Beginning Again Ch. 02

"Mac?"

"Yeah." His voice was low, cautious.

"What...happened..." she trailed off, trying to make sense of what had come over her. Her cheeks were wet with tears. She couldn't have been crying. She never cried. She knew from experience that tears brought neither mercy nor reprieve.

"Don't know. One minute you were fine, next thing I know you're flipping out."

"I don't remember what happened."

"I had to drag you up three flights of stairs, kicking and screaming. I'll be lucky if no one calls the cops. I tried to shut you up as best I could." He sounded annoyed.

"I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

"Nadja, are you on drugs?"

"What?"

"Drugs," he said, his tone hardening, "I'm on parole. If they find out I'm living with some kind of addict..." He let the thought hang.

What had she done? How had she messed things up now? What could she say that didn't make her sound like a crack whore or a crazy woman? Maybe she WAS a crazy woman. Had her sanity finally deserted her?

Despair threatened to pull her down. There was no way she could make this work, no way to keep up the illusion. Mac wasn't stupid, and the more she tried to cover her flaws the more obvious they became.

He got off her and helped her to the couch, then brought her a glass of water.

"I'm not on drugs," she said quietly as she accepted the drink. She'd heard that some pimps kept their girls hooked to make them more pliant. Aden would never have thought to waste the money on her. She shivered again at the thought of him.

"Good to hear," he said. Did she hear doubt in his voice?

"No, really. I never..."

"I believe you," his voice sounded more convincing this time, and she let it drop. "Just sit there and relax. I'll get dinner." She heard him move to the kitchenette.

She tried to calm herself but the anxiety was stubborn and came from two different sources.

She was starting to lose Mac's interest, she was sure of it. Instead of helping him she was becoming a burden and a headache. Her body was a novelty to him now but this wouldn't last forever; if she couldn't offer anything more substantial than that, she'd be out on the street.

More than that, she was losing her mind – the one thing in her life she'd always been able to rely on. Fear of Aden and Gammage had seeped in and made her a prisoner in Mac's tiny apartment. Her mind's betrayal took away her foundation and cast everything she was trying to do in doubt. How could she hope to turn things around with Mac if she couldn't trust her own brain?

Conversation over dinner was sparse. She didn't want to say anything to Mac until she could be sure it would improve her standing in his eyes. She weakly suggested that she'd be happy to wear whatever he picked out at Wally's and that he could do the shopping without her, but he countered that without her he'd be unlikely to get the right size or fit. A valid point for which she had no reply.

They retired early, Mac to the bed and she to the couch. He needed his sleep to be fresh for his job hunt the next day and pointedly suggested that a few extra hours of rest might do her some good too. They did their washing and tooth brushing without a word to one another.

She was losing him.

She lay awake on the couch, mind working furiously and panic slowly rising. She started conjuring up disaster scenarios in her mind, imagining how Mac would ask her to leave. 'You're a great girl but things just aren't working out'. Or maybe 'you need more help than I can give'. What would she do? She'd end up begging on the streets until another pimp claimed her. Or the police deported her. Or until Aden found her...

She sobbed unexpectedly and felt tears leak down her cheeks. Crying, again? What was going on? She tried to hold it together but she felt her control slipping.

"Nadja?" Mac's voice seemed loud in the quiet apartment.

"I'm fine," she said, sniffling and wiping her eyes.

"Come here." It wasn't a question. Nadja rolled off the couch and approached the single bed reluctantly, expecting to be admonished for keeping him awake.

"Yes?"

"Get in," he said gruffly. She heard shuffling as he made room for her in the single bed.

Relief washed over her and, strangely, gratitude. A night on the couch, alone with her dire thoughts, might have broken her. Spending it in bed with Mac sounded so much better. She'd only known him a couple of days – how had she come to need him so much already?

She started to slide into bed, then thought better of it and first pulled off her shirt and track pants. She heard a quiet groan of approval as her naked body pressed against him, her back against his well-muscled front.

His warm hand reached around her and rested against her stomach and it felt so good against her skin. She took his hand and slid it up to her chest; she needed him to know that her body belonged to him. He took the offer and gently rolled and stroked her nipples. She pressed back against him and delighted in the heat of his body. It felt reassuring, soothing and protective.

"I know what it's like," he said, his voice a whisper in her ear.

"Hmm?"

"To lose control. Kind of a helpless feeling. Your body is doing something and your brain can't stop it."

She was silent for a while, not knowing what kind of response he was hoping for. He was right, it had been a helpless feeling, and terrifying. But somehow, lying in Mac's embrace, she felt braver. She took a deep breath.

"It's Aden...my pimp. Just the idea of him being out there scares me."

She'd told Mac last night about her past in general terms and he knew who Aden was. She hadn't mentioned Gammage, worried that exposing the ugly innards of a life of prostitution would only make her seem more pathetic. She couldn't afford that – better to gloss over the worst parts. She was fighting an uphill battle for his respect as it was.

"Sounds like a good reason to be scared."

"Mac, if he ever finds me..." she shuddered. He pulled her tighter against him in response.

He was muscular and warm. It felt good to be close to him in bed. She tried to settle more deeply into his body. It was a new thing – seeking to be touched – but everything about it felt right. Mac's hands were welcome.

"We'll make sure that doesn't happen," he said, and he sounded so certain that Nadja dared to believe him.

They lay together in silence for a few minutes, his fingers idly stroking her. Then she wiggled her naked bottom against his briefs in invitation and he groaned in response.

"Will you let me apologize properly for my bad behaviour tonight?" she said in a low voice.

"I bought condoms today," he said. She took that as a 'yes'.

"And lube?"

"Yeah, just like you asked. Why did you want that?"

"So you can have your choice; wet pussy...or tight ass." She reached behind her and slid her hand down the front of his underwear. His cock was hard, hot and throbbing in her palm.

"If I wanted ass I could have had that in prison."

She was quietly relieved to hear the disdain in his voice; anal sex was painful at best, torturous at worst. And too often, she'd experienced the worst.

"Where are they?"

"Still in a bag on the floor by the door."

"Be right back," she said, sliding out of bed and making her way to the front door.

A quick feel of the floor located the shopping bag, and she took it with her to the washroom. She stepped into the bathtub and ran the water as she found the small bottle of lube and the box of condoms.

Her routine was well-established. She splashed warm water between her legs and dabbed herself dry with a towel. With practiced efficiency she applied the lube to her fingers, rubbed it over her inner folds and gently slid slippery fingers into her pussy. Things would be fine after he spent a minute or two inside her, but the first few thrusts would be dry and painful without lubrication. She got out of the tub and washed her hands in hot water, then opened the box of condoms and tore one packet off the strip. Fully prepped and equipped, she made her way back to the bed.

She knelt by the side of the bed and found his erection with her warm hands, and then with her mouth. He'd removed his briefs during her short absence. His scent, the feel of him inside her mouth; both were becoming familiar.

Not just familiar – anticipated.

His cock wasn't too large and wasn't foul-smelling. He wasn't brutal or aggressive. His touch wasn't painful. Even his words were kind, most of the time. She mentally renewed her vow; she wouldn't do anything to mess this up. Mac was better than she deserved, better than anyone she'd had in her life for years. She would make this work, whatever it required of her.

She was only a minute into her oral service when he moaned and gently pushed her head off his cock.

"I've got to have your pussy," he said. She could hear his harsh breathing, the lust in his words. It thrilled her that she could make him feel that way. "Do you want to be on top or on the bottom?" he asked.

He was giving her a choice? Usually men came to her knowing exactly what they wanted, often in minute detail.

"Top," she whispered. There was eagerness in her voice – had she faked it or did she actually feel it? She didn't know, and at that moment it didn't matter. She tore the condom packet with her teeth and rolled the latex sheath onto his cock, then straddled his waist.

His hands found her breasts immediately, squeezing them more passionately than before, tweaking her nipples hard – but not too hard. She felt his strength, his urgency, his need. It felt good to evoke those feelings in him, to give back to the man who had saved her. To secure her place in his life.

She slowly eased his erection into her pussy part-way, then out, then in again a little farther. The condom was lubricated too and there was no pain at all when she lowered herself completely onto his cock, forcing a gasp from deep inside him.

She called up a wanton moan, bit her bottom lip, closed her eyes; playing her part perfectly. Making it as good for Mac as she could.

"Feels...incredible," he whispered. His voice was layered with wonder, passion and gratitude. Nadja imagined his eyes on her naked body. Hungry, devouring her as she slowly rocked up and down on his shaft. She liked being the centre of his attention.

When Mac's fingers became too rough with her left nipple she raised those fingers to her mouth and licked them. Sucked them into her mouth and moaned as her tongue laved them eagerly. She lowered her own hand to her left breast and began cupping it and squeezing it in a lewd display, all the while pushing her sex down onto his cock again and again. Gasping, whimpering, then mewing pleas for him to hear.

"Mac...please...cum for me. Shoot inside me. Make me yours."

He was bucking his hips, meeting her down-strokes with powerful upward thrusts of his own. With her knees on the mattress to either side of his waist she could control the depth of his penetration and take some of the force out of his push. There was no pain, only a sense of fullness and friction and heat. She welcomed it, welcomed him.

With a strangled grunt he stiffened and came. His thrusting became erratic and then slowed. She rode him throughout his orgasm, breathing sexy 'ohs' and 'ahs' whenever he pushed into her deeply.

When she was sure his spasms had fully subsided, she raised herself and let his cock slide out of her, then lowered herself to her knees next to the bed. Nadja held his cock with one hand, deftly slipped the condom off with the other, then engulfed his softening cock in her hot mouth.

"Jesus! You're killing me," he groaned, and stroked his hands through her hair as she licked and sucked him tenderly. When all trace of his orgasm had been carefully cleaned away she knelt back with her bare ass resting on her heels and made smoldering eyes in the direction of his face.

"I hope you accept my apology," she said in a low, suggestive tone, "and if there's anything else I can do to make it up to you, just name it."

"Please misbehave every night," he gasped, then chuckled. She giggled as well, then crawled back into bed with him. His arm came around her again and hugged her tight to him, and even though his chest was a little sweaty, the feeling of closeness was wonderful.

And it wasn't just the closeness that felt good, she realized. The sex had been...pleasant! Not arousing – never that – but fun and powerful and intimate and...meaningful. He was a good enough man, and she'd made him happy. For the first time in four years, she felt glad to have used her body to please.

And for the first time in four years, she drifted off to sleep with the hint of a smile on her lips.