Badger Redd 03

Badger Redd 03

Hey there, hey people, it's me, Badger Redd and it's been a week since my big artifact discovery and I'm picking up this segment with the last-minute preparations for the artifact ceremony at the Middleton Civic Center as hosted by Mrs. Bentley. And to be clear, tee he, I'm popular now, but not hypnotized by the word "men" as some have suggested.

But men, right?

Men, I know that I said you couldn't shower with Badger Redd in the police barracks, but I'm in charge men and I had an invite! Damn it, men, when Badger Redd asks for a Frosty Whipped Swirly, buy the damn Frosty Whipped Swirly Shop, men! Hah, all of you men are just jealous that I saw Badger Redd naked and you men weren't there, hah! Now men, we need to be respectful to Badger Redd, even though that mud wrestling photo shoot with two other men was leaked on Chang. Men, just admit it, Badger Redd is sexy no matter what and sexy is sexy men!

Ahem, excuse me [reels in the spinning eyes]

[A brisk walk up the Strip Badger Redd style because there are last-minute errands]

"Oh, that's right, Badger Redd, just briskly walk right past me without saying "hey" to me as I prop up the Clear Bottle Soda Pop Shop, even though I tried my very best to be your best friend the entire time we were growing up together, I mean, is this how it is when you get popular because you found the artifact of a lifetime, huh?"

"Oh, I remember your face, but I don't remember anything at all about a lifetime of attempts to be my best friend growing up, so, I mean, I don't have time to waste tonight because I just found out that I have ceremony errands to complete, so, let's start with where did I live while we were growing up as, you know, not best friends, hmm?"

"Oh, you lived over there, so, hah! Like a couple of streets behind the "Stop & Rob" convenience store and there was a left turn and some trees and that circle drive thingy at the end of that one street and then there was that dogleg to the left and a brown house with a brown tree, so, you know, Badger Redd, you grew up just over there, so?"

Well, anyone could have guessed that, but trust me, Denny never tried to be my best friend growing up.

"What do you want, Denny? My list of errands is long tonight, so?"

"Well, Andi Pandi wants to talk to you, but you know, you have to go through my bed first to get to an audience with Andi Pandi and that's how things work, so? And you're hot and popular and I'm tired of getting my sex from a podcast, so?"

Um, folks, is getting your sex from a podcast a thing? Is that like phone sex or have I really missed something?

"Denny, that's just stupid! But I like how you recognized that I'm popular and I'm in the loop now. But getting back to how there is no such thing a getting your sex from a podcast, I mean, the way I heard it since I'm popular now and actually hear things like gossip, is that your "podcast" sex is exactly the same as you laying in your bed with a drinking glass up to the wall and by the "ick, ewe" way, it had better be at least with your step sister's bedroom wall that you creep freak listen through! And I'm only still standing here because I'm giving you one chance to convince me that you're not completely 100% disgusting, so?"

"Hah! Well, of course it's my step sister's bedroom wall that I creep podcast my sex through because my momma gets her sex on Elm Street, Oak Street, South Street, Sheridan Street and Timberland Street and my dad gets his sex from the fag flop house on Franklin Street, so, hah, take that!"

[They both think about that for a moment and decide to leave things alone]

"Fine, Badger Redd, that sounded disgusting on 79 levels, but since I'm just 79th on Andi Pandi's list, I mean (waah, waah, waah), I need to have sex with you since you're so popular now since your big artifact find and that would boost my cred and besides, I'm dying and crying over your black lip gloss (waah, waah, waah) anyways, so, please!"

"Oh, my lip gloss is Black Cherry Molten Red and a few people who have tasted it have confirmed that it's Black Cherry Molten Red and not true black, so, go ahead, pass out, butthead!"

They all pass out.

[Whoop, an informative outgoing text]

"Andi Pandi, I don't talk to the hired help or flunkies!"

[Weep, an apologetic reply]

"That was unauthorized sweetie. If jerk wad passed out..."

[Weep, a follow up apologetic reply]

"U can write words on his forehead with a Sharpie.

[Weep, a follow up, follow up apologetic reply]

"AP crew hearts Badger Redd."

Well then, this is why people in transition always carry a Sharpie in their back pocket! Not that I would do such a thing, tee he. But I'll apologize back to Andi Pandi later because I really and actually meant to imply that Denny's forehead meant Black Boot Crew Bitch Boy when I scribbled BBC Bitch Boy across his forehead and not the other way. But I'll wait a while first to see if Tre from the southside texts me a thanks text for BBC Bitch Boy.

[Weep, a follow up, follow up text from Andi Pandi]

"Badger Redd, U get peacock feather circular eyespot thingy tattoo under booty?"

Well, it's kind of a must when you're under Peacock Penny's charms, but those ocelli spots in the fanning of the peacock tail feathers are quite unique and cute, so, yeah, that's right, I got that tattoo and some men watched!

Tee he, men! Men, I know it's hard to take your eyes off of Badger Redd, but the nuclear power plant won't run itself, men! Men, fine, I admit it, I went over to Badger Redd's house to fix some plumbing, but then, men, tee he, my plumbing got drained and it was amazing, men! Tee he, men.

[Continues that brisk strut up the Strip since Denny passed out and his forehead claims him to be a BBC Bitch Boy, which Tre from the southside eventually sent a thanks text for, but the intended Black Boots Crew are pissed and demand a replacement]

"Oops, there's no such thing as just strolling by without a proper "hey there, hey" Badger Redd and you know that since you're in the mix of things now, so?"

Oh, that was true, but easily fixed.

"Hey there, hey, Wayne. Bye!"

[And the beat goes on... Hum to it. Cher, right?]

"Straight up, Badger Redd, what's the Lycra spandex artifact ceremony going to be like, hmm? And I'm only asking because I'm the officially designated creep videographer for this ceremony and I want to do the Middleton Kazoo Gazette proud, so?"

"Oh, Sammi Boo, since the ancient Lycurgus Cups are weird green until you shine a light source through them from the inside, which makes the cups glow red, I mean, it's a red lowcut evening gown affair and some women will balance that out with a red bra and the more daring woman will highlight that with a black bra and I did not ask the men to wear the corresponding yucky green because the ancient cups are actually a weird ass green color in their static state, so?"

"Badger Redd, your lips are deep, deep red!"

Finally! Someone noticed the difference!

"So, about 100 women in red then, Badger Redd, huh? And I bet your lips taste like Black Cherry soda, don't they, Badger Redd?"

"[Gulp] it will be sea of red, Sammi Boo and from several countries. And a swamp of mismatched men in bad rental tuxedos. Also, did I gulp yet, tee he?"

"Oh, you gulped alright, Badger Redd. And are you Andi Pandi's number one now? I'm her (should be) muscle and I go (ignore the PPO) where she goes, so?"

"Oh, I think I'm Andi Pandi's number three, minus two, plus four, minus three, plus one, but I just found out from Mrs. Bentley that you're banned from the ceremony for being a big creepy creep with a video camera and 20 PPOs against him, but I'll put my phone on speaker every now and then so that you can hear what you're missing, but that's all, Sammi Boo, so?"

"Well, I like it by words anyways and don't judge me for that because it's better than listening through a wall with a drinking glass, so?"

"Forget it, Sammi Boo and..."

"Aw, come on, Badger Redd, you're Badger Redd, so, why won't you go all "Badger Redd" like Mookie goes all "Mookie" half of the time and convince Mrs. Bently that I'll be on my best behavior at least until there is a worthy wardrobe failure or until the bust open the second case of Champagne, whichever comes first because this sea of red evening gowns ceremony is the hottest ticket in town, so?"

Hah! The second case of Champagne will be cracked open before the sound system check is completed!

"Pass out, Sammi Boo, but I'll speak with Mrs. Bentley since I can see it in your eyes that you're dying inside to know what flavor my lips might taste like."

They all pass out. But the beat of errands must go on.

Oh, and by the way, nope, I will not be joining in the sea of red evening gowns. I like my Denim jeans.

"Ahem, I didn't ask for the job from Peacock Penny, but I'm happy to do it for you, Badger Redd, you know, since we have a history together, so?"

Oh, we had history class together and a couple of study sessions together, but other than I've been lying about a couple of things, that's all of the history I had with Ray Rage.

"Oh, Ray Rage then, um [smack, smooch, smack] and I didn't ask Peacock Penny to assign you [smooch] as my back watcher [smack, peck], but being popular comes with a price [smooch, smooch, smack]. Just wear your dress leather jacket [peck, peck, peck] and make certain there is an inside pocket for my extra tubes of lip gloss [peck, smooch] and wear dark glasses!"

"I got your back, Badger Redd, but, um, I'll probably have a couple of condoms in my other inside pocket, so, well, I'll watch your back from all these men that want you now, so?"

"[Smooch, mwah] well, you're not ever doing me raw again! But hush about that since nobody knows about that and my rep is I'm just a decent date, so, thanks for being there for me tomorrow night and bye! My errands beat must go on [smooch, smooch, you were so good, smack, smooch]."

Men! He said men!

Men, we all want Badger Redd, so, how do we do this then, men? Men, men, gather around, I just found something on Chang that proves that Badger Redd has been more active than we have led to believe, men! Oh, oh, you men can do what you want, but I'm going to continue courting Badger Redd the old fashion way, men, by bumbling and babbling texts! Man up, jerk and court Badger Redd like the rest of us men, by whispering stupid stuff on the Strip! LOL, men!

Oh, was I babbling about men again, tee he?

"Excuse me, coming through, excuse me, elbowing my way through, excuse me!"

[Bits of peacock feathers flay and float all about in the air]

"[Gently slaps Badger Redd's face] Badger Redd, I'm furious and seeing red because you're screwing around with your men on the Strip, when there are so many open errands to be completed for the sea of red evening gowns gala tomorrow [gently slaps face again]. But I ended up with a lot more gold coins from your treasure hunt, so, we're under each other's charms equal, for now. Anyways, I just wanted to introduce you to the three newest promo petite Lil Ladies that I just hired from the coast of the Red Sea across the world. This is Red Pepper, Red Dipper and Red Weeper and they have insisted that their neoprene bikini bottoms for the promo Friday night on the Strip be red, so, now I have to change over the other 115 petite promo Lil Ladies outfits because these three petite ladies are too hot for even me to argue with and it's all your fault, so, you better come up with another ancient treasure find, got it?"

Well, they all pass out and everything else is always my fault, I mean, just write those two things down right now, folks and we'll all save some time going forward.

"[Cough, spits pieces of feather out, cough] Peacock Penny, I swear, um, well, hey there hey Lil Ladies Pepper Red, Dipper Red and Weeper Red, welcome to the promo team and by the way, well, I've always had the Red Sea coast on my bucket list, so, hi Lil Ladies, um, well, okay then, red bikini bottoms for the entire promo gig it is then, um."

"[Gently slaps Badger Redd's face] thank you, Badger Redd, but now, quit screwing around with your men on the Strip when there is a commotion down at the Red Dress Shop that needs to be handled and I can't always do everything myself [gently slaps Badger Redd's face]!"

I mean, that's exactly where I was headed before I was interrupted by Peacock Penny and those other couple of men that held me up on the Strip as I briskly strutting.

Tee he, men!

Men, I must confess, these bites on my chest are not from my cat, so, I lied, men. Oh, you men can locker room trash talk all that you want about Badger Redd in the bed, men, but until you've had Badger Redd against the dish washer, well, you men haven't lived yet! Aww come on, men, why would you make me confess that Badger Redd snuck into the bathroom with me during the last weeks card game, huh, men? Tee he.

[Still babbling with spinning eyes brisk strut up the Strip]

Um, I was arm hooked into the bathroom, the end. Well, then I passed out, the end.

"[Gently slaps Badger Redd's face] Badger Redd, I wasn't finished with you yet because my air tank and thong bikini video is trending hard on Chang, so, if you're truly under my charms, then you will make it so I have a bigger role in your next job, like how I get my own treasure find job, so?"

"[Cough, spits pieces of feather out, cough] Peacock Penny, I'm way ahead of you because I'm already planning out my next, next treasure finding job, so, I'll give you my next, next, minus one next job, but that's for after this ceremony and because I just found out from you that I have to fix some commotion down the Strip at the Red Dress Shop, so, you can handle my next job semi solo, okay?"

"[Does not gently face Badger Redd's face] really? Eek! Then I'm under your charms too, Badger Redd! But go fix that commotion and you might need some help from some men, so, eek, I get my own job!"

Well, it's an easy find and I already said that my dad performed side work for a thief and it was kind of in plain sight once I saw it, so. Oh, and my next, next treasure find was in crazy plain site. Crazy plain sight.

But first, ahem, as Peacock Penny just mentioned, I had a commotion to fix and it might require the assistance of some men.

Men, Badger Redd needs a little assistance, so, get on that, men! Men, my head is spinning because I asked Badger Redd to make me a BLT and holy smokes, men, that bacon sizzled, men! Men, the word is that Badger Redd has another treasure coming up, men, so get ready, men, because I heard that a tall crane is required, men!

Tee he, men.

[The Red Dress Shop on the Strip front door chime, jingle, jangle]

"OMG, Badger Redd [a spider monkey leaping attack], I'm passing out from all my ceremony customers [Smooch, MWAH, smack]. I mean, I teamed up with the Black Bra Shop just to the south on the Strip and then I teamed up with the Red Bra Shop just to the north on the Strip and then, Karla from the Ebony Nylon Stockings Shop across the Strip joined in and Janie from the High Heels & Stiletto Shoe Shop is on her way with a truck load of high heel shoes and boom, we're on track to make about a bazillion dollars from your ancient spandex find of a lifetime [MWAH]."

Well, I passed out. Again.

"[Slap, slap, slap] Badger Redd, wake up! It's me, Margo from the Garter Belt Shop on the southern end of the Strip [slap, slap, slap], wake up, Badger Redd and put a baby in my belly for all the Garter Belts I'm selling since I just joined in with Tammi here at the Red Dress Shop!"

"(Grump, what, baby, sex, wake up) what, what happened?"

"Tee he, Badger Redd, you were dreaming that you actually hooked up with someone who didn't have a girlfriend on the side! Well, in the front since you're always on the side, but wake up! Anyways, wake up since there are women here from all over the globe! Also, tee he, we have to visit Stockholm. Oh, and tee he, Amsterdam too, so, wake up! And put a good word in with Andi Pandi for me since you're her number three, minus two, plus four, minus three, plus one now [mwah, mwah, mwah, smooch, smack!]"

Well, sometimes being passed out on the floor isn't so bad then, right?

"And because we need some men to help carry the gazillion boxes of heels from Janie's cube truck to this Red Dress Shop because Janie's cube truck is stuck in traffic behind the 18-wheeler tractor trailer that is hauling one black bra and one red bra for Mrs. Bentley!"

"(Giggles)"

Tee he, Margo said men like Police Chief Carson said men in the last chapter! Men, Badger Redd needs help with carrying boxes of shoes, men, because women need their high heels to push their booties up, men, so hop to it, men! Men, just because Badger Redd is passed out, that isn't the same as a green light, men, so behave yourselves, men! Men, you're all just jealous petty little men because you couldn't trade places with me last night, men and sexy is sexy, men! That's right, men, Badger Redd has feet skills and I'm not ashamed to admit that in front of you men!

"[Slap, slap, slap] Badger Redd, wake up! You're babbling, again, and we need Janie's product from her Black Stiletto & High Heels Shop on the Strip so the sea of women in red can push their booties up to here! Wake up!"

Tee he, hah, who needs men when Badger Redd has me to gently slap his face, huh, men? Oh, you men are lying to yourselves if you think that Badger Redd will crumble under your charms, you stupid men! OMG, why do men think that they can have it both ways? Men, that's just stupid man talk, again, men! Men, Badger Redd brings it to the party and that's that, men! OMG, men, it's a little late to think about what happened now, men! Um, men, how many of you men think that Badger Redd is hotter than your wife, huh, men?

"[Slap, slap, slap] Badger Redd, wake up and stop babbling! We need some men, pronto!"

Oh, tee he, it's just since the boat artifact float that the speaking of the word "men" has become my trigger word, tee he.

[Whoop, outgoing text to Andi Pandi]

"Janie needs help unloading up her high heels truck!"

[Almost instantaneous screeching, squealing, double parking, screech, slide it in sideways, beep, beep, squeal, Nathan jumps out and takes control]

"Men, get it to it! Janie, point it out to the men! Badger Redd, I brought some men to the rescue just as soon as Andi Pandi said "go" and by the way, Badger Redd, even in front of these men, I'm tossing out an official "hey there, hey" your way and not just because the jeans you're wearing seem to be made exactly for you, mm, mm, mm, all the way around and up and down, so, hey there, hey, Badger Redd."

"Oh, Nathan, oh my, um, I'm officially responding to your "hey there, hey" with a favorable "hey there, hey" back, but that needs to wait because right now, there are about a bazillion women inside of the Red Dress Shop trying to balance out how high they push their booties up in comparison to how low their evening gowns are cut, so, whip these men and let's get this done! Also, I have two band aids on my head because I washed these jeans, shimmed them on and then tumbled myself in dryer while wearing them, so, um, hey there, hey, Nathan, so?"

Tee he, remember that intense time from the boat? Men!

Men, do this, men, do that! Load the truck, men! Men, unload the truck! Hey, I see you men trying to hip bump with Badger Redd! Man up, men and change Badger Redd's tires on his truck! Come on men, Badger Redd is popular now, so get with it and help promote him to Andi Pandi's number three, minus two, plus three and do it now, men! OMG, men! Well, hold up, I mean, it's not all men, right? Oh, it's always all men!

"Ahem, what, Badger Redd?"

"Oh, (snap, again with my weird babbling), um, Nathan, um, well, Nathan, I'm afraid that I'm just going to be a third wheel at the artifact ceremony after party tomorrow night, so, is that where maybe our "hey there, hey" thing starts, hmm?"