Benji and Meredith

In 30 years of memories, the ones that stuck with me the most involve Benji. I clearly remember our first day of school- me running ahead of my parents so excited to finally be at big school like my older brother, Adam, and running into the classroom, meeting Mrs Tisbury our teacher and seeing Benji hiding behind his mother's skirt. I rushed over and remember saying, "My name's Meredith and we're going to be best friends, c'mon, let's play!"

From that day on Benji and I were inseparable. When they attempted to place us in different classes in year 2, both of us refused to work until we were eventually sat next to each other again after 3 long days of both of us just sitting there doing nothing. At my ninth birthday party I touched the bottom as I cut the cake and with Benji standing next to me I had to kiss him. I remember him wiping my kiss off his cheek and telling me I was gross.

I received a scholarship to go to an all-girls school for secondary and refused because it would mean being separated from Benji. Instead we both studied at the local high school and were again undividable. I developed breasts before my twelfth birthday and Benji always stood up for me when I was teased. When Benji developed shocking acne, I stood up for him. Through High School we were never romantic, but neither of us were pursued by members of the opposite sex because they knew of our friendship.

Benji grew up to be extremely good looking. He was, as they say, built like a brick shit house! He was on the football team and started lifting weights as a 16-year-old developing well defined muscles all over his body. His dark blonde curls framed a face that featured not only a chiselled jaw, but also the deepest blue eyes I had ever seen. It was around this time I recognised Benji as being more than a friend. I lay in bed wondering what his lips were like and how his fingers might trace across my body.

We went to our final year formal together as new 18-year-olds. I remember wearing a purple taffeta dress that emphasised my large bust but hid the curves I had developed in my hips due to its full skirt. Benji looked amazing in his tuxedo and I felt like it was the night he would work out that we were destined to spend our lives together. Instead, my heart was shattered when Benji confided in me that he hoped I would give him the courage to ask Jane, the most sexiest girl at our school to dance, telling me that he hoped I would finally pick up on his football mate, Brad's desire for me.

"Dithy," Benji whispered in the back of the Mustang he had arranged to take us to the ball, "Brad is so into you and he's a good bloke, you really should have a look at him tonight."

Dithy. Benji was the only person who called me this. I thought about Brad and compared him to Benji. He was not as tall, he was not bad looking but I did not find him attractive, he was not as smart as Benji and I did not know what we had in common. Benji did dance with me for the first dance set. I recognised that he saw me as a sister or cousin, not as a potential romantic interest.

"Benji," I took another sip of the non-alcoholic punch that was the drink of the night, "Jane's all alone over there, you should ask her to dance." Benji did not notice the tears flowing down my face as I said this and simply kissed me on the head and told me I was the best and that he loved me.

They spent the rest of the ball dancing together. I danced with Brad for a bit, but he was not a good dancer and spent a lot of the night treading on my feet. Jane obviously saw what I did in Benji and soon their lips were locked, and their bodies were grinding against each other.

"You coming to the afterparty, Meredith?" Brad probed as the ball was winding up.

"No, I'm pretty tired and have an assignment due that I need to work on, I think I'll give it a miss."

I could see Brad's disappointment. I would have gone if Benji had asked me, but I wanted to go home and mend what I believed to be a broken heart. I called my parents and Dad came to collect me.

"Merdy, you are so different to Adam!" my father reminisced in the car on the way home, calling me by my family nickname, "I remember for his formal we gave him the same 1am curfew as you, but he didn't come in until after 5!"

"I just don't feel like partying, Daddy. Thanks for picking me up."

"Cup of tea, Merdy?" Mum asked as soon as we walked in the door.

"Yes please, Mum and you better make it a double!" I joked.

"I thought Benji's dad had arranged to bring you home at 1ish?" It was Mum's turn to probe.

"Nah, well I think Benji has a girlfriend now so I'm not sure where I fit in the picture anymore."

Mum was quiet, but I could see she was thinking. So was I. I was just trying not to cry.

"I remember when Rhonda got a boyfriend and I thought it was the end of our friendship," Mum told me between sips, "But of course it wasn't. Rhonda needed me two weeks later when he dropped her because she wouldn't put out."

I giggled. Auntie Rhonda was Mum's best friend after almost 50 years. They had been each other's bridesmaids and Rhonda was my Godmother. She lived interstate, but she and Mum always caught up at least once a year for a weekend together. Rhonda had two daughters who were both younger than me, but beautiful girls. Her husband got on well with Dad.

"Merdy, you and Benji will always be friends, but your friendship will change over the years. What is important, is that you will always be there for each other."

Mum's logic was solid. Benji was my best friend and perhaps Mum was right, our friendship would change, but the fact we were friends meant we did have a special place in each other's heart. I asked Mum to unzip my dress and went and got ready for bed.

I clearly remember waking the next morning to a text from Benji. "Oh, wow, Dithy, Jane is amazing! She really likes me too and she gave me a BJ at the after party! Ring me when you wake up!"

Trying not to hate Jane was difficult. She was a lovely person. She was smart and tall and had gorgeous long blonde hair that went almost to her backside. She had feminine curves but was super skinny. She was a great athlete and musician, having the voice of an angel. She also had great taste in boys!

I made pancakes for breakfast. Eliza, my younger sister was also up and cut up berries for us to have with them.

"So how was the formal, Merdy? I saw Mum's photos and Benji looked so hot in that tux!"

"He did, didn't he! Turns out Jane thought so too and he and her are an item or something."

I could see Eliza's face sink. I had suspected she had a crush on Benji too. I placed my arm around her shoulder, "Oh honey, he and I are off to uni next year. We are both still best friends and he will still be around! It's such a shame he doesn't have any brothers!"

Benji had a sister, Isabel, who was Eliza's age but the two of them were not that close.

I heard Benji's old Jeep pull up outside as I was finishing pancakes. I suspect the entire neighbourhood heard too. He had been trying to patch the muffler for months and it really was a lost cause! My dad was a mechanic and the three of us would spend hours on that Jeep, often with Eliza in tow.

"I hear Benji's here," quipped Dad as he and Mum came into the kitchen, "I've had enough and I'm replacing that muffler this afternoon!"

Dad and I laughed.

"What's so funny?" Benji asked as he walked in. He gave me a huge hug as he always did, but this one was longer than usual.

"You smelt my pancakes?" I asked, "I thought you'd still be in bed at this hour!"

"I couldn't sleep! I had the best night of my life last night and I thought if I slept, I would wake up and it would be but a memory!"

I tried to be happy for my best friend, but it was so hard.

Benji and Jane were indeed an item and soon were sleeping over at each other's homes. Benji's parents were cool and told him that they would prefer him to be doing things under their roof using protection rather than in the back of a car. At one stage, Benji tried to tell me what it was like, but I made him stop. He still reminded me that Brad was keen on me, but I could never see myself with someone like Brad, so I just focussed on my studies.

I had wanted to be a nurse from primary school. Benji's Mum, Kath, was a nurse and loved it. She worked at a GP surgery but would regale Benji and I of the tales of her life as a nurse at the hospital. She trained in a large hospital in the nearest capital city and would tell us of some of the antics she and her friends would get up to. Benji's Dad, Colin, was a physiotherapist and had a successful practice in town. Mum worked there as a receptionist three days per week as well as doing Dad's books.

Benji initially dreamt of becoming a doctor and could have, but he told me at the start of our final year that he also planned on studying to become a nurse and thought nursing would be a better profession with more males. We went to many open days at various universities and decided to stay in our own town and study locally. Adam had moved away to study architecture, but I was happy living at home.

Jane moved away to study down south at the end of school and although she and Benji tried to make it work long distance after a few weeks she rang him to tell him she had her eyes on a guy down there and perhaps they should end it. I was there of course to pick up the pieces and spent hours hugging Benji as he cried.

Throughout uni, Benji tried to set me up with plenty of guys, but I never clicked with any of them. I was so eager to have sex, but the only person I could imagine doing it with was Benji. He had a few girlfriends and I was always there to comfort him when things didn't work out.

We were 21 and in our final year at uni when Benji asked me if I was gay.

"Well I can't say there have been any girls that have caught my eye, so I'd say not, Benji, I'm just choosy."

"So tell me about your dream guy then!"

"Um, well," I knew this was my chance, "He's about your height and size with blonde curly hair and deep blue eyes."

We sat in silence for several minutes.

"Dithy, you know you're my embodiment of a dream girl, but I can't wreck our friendship. It honestly means more to me than me giving in to my desires and then it not working out and the two of us hating each other for the rest of our lives."

Benji wiped my eyes with his thumb. I was not confident in myself and did not wish to argue with my best friend so I took his comments as they were and did not put my side of the story over which would have been that I was happy to risk it.

We both graduated as registered nurses and were offered jobs in the emergency department of our local hospital. Benji had soon hooked up with Nicole, another graduate nurse in the department. At the end of our first month, some of the junior doctors organised a party at a local bar. I decided that I needed to move on. I was almost 22 and still a virgin. I was determined- the first guy that showed me any interest I was going to find a connection with no matter how tenuous.

The first guy was Jack. He was a doctor a few years older than me. I helped that he was tall and incredibly well built. He liked working out at the gym. He had blonde wavy hair that he had grown and wore in a ponytail. His brown eyes were kind and his smile was gorgeous.

"Meredith, isn't it? I've seen you around the department. You have a beautiful way with the patients."

We chatted for most of the night. He grew up down south and came up here for a job. He left a girlfriend down there, but it was all over. He was an only child and his parents divorced when he was a teenager. He was very easy to talk to.

"Dithy, Nicole and I are going," Benji interrupted, "Did you want that lift?"

"It's ok, Mate," Jack replied for me, "I'll make sure she's safe."

Benji looked at me and I smiled. Jack had a great sense of humour and we did click. He told me stories of how he and some mates at medical school planted cannabis plants in the council garden beds near their uni and it wasn't until they went to seed and started disappearing that anyone noticed what they were.

"I was going to hit the clubs, Meredith, care to join me?" Jack liked to party.

We made it to one club. We had a couple more drinks and were on the floor. Soon we were kissing and grinding against each other and Jack invited me back to his place. I knew I was about to find out what sex was all about.

In the back of the Uber we were making out and Jack undid my bra and started feeling my breasts through my dress.

"Meredith, you are so fucking sexy!" Jack crooned between kisses.

I had had several drinks, and I felt a buzz. I would not have been able to drive, but I could remember everything that happened that night. We got to Jack's share-house. I remember him hanging a sock on the door and bringing me into his bedroom. He quickly had me out of my dress and my bra was off. He loved kissing my nipples and told me that I had the most perfect tits he had ever seen.

Reaching across I started undoing the buttons on his shirt, but he simply pulled it over his head, kicked off his shoes and dropped his jeans. I had never felt a cock before. I reached over and ran my hand gently up his between his black jocks. He moaned. Jack used his teeth to draw my panties down my legs and laid me on his bed diving between my legs with his mouth. He was amazing. I knew I was wet, but I was shocked when his tongue flittered across my clit and I had the most intense orgasm I had ever had. I had masturbated before, but nothing was as intense as this.

Jack rolled on a condom and asked me if I was ready. I had never told him this was all new to me, but I guessed he knew. He pushed into me and I felt a pain, but then he slid in. He pumped away and I brought my hips to meet his. He was kissing me and using one hand to fondle my breasts.

"Fuck Meredith, you are so tight! I'm not going to last much longer."

A few strokes later and Jack froze with a look of ecstasy plastered on his face. We lay there together for a bit and he proceeded to plant kisses all over my face and then over my tits. As he withdrew his cock he noticed the blood on the condom.

"Oh Meredith, I didn't want to assume even though I suspected. I hope I wasn't too rough."

"You were perfect, Jack. Thank-you."

We lay together for the rest of the night and in the morning had more sex. This time I rode him to an almighty orgasm and then after we removed the condom, I sucked him and he came over my breasts. Jack reminded me how sexy I was.

"Meredith, I'm busy trying to make sure I don't fuck up at work and I don't have time for a girlfriend, but I'd be happy to be your friend with benefits if you're up for that. I don't expect exclusivity and if you find someone then great, but if not, we do have a sexual chemistry I'd love to explore."

I did not feel hurt or upset by this but relieved. I had no real feelings for Jack. Over the next few months we'd get together once or twice a week and explore. It was amazing and Jack was a great teacher.

I could see at times Benji was a little put off by Jack and he often ignored him at work preferring to wait for another doctor rather than interact with Jack. I tried to talk to him about it and Benji simply told me that it was just something he had to work out in his head. Benji and I still caught up for movie nights together and would often give each other lifts to and from work if our rosters worked, but our friendship had changed.

We both did our master's in emergency nursing together and both received promotions on the same day. Jack had moved back down south, and I had a few more guys I established a friends with benefits arrangement, but I was not keen on a relationship with any of them.

Adam married who was also an architect but was still living down south. She seemed lovely. Benji came down with me for the wedding as my partner for the night. He wasn't seeing anyone at the time and in my heart, I hoped he would finally open his feelings, but he never did. We danced and held each other and both of us said how amazing the night was, but it ended with a chaste kiss on the cheek and both of us in our own motel rooms. Eliza was there with her boyfriend and told me she wanted to bang Benji's head against a wall and tell him that I was there waiting for him.

We were 27 going on 28 and I knew that if I was going to get over my crush on Benji and allow myself to have any form of relationship that might lead to my hopes of marriage and/or children then I needed to move. I started looking for jobs interstate, but I had no idea where I wanted to go. Eliza had become a grease monkey and was working as a mechanic for Dad. Mum complained that Christmas that Adam had brought girlfriends home before he married Suzette and Eliza had brought boyfriends home to meet her parents, but I had never introduced them to anyone.

"Merdy, you are an incredibly beautiful woman," Mum told me, "Don't be scared to accept someone into your heart."

On New Year's Eve Benji met Alice and I thought I had lost him forever. He was besotted with her. She was a doctor at the hospital, but did not work in the ED. I caught up with Benji a week or so later for a coffee at a place in town.

"Oh Dithy, Alice is amazing! She reminds me of you in so many ways. She's kind and caring and so beautiful and amazing in bed."

"Oh Benje, I honestly am so happy for you," I replied, "It's wonderful seeing you so happy."

"So, you saw the ad for the Clinical Nurse Consultant position, Dithy, I hope you're applying." Benji said sipping his coffee.

I knew it was the time to drop my bombshell. I had been sitting on it for a few days and not told anyone apart from my boss at work who reluctantly took my letter of resignation and promised she would not tell anyone before me.

"Um, no Benji, I'm not. I'm actually moving."

Benji put his teaspoon down clunkily after scraping the remaining froth from his cup.

"I sent my resume to a few international agencies and I've been offered a job in ED in central London. I leave in 3 weeks."

"But, Dithy, um, I always thought you'd talk to me about stuff like that, I mean, we are still besties, aren't we?"

I did what I probably should have done years before and laid my cards on the table.

"Benji, I have been in love with you since I don't know when. You are the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning. You are the last thing I think about at night. You have taken to filling my dreams. You and Alice have something special and I don't want to come between the two of you. As much as it breaks my heart, I have to do what is best for me and that means cutting you off for a bit and hoping that if you are out of sight, I might actually be able to get over you and my dreams for a future with you and move on to form a future with someone else."

I could see the look of shock on my best friend's face.

"Benje, I hope that once I have moved on, I will be able to come back and perhaps even bring a partner with me and some kids and you will be happy with Alice, I presume, and we can again pick up as besties. I will always love you and I hope that in time I will grow to love you as a friend again."

"I've, um, I've got to go, Dithy, um, wow. Um, I'll see you at work or something."

I could see Benji was trying not to cry. I went and told my parents what my plan was. I explained to Mum over a glass of wine that I had been in love with Benji since puberty, or perhaps even longer and I needed to get away from him to get over him.

"Honey, that look on your face on your ninth birthday when he wiped that kiss of his face- I could see how hurt you were then! It's never been my place to interfere, but your leaving definitely is Benji's loss."