Because I Love Him

Comments and votes are greatly appreciated, even the negative. I ask that if you suggest any improvement, please be constructive about it and not rude.

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Dear diary, today I want to discuss my boyfriend. I wish people would stop questioning our relationship. Everyone wants to get involved and stick their two cents in. I just don't understand it. I know he's not great. I know he drinks. I know he loves to party.

Sometimes he hits me. And sometimes he violates me. Other times he makes me feel like shit. It's wrong. It's not okay. But I won't say anything or complain, because I love him.

I'm not a pretty girl. I'm not a Taylor Swift, Selena Gomez, or Rihanna. I'm a plain Jane. That means I don't have a lot of options. He has to be my man. I mean, who else am I going to get?

I accept the way he treats me in public, making me look like a slut of no value. I accept the fact that he sleeps around with other girls. I accept the fact that he forced me into giving him my virginity on his 22nd birthday, I was 18 at the time.

I accept it all, not because I want to, but because I have to. He wasn't always like this. When we first started going out he was so sweet and caring. As soon as I fell for him I met all five of his other personalities.

I love him. I can't help but love him. He's been through so much. His parents died when he was young so he's had it tough growing up. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses for him but I'm not.

Yeah, he cheats on me. Yeah, he's a bit abusive.

Yeah, I deserve better.

But hey, I love him. That makes it okay, right?

It's my fault. I nag him and nag him until he explodes. I deserve to be treated this way.

I wish I had met my father. I never found out who he was. My mom got around so much she probably isn't sure who my biological dad is. Moms! So overrated, they are.

My mom abandoned me when I young. I've lost count of how many foster homes I've been shifted from back and forth. No one wanted me. And when they did, they always gave me back. I don't understand it.

My mom reentered my life during my senior year of highschool before I got to where I am now, college. Despite her being an absentee presence in my life, I was happy to see her. I wanted to know her, understand her. I wanted her to give me a reason to not hate her.

I got to know my mom. That I did. My mom is one of the worst kind of women. She's so dependent on men. It's rare when she does not have a boyfriend.

That's the only thing I learned about my mom, aside from the fact that she's selfish and prioritizes herself and her man of the moment, over me.

What do you say in situations like mine? How do you cope? How do you live? I don't know, but I'm alive. My mom never told me anything good. She was always negative. There was always something I needed to fix. She didn't tell me I was beautiful.

She didn't refer to me as her little angel or baby girl like most moms did with their daughters. No, she was different. I called my mom by her name, as she preferred. Although I didn't initially feel comfortable calling her mom anyway. She didn't raise me.

She gave birth to me then passed me from babysitter to babysitter until she left for an extended time when I was in first grade only to come back during my senior year of high school.

She told me I was too thin. She said I didn't have any striking facial features. She said a lot of things to me. Like my classmates from grammar school, she was right.

As I mentioned before, I never met my father. Maybe that's why I picked an older guy for a boyfriend. He can guide me and help me be the best that I can be, hopefully.

Anyways, my boyfriend isn't perfect. He isn't faithful. He isn't kind. But that's okay because I love him, right?

I mean, things can only get better. I've been working at the local library so that I can afford a better wardrobe. Maybe he'll be nicer.

But then I think about the what ifs. What if he leaves me for another girl? What if he told me he hated me and never wanted to see me again? Or worse, what if he loved me to death?

No he wouldn't do that. He would never try to kill me. That makes it okay. I'm not dead, I'm alive and able. So what if our relationship isn't like most couples. It's okay, because I love him.