegal, especially when it might be one of the three Lycurgus Cups that were stolen almost twelve years ago! Hip, hip, cheerio cheers and hand cuffs are adjustable!"

"(Psst, now I'm going to kill you, Badger Redd because now me and my spandex beer pong cup are going to the hoosegow in hand cuffs! And I promised that kind of sex night to Chad already! Also, before I kill you, you owe me a $900 because I just found out "E" means empty on my fuel gauge!"

"Ahem, Mr. Tea Bag, [pop] Mookie has never claimed ownership of any such ancient artifact, but has from moment one, moment one, I say, has stated that she found said artifact in the rat's nest of her inheritance and is [pop] merely looking for a reasonable finder's fee and nothing more, so?"

"(Psst, Badger Redd, a finder's fee is starting to sound like $1000, right? I mean, I just found out that men have been buying my drinks at the club all this time! And, ugh, I think Ethan is getting a little anxious for another "hey, there hey" side meeting and since I'm going to kill you for setting me for Cell Block C, I mean, fine, go ahead, but get me $1100 because I just found out that Cell Block C is the dyke block and I already promised that experiment to Luci!"

Well, whatever because huh? I was just with Ethan and it went to the finish! I promise, it went to finish!

"Hip, hip, cheerio, jolly ole London, do [sip] we wish to continue with this hoax, hmm? I'm a busy man, so, what's it going to [hic] be, huh?"

"(Psst, what's happening here, Badger Redd? I need my $1200 because I just found out that people have to pay their credit card bills!)"

"Ahem, Mr. Blah, Blah, Blah, if I may, may I please direct your vision away from Mrs. Boobs McGee, I mean, Mrs. Bentley's cleavage and to the pointer that is just behind me, hmm?"

[Leg bounce, bounce, bounce, LOL, towards Kenny!]

"Hmm, the extended leg [sip] of what surely, hip, hip, cheerio, must have been a dance teacher, hmm, where was I going with this then, aha, aha, aha, huh?"

"Mr. Mustache, please follow the dreamy extended leg up and up and up, please."

[Mr. Tweed Jacket has a problem letting his eye sight leave the extended leg of the ex-dance teacher, but he eventually does follow the line upwards]

"Ahem!"

"Oh, hip, hip, cheerio, looking up, looking up, oh, oh, oh my, OMFG!"

"(Psst, Badger Redd, oh, oh, oh my, OMFG is worth $1300, right, because I just found out that attending the university is not free!)"

Oh, I purposely posed Mrs. Wilkerson and her dance teacher leg directly underneath the shelf where Mookie had kept her, OMFG, loose change and beer pong ancient artifact cup!

"It has a crack [pop] in it, Mr. Tea Time."

"Oh, that's unfortunate, but still, OMFG! However, I am obligated to say that these types of artifacts cannot be owned or claimed by private collectors or criminals, so, whew, I'll need to authenticate it, of course, and have another glass of bubbly, of course, but if what I see is real, well, I might pass out! In Mrs. Bentley's chest, of course, hip, hip, cheerio!"

"(Giggles)"

Well, Mr. Tweed Jacket passed out! For a moment until Mrs. Bentley exhaled and motor boated him back to life.

"Well, I have with me, Middleton's elite hob snob, Mr. Fulmer, as our advisor for a reasonable finder's fee and by the way, Mr. Stained Shirt, I know for a fact that there are two more hidden somewhere, so, Mr. Fulmer, if you would take over for a moment, hmm? And you're done now, Mrs. Wilkinson, so?"

[Whoa, a flashing breeze and it wasn't from Mrs. Bentley undoing another button? Huh.]

[Oh, and a body check slam since Mrs. Wilkinson was promised the dark and dingy Den room earlier]

"[Hip bump big time!] You promised me, purdy boy Badger Redd, so, it's either side-by-side doggie do and doggie did or find another place! Also, your artifact crush is my nephew, so, bye! Also, also, yeah, young men bounce back and sometimes they bounce back yet again, so, yeah, put that artifact in your silly artifact scrapbook, Badger Redd!"

Well, that was a lot of information to digest! And probably true artifacts. But my name really sounded bold when Mrs. Wilkinson said it.

Um, also, SOB, there was a room worse than the dark and ding Den room? Yep. Um, like an over sized pantry or something? I don't know and Ethan didn't care.

[Personal space is overrated, especially when there is none]

"Tee he, Ethan, are you trying to let [pop, pop] me know where you hide your artifact, hmm? I mean, OMG Ethan, it was just 45 minutes ago! But I like it."

Alright, fine, guys are less about cutesy talk and care more about having a do over for what color my lip gloss really was. And the good part, huh, even I got better in the past 45 minutes! Or guys don't need "good" as much as they the warmth of body temperature. Either way, I did it again and like it better because I like Ethan and his "argh, ooh, argh, ooh, argh, suck it, purdy boy, argh, ahh, ahh" sounded sincere. Ahem, no comments please. I mean, that was the second time and he hadn't dumped me, so.