Badger Redd 02

"And you're okay with this, Badger Redd?"

"Sir, yes, sir, these are modern times, sir, yes, sir!"

"Well, I'm trying to be a modern police chief and all so (psst, is it safe for me to turn around and have an interview with Gale Storms from TV3 News, huh?)"

"Sir, yes, sir, your daughter, Riley has her bikini top on! But sir, yes, sir, she is checking Kenny's neck for river fly bites, sir, yes, sir!"

"[Nibble, neck, bite, suck, smooch] huh, what? I'm decent [nibble, suck, bite, neck.]"

Um, decent has more than one definition, right?

"So, Gale Storms from TV3 News, care to interview me now? And have a sandwich with me behind the galley, huh?"

"Oh, Police Chief Carson, you, old salty river dawg, you! [Pats chest of the Silver Fox] duh! [Keep the camera rolling, Harold, for when Peacock Penny exists the river and sheepishly smirks at Badger Redd! Oh, and capture the big bag of gold coins on film too! But mostly Peacock Penny!]"

Well, these are modern times and all, so.

"[Click] diver Blake to surface, I mean..."

"[Click] surface to Quarterback, it's okay, diver Blake. I have some stuff to learn, like keeping my back teeth in place [click]."

Put that down on your artifact list as the best partner ever!

"[Click] surface back to Quarterback, you got that on underwater film though, right [click]?"

"[Click] Quarterback to future best partner ever, yep, but I have no idea where she hid that little video camera [click]."

Oh, Peacock Penny has some places! LOL, Peacock Penny so doesn't have any extra places to hide an underwater video camera!

[Splash, a peacock color themed hair mermaid emerges from the river water and the hair is even hotter when wet]

"(Huff, puff, huff) Badger Redd (huff, puff), I can't lift the big tweed bag of gold coins out of the water and I'm treading water here (huff, puff), so get with your "men this and men that" with your mouth and get some men over to help lift the bag! And we can talk about stuff later, if you're upset that it's not a myth that there can be sex under the sea (huff, puff)! Also, I'm treading water here, Badger Redd!"

"Oh, no, no, no, Peacock Penny, I'm under your charms and I can't wait to use your video as a personal tutorial, so that's all good. I'll get some men to lift the super heavy bag. Riley! I need you at the stern, pronto!"

Well, Riley's arms might be normal size, but she has been fighting pirates for like ever, so.

"Ahem, Badger Redd, I said to grab onto to my hips for support, so, are those my hips, hmm?"

Well, the hips are connected to the booty cheeks, so, it's exactly the same!

"Hello, I'm treading water down here and there is fishy checking out my nookie! Pull me and bag up! And you're his first woman, Riley, so, shut it and pull!"

"(Grunt, pull, heave, ho, grunt, pull, heave, ho, grunt, pull, argh, argh, argh)"

[Whoosh, SPLASH, PLOP!]

Well, the splash and plop were extra large since Peacock Penny refused to release the big tweed bag of gold coins and the both came out of the water and onto the stern of boat in a big splash and plop, so.

"Hip, hip, cheerio, OMFG, look at that jolly ole floppy around wet mermaid! I mean, ahem, did they find the pipes Miss Mermaid? Hip, hip and cheerio."

"(Huff, puff) they found it, but they need this. Also, I need someone with a two inches dick to realize that I'm on board now!"

Oh.

[The peacock mermaid flashes a series of odd and weird hand signals because that's how SCUBA divers communicate]

"Hip, hip, cheerio, Police Chief Carson, what the hell is this lovely and mostly naked, aha, aha, aha, mermaid saying, hip, hip, cheerio."

[The peacock mermaid repeats the series of odd and weird hand signals because that's how SCUBA divers communicate]

"Good jolly ole artifacts! My men found it!"

[The peacock mermaid flashes a different series of odd and weird hand signals because that's how SCUBA divers communicate]

"Men, other men! We need lifter air bags, pronto!"

[The peacock mermaid finishes with the last of the odd and weird hand signals because that's how SCUBA divers communicate]

"Men, other men, we need eight lifter air bags, Mrs. Bentley size, pronto!"

"(Giggles)"

LOL, men, you can't lift anything as well as Mrs. Bentley, men! Men, nobody will judge you if you think about Mrs. Bentley's air bags while doggie slamming Badger Redd! Men, we've been abusing Badger Redd lately, so, men, we're cutting back the circle jerks to twice a week! Men, we've been fooled by Badger Redd since there is more experience in the past then let on, men! Men, no, Badger Redd can't stay over in the loft of the police barracks on the weekends! Men, I just found out that Badger Redd is a total kissing bandit and likes to be man handled a little bit, so, get with it, men! Men, I've been saying things to you so that I can have Badger Redd all to myself, men, and I'm not sorry!

"[Click] ahh, Badger Redd, you're live on the communication system again [click]!"

Oh.

"[Click] ahh, Badger Redd, the outer pipe has a crack in it, but it looks okay, have the chief prep the teeny tiny dingy [click]!"

"[Click] surface to Quarterback crush, hah! We paused before and there is nothing teeny tiny, oh, am I still live, oops, one inflatable teeny tiny dingy, coming up."

"Badger Redd, what do my men need now? Report!"

"Sir, yes, sir, the larger outer pipe is cracked, but it looks okay, sir, yes, sir and then I'm prepped to have a frogman inflate my crack, sir, yes, sir and I'm going to like it, sir, yes, sir!"

"OMFG! Riley, if you can hear me and I'm not turning around, is this really what happens in these modern times?"

"[Nibble, neck, bite, suck, smooch] huh, what? Oh, these are modern times, dad. Open the button on your shorts, Badger Redd and split count your gold coins with Peacock Penny [nibble, suck, bite, neck.]"

Okay! [Zip, zip, unbutton, spread beach style since we're on a boat]

"Badger Redd, (tee he, where's my next best chance for a sandwich because I thought that bowl was filled with blue candy, tee he.)"

"Sir, yes, sir, take the helm chief, sir, yes, sir with the ex-dance teacher, sir, yes, sir, and I'm counting my coins now, sir, yes, sir!"

Oh, Badger Redd, cruise director! And rich person!

"Ahem, oh, I've already split our share of these, mwahahaha, gold coins and I split them 50-50!"

[The pile doesn't look exactly 50-50]

"And then I took an extra 30% because you made me come out on the open water of river to get my promo payment and then I gave you back 20% because you didn't get mad that I sucked the first nut out of your Quarterback crush, which was to save you, ahem, and then I took another 25% back because now, all of my 115 petite promo Lil Ladies want to wear sexy neoprene swimsuits for the artifact hand off ceremony and then I gave you back 15% because Mookie seems happy and she might actually stop going all "Mookie" on people and then I took back 21% because it took you too long to fall under my charms and then..."

Check back with me later, folks, you know, when I end up with two coins. Or less since Riley, Kenny and Peacock Penny just pulled away in her river boat.

{Vroom, vroom, mwahahaha, vroom, creating a wake]

"Well, well, well, I didn't think that you would pull this off, Badger Redd, but I insist that I personally handle all of the ceremony stuff going forward, so?"

"Oh, it's all yours, Mrs. Bentley! I've been in over my artifact head since the beginning! However, it's been under the river for about 12 years, we should at least wait until..."

"Hip, hip, cheerio, the pipe has broken the surface of the water and that crack is nothing compared to Mrs. Bentley's cleavage crack! Hip, hip, cheerio, jolly ole Cha-Ching! Both ways, hip, hip."

"(Giggles)"

[Two worn out and tired frogmen crawl over the edge of the boat and collapse on the deck. Tee he, the older frogman has a weird hole cut out of his frogman suit! So, Badger Redd rolls him over]

"Men, you both did good today, men! Take five! Other men, get on this!"

Tee he, men, you treated Badger Redd good today, men, so, men, each of you get five with Badger Redd and the wet suits have been requested as a bedroom aid! Good job, men! Men, Badger Redd wants to play role reversal, so, men, you're going to have to figure how to have Badger Redd while Badger Redd is wearing a wet suit, men! Men, other men, get back and watch and that's all, other men! Men, men, men, men, men!

"(Puff, huff, puff) psst, Badger Redd, you're still babbling into the headset (puff, huff, puff)."

"[Squeak, squawk, squeal] radio free society calling, where is this Middleton River located? We've been monitoring this signal for an hour and we're all "aha, aha, aha" over here [squeak, squawk, squeal]."

[Oh, the headset hits the deck!]

"Come on, Quarterback diver. We need to get you out of this frogman suit (pronto)."

[Stagger steps over and onto the older diver guy #2, but Badger Redd has been subjected to nothing but sex, sex, sex for the past two hours]

"Badger Redd, catch, you earned it."

[Mrs. Wilkinson, the dance teacher, tosses down a key from her pilot crow's nest place thingy where the helm is. I mean, Badger Redd didn't catch it, but some people enjoyed how Badger Redd bent over to pick up the key to the um, the second mate's cabin???? Badger Redd isn't really a boat person, so.]

So, um, wet, wet suits don't come off very easily, lesson learned. Um, frogmen divers who spend a couple of hours under river searching their butts off for treasure buried in the muck are tired out, lesson learned. Said tired frogman who was serviced in mid dive by the alluring Peacock Penny are even more spent, lesson learned, but within the rules of being under her charms. Sort of happy things that didn't go all the way, even though a certain weirdo named Badger Redd was willing to go all the way, lesson learned, um, well, I don't know what that lesson was, but I was willing.

But it was priceless to lay naked with my naked, yet passed out, Quarterback crush for an hour. Which is something all couples should do, if that's not written somewhere. Well, not he passed out part, but the naked part was amazing.

And even more priceless was how I managed to get up and get dressed before we docked, where, you know, his girlfriend was waiting! And a lesson learned and never mind looking back at the first chapter in case I learned that lesson before and let's move on to the artifact of a life time hand off ceremony, shall we, hmm?

End Badger Redd 02