Badger Redd 02

Badger Redd 02

"Hi, Gale Storms from TV3 News, broadcasting live from the south docks where a crew of official artifact hunters is about to pull the find of the lifetime off the bottom of the Middleton River and I'm speaking live with the river boat owner and captain and you all know her because your teenagers whacked off over her dance teacher legs all the time for eons, Mrs. Nancy Wilkinson. So, Nancy, Nancy, Nancy, what can you tell my viewers about this adventure and, and, and, given the way that you're dressed, is this an artifact finding cruise or a cat face Cougar cruise, roar, hmm?"

"Oh, Gale Storms from TV3 News, this is not a meow Cougar Cruise, but there may have been a few requests for a few things and besides, the captain sometimes has to really straddle the wheel at the helm, so, tee he, I'm ready."

"There you have viewers, even if the artifact hunters don't find any ancient spandex cups on the bottom of the river, well, somebody still may get lucky tonight! Anyways, Nancy, Nancy, Nancy, where is the one that they call Badger Redd, hmm and is it true that the one they call Badger Redd asked you to also wear a thin Peek-A-Boo bra under your middle age bikini top and, and, and, do you have room for my camera guy and myself on the meow Cougar cruise, go ahead."

"Tee he, Gale Storms from TV3 News, that's Badger Redd over there being fitted for form fitting life preserver vest by the infamous Tori from the Sex Clothes store because open water scares the bejesus out him and he did insist that the ladies all wear thin Peek-A-Boo bras under their bikini tops because everybody likes boobs, so, climb meow aboard, matey! Just don't climb on my jack hammer Kenny, tee he."

"There you have it, viewers, once again, I'm stripping down to my bra and undies to broadcast live on the river! But at least I'll be on a boat this time. Oh, oh, oh, Mookie, Mookie, Mookie, tell my viewers, Mookie, is it true that you passed out when the officials handed you a big fat check and, and, and, Mookie, about a bazillion of my viewers want to know if you're single, go ahead."

"Tee he, Gale Storms from TV3 News, I mean, I passed out a couple of times and I am technically single, but with one eye open, if you know what I mean and if you're watching Chad, I mean, I was just going all "Mookie" and stuff from the excitement of things and I said a lot of things to Badger Redd, but that's all that happened (wink, wink)."

"There you have it, viewers, sometimes women go all "Mookie" when presented with a big fat check and nothing else happens (wink, wink). Anyways, Chad, if you're watching this broadcast, get your ass down here to docks and make Mookie your woman proper! OMG, OMG, OMG, Badger Redd, Badger Redd, Badger Redd, my faggot viewers are dying, Badger Redd, is it true that you got dumped a full eight hours after the normal time frame, go ahead."

"Oh, Gale Storms from TV3 News, I don't think we need to get into all that, but, tee he, eight extra hours is like a record or something, ahem, but that's not why we're here, so?"

"There you have it, viewers, Badger Redd is short a rope guy tonight and needs your muscle! Oh, I mean your muscles, so, Badger Redd, Badger Redd, Badger Redd, you're responsible for finding three Lycra Blended coffee cups, so tell my viewers, is three your number, go ahead."

"Oh, Gale Storms from TV3 News, could I wear Denim shorts like this if my number was three, hmm?"

"[Pan down, Harold, you're a fag] there you have it, viewers, two winks earlier meant two and that's why nothing happened and two doesn't get in the way!"

[Live feed viewer board blowing up for Badger Redd]

"Oh shit, captain, we better shove off or be prepared to fend off a large band of pirates looking to capture Badger Redd!"

"[Honk, toot, honk, toot] All aboard who is coming aboard! Shiver me timbers and twist my helm, we're off."

Well, all that matters is that I had a custom fitted life vest. And my ridiculously short shorts since the day light was fading.

[Enter boat deck right, the graying buzz cut chief of police, Police Chief Carson]

"Alright, um, you, um, Badger Redd, what the hell are my two divers looking for anyways and I'm trying to be a modern police chief, so, um, just Badger Redd, right?"

[Enter boat deck left, the artifacts expert, Mr. Tweed Jacket]

"Hip, hip, cheerio, there will be no official artifact discussions without my involvement, hip, hip, jolly ole murky river current, what are the police divers looking for, Badger Redd, huh?"

"Oh, well, first, it's three pipes, all inside of each other and they are about the length of a human leg, um, not the length of my leg, of course, but um, the two cups are foam wrapped inside of the smallest PVC pipe and purple glue sealed at the ends and then that pipe was foam wrapped and inserted into the next size up PVC pipe and purple glue sealed at the ends and then, both of those pipes were inserted into a much larger PVC pipe, which was filled with play sand to the top and then sealed the ends and the pipes were of a white color when they left the work shop on a two wheeled dolly, but I don't know what the river water might do to the coloring after 12 years and by the way diver #1, aren't you Blake, the quarterback? Oh, and remember the length of a human leg part because anything closer to the length of full body, um, ooh, were, well, the entire thing is about this tall."

[Uses Blake the Quarterback's leg as a reference. Which is important because anything the length of an entire, well, never mind]

"Um, yeah, I'm Blake, the ex-Quarterback and after graduation, well, the river and the academy felt right for me, so, um, it's B..."

[A quick finger to the river diver's lips]

"Hush! Badger Redd. It's Badger Redd, Blake, so, um, can you breathe in that frogman suit?"

"Oh, LOL, I don't think anyone has called a diving suit a frogman suit since a long time, but it has it's challenges on this side of the surface, so."

[Police Chief Silver Fox is getting annoyed]

"Ahem! Is social hour over?"

"Oh, sir, yes, sir, let's get wet, sir and find some pipes, sir, with some ancient spandex, sir, yes, sir!"

That was intense!

"OMFG, people, they are ancient Lycurgus Cups! Not spandex and not Lycra blended fabric and not ugly holiday mugs, they are Lycurgus Cups! Tee he, did I scream that out loud?"

"(Tee he, that was intense, Badger Redd. See you topside.)"

Well, we were already topside, so, that didn't make any sense, but it was intense.

[The Silver Fox has chilled out]

"Alright already, Badger Redd, which is a name I'd have on my squad org chart, by the way, just where are my two diver's diving at because we can't search the entire river bed for a pipe full of medieval women's holiday shapewear, so?"

I gave up.

"Mrs. Wilkinson, anchor before Bent Point. Mookie, prop the two paintings that I had you bring along sideways on a meal table and make a swallow "V" with them, okay? Oh, a shallow "V", I mean make a shallow "V" with them, tee he."

"Powering down."

[Plops down two paintings, prop up sideways, huh?]

"Police Chief Carson, it should be right..."

[The buzz cut leans in to study the formation of the complicated treasure map]

"Got it, have a look, men and get with it!"

Men, LOL, I liked that. Men! Have a look, men! Get with it, men! Get wet, men! Be men, men! Men, this is Badger Redd, our newest recruit, men! Men, the bubble gum crew is reeking-havoc on the playground and we have to clean things up, men! Men, you're not allowed to shower with Badger Redd, in the police barracks, men! Men, Badger Redd said to wear a safety line, so man up and strap up!

Oh, I said that one out loud.

"Men, tie off one safety line, men and get with it! Also, Badger Redd (psst, why are all these women in cat face, huh? Did the police miss a memo?)"

"(Psst, Silver Fox 1, ask for sandwich later. And say "hey there, hey" to Mrs. Bloomfield.)"

[Um, it looks like Police Chief Silver Fox is no stranger to sandwiches]

"Throw anchor here, Mrs. Wilkinson, since this is actually a meal boat, tee he and this might take a while and whoa, ho, ho, Tina Bloomfield, tee he, so?"

"(Meow, Chief Silver Fox)"

"Ladies, the men are hungry and the galley is full of pulled beef, sauce and buns! Oh, and it's full of food too. Anchors away."

LOL, the men are hungry! Feed the men! Men, get your fill, men! Men, it's time to pull beef, men!

[Meanwhile, near the stern of the river boat where last moment adjustments were being made to the tight diving suits were under way by the diver men]

"Oh, diver man #2, are you sure that Blake's frogman suit is tight enough, hmm? Like here [poke, stroke, poke} and what about here [stroke, poke, stroke], hmm? And by the way, black on black is cool, but this thing is like black on black on black on black and OMG, don't you have a red belt for Blake to wear? It would really make this suit pop!"

"Um, um, ooh, well, um, we're diving, not walking the runway, um, so..."

"And where is Blake's life preserver vest, hmm? You must know that any natural water is and can be dangerous!"

"Ooh, oh, well, we're diver's and life vests would make us float, so, um, should I give you two a moment or something, huh? Oh, but I really like your designer life vest, so, um, well, um, that's all."

"Oh, why, because Blake was two grades more than me in school and then something, which was nothing, happened and then we were eternally cursed with a tie, hmm? And thanks for noticing my life vest because Tori is making me a fishnet shirt that resembles it and with wide bands of neon glow green patches and these whip ass nylon belt and these cool as hell snap buckles, so?"

[Splash, diver guy #2 quietly slips backwards into the murky river because diver guy #2 has never ever experienced a conversation with someone like Badger Redd]

[Grabs frogman suit and tugs and pulls and tries to make adjustments]

"Badger Redd, we don't have an eternal tie! And neoprene suits don't lend themselves to a lot of adjustments, so?"

"Oh, we have a tie, Blake. You paused and then I paused and that's a tie!"

"Yeah, but, but then, um, you, um..."

"OMG, just say it, I placed a hand on my hips, for a moment, but then your shower towel flexed! It's a tie, Blake!"

"Oh, but then you started to wash your hair like you were filming a shampoo commercial, so?"

"Oh, I mean, this won't work if you remember every little detail, Blake, so it's still..."

"And, and, and, and then you ran off!"

"I mean, I heard voices coming and I didn't want the Quarterback to get caught flexing his shower towel over a shampoo commercial. And by the way, I didn't run off! I scurried away and you watched me scurry away and I swear, I heard you going all "aha, aha, aha" while your shower towel flexed, so, it's a tie, Blake, end of story! As told by me anyways, so."

[Still tugging away at a neoprene diving suit that really doesn't move much.]

"And I thought that you might have whacked off later from the shampoo commercial, so, I kept it at a tie by squirting whip cream all over my butt later! Which I totally screwed up, but I did it, so it's still a tie!"

[Hmm, neoprene diving suits are not really comfortable when the frogman gets a boner]

"Tee he, your frog is trying to leap out, Blake!"

[Quivering and biting his lips]

"And is there a headset that I can wear to guide you to the spot, Blake? And to have sex talk with you because I'm near 21 now, so?"

[The quivering is more like vibrating now. In neoprene!]

"And I've saw TV shows about divers, so I know frogmen always need help getting out of their frogman suits afterwards and this river boat has some private places, so?"

[The frogman back slides into the river, but not so much on purpose as from shaking in his flipper feet]

[A much happier Silver Fox Police Chief approaches the stern where the frogman, I mean, divers are]

"Ahh, good, my men are in the water! Also, just plain ole, ahh! That's how a man should be served a sandwich! Ahem, men, I'm going to give Badger Redd the communication headset now because apparently, I can still have two sandwiches! Carry on, men!"

LOL, men! Men, carry Badger Redd to the port side! Men, if Badger Redd wants a Frosty Whipped Swirly, then get Badger Redd a damned Frosty Whipped Swirly, men! Men, how do you expect me to believe that Badger Redd talked sexy talk over the headset, huh, men? Men, you can't all be Badger Redd's date to the Policemen's Ball, so, get it together men and share! Men, how does the locker spy camera App work, men, speak up!

[Yeah, Badger Redd gets carried away sometimes, but he started out the first chapter claiming to weird right from the get go]

Men, compared to Badger Redd, your uniforms fit funny, so, men, belt them! Tee he.

[Meanwhile, back to the stern of the river boat]

"Police Chief Silver Fox, the object is heavy and had to be carted out on a two-wheel dolly, so, if they find it, how are they going to lift it? And Dolly Peterson is meow making your second sandwich as we speak, so?"

"Badger Redd, my men are trained for this! Plus, we have lifter air bags and a rubber dingy, so, is cat face a thing now, huh?"

"Oh, oh, I've almost saw Blake and he's no dingy! And nobody has called them rubbers since the days of the frogman, so?"

"OMFG, Badger Redd!"

"Sir, sir, yes, sir, sir, sir, yes, yes, sir?"

"Why isn't the diver down flag in the water? My men need their protection!"

"Sir, yes, sir, we already talked about using protection, sir, yes, sir and I'll take care of Blake's flag pole later when I help him shimmy out of his wet frogman suit later, sir, yes, sir, yes, yes, yes, sir!"

Tee he, men, my men need to protect their flag poles! Why haven't you gone diver down on my men yet, rookie? Do men like it these days when their flag pole partners put on the rubber? Why are my men floating like their diving suits are inflated in the middle? Men, you can't place a spy camera at Badger Redd's locker, do you understand me, men? Men, the diving communication system is not for your personal pleasure! Men, why would you think..."

"[Click] ahh, Badger Redd, you're live on the communication system [click]!"

Oh.

"(Psst, Badger Redd, what's that style called that Mrs. Wilkerson is doing it, tee he?)"

"(Psst, it's the "take me at the helm" position, Silver Fox 1. Or MILF jack hammering for short.)"

"Excuse me, hip, hip, cheerio, jolly ole artifact adventure, but Police Chief Carson, there is another boat approaching us and it might be hip, hip, cheerio, Mrs. Floatation Bags, I mean, Mrs. Bentley's hubby and I can't end up on the bottom of this murky river! At least until eyes lay feast on the ancient cups!"

"OMFG, stop right there! We have divers in the water!"

[Honk, toot, honk, toot]

"I'm PILOT! Tie me off, I have a passenger for transfer."

OMG, Riley! Riley the boat Pilot who screams a lot, but believes that bikini tops are optional, so.

"And where is the mandatory diver down flag, dad, hmm? You're the chief, for Pete's sakes!"

Well then, I didn't know that! But that explains the bikini top.

[Some men tie off the un-invited river boat]

"Well, well, well, so, you're Badger Redd then, hmm? I'll deal with you later, if there is chance, since Peacock Penny is looking for her payment for her 115 petite promo girls lining the riverbanks earlier this afternoon for your artifact finding adventure! Anyways, Mookie? Mookie, I brought your crying man, Chad! Where is Mookie?"

[Mookie flies out and embraces her crying man, Chad]

Well, never mind that! But Mookie and Chad are together now. Apparently!

"[Click], Blake, Blake, I need you to find a fancy duffle bag down there too! It looks a lot like Mr. Tweed Jacket's, jacket and it's heavy [click]!"

[Bits of peacock feathers flay and float all about in the air]

"Excuse me, I'm wobbling through because walking on boats is different than strutting on the Strip, excuse me, coming through!"

[Sorry, now bits of peacock feathers flay and float all about in the air]

"[Gently slaps Badger Redd's face] give me that communication headset, Badger Redd! And how dare you send your Quarterback crush down into the murky waters of the Middleton River with a fat boner [gently slaps face again]. Suit me up, purdy boy! I'm going in after the big bag of gold coins myself!"

[Looks over the special diving suit that Tori made for Peacock Penny and it's just a thong bikini and an air tank]

"[Cough, spits pieces of feather out, cough] Peacock Penny, I swear retrieving the big tweed bag of gold coins was always the plan! Tee he, and suiting you up is not the same as feeling you up, so?"

[It was exactly the same]

"Ahem [gently slaps another face], Gale Storms from TV3 News, why isn't your cameraman capturing this on film yet, hmm? And get my tan lines, please."

"(Get with it, Harold! And I'm going live with this booty battle in five, four, three, two, one), hi viewers, Gale Storms from TV3 News broadcasting live from the river boat artifact find adventure and we've just been joined by Mookie's boyfriend, Chad and Peacock Penny who is currently demonstrating how a woman can go down for an hour with an air tank! Peacock Penny, Peacock Penny, Peacock Penny, you've always been a fan favorite, so, tell my viewers, Peacock Penny, just how in the hell do you keep your booty so small and tight and then, how do plan on giving Badger Redd's Quarterback crush a boner check, go ahead."

"Tee he, Gale Storms from TV3 News, I won't need to check the Quarterback because we spied Badger Redd suiting up the Quarterback! Also, seriously, Gale Storms from TV3 News, those are the type of panties that you wear for a woman of your age, hmm? Cool, hot momma!"

"There you have it, viewers, rolling up granny panties n laundry day works! [Get her booty tan lines, Harold.]"

"Well, Badger Redd, splash me over board then like you're an honorary police barracks towel purdy boy! And make it look for the camera because I'm posting this as a "SCUBA Do This" video!"

Well, suiting up and feeling up and splashing over board is all exactly the same.

"[Holy SCUBA booty smokes, capture that, Harold! Roll!] There she goes, viewers, diver babe Peacock Penny, on her quest for her promo payment treasure and to make sure that the Quarterback diver is ready for a blow job! And we all spied all that neoprene adjustment stuff too earlier, so, tee he, we all know the answer to that! Anyways, tee he, straight guys and slightly fag on the side guys, oh boy, all of you missed a good boat adventure today!"

[TV3 News live feed board is blowing up again]

"[Click] diver's, a mostly naked Peacock Penny is on her way down [click]!"

"There you have it, viewers, Badger Redd just gave the Quarterback permission to dump his first nut so it would be easier and quicker later during the frogman un-suiting process!"

"[Click] surface, it's pretty murky down here, so, oh, holy she glows smokes! Diver's out [click]!"

Well, it was an artifact finding and diving adventure.

"(Grumble, that's two sandwiches in one night! Ahh.] Ahem, Badger Redd, report! How are my men progressing?"

"Sir, sir, yes, sir, yes, sir, Peacock Penny has joined the dive team, sir, yes, sir and your men are just men, sir, yes, sir and I'll trade a barracks locker spy camera for not being the shower purdy towel boy, sir, yes, sir!"

"Well, what's that odd glow that I see in the murky water then, Badger Redd? Did an alien spaceship land while Mrs. Bloomfield was attending to my sandwich? Tee he, my second sandwich, tee he, ahem."

"Sir, no, sir, that's Peacock Penny and her booty tan lines and her natural glow, sir, yes, sir! And I suspect the movement of the glowing light is Peacock Penny making my life easier later, sir, yes, sir! Oh, and the other back and forth movement is diver #2 because he used his diving knife to cut a hole in his frogman suit because Peacock Penny is all that, sir, yes, sir!"