Beautiful Gifts, Small Packages Ch. 06

"That's... complicated," he muttered. "You're good at it though," he told me with a slight blush to his cheeks.

I smiled then, feeling more hopeful than I had in a very long time.

*******

~Christmas~

Riley's Pov:

I was just putting a load of dirty dishes in the dishwasher when Aaron, Thomas's little brother, walked into the kitchen.

"No offense Riley but your Tom's weirdest friend. I've never seen one of them do housework before."

I blushed a little at the criticism but smiled, "You're family is so kind to let me stay here. It's the least I could do."

He shrugged, "Mom would have helped you without all this. Actually, I think you're driving her a bit stir crazy. She likes having things to do at home during the holidays since she's always at work."

His phone vibrated and he looked down at it before leaving the room without another word to me but I wasn't surprised. That kid lived on his phone.

I walked back to my room to wait for Thomas since his dad and him had gone to pick up last minute Christmas gifts. I missed him any time he was gone in a way that I never had before the halloween kiss. Then, after everything that had happened at Thanksgiving, something about my relationship with Thomas had changed, at least for me. I was relieved to find out that he wasn't avoiding me and that I'd been so wrong about everything. I was glad to have my friend back and now I felt closer to him than ever. That was a problem. This was because, all month, ever since thanksgiving, I'd actually been considering the idea of dating Thomas, for real. Due to the fact that we were friends again and because we were on winter break and I was staying over, we'd been hanging out regularly without the group. At times we'd go to the arcade or rent a funny movie and watch it on the big screen at his families house. Sometimes we'd just play board games or hang out with his family, other times we'd do our own thing but in the same room. I even saw him every morning with puffy eyes and messy hair and each time I was overtaken by how attractive he was.

His family seemed to really like me too, which I loved, and while I was grateful that they were so kind and welcoming and I appreciated their hospitality for letting me stay while school was out, seeing Thomas so often was starting to mess with me. Knowing that he didn't regret the kiss, to the point that he had kissed me again, and knowing that he had genuine feelings for me had tricked my brain into feeling like he was my boyfriend, even though he kept his promise and hadn't kissed me again after the hospital. Spending so much time together didn't exactly help things and neither did the fact that he'd rescued me. I found myself fighting the desire to kiss him again, knowing that if I did it, I'd have to mean it. I couldn't just lead him on.

Fo I had meant it when I agreed there would be no more kissing unless I wanted things to become more. Thomas was my closest friend and I didn't want to hurt him. But what if... what if I wanted to change my mind? Could he actually care about me, even after he saw me naked?

I was beginning to grow frustrated with myself. I wanted to trust Thomas when he said he wanted to be together. I wanted to believe that nothing could change how he felt. I also knew that I would never know for sure unless I gave things a real shot but I was so scared. I'd already gone through not having Thomas in my life as much and I had hated every moment of it. I'd been sad and miserable and nothing could make me feel better because I'd lost him. I didn't want my physical short comings to push away the man I'd fallen in love with but I was tired of not trying to be with him. What if he really did have real feelings for me and I was just waisting time making us both miserable and unhappy?

I wished I could talk to someone about it but I was still so pissed at Scott for deleting my texts and removing the coffee cup from in front of the door. I knew Thomas was probably right, he was just being a protective friend. The thing was, it had hurt me so much to think the halloween kiss had destroyed my friendship with Thomas and Scott had let me believe that it had. I couldn't easily forgive that.

I heard a knock on the spare bedroom door that Thomas's parents had let me borrow.

"Hey Riley, everyone is going to church for the Christmas Eve candlelight service, would you like to join us?" His mom asked.

I bit my lip, feeling uncertain. Church had never been a place I felt safe in. My own had basically disowned me when everyone found out that I was gay and I hadn't stepped foot inside another since.

"This service is one of Thomas's favorite things about Christmas. My boy is definitely one for tradition. I bet he'd love for you to join us," she continued, giving me a knowing smile.

I blushed, feeling caught by my obvious feelings for her son but also also grateful that she seemed to be so accepting of me. It was nice having parents that liked me. I'd never met my ex boyfriend's parents, not that Thomas was my boyfriend, and my own would have never welcomed any guy I wanted to date.

But he could be your boyfriend, my thoughts whispered. Maybe more than a boyfriend... I shook my head a little, trying to dispel the flood of romantic thoughts that filled my brain. I was definitely no where near ready to be thinking about rings and weddings. I needed to get a grip and focus.

"What should I wear?" I eventually asked, knowing I really didn't have church clothes.

"What you have on is fine hun. God sees past all of frills and finery anyways. We'll be leaving in an hour," she replied before leaving me to get ready.

I scowled in the mirror as I looked at myself. I was wearing black, baggy sweatpants and a grey tshirt that had a hole in it. She couldn't be serious. Go to church in this? Mrs. Smith looked like she had stepped out of a Christmas card but she would be fine with me wearing this? Absolutely not. I quickly grabbed my phone and texted Thomas.

Me: Are you back yet? I need help. I'm in the bedroom.

A couple minutes later Thomas knocked on the bedroom door to announce himself before stepping inside.

"What's up Ry?" He asked, looking incredibly sexy in a dark green suit that had a sprig of holly in the front pocket of the jacket.

"I don't know what to wear to church," I told him, a little mesmerized by how handsome he looked.

"You look fine," he told me with an excited smile. "I'm so happy you'll be joining us!"

"Ok so your mom said the same thing but you guys look amazing! I can't show up with a hole in my shirt but I also don't have anything close to a suit," I pouted. "Church makes me nervous... I just want to fit in with your family."

"Well, I'd let you borrow something of mine but then you'd be swimming in fabric," he chuckled. "But I think Aaron might have something for you. Give me a sec."

Thomas returned a few minutes later with a pair of black dress pants, a white dress shirt, a green sweater vest and tie that had a bunch of snow and Christmas presents printed on it.

"The pants might be a little long but I think it'll work," I told him as I inspected the clothes. "Tell Aaron I said thanks."

He nodded warmly, "Hey so I was wondering," he started and then bit his lip. "This isn't a date," he started again and I felt a little bit bad that he felt the need to clarify. "But I was wondering if you wanted to go for a walk after the service to look at the Christmas lights. We could stop and grab some hot chocolate on the way so it won't feel so cold," he offered, looking a little shy.

"Christmas lights huh?" I asked, a bit surprised that he wanted to do something like that. I'd only ever looked at Christmas lights when I was a kid and with my family at that. I thought it was adorable that he seemed so nervous and excited and I found myself wishing that he was asking me out on an actual date.

"It sounds fun," I finally answered as I began to take off my shirt, intending to simply change into the dress shirt he'd brought me to see how it fit.

The moment I began to peel it off I could feel Thomas's eyes on me, so I moved a little slower, making an attempt to be seductive about it. When I finally pulled the fabric up and over my head I looked him in the eyes.

Thomas blushed and I momentarily looked down, noticing the sudden bulge in his pants. He saw me looking but he didn't say a word about it. Now I was blushing. I mean, I'd hoped to get his attention but I hadn't expected him to get a boner just because I took my shirt off. It made me happy and sad at the same time. Happy, because I liked seeing that I could affect him so quickly but sad because I knew things didn't get better from here. I briefly wished I was brave enough to remove my pants in front of him. I was desperate to see if he would stay hard when he saw me but I chickened out.

When I stalled in my movements Thomas quickly backed out of the room to give me some privacy and I gave him a grateful smile in return, my heart beating a little faster than before.

When I was finally able to dress I was pleased to see that I hadn't needed to adjust anything. Which only made it slightly less embarrassing, knowing that I could fit in the same clothes as Thomas's sixteen year old brother but at least I looked like I fit in with the Smith Family and I wouldn't embarrass them.

I went downstairs just in time to be ushered out of the house by Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

"Riley, honey, do you think you could ride with Thomas since you both have plans afterwards. I really don't feel like taking the van tonight."

I was surprised to see Thomas blush at his mother's words and began to wonder what exactly his mom knew about me. Could they really be that close that he would confide in her? I wished I knew what that was like, having a parent to trust.

"That's fine," I answered softly, starting to feel like maybe I was going on a date with Thomas after all, even if he had expressed otherwise.

The ride to the church was quiet as Christmas carols played softly on the radio. I didn't know what to say, for butterflies had taken over my body. I loved being in the small space with him and a tiny part of me was so tempted to try to kiss him. I had no idea how I was going to get through, what was starting to sound like a romantic evening, with the guy I was in love with, without kissing him and giving in to my future heartbreak.

I was saved from my dating anxieties when we pulled up into the church parking lot and took a nervous breath to steady myself. I hadn't been inside a church since the kids at my youth group had found out about the rumor my ex had spread. The irony of the situation was that the church kids were even more cruel than the kids at school. I was constantly made to feel emasculated and several of the guys would refer to me as a woman. The parents only knew that I was gay and that was more than enough to earn me constant hateful glares, as if they thought I'd infect their kids with my gayness. I didn't fit what a masculine man of god should be and I paid for it.

I stopped right outside the church doors, mentally freaking out but began to relax the moment Thomas grabbed my hand.

"Nothing bad is gonna happen, I promise," he murmured as he tried to pull me forward.

"Thomas!" I hissed, feeling extremely self conscious as I looked around. "People will talk," I explained as I pointed to our hands and tried to take mine back.

"Nobody's gonna care Riley," he promised, tugging me a little so that I would follow.

"But what about.. the big guy?" I asked. Surely there had to be rules that you couldn't hold hands with another man in front of god.

"I think he already knows," Thomas chuckled. "If you want me to let go of your hand I will but you just looked like you needed some help getting through the front door."

Thomas's mother suddenly peeked her head out of the church door, "Come along boys, we saved you seats."

She didn't say word about the fact that her son was still openly holding my hand. She didn't even act like she'd noticed. I shyly stepped forward, deciding to trust that things would be okay. At the very least, I seemed to have people on my side if god decided to strike me down with a lightning bolt.

*******

Ok so it wasn't that bad. The sermon was short, maybe ten minutes, and it was about the birth of Jesus. Pretty basic stuff with the focus on giving to those around you and not a word about going to hell or the sins that would get you there. After the sermon the entire congregation sang Christmas songs and during silent night the lights went low as they passed out candles for everyone to hold. As we sang, the pastor lit his candle and then passed the flame to his wife. She in turn passed it to her children and they passed it to the couple next to them and on it went until fire light spread down the first row of chairs. The glow of candlelight kept a growing until every candle had been lit, including our own. It was beautiful and something about the scene brought a tear to my eye. I'd never felt so at peace in a church before and to me, the feeling was a gift.

After the candle lighting we sang one more song, joy to the world, and then were dismissed for cookies and hot chocolate in the lobby. I was grateful when Thomas took my hand again to steer me out of the building for, as much as I did enjoy my evening, I wasn't keen on meeting anyone. Once we were in the car he drove to a small coffee shop, insisting that they made the best hot chocolate in the world and that he had saved me from the watery version that was being given out at church. Then he drove us to where he wanted to walk.

The moment we arrived I could see why he liked it so much. The neighborhood was completely lit up, each row of houses seeming to have their own theme and story while Christmas music was playing on outdoor speakers in time with flashing lights on a row of evergreen trees that lined the side of the street. A light snow began to fall as we walked and, quite honestly, the effect of everything was completely magical.

"So, how's your sister," he asked, knowing that we had talked today to wish each other a Merry Christmas. It was hard having her live in another state now but I knew it was for the best.

"Good. She's being completely spoiled." I replied with a smile, finally able to relax a part of my mind that had been stressed since I'd graduated and left Abby alone in that house. "My grandparents are completely appalled that their son would be so awful and they couldn't believe we'd hid what was going on. They've always loved Abby. Me... not so much but that's fine. At least she's better off with them. She's excited because they told her they're getting custody over our dad."

"That was fast," he commented.

"Yeah well, it pays to have money," I answered with a shrug. It's not like he didn't know, what with his house and everything.

"You look like a weight has been lifted off of you," he continued with a smile.

It took me a minute to respond. I hadn't realized that Thomas's paid that much attention to me that he could understand could tell how relieved I was. It felt good but it also felt... I wondered how much he noticed without my even being aware but before I could let myself spiral with worry I realized we'd wandered away from the houses in favor of a small lit gazebo and when Thomas sat down on the bench inside, I followed suit.

"You look really nice tonight," Thomas complimented as he straightened my glasses for me.

Butterflies exploded in my stomach once more at his casual touch and I found myself taking his hand in mine when he started to pull away.

"Riley?" He asked when I froze, not letting go but unable do anything else.

"Would you still want to date me if we didn't have sex?" I whispered, surprising myself with what I was asking.

"We can go slow," he started.

"No. Not slow. I'm saying... if we date but never have sex... would that be enough for you?"

"Probably not... not forever. I already want to be close to you and the thought of never being that intimate... makes me sad honestly."

I nodded. I understood how he felt, more than I could even express. I didn't love the idea of a sexless relationship with Thomas either but I still couldn't fathom a world where he would want me as I was. Nobody ever wanted me as I was.

"Riley I-"

"I want to be with you," I suddenly announced, cutting off whatever Thomas was going to say. "If... if we can go slow with the physical stuff," I added on, knowing I was only trying to buy myself more time from him seeing all of me.

He grabbed both of my hands tightly in his, "I promise we don't have to get physical right away," he assured me as he looked deep into my eyes. "We can take things as slow as you need."

"Please don't break my heart," I requested and then I stood on my toes and close the distance between our lips.

"Never," he promised as I kissed him and for once, I let myself completely believe that everything had a chance at working out.

*******

After a few more kisses beneath the Christmas lights, we decided to head back to his family's house. When we arrived, he forced me to stay seated until he could walk around to open my car door for me.

"Oh, is this how your treat all your boyfriends?" I teased as I tried hard not to blush. Even though my words were playful, I cared a lot more than I let on. There was something so wholesome and sweet about what he had done and I loved it.

He smiled down at me as he offered his hand for me to take. "Not all," he murmured as he pulled me up to stand near him. "But you're pretty special," he finished as he pressed a soft kiss to my cheek. "Be careful, the pavement is a little wet from the snow," he told me as he offered his arm in support.

That made me fully blush, ruining any control I might have had. No one ever thought I was special in my whole life and my first boyfriend had definitely never treated me in any way that I'd describe as chivalry. I didn't speak but clung to Thomas's arm, feeling as if I were floating on a cloud. When we reached the front door Thomas used one hand to unlock and open it, never pulling away from me once, even though we could hear the sound of his family from our side of the wood. Thomas pulled me inside his house and my anxiety rose a little when I saw Mrs. Smith notice how we were still holding onto each other.

"Oh, so the Christmas light stroll was a good idea after all, hmm? Maybe now you'll always listen to your mother."

As much as I blushed from her comment, it was nothing compared to how red Thomas got.

"Mom, seriously?" He hissed but she only rolled her eyes and smiled, making me feel more comfortable and accepted by a mother than I'd ever felt before.

"I'm glad you don't mind," I told her, knowing how I could have never come home to my mom with a boy on my arm.

"Of course honey, you're a pleasure to have around and Tom talks about you all the time. Now, let's open some presents."

*******

~New Years Eve~

Riley's Pov:

I thought my secret would last longer than a week, even though we were dating. I really needed to stop letting Thomas talk me into going to parties that I had no business being at. I really should have learned my lesson with the very first one but my boyfriend had always been charming and persuasive. I was just an idiot for giving in over and over.

"He's probably not your boyfriend anymore, so stop calling him that," I told myself as I sniffled. I was currently doing the most cowardly thing imaginable. I was hiding from Thomas after running away, even though I knew I'd still have to return to his home when the party ended.

It had all started earlier that day. Heather had called saying that Maggie was throwing a New Years Eve party at some bar and that he should stop sulking and come. Apparently, she was even more thrilled when he told her the new developments of our relationship and invited me instantly. I didn't want to go but Thomas kept kissing on my neck, telling me how he'd love to show me off as his, and I couldn't resist his request. That's how I wound up at the worst party of my life, although I didn't know it until three hours in.