Benji and Meredith

I had three weeks left at work and Benji spent that time avoiding me. He swapped a few shifts so that we were not working together. Several colleagues arranged going away drinks for me. I was amazed at the turn-out. So many people wanted to make speeches about what an amazing nurse I was and how I had inspired so many people in the department. Benji had obviously set out to get plastered and arrived half tanked.

I sat down next to him at the bar and he slid me a shot of whatever concoction he was drinking. It tasted foul!

"Alice working tonight?" I enquired.

"We broke up and no, I don't want to talk about it."

I gave Benji a kiss on the cheek and went to talk with some others. When I turned back, he was gone. I had been given several gifts including a scrub shirt with our unit's logo on that everyone had written something on. I searched the shirt, but I could not find any message from Benji.

The day before I flew out, I sent Benji a text, "Benji, I have this feeling that I hurt you when I told you of my feelings. I honestly did not intend to. I'd like to give you a hug before I go. Please come to our family dinner tonight."

There was no reply. Adam and Suzette had flown up and we had a large family dinner out in town. Adam asked where Benji was as he was always at our family dinners and I lied and said he was working. He hadn't even replied to my invitation.

London was amazing. It was so different to working in an Australian regional town. After about 6 months there, for my 29th birthday, I received an amazing bouquet of flowers at work with a card that simply said, 'Sorry I ghosted you, it was wrong. I really miss you. Happy Birthday, Benji x' My new colleagues were very inquisitive, and I told them they were from my best friend. I went out for drinks with friends and ended up spending the night with Simon, a colleague. The sex was ok, but it was just sex.

'Want to tell me about your boy at home?" He asked the following morning.

I told him all about Benji. I told him about our school years together, about the formal and studying and working together and my protestations of love before I left. I then told me about him ghosting me.

"Um, Meredith, you realise that he loves you, don't you?"

"Don't be silly!" I replied, "He told me years ago that a relationship would ruin our friendship."

"It doesn't mean he doesn't love you!"

I had to think about this. I thanked him for the sex and told him I'd see him at work.

When I got home, I sent Benji a message. "So, bestie, this is my London number, probably should have given it to you earlier. Thanks for the flowers- you made me cry at work doofus! I really miss you too. No one here makes me laugh like you do. Let me know if you need a holiday!"

Within seconds Benji had replied "How did you know I was working nights and needed a prompt to stay away. It's qu... I mean not busy." I laughed. Benji held onto the superstition that if you complained it was quiet it would mean it would get uncontrollably busy! "I got the CNC role. It's a pretty cruisy job. Bugger. I thought the Q word and we've got an emergency on the way in the chopper. Chat soon."

I fooled myself if I thought I could move across the world to get over Benji. We resumed texting each other every day. Neither of us ever asked each other about our love lives. In my head I told myself that Benji was back to being my best friend and I was glad of that, but my heart still yearned for his touch.

Mum and Dad came on a trip to visit me for my 30th birthday. Mum joked about all the good-looking men she saw in the bars and restaurants we frequented, but I said that I didn't have anyone special in my life.

"Good," Dad replied, "Because I'd hate to think you would be over here with grandchildren we couldn't see every few months at least."

I knew Adam and Suzette were keen on starting a family soon. Mum and I spent a weekend shopping in Paris before Mum and Dad went on a tour of Italy together. It was wonderful seeing them so happy after almost 40 years of knowing each other. Mum was still working for Colin, Benji's Dad.

"So, Colin tells me Benji hasn't had a girlfriend since you left." Mum told me on our last night together before they flew home.

"Nah Mum, it's just that I'm not there to tell you all about them. I'm sure he's still seeing people."

"Do you keep in contact?"

"Yeah, we text on and off."

"On and off?"

I knew my mother could be persistent.

"He's my best friend, Mum. He'll always be that."

Mum left it, but I could see she was not convinced.

Benji's birthday was a few months after mine. "I suppose you aren't coming home for my 30th then..." a text came through late one night for me.

"Oh Benje, I did think about it because my contract ends here in London, but I've been offered one starting in Edinburgh a few weeks later and I thought I might go see Europe for your 30th. Hope you don't mind!"

"Dithy, I'm owed so many weeks holiday- fancy a travel companion for a bit?"

I thought about it. I still thought about Benji all the time, but I also thought that I thought of him now as my best friend again.

"Or not, Dithy, it's ok if you want to go alone."

"Sorry, I'm on the underground," I lied, "Bad reception, but we always dreamt of travelling through Europe together! Do you remember when we were 13 and you thought that Pisa was a suburb of Paris and were worried the Eiffel Tower would start leaning too!"

"Shut up, Dithy! At least I knew that Germany and Austria were different countries unlike some!"

Benji was vague about when he was going to arrive. He told me he was coming the day after my contract ended which was a week before his birthday. When he did not reply to my texts the weekend before however I became suspicious and was not surprised when he knocked on the door of my flat on the Sunday morning.

"Oh my God, Dithy, you look amazing! But you are so pale! I had to surprise you and I really wanted to see you, so I moved my flight and took an extra week off work!"

We hugged for what seemed like hours but was probably only a couple of minutes.

"So, is this my goodbye hug that I never got?"

"I'm still sorry about that. I'll try and talk about it sometime, but I can't now."

I could see there was something bothering Benji, but I also knew he would tell me when the time was right.

"Here, let me give you a tour of my bedsit," I joked as we stood in the room that was my flat! "The couch does fold down and I'll go and grab some extra linen for it today, but if you wanted to top and tail in my bed like when we were kids that's ok as long as your feet don't stink!"

Benji pulled me in for another hug. "This one's for being a tosser at your going away drinks and no giving a speech like I had planned to."

I suggested Benji stay and have a sleep in my bed whilst I went shopping.

"You're just bloody lucky I was home and not at work or out somewhere!" I laughed as I drew Benji in for another hug.

"Ah, well," Benji looked a little sheepish, "I must meet Carol this week sometime and thank her for her help."

Carol was a good friend from work. I suspected Benji had stalked her through my Facebook and told her when he was arriving. Carol knew my roster and that I was off and arranged for me to have dinner with her the night before knowing that I would be home early alone. The truth was, I hadn't slept with anyone since Simon.

I went out shopping for sheets and a doona for the couch. I had day shifts only left at the hospital and I had fallen asleep on the couch after many a shift and I knew it was comfortable and I was happy to take it and give Benji my bed. I remembered back to childhood sleepovers when we would top and tail in Benji's double bed, but I did not totally trust myself to sleep in the same bed as Benji these days. My heart had done all sorts of gymnastic manoeuvres when I had seen him at my door that morning and I told myself that travelling together over the coming month or so was bound to be a challenge, but would give me time to explore the friendship side of things with Benji again.

When I got home Benji was still fast asleep. He looked so peaceful in my bed. I let him sleep until 2 and then set my phone alarm to ring.

"Fuck Dithy!" an exasperated Benji screamed at the sound of my horrid alarm, "Just let me sleep. I was in the middle of an amazing dream."

"Well I don't want to hear about your sex dreams today, Benji boy, and I want to show you part of London!"

We walked around arm in arm. At one stage we jumped on a bus and I pointed out the places I knew. Benji laughed at the places I made up, "Oh and that there is Princess Anne's dentist's cousin's newsagent. And this is where Fergie used to get a pedicure!"

Stopping in a pub I bought Benji a pint and we decided to have something to eat.

"To an amazing holiday and spending time with the best friend anyone could ever ask for." Benji proposed as we clinked our glasses together.

When we got home, we argued over who was going to take the couch. Benji insisted and I only relented when he told me he would join me on the couch if I refused my bed.

"So you won't join me in bed then Benji boy?" I suspect I should have refused the third beer.

Benji pulled me in for another hug. "Not tonight, Dithy."

I was up early for work the following morning and tried not to wake Benji. He looked totally uncomfortable on the couch. I thanked Carol again at work having texted her the day before.

"He seems lovely, Meredith," Carol mentioned over morning tea, "Has he come to apologise for how he acted when you left?"

Carol was the only person at work I had talked about at length about Benji.

"He did that yesterday, Carol!" I replied, "Apology has been gratefully accepted. We are now back to being besties."

"And missy, don't think he stalked me," Carol looked mischievous sipping her tea, "Because I stalked him!"

"But why?" I spat out my tea.

"I wanted to let him know you were still into him. Your excitement when you told me he was coming over for his birthday- I have never seen you that happy. He needed to know that."

We were soon back on the floor, but my head was elsewhere. I checked my phone at the end of my shift. There was a text from Benji, "Hey Dithy, I think I'm outside waiting for you."

I noticed my heart was again happy. I was enjoying having Benji around again. We greeted each other with a hug.

"Busy shift?" Benji enquired.

"Nah, pretty quiet actually!" Benji laughed at my use of the Q word. "Hey, I've never been superstitious about saying quiet! I really need a shower though."

Again, we walked arm in arm towards the bus stop. There was standing room only on the bus and it felt lovely to be pressed against my best friend. Benji placed his arm around my stomach as we came to a stop each time to stop me falling forward which was lovely. Benji helped an older couple get off the bus at their stop.

"Thank-you young man," she said, "Get back to your beautiful woman now and may you have a life together as full as ours."

Neither of us said anything to them, but we were both laughing. I had taken on of the spare seats and Benji stood in front of me. Our eyes were locked and we both had large smiles on our faces. At my stop Benji helped me off the bus and again I took his arm.

"So how was your day?" I asked as I turned the key in my lock.

Benji explained he slept until 11 and then went exploring only getting lost twice. I had to laugh.

"I spoke to my unit manager today and she said it would be fine if you wanted to come and visit the department at some stage and see how things are done here. It's a bit different to home!"

"Oh wow, Dithy, are you sure?"

I was amazed at Benji's excitement. I suggested he come with me the following day as I was team leader.

"So, Benje," I asked running my fingers through his stubble, "Did you forget your razor, or is this a new look?"

"Do you like it, Dithy?" Benji started touching it too, "I mean, if you hate it, I'll shave."

"Stop being silly," I remarked, "It will be funny to see if you've got enough testosterone now to grow one- remember when you tried when we were 17!"

"Don't remind me!" Benji tossed a cushion my way. "I hear European girls like a beard!"

"So, is this what our trip is going to be like then? Us in adjoining rooms and me listening to you fuck a different girl each night?"

Benji got all serious.

"Um, Dithy, um, well..." I waited for him to spit it out, "I was thinking perhaps we could save some money and stay in some nicer places if we book a twin room. I mean, I'm not planning on shagging half the continent after all! But I mean, if you want to and all, I won't like stand in your way."

"Oh Benji!" I laughed, "I haven't had sex in well over 12 months. I decided to wait until I had actual feelings for someone instead of just jumping into bed with colleagues like I've been doing for almost 10 years."

I excused myself and went and had a long shower. It was much longer than usual. I spent time washing my hair and at one stage sat on the floor and just let the water wash over me. I was having such a hard time reading Benji. Having him so close had resurrected the feelings I had been trying to supress and I was facing three weeks in Europe with him in the same room. I figured it would be torture but might force me to get back to seeing him as my bestie.

The evening was spent sitting and watching a movie on telly. I tried to insist Benji take my bed, but he wouldn't hear of it. I suggested an early night reminding Benji my annoying alarm was set to ring in the morning and not vibrate as it had that morning and he was coming to work with me.

What started as a quiet shift quickly became chaotic, even for a Tuesday morning. A motorcyclist was brought in unconscious after being hit by a bus. Everyone was struggling to get IV access. I could see Benji standing back and I knew what amazing self-control it took him to not jump in. Benji was a master cannulator. He could find veins on almost anyone, he simply had a knack. I remember him telling me it was more than just feeling, it was rolling your finger until you felt altered pressure and aiming and hoping for the best. I thought I had felt a vein in the patient's wrist. I rolled my finger over there, felt a slight change and aimed. I got flashback and was in. Everyone praised me. I told them it was Benji's technique.

Benji could not get over the differences- the male doctors all wore ties and there was a distinct hierarchy.

"I don't know how you do it," Benji told me over lunch in the staff canteen, "It's just so different!"

I spent the rest of the shift explaining small changes I had made. Carol was taking over from me and came in early to meet the famous Benji.

"You didn't tell me he's hot!" She exclaimed as she threw her arms around him, "If I'd known I would have divorced Terry on the spot! Now you two are joining us for dinner on Thursday and Terry won't let you say no."

Carol had been married to Terry for almost 25 years and they were an amazing couple. They had never had children but fostered dogs. Terry had taken very early retirement and often sent in cakes for the team. Carol and Terry were the two people I was going to miss the most when I left London, so it was not an ordeal. Benji had obviously been conversing with Carol for some time. We had a lovely meal and sat up far too late.

Farewell drinks had been arranged for the Friday after my last shift. Everyone thanked me and my manager presented me with a lovely painting someone had done of the Emergency Entrance to the hospital. It was perfect.

The owner of my flat had some storage facilities in an attic, and we arranged for me to store the goods I was taking with me to Edinburgh until we returned to London. Benji had done an amazing job packing things. I knew it was not much, 2 boxes and a suitcase. We piled the linen from both my bed and the couch into another suitcase on the Saturday morning and deposited it in the attic before heading to catch the Eurostar to Paris.

Benji had arranged first class tickets. I scolded him but was secretly thrilled he thought of it. We sipped champagne as we departed. As we entered the tunnel, I decided it was time to ask the big questions that had been bugging me.

"So what happened with Alice? One minute she was perfect and then you two had broken up. I thought you'd be married with kids by now."

Benji skulled his drink.

"Apparently a girl doesn't like it if you call out another girl's name having sex." Benji said looking at his hands.

"Who did you get her confused with?" I asked thinking she was different to most of Benji's previous girlfriends.

Benji paused for what seemed like minutes.

"You." He said looking into his hands.

I was stunned. I sat in silence sipping my champagne. A waiter came along and Benji ordered two more.

"I should probably start at our formal," Benji sipped at his new drink, "When I saw you in that purple dress my heart was full. Well it wasn't the only thing, but I think the blood that rushed from my heart rushed straight for my cock."

I had to suppress a giggle. "But what about Jane?" I asked.

"Oh Dithy, if you had said to me in the back of the car that you hoped I wouldn't be dancing with Jane then I would have been yours that night. I figured you weren't into me the way I was into you and did what most teenage boys would do and thought with my dick. Jane seemed to like it."

"But at uni, Benji, I told you!"

"Yeah, I know Dithy. And that is one of my big regrets. I wanted to throw you on my bed and do all sorts of things with you, but at the same time I honestly was scared for our friendship. If you had told me that you still wanted to try, then I would have, no questions."

"You know I wanted to, but I was scared, and I believed you." I was becoming a little confused.

"I know, Dithy." Benji was taking deep breaths. "Oh honey, when you told me you were leaving me in the coffee shop I went home and sobbed. Mum was home and hugged me. She told me to tell you how I felt, but I was scared. You seemed convinced that Alice was the girl for me. Truth was, Alice was already getting sick and tired of hearing all about Dithy this and Dithy that. It's what had ended all my other relationships too with the girl telling me I should go and be with bloody Dithy. Dad came home later and with his usual wisdom told me that I should do as he did and set her free, if she really loves you, she will return and if not she was never meant to be."

I knew Benji's parents had difficulties when we were in early high school. Benji's Mum spent a Summer not living in the family home. Benji said he thought his parents were going to get a divorce. It turns out Kath had only ever been with Colin and was confused and thought she was missing out. Colin told her that she was free to go and experiment, but he would always be there for her. Kath had returned to Colin and they renewed their vows, but I always wondered what she got up to and why Colin took her back. I knew he was besotted with her, but it was not something I thought I would ever be comfortable with.

"So Benjamin Alexander Summers," I had reached over and was holding Benji's hand, "You are telling me that at least from when we were 18 there were several times we could have ended up together and basically our communication sucked."

"Um, sort of," Benji continued, "That night I was catching up with Alice. I told her that you were leaving because you could see a future between the two of us. Alice's response stung. She told me 'Well I hope if she isn't around people will stop telling me how much I'm like her, I mean far out, she's just a bloody nurse.'"

I started laughing. I could picture Alice saying that.

"Yeah and that night in her apartment as I was pounding her, I could only see your face and when I was so close to cumming, I yelled 'Oh Dithy, you are everything to me.' Alice stopped and kicked me in the balls and told me to get out. I probably deserved it. See, I couldn't sign your shirt without giving myself away and I couldn't talk to you before you left. I did not want to be the reason you didn't pursue this amazing opportunity."