Behind the Scenes Ch. 11

'I'm... sorry. You're right, of course. I should have reached out after they came here to Garda, but at the time I didn't know your exact location and I was not going to risk having someone look for you in case the cartel was after you as well. I might have played right into their hands and revealed whereabouts you were hiding.'

That made some sense at least.

'I wasn't hiding. That's the whole point. I'm not living my life only to look over my shoulder everywhere I go, and soon I won't have to.'

'Oh please Jasp-,Leonard, don't be so stupid. Life is not a fairy tale. Ours isn't. Do not insult my intelligence or my capability as a grandmother to know my grandson.'

Jesus fucking Christ. Here we go.

'Don't pretend that your "hiding in plain sight" strategy was anything other than a wild, unrealistic and blind grasp for a fantasy life where everything comes together and works out perfectly fine.'

'So what?!' Who was she to judge me on this? 'It's the perfect plan! I didn't just come up with it and started it off on a whim! I thought about it a great deal and worked out the details like I'm supposed to. Like you taught me! "What can go right, what are the chances it will? Throw those thoughts away and think of everything that can go wrong, assume they will and start from there." I did all that, and I decided I could live with what could go wrong. How else will I ever even come close to living instead of surviving?' I presented.

I knew it was pointless, but I went on. 'I decided that this was the only way I could even be remotely happy or even slightly carefree. To go full-tilt and be daring, maybe even challenging towards them. Not just to hide in plain sight, but to do it tenfold, where everyone would see me and know me and recognise me everywhere. Then how could they ever get to me and get away with it?'

Still, it was quiet.

'What? You don't want to admit it's a good plan? A better plan than yours? To just keep our heads low and live our lives as half a person? Hidden and scared?' No. 'I won't.'

A small sigh came from the plastic burner phone in my hand as I clutched it to my ear. I looked out over the Thames, still grey and peaceful. Like her. I couldn't deny that, now that we were talking, I realised I had missed her. A lot.

She had always been my rock. Unrelenting and overprotective, maybe with good reason. But a loving rock all the same. She never got angry at me, never hurt me. She always supported me and did what she thought was best.

Maybe I wasn't angry that she had contacted me again. Maybe I was angry at her for taking so long to do it.

'And your plan had nothing to do with the fact that you've always had the dream of becoming an actor? A famous one at that? Which is already an unrealistic dream for a normal boy, let alone one that's wanted by a dangerous and powerful international drug cartel. That's all just a coincidence? The life you always imagined living in spite of our situation just so happens to perfectly match with your genius plan to keep yourself out of their hands forevermore? Ingenious, truly. If I had only come with something so brilliant.' She managed to sound as if she was serious, which led me to believe that for a second, she was. But true to her character, she finished, 'Then again, I was never really the type to go for the "this might be horrendously idiotic and plain stupid enough to actually work" sort of plan when it came to the question of protecting my grandson's and my own life.'

I had a mind to drop the phone into the ever-stirring water. I didn't. But I so could have.

'I'm nota boy!'

'Oh dear, to hear you say that only convinces me more of the fact that you are still. You're my boy until I decide that you're a man. Or until your decisions and actions show that you are. Which they don't... At least, they didn't at first.'

Hold on, hard reset please.

'At first they didn't? They do now?'

I could hear grandma Anne take a deep breath before she continued and explained.

'I thought it was unrealistic, reckless and foolish. But after we... fought, I realised that I couldn't keep you safe or chained to me forever... I'm old. I'm not going to be there to ensure your safety forever. When you actually seemed to get along fine, I thought I might have overreacted a bit all those years. But I knew and know that they were, and still are looking for us. Obviously, I wouldn't truly let you get out of my sight. I had Chamberlain and Morrison keep an eye on you and report back to me.'

'Chamberlain as well? I knew about Morrison, I saw him in a dance club once and figured that he was there because of you. But Chamberlain? I had no idea she was still working for you, never saw her anywhere.'

'Well, she wasn't just checking on you but also on yo-.. well never mind, she had other business to attend to and only shadowed you in Amsterdam. Morrison stayed here in London. I knew you'd come back here after you had finished your studies.' She explained.

I wasn't even pissed about Morrison and Chamberlain. I had figured gran would keep tabs on me. The force of habit.

'But we're getting of topic here.' Grandma said irritably. 'When you left London, it was obvious you would go back to Amsterdam, and it was obvious you would do it to see your friends and tell them goodbye. You'd already contacted the movie company and sent in an audition tape. I expected nothing to happen, that you would finally get some sense and use your teacher's degree to find a job and get settled in Netherlands, which is why I set up Chamberlain there. But then, to my utter surprise... you actually got the call-back from the movie's director and I knew that you would almost immediately return to London to start on the production.'

'I always told you.'

'Yes, you told me a lot of things. That you would be able to fly a broomstick and get Danique in third grade to be your girlfriend even if you were in first grade yourself. But I never expected this. How could I have?'

'Because I told you.'

She sighed. 'I underestimated you. And I'm sorry. Apparently, you're a better actor now than you were in the past. Or they just thought it was cheaper to hire someone new to the industry. Could be both.'

'Yeah thanks gran. It's the first one.'

'Anyway,' she continued. 'I started to see the bigger picture then. And I wanted to give you a chance to prove that it could actually work... However,'

'However? However what?' What else could she possibly criticise me for?

'However, thenyou decided to involve a third party.'

I was sure she didn't know. I had taken every single precaution possible to make sure no one could know. I had to force myself not to panic. If gran knew, that would be fine, no problem. But if she knew it would mean that everyone with resources comparable to hers would also have been able to find out. And the people that were after me undoubtedly had those resources.

'A third party? What do you mean?' Thew words escaped my mouth with less confidence and more hesitation than I had intended. The deep sigh on the other end of the line was therefore not a surprise.

'The boy, Leonard,' Hearing her saying my new legal name still sounded unnatural to me and her annoyed tone didn't help. 'The boy that you've been contacting every day during the course of the month. The boy that Chamberlain informed me is not just a boy, but rather an increasingly famous and talented actor who just so happens to be involved in the.. well, the film you're going to star in- Oh, for goodness sake! Do you realise how utterly ridiculous this sounds?' She was exasperated. And I could understand that. 'Jasper, who is this boy to you? At first I didn't think anything of it, but the frequency of your messages and calls with him rules out that it's nothing more than a professional relationship and- '

'Hold it! You've been listening in on our conversations?'

'No of course not, I wouldn't do such a thing. We've only been monitoring how often you contacted each other.'

I scoffed. 'Hm, I wouldn't put it past you.'

'Stop trying to change the subject. Do you understand the severity of this situation you've knowingly constructed around this boy?'

I was getting agitated. Knowingly putting Connor at risk is the last thing I would do. 'I have done everything I possibly could to make sure that no one would be able to see any connection between him and me, aside from a professional and unimportant one. And he's not a boy!'

'No you haven't!' For the first time, I heard real anger and frustration in her voice. 'You haven't done everything you could. You could have stayed away. You could have refrained from engaging in anything more than a professional relationship with him, if even that. But you didn't. You deliberately entered into something more with him, and as a result, painted a target on his back!'

What could I say?

I cursed loudly in frustration, letting the phone hang at my side for a moment and watching the grey clouds over London float slowly across the sky. Was I being naive in thinking that I could have pulled it off? That I could actually become close to someone and not endanger them in the process? Was I destined to be alone forever because of the darkness hanging over me. Had I been reckless and stupid and selfish?

I loved him. But what did that mean for him? For his family? For his safety? Had I not done enough?

I raised the burner to my head again.

'I.. I uhm..'

'I know, I know darling.'

She'd heard the crack in my voice.

'I'll end it. As soon as I get back to the hotel I'll end it and leave. Are you still in Italy now? I'll take the ferry from Dover and drive to Garda from Calais, shouldn't take me more than a day or two.'

Tears were streaming down my face now. How many times was I going to kid myself and take others down in the process? I was fucking cursed, and I was cursed all by myself. I could never, ever afford anything that would pass beyond the word "platonic". It just wasn't in the cards for me. My life was meant to be lived alone, and there was nothing I could do.

I could care less about my own safety. I'd give a long life of surviving for the chance to actually live one more day. But I couldn't put anyone else in danger. Not anymore.

In my inner despair I almost hadn't heard gran's reply.

'W-what? I didn't hear you gran.'

'I said, that's not an option you idiot.' Couldn't she give me a break?

'What do you mean? You're not in Garda anymore?'

'I'm still in Garda. But you can't leave now Jasper. What the hell do you think will happen if you just up and leave today?'

I didn't understand.

'What the fuck do you want me to do then? You just scolded me for trying to end this terrible half-life I'm forced to live, and you're fucking right! It's just how it has to be so I won't put anyone else, least of all Connor at risk for the sake of trying to live a normal life.'

Gran sighed again at the other end of the line.

'Ideally, I'd have wanted you to do that, yes. However, you passed up that opportunity once you left Amsterdam and met up with... Connor, in real life. In doing so, you have already compromised him.'

I was confused now. 'I'm not following.'

'What else is new?' she chuckled. 'Jasper darling, like I said Chamberlain has been tracking you, which means that anyone else with half a mind and a decent set of tracking skills will have been able to track you as well.'

'Yes, funnily enough I'd made that connection myself, thanks.' I spat sarcastically.

'Now, as of yet we haven't noticed any signs of anyone else who might be monitoring you. Besides, they probably would have gotten to you last night or even straight out of the airport. They've had enough opportunities already. Still, we can't be one hundred percent certain that your position isn't compromised, or that Chamberlain herself isn't being tracked.' She said all of this as if it would make clear what she was getting at.

'So?'

'So, as I said, what do you think will happen if you just up and leave now? Out of the blue? Either, they do know your position and have been following you for the past few days without our knowledge, yet haven't made a move for some reason, in which case it would be unwise to travel now, especially by yourself. Or they don't know your current position and are still searching for you, in which case it would be unwise to travel as well, right now.'

'So?! What the hell do I care? If I stay here Connor is in danger! You just shook me awake, what are you getting at? For my own safety I should stay here, no matter that I've already compromised Connor too much, he'll just be what, a fucking casualty?! That's it?'

'Just shut up and listen for one damn minute Jasper! I'm not talking about your safety! It's about Connor's. If they know where you are now, they know about you and him, and if you leave now the first thing on their list will be getting to him, not you! In the unlikely event that they don't know where you are now, and you leave, it will take them less than a day to track you down, in which case they'll know exactly where you came from, which will endanger Connor as well since the hotel you stayed at has both of your rooms registered as rented by the film studio.'

My heart dropped instantly. What could we do? What could I do?

'S-so what, what can I do. How do I keep him safe?'

'Either way Jasper, your relationship with him is already known to them, or will be soon. The fact that you took your colleague to dinner at Le Caprice on the very first day you met, and the fact that the cartel is already aware of your sexuality because of that ordeal with the boy in Brighton three years ago will not make it difficult for them to connect the dots. They'll go after Connor once they find out you're close to him in any way and they will not be holding back just because he's a public figure. You are the one they want, casualties mean nothing to them I trust you know that by now. They'll go after Connor, that's inevitable... Unless,'

'Unless what?'

'Well, I see two options. Either you stay there, continue what you were doing and become a public figure yourself which might just scare them off, at least for the time being.' She stated.

'Or?'

'Or you come here and you take Connor with you, I'll provide a fully guarded transport unit to extract you both and deliver you to my estate in Venice. You and I can't both be at Garda, that would be stupid, but I'll still want you close. Either way, you can't leave him without protection, and I can't provide him with sufficient protection if you are in another place. I don't have enough men or women that I trust so completely.'

The choice was terribly difficult, but with these being the only two options it didn't take me long to pick the first.

'So I'll just go on my merry way and act like everything's fine? I promised myself that if I was to be found out, whether by you or anyone else, I would call it off.' I wiped my tears and got my voice steady again.

'You haven't given yourself the luxury to make that decision. You put yourself and Connor in this position, and now you have to stay in it. Whatever you do, Connor is in danger because of you but the danger he's in now will be considerably more severe if you leave him there alone. I don't like it any more than you do, and I wish you would have contacted me before you thought up this elaborately idiotic plan, but this is the way it is now.'

This was my fault. All of it. I was a stupid, craving, sad, selfish idiot. And now I had endangered someone else, someone I... fucking loved.

'Sitting ducks then. That's it? We wait? I wait here with Connor, carry out the rest of my plan and just hope the fucking drug cartel doesn't have the balls to come close when they find us?'

'No, that's why I want you to pick option two, and bring Connor here to Italy. Then we can make you and him disappear and we'll see what our next move will be.' Gran sounded exasperated and a little annoyed.

No way.

'No.'

'What do you mean, no?' she asked.

'I mean, no. I'm not dragging Connor any further into this. No way. I'm not going to have him worried sick and ask him to just get up and leave his dream behind. I'm not taking him to Italy, and I'm not making him disappear and cut him off from his family and friends. Taking him away would mean complete isolation, I can't do that to him.'

'Jasper, you don't have a choice! This is life and death, and a whole lot more, might I remind you! It's not just about your life and Connor's. Or mine. They can't get to you, I can't allow them to touch you. And the only way I can be certain of protecting you and him both, is when I have you right here.'

'It's my choice. This was my mistake, and I'm responsible. It's my job to rectify it. And after what I've already done to Connor, there's no way in hell I'll turn his world upside down.' I started walking. This conversation wouldn't last much longer.

'This might have been your mistake, but you are not solely responsible. Nor are you the only one that might be harmed by it. I understand that you don't want to scare him, or hurt him. And he needs to stay with you, even if he is frightened and hates you for having lied to him, or having held back the truth. But darling, he has a right to know. You gave him the right to know the moment you decided to get close to him. He deserves to know he's in danger.'

I was only half listening by then. Walking quickly off the bridge and back to Blackfriars. I needed to go back to the hotel, and think of something to tell Connor when I got back, he'd already been suspicious after all.

'Jasper, are you listening?'

'Not really.'

'Do you realise what you're doing? You're taking another unnecessary risk! You need to tell him what's going on, and you need to explain to him why both of you need to be protected. If you don't want to listen to me, at least tell him and have him talk some sense into you if I can't!'

'I won't. What if he gets angry, or doesn't believe me and leaves himself? What if he thinks I'm crazy and talks to the studio? I can only keep him safe if I keep him in the dark, gran. I can't have him distrust me or be scared of me now. And I won't put him through something that I don't absolutely have to put him through, he doesn't deserve that.' I said.

'Yes he does deserve exactly that! He deserves the truth and he deserves to know the severity and danger of the situation you pit him in!'

'I can't gran. I can't tell him and have him worried. I don't know what he'll do.'

'Jasper listen! This is not Amsterdam. I have no connections, no people in London to protect you and Connor like I have protecting your friends in Amsterdam!'

'I have my own people in Amsterdam. My friends there are safe, I made sure of that. The cart can't lead any one of them back to me, and vice versa.'

'Yes, but that's not the case here! You're exposed here, it took me less than half a day to find you, it will take the cartel even less if they haven't already. You and Connor need to be on the same page, and he needs to have the choice to come to Italy and be safe, even if you will not come. You can't rely on the cartel's lack of daring to protect you.'

'I have to. I will not upend Connor's entire life, just because mine is. His doesn't have to be. I'll make sure of that. And if they get to me... I'll be ready for them.'

'Jasper, listen-'

'Take care gran, I love you.'

I ended the call and dumped the phone in a litter bin as I walked by.

My gran was right. About more than one thing.