BAPU

British English spelling and grammar.

All info about British supermarkets is correct.

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BAPU

Prologue

"What the hell is BAPU?"

"I knew you'd ask that and I'm not going to tell you, but I will confirm if you guess it right. Otherwise it's a secret!"

Chapter 1

"Are you ready to try it yet Sheila? We usually do it on a Sunday morning anyway." I asked.

"Not yet Glen, I'm still considering it. We can do everything else though. Get your pyjama trousers off."

I had been angling for anal sex for a long time; a very long time. And Sheila was slowly coming round to the idea. This morning, we had oral foreplay and both orgasmed with full penetration sex; now we flopped onto our backs satisfied.

"Still as good after all these years." she remarked.

"It sure is babe. You're as sexy now as you were on our first night -- what, twentyfive years ago?"

"It's a bit more than that. A girl never forgets losing her virginity. And I want to enjoy losing my anal virginity too. I'm almost ready to take the plunge. I've already bought some special lubricant."

I laughed.

"So have I!"

Chapter 2

"What are you drinking Glen? It's my shout."

"Guinness please, Larry."

I heard him at the bar: "Guinness for Glen and I'll have a pint of Greene King, Jimmy."

Jimmy smiled, and so did I; as if we'd ever ordered anything else. I think if either of us requested ditchwater and tonic, and a pint of elephant's piss -- Jimmy would still pour a Guinness and a Greene King. Larry sat across from me and there was a reverential silence while we each drained a quarter of a pint or so. Traditions observed; I spoke.

"So what makes you drag me off to The Green Man on a Tuesday night, mate?"

"It could be bad news Glen. Don't shoot the messenger."

"I'm listening."

"Does your Sheila still work at Pricesmart?"

"She does -- been there a year now. She got four days a week, part-time, the moment our Adrian got married and moved up to Manchester."

"Well my daughter May has just started there, also part-time. She wants extra money for university next September. I can finance all her education -- no problem. But she's eighteen now, and always insists on at least trying to pay her own way."

"Good for her; I haven't seen her for ages."

"No, we sent her to that expensive boarding school."

"I remember -- did she do well?"

"Very well, she's only gained a place in the London School of Economics."

"Wow! Only Oxford and Cambridge beat that."

"True, but she'll graft at the supermarket through the summer."

We drank some more.

"Anyway, May thought she recognised her, though Sheila wouldn't have recognised May - she's blossomed in the last couple of years."

"You said not to shoot the messenger; what did she see?"

"It was more what she overheard really. It's embarrassing."

"Better just spit it out then." I encouraged.

"It's that Turner, the boss. He's been bragging he can have Sheila any time he wants. He claims he's already had most of the married ones. It seems to be some sort of hobby."

"I doubt he'll get Sheila."

"That's what I thought, but May says she's been flirting and leading him on. You know how women get as they approach the menopause. My Sharon was just the same; suddenly wanted to try a black man."

I had to ask: "And did she?"

"I hope not. I put my foot down and said it would be divorce if she did. She pestered for about six months and then gave up the idea."

"Well that's all right then."

"I don't know, it still niggles at me. Towards the end of the six months, her company sent her away to London on an software update course. She was in a hotel Monday to Thursday night."

"And you think she might have strayed?"

"Who knows? The timing was right. We spoke every night on the phone. The usual 'I miss yous' and so on. She described the other attendees and sent me photos. But I checked with the hotel and they're only busy till Friday checkout. You know; all businessmen. And they confirmed they always have live music and a dance on the last Thursday. Everyone likes to let their hair down. None of these companies expect much work to be done on Fridays. It's all dishing out certificates and packing for home."

"So that was her big chance."

"Exactly; and after that week, she stopped mentioning black men. I never quizzed her about it; I preferred not to rock the boat."

"I couldn't do that with Sheila. I'd have to know."

"That's what I thought, so that's why I'm telling you now. I never looked for any more clues with Sharon, I just let it ride. But if the clues are there for you; at least now you've been forewarned."

"I appreciate it mate. Fancy another?"

Chapter 3

"So why does your Mr Turner use all these weird initials?" I asked. "What's the point?"

"OK, I'll explain. It's a precise science."

"Hang on then; I'll open a bottle of wine."

"Some items have a fixed location. They'll be the same in most supermarkets. Fruit and veg for example are always just inside the entrance. It gives the impression that this is the place to shop for everything fresh. The deli, meat, fish and dairy -- are always across the rear. They need frequent refills from the store rooms behind them,"

"Yes, I've noticed that. It makes sense.

"The bakery is always located in the corner farthest away from the entrance."

"That doesn't sound very convenient." I said.

"It's not supposed to be. It's the item that most shoppers come in for -- especially now all the private bakeries have been forced to close. So they put the bread in the most inconvenient place. Then customers have to walk past a few thousand items on the way to pick it up, and back to the checkout. Surveys show that on average a customer who intends to buy just a loaf of bread -- leaves the supermarket with three or four other items."

"That's pretty clever."

"And did you know they don't vent the bakery hot air to the outside?" Sheila went on.

"Where does it go then?"

"Ducts take it to the front entrance. So when you walk in it hits you and you think 'Mm, I love the smell of fresh bread.' And you go and buy some; whether you intended to or not."

"And pick up other stuff on the way,"

"That's right."

"This is all very enlightening, but what about the labels?"

"In the staff canteen, there's a huge board showing the layout of the whole store. The labels are stuck on that. It doesn't need to show where the fixed items are, like the veg and dairy, only the movable stuff."

"Why would you want to move stuff?"

"It's to keep the customers on their toes. Make them walk down as many aisles as possible."

"I get the picture." I nodded.

"If you want them to think they're getting a bargain, you remove the items from the shelves and dump them in a circular cage at the end of the row; we call them tubs. That's where we put BOGOF and WIGIG."

"Ah, I know Buy One Get One Free, but what's WIGIG?"

"When It's Gone, It's Gone." she explained. "Think Christmas cards in January and Easter eggs after Easter. Of course, we don't show the shoppers our acronyms. They see the sign with the complete words."

"But you're not going to tell me what BAPU means."

"No. It's our latest one, you have to guess."

"The new one last month was PSBD." Sheila continued. "That's Past Sell-By Date. You know some places have been putting stuff out for homeless people, like food banks. Most things past their best are still edible. They come with a warning that you consume at your own risk. Pricesmart keeps ours inside, near the exit. Then customers don't have the embarrassment of looking like scavengers. They put the goods in their trolleys in the usual way -- knowing they won't scan at the checkout."

"I suppose it's better to feed hungry folk with it," I said, "rather than just chuck it away."

"You're right. Except we always used to send most of ours up to the pig farm."

Chapter 4

Larry called.

"Can you pop up the pub again mate? This time it's May, who wants to see you. She has news about 'Aunty Sheila'."

"I'd be delighted -- it's been too long."

We reacquainted ourselves and did the necessary small talk. She was looking gorgeous and I had to keep reminding myself she was only eighteen and my best friend's daughter. She gulped down her white wine long before I could finish my Guinness so I got her another. She looked nervous.

"Did you know," she said, "nearly everybody says this pub's name wrong?" she asked.

"How can anyone make a mistake with three words?"

"They stress on the wrong word. People think the man is green, so they say green MAN. But the name actually refers to the man who was employed to cut the grass in the village. We should say the GREEN man; the man who looked after the village green."

I smiled but she was looking grim.

"You're procrastinating, May. I sense you're putting off telling me what this is all about. Relax, drink your wine, and tell me when you're comfortable."

"Thanks, this is difficult."

"OK. What's the latest project at Pricesmart?"

She brightened up.

"Oh, you know about our version of the food bank."

"PSBD, I believe."

"That's the one. Well the big new idea is to allow all the customers -- not just the poor ones -- to buy returns and damaged goods; not perishables like PSBD; but clothing that didn't fit. We include household goods and stuff, and make sure any electrcal items are safe of course. It will all be displayed in tubs at the end of the aisles."

I said nothing.

"The staff joke is we should label that area SHIT -- Second Hand In Tub."

May smiled and then went serious.

"I think it's time I got to the point."

"Tell me when you're ready sweetheart. And don't worry."

"I think Aunty Sheila has agreed to have sex with Mr Turner, the supermarket manager. I heard him bragging about it. He reckons he's had most of the female staff and she'll do it if he gives her a promotion."

"How can he promote a part-timer?"

"She works Monday to Thursday, noon to five."

"Correct; I understand the perks are that she has a free lunch first, and gets paid for for the full five hours."

"That's right. He's offering her the title of part-time supervisor. She'll work till seven - an extra two hours at time and a half; 30 minutes of which will be another free meal in the canteen."

"That's more than a fifty percent increas in pay, and an extra meal. And we still get a three day weekend. I can see why she'd be tempted." I said.

"She'll be expected to go to meetings sometimes, and those extra hours would give her more opportunity to ... sorry, not for me to say."

"I told you not to worry. Yes, it's bad news. But you've come this far, and I thank you for it. If there's anything else -- anything at all -- say it now."

"There's one thing, but it didn't make any sense. He said he'd be taking her virginity."

Chapter 5

"I'm being promoted!" squealed Sheila.

"Well done you!" I enthused.

It was Monday night, and she'd just got in. My plan was to dump her as soon as I could prove her infidelity; even if I only proved it to myself. I didn't give a shit how the divorce went down. I'd take a day off when she was working and pack all her stuff and put it in storage. I'd change the locks and leave her one bag of essentials outside the door. As long as I got close to fifty percent, and didn't get stung for too much maintenance, I could afford it. And if that meant police and a night in the cells, so be it. She was on her way out -- any day now. Sheila told me all the details.

"I start tomorrow; the first day of the month."

"I'll be getting my own dinners then." I said.

"Oh, I can make something up for you and leave it in the fridge. And I'll cook something special at the weekends. You can even eat out on the way home. We'll be able to afford it!"

"It's ok. I was making an observation -- not complaining."

There was no point in complaining. Soon I'd be cooking my own dinners permanently.

"So you'll be home about seven fifteen tomorrow?"

"It'll be nearer seven fortyfive. Mr Turner will give me half an hour's training; only for my first day."

"Well you make sure you take in everything he shows you. We don't want you working past seven too often."

"Of course; I don't think there's much more to learn."

I was racking my brains to think of how I was going to catch her. I'd checked out Pricesmart. It was a superstore; more of a hypermarket than a supermarket. I could never track her down in there. The shop floor was vast enough on its own. And the unseen storage areas, warehouses and offices, made it impossible. At Sheila's age she'd hardly be doing it in his car and I doubted if they would go to a hotel. So I might have to resort to a phone app or some kind of hidden recording device. No rush yet; let her dig her grave. I deserved my invasion of her anus either way.

"Well, I won't stand in your way babe. But I should be compensated with three things." I said.

"I know this will inconvenience you, so name your price."

"First tomorrow, as soon as you get home, I want anal sex."

"Agreed; I'll lube up at work before I leave."

"Second, I want to take a little movie of the first time I invade that pretty little arse."

"OK."

"And third; also tomorrow, you have to tell me what BAPU means."

"Done!"

Chapter 6

"How was your long day?" I asked.

"Wonderful!" said Sheila.

"Are you ready for your anal adventure?"

"I am. I'm sure I'll love it."

"I had a pizza by the way. So the table is not needed for anything. Lift your skirt and bend over the end."

She did. I pulled down her panties and focused the movie camera on my target.

"That's great. I can see the lube shining. By the way, I heard something interesting about your Mr Turner today. He's been bragging he'll fuck your arse before I do."

"What? That's ridiculous!"

"Well you know what? I believe him."

I took a quick movie clip of her holding open her buttocks.

"And I'll tell you why."

I showed her the clip. There dead centre was her glistening arsehole. Either side of it were her fingers, dragging her arse cheeks apart. And just above them were two labels stuck to her skin. They were red with white lettering, and both displayed the message BAPU.

"The bastard!" Sheila screamed.

"So I think I'll be giving your browneye a miss after all, because I've also found out what that stands for - Be Aware Previously Used. Go upstairs and pack!"