Belinda Rose

I knew at that time I was mentally committed to Rose and I told Gina that. I said in other ways I was mentally vulnerable as well and Rose had found a way through my defences. I would never knowingly harm her. I have no other close lady friends and as I have spent a lifetime of setting up barriers against students with crushes; there will be no distractions.

Becoming intimate was always going to be a problem. There was her fear and my reticence from not knowing how to approach her. It began innocently cuddling on the couch as we watched some mindless TV. One night when I was visiting her she asked me to share her bed. This was a big leap. I did that. We cuddled and went to sleep spooning. I remember the awkwardness of trying to avoid touching her with my erection. I would just drape my hand over her stomach.

About the third time we slept together she took my hand and placed it on her breast. The soft feel of something so intimate sent an instant erotic shock through me. From there nature took over. I pressed my erection in an involuntary thrust into her butt crack. She responded by lifting her nightie. I 'm afraid months of restraint and the build-up of the evening caused me to lose control. Skin on skin was two much as my erection slipped down her crack lubricated by my pre-cum. I nudged it between her closed legs and broke through to be swallowed by the warmth of her waiting wetness. I was barely in when I came.

I was embarrassed and apologising profusely but she turned over, faced me and began to kiss me passionately. The barrier I had just breached heralded our new relationship.

As our lovemaking grew I was acutely aware of her trauma. I was prepared to be patient and take my time. I planned a build-up always starting with something romantic. It might be a romcom or I might cook a special meal; I thought about atmosphere; I thought about gifts.

In bed I was always the consummate slow hand, working her entire body, fondling and massaging; finding her hot buttons. Finding some sensitive response spot I would caress, kneed and lightly pinch always judging her reaction, and staying as long as she remained in the erotic zone. On reaching our most intimate moments, when it was time to enter her, the position and the penetration was always a little experimental, a little different.

One particular long night of massage, fingering and oral sex culminated in her suddenly achieving orgasm just as I entered her. We were in missionary position and felt her body shudder as her eyes flicked up into her head. It continued for more than a few seconds then she recovered herself and sat up. I was alarmed and misreading her asked her what was wrong? She looked flushed but she smiled, "Nothing wrong, my love, my sweetheart, you were just the first man ever to give me an orgasm like that. Always in the past I have had to rely on myself."

I felt a curious form of triumph. I wasn't looking for the compliment and it wasn't just the matter of giving her an orgasm. It was the words 'love' and 'sweetheart' being applied to me. That was my first ever, I was in love before, and I just entered a new realm altogether now.

Our lovemaking continued with our experimenting. We tried tit fucking. Rose developed her skills with oral sex; eventually perfecting a mean blow job. One day while we were showering, Rose asked me to take her anally. She braced herself against the wall of the shower as I soaped her arse and my erection. I pushed carefully through her sphincter. I noticed her wincing. She seemed to relax and I slipped right in. I have to say I lost sight of her in my concentration as I started to thrust.

Then I became conscious on her arse clamping on me. I opened my eyes and her face was a picture of agony. She was almost purple and her mouth wide open but there was no sound. She pushed back at me. She was hyperventilating; she pulled from me and sank to a squat holding her mouth and nose in an attempt to control her breathing. I got a towel and wrapping it around her took her from the shower, into the bedroom where she sank onto the bed.

Finally getting her breath back she told me that was the last time she would try anal. It was a step too far, she was reliving her rape.

To me Rose was my project. Eventually she moved down to share my small cottage. She actually took a couple of papers that my department offered. To help her gather confidence and prepare her to go back to teaching we both joined Toastmasters. Eventually she started relief teaching and with her papers was offered a position as a teacher specializing in environmental studies for intermediate age children.

It was then we decided to get married. It was very small ceremony. Craig and Gina did the honours as our seconds and we had a quiet dinner with Rose and our parents.

My sisters were out of the country at that time and my brother was at a conference in the States.

Married life became very normal. We remained very close, spending all our free time together. We went to a gym together, mountain biked and hiked. Outwardly she seemed to have overcome the PTSD but I knew it was still there, somewhere.

There were some things she could not talk about with me and the home invasion was one of them. It seemed that she compensated by being exceptionally open about anything else. We eventually even laughed about that night in the MG midget. She did say she was quite shocked about what I said that night and thought I was weird for saying it but couldn't remember exactly what I had said. I feigned forgetting what I had said. I didn't want to dredge that up again but I did say I had been really, really remorseful about it. I told her straight that she had broken my heart and she sincerely apologised at that but said she was young and inexperienced; I still did not get exactly why she had broken it off.

The one thing I noticed about Rose very early and that was her determination. She wasn't controlling or anything like that, but she could become quite determined about something that was dear to her. I guess that after her rape she required that determination to re-establish her libido. Of course it had its limits like when we tried anal but we did establish a very good sex life in the finish. And I always felt she applied that determination to our relationship which made it easy for me to trust her in every way.

A dark side of Rose emerged in an unfortunate conversation with my brother. She had not met him before we were married. It was a matter of circumstances because my brother and I were normally very close. Remember, he was a criminologist. It just so happened that prior to his visiting us Rose had taken part in a debate organised through Toastmasters. It was quite big deal. I was not an active part of the debate but was in the audience. The proposition of the debate was that "New Zealand should be harder on criminals and do the means of doing so justify the ends in achieving this". Rose's team took the proposition and therefore the affirmative. I was taken back about how vehement and eloquent Rose's argument was. She certainly won the debate for her team.

I was not entirely impressed because I disagreed with just about everything she said. This was so close to her trauma that I had always pussyfooted around the subject. Before then I never actually knew what her thoughts were on this. In just about every other way she was a liberal. The team had obviously well researched the topic; they seemed a close team in that regard. The problem was their evidence was largely based on celebrity opinion not actual facts. I did not challenge Rose on it knowing how touchy this subject was.

Interesting to note was the dynamic between Rose and the team leader, Adrian Wilson. I had never seen her that close with another man. I didn't know whether to think it was a good thing or a bad thing. We had our first discussion on the subject of fidelity after that debate, but Rose passed it off as me just being jealous.

The tragic outcome to this was the unfortunate mentioning of this debate to my brother. I think Rose expected my brother, the criminologist, to agree with everything she said but being the academic he was; he demolished every part of her argument with actual evidence.

Rose just lost it; I had never seen or ever heard her again so angry. I thought she was going to attack Jim. Red faced she ordered him out of the house there and then. When he had gone she ordered me to have nothing to do with him and he was not to enter our house again.

I acquiesced to a degree but I was never going to disown my brother over something I actually agreed with him on. We continued our relationship but unfortunately we could not share our family life. We met on the sly from time to time. I guess it was Rose's natural determination that she never backed down on this and perhaps that should have been a warning sign of the path she was taking us on.

I actually consulted Gina on it. She felt I should humour Rose on that particular subject as it was always going to open old wounds. That, in the end is the tack that I took. It was to be tested sometime later when Rose joined a lobby group that Adrian Wilson belonged to, promoting legislative change that would be harder on so called criminals.

The difference between Rose and I was that I understood through my brother that systemically in New Zealand we had a major problem with mental health and these people were ending up in the criminal justice system. The guy that committed the home invasion was a psychotic who had ended up in prison without proper treatment. He was released and that is what he did.

To Rose he was a criminal and his release was a sign that we were not hard enough on criminals. In her mind she thought a hard sentence might have been a deterrent for people like him. She didn't understand there wasn't a sentence in the land, even execution that would have deterred someone in his condition. That's all I will say about that. I just sucked it up.

Over this period we had our two sons Sam and Alex. Alex was named after Rose's father. Sam was just a name we both liked. Things settled down to family life. As she was busy with work and activities connected to the children, Rose really did not have much to do with the lobby group over this period but she did attend meetings from time to time. Joining that group was not an activity I was ever going to share with her; a difference in interest, a first for us.

When the boys were young, Rose seemed to flower. All signs of shyness seem to disappear. She became something like the vivacious, charming person I remember her as a teen. She was certainly very popular and a doer. She was the teacher's rep on the PTA, and from there involved with fundraising. With the boys she couldn't be a more devoted mother. When they were quite young we spent a year in the states while I was on sabbatical. I was attached to a University. She began writing a blog about being in the US and she became quite well known with that as it was also published in hard copy in a local community newspaper back home.

When we returned she did not go back to teaching so I suppose it is when these extra-curricular activities of hers really took off. As the boys grew older I noticed she began to become more detached from them. I found it was me going to their Rugby and cricket matches, on the board of trustees of their college and so forth. I got the feeling then that she would have preferred a daughter or two.

Our own relationship languished a little. After the boys were born, we had settled into what you wouldn't call a very active sex life. Not what I was used to when I was younger. I assumed that it was part of married life. I did suggest sexual therapy at one stage. Boy did that go down like a lead balloon. I got some pseudo feminist crap thrown at me. I assumed her libido was somewhat less than mine and I was just going to have to amuse myself from time to time. She did get her tubes tied, and me the snip so it was not as though she was afraid of getting pregnant.

I did consult with Gina about then, asking her what her marriage was like to Rose's husband before he was killed. Apparently it was not a great marriage and Rose carried some guilt about that, blaming herself. In the end it seemed to confirm that Rose did not have a very active libido. Thank heavens for online porn. I think it ultimately saved our marriage for a while.

There was a point when Rose decided to become political. She went for council and with her characteristic determination threw herself into it. She decided to be an independent and she used her marriage to me as an environmental plank. I wondered why she didn't go with the Greens but she felt she didn't want to be burdened with some of their 'whacky' stuff, as she put it. In her opinion she wanted a realistic green policy.

Based on her popularity alone she made council. During the election campaign we hardly saw her. I didn't know where the money came from for bill boards etc. and then I discovered that the one and only Adrian Wilson was her campaign manager and part and parcel to financing her. To say I was annoyed about Adrian Wilson was an understatement; it did seem to me that she was hiding him from me and I only found out by accident in a news piece about her campaign. I had the feeling the boys and I were only there for the photo op. I was forbidden to make any kind of public statement but boy did she misquote me.

For a while there, our marriage was in a serious state and she apologised for not being open about Wilson. At that time I did not think Rose was actively having an affair. Like I said she was determined and I continued to assume this underlay her commitment to our family. I guess I was jealous of her time going to Wilson and the council and had become resentful.

Our family drifted into a new normal. She dropped a number of her extracurricular activities to concentrate on her council duties but not from her prison reform group which she was now giving a lot of time to. We also started going to the gym again but not always together. She liked me to accompany her when she was doing the public rounds on environmental matters. I actually enjoyed that, if only to keep her statements in check.

A problem occurred when she started calling herself a blue green. I wondered where she got that from. In New Zealand a blue green is someone who is fiscally conservative but has green sensibilities. They have been known to come up with outlandish ideas such as privatising whales but we won't go there. My beef was in going in that direction blue greens cherry pick policies that will not interfere with their business and farming agendas even if it is to the detriment of the environment.

We got into another argument about that but it did not deter her.

She stunned me when out of left field she announced she was going for parliament. It appears that the local MP was retiring because of ill health and there was going to be a by election. She proudly announced that she was bringing her two first loves, the environment and prison reform to the table.

Fuck!

Fuck it!

Well for the sake of my marriage and the boys I decided I would have to bear it. Would you know it, our old friend Adrian Wilson turned out to be her campaign manager. This time I said I would agree to her going for Parliament but I wanted to campaign with her. Her politics were not the reason; I just wanted to keep a close eye on her. Initially, she was kind of two minds about that but she eventually embraced it enthusiastically. I took leave from University and the whole thing was a bit of a drain on domestic finance but hopefully in the end it would pay off. It seemed weird campaigning for a party I would never vote for but there you go. What some people would do for domestic bliss.

The campaign went well. I had a frosty but civil relationship with Adrian who was inevitably someone I had to endure. Adrian obviously resented me being along. Watching Rose and Adrian's body language when I was present was always entertaining. They were always very uncomfortable in my presence. I never caught them out in any compromising way so continued to think there was no affair.

There was a lot of political bullshit going round and I was aware of some dirty tricks. I did not condone it but I did I expect it. There were one or two instances where I began to wonder. I was locked out of any strategy meetings as I was apparently just eye candy for their campaign. What I heard by accident was about finance. I knew no specifics; what I overheard was Rose having misgivings about something. It led to her bringing up the subject of her debate many years before about the ends justifying the means.

Rose had some big donors and the laws around financing election campaigns are quite strict. Rose was not savvy when it came to such things and was very reliant on Adrian and his team. The mentioning of the means justifying the ends when discussing finance meant that something serious was happening behind the scenes that could be high risk to Rose if things went wrong. I did try to broach the subject with Rose but was curtly told that none of that was my responsibility.

Our boys were good about it and were an asset to the campaign but privately they had the same misgivings that I did. To support my marriage I had to compromise some of my beliefs. I suppose I was guilty of using the end to justify the means myself; and even now I feel some guilt about being a hypocrite, I suppose. I did mollify many of the excesses that were being expressed behind the scenes so I believed my influence had at least been positive from that point of view.

It was obvious throughout the campaign that Adrian did not like me, but who cares, the feeling was mutual. At least I kept Rose on a short leash, you might say. As it turned out I only did the best I could.

She won; and with an increased majority on the previous incumbent. We had one a helluva party on the night, unfortunately with a bunch that reminded me very much of the Hooray Henrys of my youth.

No, I did not find Rose in bed in flagrante delicto with Adrian but next morning reality hit home, Rose was going to be spending more than half her life in Wellington with all those alpha males and queen bees. My hangover was exacerbated by a sense of impending doom. I had met a number of them on the campaign trail and I'm afraid they did not fill me with confidence; from the Prime Minister down.

Well I determined I would get down to Wellington as much as I could but it would be difficult. The boys would be really losing Rose now. Yeah she came along to the odd rugby or cricket match but you got the impression it was only for the photo op. In sports mad New Zealand a politician had to show those credentials. Sam was on the rugby first fifteen at school when they won the area shield. Rose came, but literally only visited for the presentation. Sam was really upset about that.

I went to her swearing in to Parliament and I noticed she gave an affirmation of allegiance rather than an oath. She had disconnected from the catholic faith before I came on the scene but again it was something she did not talk to me about.

I looked around at the other members. She was by far the most beautiful female member there; I thought so anyway. I must admit that I felt very proud. That is until I looked around at the others. I could see there were one or two predators there staring at her with their tongues practically hanging out and pride turned to despair.

Yes, we had the talk. Yes, she was committed to the family and me. No, she would never dream of having an affair even though she knew she was going to be lonely at times. Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah right!

The problem though she had been steadily increasing her drinking. A couple of liquid evenings in Bellamy's would challenge the vexed question of her sustained resolve.