All Comments on 'Becky and Robbie Ch. 01'

Great intro! I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the story.

Love it. This is a great beginning. Please continue to write more of this story.

You have my attention

i really enjoyed the start of your story. cant wait to read more of your writting. only hope that it wont be to long before you give us another chapter. thank you

HARD TO BELIEVE THIS IS ONLY FICTION. YOU HAVE A GIFT. SHARE IT WITH THE WORLD!

I can't wait to read the rest of the story. This was a great intro.

The ages in this story do not add up, his younger sister is almost 18 “just entering the category of a class A teen hottie” and he “I soon learned how to jack myself off.” wow talk about late blumers at 18 or 19 he discovered masturbation?, and ” had never noticed girls at all, but that all changed the summer that this story took place”

Where are they living? In a convent?

And who swims in ”she always wore cutoffs and some baggy top that pretty much hid her body from everyone.”

I don’t think it is a crime to write a realistic story with 14-16 year olds or half the posters on this site would be in jail

I think the story itself is a great idea, but that the writing needs a lot of work.

-You keep changing between past and present tense... pick one and stick with it.

-You got many details right... for a fourteen year old. Most of the story seemed like it was written about younger teens and then only the ages were changed at the last minute.

-You repeated the same details multiple times, over and over. You need to pick one.

-This may be the most important... read the story aloud to yourself. If it sounds awkward to say, it's a safe bet that it will be awkward to read.

-You need to keep the names consistent... is it Abby or Abbie?

Basically I'd love to see a rewrite on this story and I look forward to it. :)

The others might be right but I liked the story it has great prospects

Love the story so far, love that you have already got them both to see they love the other...

Please please PLEASE don't let this be another angst story where true love does exist, but virginities are taken by wrong persons or even worse raped... Let them be each others first and only :)

I don't know if and when I'm reading past or present tense. If you took the time to write your story out, it would have gotten more than a 4/5 rating from me.

You`re writing in the first person. You simply cannot tell us how someone else feels, sees, tastes, and so on. It`s like you telling me what I`m thinking right now. Anyway good start.

A PRETTY GOOD START TO A NICE STORY. I HOPE THIS IS A STORY WITH SOME SEX, AND NOT SEX LOOKING FOR A STORY. THE BUILD-UP IS FIRST RATE SO FAR.

WELL, I FINISHED THIS STORY AND I HAVE TO SAY "DON'T BOTHER". IT'S A WASTE OF TIME. FIRST, IT TURNS INTO A FUCK FEST BY TURNING THE HOME INTO A HOUSEHOLD OF ORGIES. THERE WAS A PROMISE OF A STORY BUT I GUESS THE AUTHOR LAST TRACK OF IT. SO DO YOURSELVES A FAVOR AND STOP HERE. THE AUTHOR REALLY DOES'NT HAVE HER HEART INTO THE STORY AS EVIDENT THAT THIS IS HER LAST STORY AND MADE A QUICK EXIT HERSELF.

Continuity error! You described the little sister Jenny and her girl friends as all being 18 years old, and then a few sentences later, you made a statement about Robbie and Rebecca having been born 18 years ago. You should organize your thoughts in an outline and fix your character's time lines before you actually start writing the story. I'm enjoying the plot so far though. I gave this chapter a 3.