BDVFREE

"Yeah. He was away somewhere."

"Training. Two weeks in Brisbane. He was so shitty about that. Accused me of sleeping with you. I wish I had, at least that would have made the two broken ribs worthwhile. Shit... Haha." Her blush is deep enough to see in the pale moonlight. "Sorry. Cousin Sadie isn't the only one with a bit of crush."

"So that night." She takes a sip of wine and swishes it in her mouth staring off into the dark. "That night... He came home for tea as usual. I'd cooked spaghetti. Something simple for Penny. It's one of her favourites. We ate early and I put his in the microwave. He'd been winding up for the last week. Little things were pissing him off. I knew it was coming, just not when. Penny and I had been on eggshells for days."

"Are you okay?" I ask. Her hand is tense in mine and her jaw is quivering.

"Can I have a hug?" She stands and tears flow freely down her face. For a moment she looks so much like Penny. Just grown up and with dark hair. I see the little girl inside her who needs a safe place for a moment and gather her down onto my lap.

"Shh." I whisper into her hair as she sobs against me.

When she has settled, she continues, "He put it in for too long. He burned his tongue. I laughed. He flung the plate at me and some went on my arm and burned me. I screamed at him to fuck off and he hit me. I'd had it. I'd had enough. I looked into Penny's frightened little eyes as she shot off for her room and refused to take any more from him. I told him... I told him to do his fucking worst 'cause if I was still breathing in the morning I was gone."

"He had that baton out in a flash and the first one caught me right on the thigh. The pain was incredible. My leg buckled and I went down on the floor and tried to crawl away from him. He was screaming things at me, but I couldn't hear anything for some reason. Everything was silent. I just saw him lift that stick again and swing at my head. I covered up as best as I could and oh god it hurt. I was almost thankful when he got my forehead and everything went black."

She's heavy on my lap. She's not a big woman, just a little thing, but she's so relaxed that she is dead weight. It punctuates her story. The weight of her like this puts me back in that room with the unconscious dead weight of her as I tried to check pulse and clear her airway.

"Are you okay?" She asks me.

"I'm angry. Remembering. Feeling useless because I was right next door and..."

She nods. "I know. But you were probably too busy with Sally to hear anything." There's a cheeky lilt to her voice that breaks the sullen mood a little.

"Nah... Someone interrupted before any of the good stuff started."

Connie laughs quietly. "Sorry for cock-blocking."

"Never mind. Maybe I'll go bang on Cousin Sadie's door later."

"Don't you dare. She'll eat you up and spit you out. You're too nice for a floozy like her. You deserve... Shit."

"I deserve shit? That's quite the pep talk."

"How are you still single anyway? Penny said you're thirty-five. Are you gay or mental or what?"

"I know. It's hard to fathom. Looks of a god. Charm of a poet. Smart as a horse and hung like Einstein."

"Idiot." She cackles.

"I finished my apprenticeship as a mechanic after school and then some romantic notion had me spend my early twenties in the Papuan highlands with a team of Catholic missionaries. When I came home at twenty-six, I was just so grateful for my average existence here that I never felt the need to ask for more from life. We have it so damn good..."

I think for a moment and she allows me the time to gather thoughts when others usually prod or question. "I was with a chick for a few years. Jacinta. I thought that was the real thing but it just kind of burned out. We didn't even cry or fight when we split. It was just over. I've dated. I've hooked up. I've tried those apps, but never found a spark. I guess I believe in a little bit more than ordinary and I'm not in a hurry."

"Sappy old romantic. Get off me." She giggles as she reclaims her chair and sips at her wine.

"Do you still go to church?" She asks.

I shake my head, "It lost its flavour. Mum and Dad were staunch Cattle Ticks. They saturated our childhood with it. First communions, confirmations... Francis and I were altar boys even. Guess that's where he caught the gay." I laugh at my thoughts and she smirks. "So, around thirty somewhere I just got burned out with it. I was sitting in Church one Sunday and they were going on about knowing a tree by its fruit and I knew I was done. I mean what kind of God creates this much suffering so he can redeem us? If he was a tree, he'd be an oleander. Pretty flowers here and there but toxic to the core. Watch the news if you ever want to understand my doubts."

"Roger wouldn't let us go to church. I knew it was because he didn't want me around people. He always kept me away from people who might want to help. He was like that, separate us and control everything." She looks off quietly into the dark as she sips her wine. "I prayed and prayed for a way out. For a way to simply be DV Free. Even if it meant staying with him after I realised that I didn't love him anymore. To just be free of the domestic violence was something I prayed for every other moment. And it never came. You know the worst thing, that night?"

I shake my head. "Most of it was pretty much the worst, Connie."

"After I blacked out, I could hear everything again. I couldn't move or talk or anything, but I could hear. I heard little Penny crying and trying to get me to wake up. I heard Roger walking back and forth talking to himself and then I heard the gun shot. I thought for a moment that he'd shot Penny or maybe me even. The pain was all gone so I just sort of floated there listening. I just thought, where was my god in that moment? Then I heard you. I knew I'd be okay. I knew Penny was safe. You were there."

"As useless as I was. Hardly an answer from heaven." I fill our glasses again and watch the stars twinkle knowingly, like they have some idea about where this conversation was heading. "I can't believe the cun- I can't believe he tried to say you took his gun."

"It makes sense. He knew he'd crossed a real line that time. In the past I'd gone to the police about him, but they just swept everything away. This time there were injuries he couldn't cover up. The only reason he could justify that kind of injury was if I was threatening him with grievous bodily harm or death. So, he shot one into the floor and drove himself to the station where he cried and told them all a giant lie. Lucky Uncle Greg is a good lawyer."

"I saw the court news a couple of times and there was a thing in the paper."

"No evidence to support his story. My prints weren't on his gun and my injuries corroborated my version of events. The detectives said there wasn't enough evidence to charge him though and just took out a protection order against him. Ha. He's driving a desk in Brisbane now. That will mess with his head so hard."

She's quiet for a little while. So am I. It's a horrible story and it brings back the night. I remember standing there panicking and now I know she could hear. Jesus.

"Can I ask a question?" She looks pointedly at me.

"Apparently." I cheek her.

"Ha. Ha. Funny man. Why did you come?"

"I was terrified. Penny was talking about blood everywhere and you wouldn't wake up. It-"

"Shh. Shh." She pats at my face. "Shh. This weekend. Why did you come? My Party."

"Oh."

"You were always very kind to me. Leftovers. Do you remember?"

"It was nice to have someone appreciate my cooking." She smiles at me and I'm remembering all the times I spoke with her at the fence and gave her back the cleaned containers.

"And my washing. You always took it in if it looked like rain. You fed my cat's if I was away for the weekend... And I... worried. I worried for little Penny too. I had to know you were alright."

"And do you?"

"You've healed. Not that though. You've got good family. You look happy. Well not at the moment but this afternoon. I'm happy for you."

"Why do you care even?" She seems sincere, not creeped out.

"I don't know. I just do."

"Good."

We sit and listen to the mosquitoes for a while. Each lost I suppose in our own thoughts. I'm fighting tiredness. With the long afternoon and the brilliant food, the wine and the heavy conversation, my bed is calling loudly.

"So." She breaks our reverie.

"So?"

"So, I've decided I like you. I think you like me too. Penny adores you. My father showed you his toys. My mother... Eww... She needs Jesus. Potty mouth letch she is."

"Ah, okay."

"I'd like to go on a date with you. See if there's anything romantic there. It's not some rebound thing. I always liked you. It's been months now and honestly I was over that relationship years ago."

"Is this how you ask blokes out? Cause it's kinda weird." I tease.

"Shut up, you love it."

"So where are we going?"

"That's your job. You have to work out where and when. I just have to show up and look pretty."

I nod and smile. My heart is actually doing a little jumpy trampoline thing.

"You'll have no trouble with that. I'll get right on it, Connie."

"Good. Now I have another creepy kind of favour to ask."

"Shoot."

"Can I sleep with you tonight?"

I just stare a bit. I'm positive she means sleep not sex. Perhaps she has-

"The nightmares. Maybe if you hold me, I can get a good rest. Is it too weird?"

"Um. No. If you think it's okay. Your folks?"

"Blue, Dad smoked pot in front of you. Mum wants me to marry you, have crazy monkey sex on the lawns and give her twenty grandkids. I don't think they'll care. Cousin Sadie may be a little miffed." She giggles.

"Penny?" I ask. I couldn't stand to see the little girl confused or hurt.

"Oh." She looks suddenly thoughtful. "She's in my room. She'll be... If I'm not there, she'll."

Then she's crying again. "I... just for one night. To sleep and feel safe."

"Go get her."

"What."

"It'll calm Cousin Sadie if she thinks we couldn't do the crazy monkey business because a kid was in the room."

"Good point." She laughs again. "Are you sure? She kicks like a mule."

Moments later I have a snuggly little blonde bundle on one side and a snuggly larger brunette bundle on the other. Both are lost in peaceful dreams and I am simply lost. I have no hands on my cosmic steering wheel and it feels good in a scary way.

I worry that there is a dependency underlying Connie's attraction to me but the smell of warm skin and two pretty ladies in my bed lulls me eventually off to sleep.

~*~

This is to be our sixth or seventh date. Sixth, if you don't count the kid's birthday party that Penny insisted I attend along with her mum, and Seventh if you do. For our first date, I took her to the RSL in town. I've always loved the reef and beef and they have a good buffet. By the end of the night my face ached from smiling and laughing. Every date since has been the same.

Our second date was dinner at her place. She cooked a simple meal of lamb chops and fresh vegetables and her parents shared the meal and the mood. We laughed and shared our stories long into the evening and I slept again in the guest room with my two favourite ladies.

Since that date we've tried to include little Penny in our plans. She gets royally miffed if she's left out of the dressing up and going to dinner or elsewhere. Oh, if you count Church this will be our tenth date. Connie invited me along to her church. It's a protestant church, but I find myself enjoying the cadence of the ceremony and the peaceful space. They have better music, and their sermons are a lot more contemporary and socially motivated than my remembered Catholic experience. I really enjoy the fellowship of the morning tea that follows each service and love how Connie and Penny glow with the feeling of belonging.

This weekend I've booked a nice unit in Mooloolaba for us all. Our last few dates have ended with some quite furtive petting which she has always reluctantly ended.

"Not yet. I'm sorry. I want to. Just trust me and be patient."

We're sitting beside the motel pool watching Penny splash in the shallows. The drive was long, so we chose to spend the afternoon relaxing and to explore tomorrow.

"Here." She hands me a large yellow envelope. "Read."

Inside I find some blood test results, a couple of scripts, some information pamphlets and STI screens. I'm frowning as I look them over and I can see her looking sideways at me behind her sunglasses.

"This is really emotional and shameful for me. I'm just going to be matter of fact. You're just going to be you, which is usually chilled and sweet..." She looks at me a long while through sad eyes. "Okay?"

I nod and she continues, "While I was in hospital, they ran a bunch of blood tests. The clinic contacted me not long after my thirtieth party and called me in for more screening. I'm supposed to contact Roger and tell him."

The first STI screen lists something called Trichomoniasis and Gonorrhoea.

"They gave me an injection and I've had two courses of antibiotics to take. Apparently, the infection was resistant to the first lot. The blood test is the worst though."

The second STI screen is clear and dated a week ago. The blood test results are confusing.

"This must have been really..." God what a fucking mess for her. First her injuries then finding this stuff out. No wonder she's put an end to our rising passion each time.

"Thanks for being patient... I couldn't tell you. I knew I should, but I felt like dirt."

"All clear now though hey? And what a fucking low pig. Are you going to contact him?"

"I'll post him a doctor's letter. It's more than he deserves. Thanks."

"What for?"

"For assuming straight up that 'he' gave it to 'me'. Here." She takes the blood test that I'm trying to decipher and runs her finger down it. "Herpes simplex one. That's the real kicker. I thought I was just struggling with really bad thrush and a mild fever. Nice going away present. Three-inch scar on my forehead, my arm was broken in three places and Herpes to remind me for the rest of my life."

"There's no treatment?"

"Nope. They gave me some anti-viral stuff initially and that helped a bit but all I can do now is use a little Zovirax cream."

"Jesus. You poor thing."

"Ahuh. Weird thing is he even gave me the wrong sort of herpes. He just couldn't do anything right. Simplex one is what you usually get around your mouth. Simplex two is the one you're supposed to get downstairs. The doctor said simplex one is usually less recurrent in the long term and not as highly contagious. Yay me..." She drips sarcasm.

"This must be so hard to-"

"You have no idea. I've started to tell you a dozen times and lost courage."

"So, what now. Is this... Are you breaking up-"

"Hell no, idiot." She laughs and shakes her head. "No. I just wanted you to know. I'm not active at the moment and I packed a twelve pack of condoms. I was kind of hoping to use a few of them. But you know... You had to know. I couldn't forgive myself if I passed it on to you, without you understanding the risk."

"So, these last few times..."

"Yup. I went home and cried every time. I wanted you so much. I was so ready. But I couldn't tell you this dirty thing about me."

"It's not dirty." I sound cranky and shake my head to clear that feeling of anger for her. "It's... mean and... Fuck him. Just fuck him."

"That's probably what did it in the first place." She sighs defeated. "And now I have a permanent reminder of my stupidity."

"So cruel."

"You're not worried for you?" She asks.

"Me?"

"If we start a sexual relationship, there's a chance. Even with condoms and even when I'm not active. It can shed through the skin without symptoms sometimes. I'm so disgusted with myself. I feel dirty. You know before Roger, I'd only slept with a couple of men; my high school boyfriend and Penny's father. And now I have some slut's disease."

"What's wrong mummy? Why are you crying?" Penny has returned and is towelling off beside us.

"Oh bub." She helps her daughter dry off, "I finally found something really nice and I'm afraid that I could lose it. Come on. You need a shower and I need a nap."

"Shouldn't you just be happy that you found a nice thing?"

"You're a smart little girl. We'll see." Over her shoulder, she gives me a defeated smile and says, "Go think things through. Give me a little while okay?"

~*~

I do my best thinking while I'm moving. Wandering the boardwalk along the spit, I try really hard to think what I can do for her. What does she even want? Clearly, she wants a sexual relationship but is concerned for me. What happens if I get it?

Well, my phone answered that question for me. I sat high in the dunes listening to the crashing waves and google searching like a porn addict. The porn was really bad. The images in my research were quite disturbing. Eventually, the rabbit hole led to a support forum for Herpes positive people. That was where I found my answers.

These courageous people shared their own varied experiences of the disease and their own stories of relationships. Some were terrible. Some uplifting. What I took away from it mostly was that it was quite painful initially, decreasing in pain and frequency over time. Some people were even asymptomatic. But they all were living with it. Living full, happy for the most part, lives.

And I knew if I took the risk and ended up with it, then I would live with it too.

I also knew my feelings for Connie had grown exponentially with the time we've spent together and more recently swelled again with her trust delivering this news. Over the last few months, I've grown to love her and Penny. They leave an empty spot in my life when they aren't around and I'm happiest when they are.

"Did you get your thinking done?" She asks nervously when I get back to the unit a cup of coffee and some cheesecake later.

"Yup."

"Well?"

"I love you." I shrug. "Have for a while now. Probably should have said something earlier but I was a bit afraid of how big it felt."

"I love you too, but you were supposed to think about the other thing."

"It doesn't matter. If you can live with it so can I. I'll take my chances, if it means I get to keep you around."

"And me?" Penny sulks.

"Of course, Penny. I love you too. You two are my favourite people."

"You love him Mummy?" She asks quite seriously, for a six-year-old.

"Lots."

"Then why are you crying again. That's stupid. Can we have fish and chips?"

So, we ate fish and chips in the park across the road from our unit and chatted and laughed just like all the other happy little people units around us. Connie looked for all the world like a massive weight had lifted from her. I just soaked up the giggles and happiness and relaxed into the breezy seaside afternoon.

Much later, Penny demanded a good night kiss and a bedtime story. I don't know how I've deserved the content smiles that Connie delivered as she watched me read 'The Gruffalo' twice and do the voices as Penny insisted but I felt a long, long way from the lonely single man I'd been many months ago. I've no idea what giant wheel set itself in motion to bring me to this place, but I'm glad I'm here.

I'm comfortable around the girls in my boxers these days. So, I'm sitting in them on the lounge watching some nonsense crime show when Connie returns from the bathroom.

"Little lady is asleep."

"She had a big day."

"We all did."

"Oh." I still feel pretty heavy for her and the nasty lot that bastard cast upon her.

"Hey." She waits until I lift my eyes to her smiling ones. "No pressure. Sit with me a while on the balcony. It's lovely and cool out there."

The balcony surprises me with a little tray of crackers and dip. There are two glasses of white wine and a bucket with the bottle and ice in it.