All Comments on 'Betrayal Ch. 05'

A pleasure to read. Well crafted with a well developed story line. The romance between Jeanie and Tim showed sensitivity and understanding of their love for each other. This was skillfully developed in the earlier chapters. Tim's conflict with his feelings for Karen and what to do with her because of her infidelity were thoughtful and showed your understanding that there is no easy answer for treachery. I've read and edited many stories like yours, and I want to thank you for your insights. I'm looking forward to how you develop the final chapter. K

Got to love it when a plan comes together. Nice when the Good Guys win one. Looking forward to the next post. Thanks for sharing your stories with us.

Hell of a story! Looking forward to the wrap up. Obvious no happy ending for Tim and the once loving wife.

You Texans really do know how to spin a yarn!

Cheers

SAGE

Great story. Looking forward to the next chapter.

Awesome story just binge read. Can't wait for the rest hope there is more fireworks and some more sex.

Question, is Alan, Adams twin brother? This is one Hell of a story.

Wow!

Slow.

As in

S

L

O

W

This chapter is tough to get through.

Nothing happens for pages and pages.

You really need to cut half.

Great story Don’t mess with Texas

Lovin it. 25 stars, lol

Dang good Texas story! Wish i knew spanish.

Excellent. I liked the part where Tim realized he difference between friends, and acquaintances. Going back to an earlier chapter, when Tim and his boys stayed with Will and Laura. Both knew Karen did something, and said nothing. Will’s brother bragged about it. Ignoring the cock-grope dancing, neither said anything to Tim about the bragging. What does Tim think of them now, in retrospect?

Way, way too long. The length just buries the tale.

Now to Karen???

Will she get the same treatment, the treatment she deserves????

5/5

You are a very talented writer, but you need work on how to do a tense/dangerous scene. Example: The house gets attacked and shot up and a few hours later the Inlaws show up and everyone starts partying? Trama takes time!

Wow, well written and amazing characters. And the best part is the payback, as they say Revenge is Best Served Cold.!! Well Done 5++++ stars

So it was a combination party, shopping trip and range war. Hmmm. Then her ex had the drop on her with a rifle when she whipped out a hidden shotgun and beat the drop. Uh huh. Got it.

xas Quite a story and a one sided battle. I realize the story takes place in Texas where many are bi-lingual mostly out of necessity. I am not, as most northerners are not bilingual, and being raised in San Francisco I do not appreciate the mexican/spanish language since I don't understand it. I also do not understand nor appreciate hispanics like the ones that have overtaken my old neighborhood in the MIssion district. My wife was interested in where I lived and we drove thru there 30 years ago all we got was rude cude jesters and bad sounding hispanic language remarks. I know not all hispanics are rude and crude but the experiences of that trip and others in my youth have affected my outlook on that particular culture. Live and let live has always been my view, but.................... 5stars to the author, please use english.

This particular chapter (5) has a different vibe to the previous ones. Written differently, or from a different mindset...???. It seemed like a crocodile dundee plot with a twist of nam. Then there was pages of setting the scene which included how many cubic inches somebody else's truck was , how a 25 year old (main character) left his inheritance to do some unknown military training then left that life to become a high school teacher, settle down and have kids who are how old now... 4..5..??? And now returns to the place he grew up where 4000 people will gladly sell their soul to help out a brutha. I know the author prefaced this chapter with not sticking to certain bounds but I couldn't read past page 5. This chapter is awful, sorry.

The assholes got theirs. Jeanie is going to get hers, too. Tim is her husband now and hopefully provides him with children, brothers and sisters to his other two. Janie already took care of them and they like her. They will love her and she'll make a good mother, and if anyone tries to hurt them MAMA BEAR will cut them a new asshole...

I just reread it, and I don’t know how to respond to The complaints about S L O W. Visualizing the setting, including the new characters introduced, is critical to the story. It is detailed, but how do you paint a picture without details? Also, Chapter 5 makes 6 “acceptable” in the sense that we now know what Tim and his compadres are capable of, so their subsequent actions aren’t completely out of left field.

One of Tim’s worlds is alien to many, and his ability to function in civilized society and outside its bounds is disturbing to many. But accountants have been plucked from their offices and shipped to the Middle East for decades. They fought, dodged death, watched others from their reserve/guard unit die, and then returned to their homes and offices.

The thought of stringing up, gutting, skinning, and sectioning a deer, hog, or calf in your suburban neighborhood is ridiculous, but men and women have no problem doing those very things on their lease in the Hill Country. We all have more than one persona.

Way too much dialogue that didn’t pertain to the story, too distracted by this to finish this story. This brings a 3. Keep your dialogue brief and make it necessary

Anon - thanks for your opinion. See response above. Might want to skip my stuff - I use dialogue to explain, to extend, to disclose, and to develop characters.

Another comment about dialog. People don’t talk in conversations like portrayed here. Multiple long paragraphs strung together is not how we talk.

Plus a punctuation lesson: When someone speaks with multiple paragraphs, the beginning of EVERY paragraph needs a quotation mark and the end of the last paragraph gets one as well. The ends of all the rest of the paragraphs have no quotation marks.

Damn!! I have to admit that for a Texan you write great revenge scenes. OK, it is somewhat fantasy, but it does happen. Just look at what the cartels do, or Whitey Bulger's gang did. or Al Capone did, So, it is reasonable that "good" men could react the same way. My only complaint is that you use the word "drug" in a way that does NOT exist in any dictionary except slang dictionaries. It is soooo good to see revenge served in proportion to the crime. Thank you for this story.

fantastic story loved it

Anon, drug is a Texas colloquialism for dragged. “Drug her out of the car” is another example.

Outstanding!!! A wonderful series! ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

The author really should have read the previous chapter, before starting on this one. A bit confusing to start with when Andy became Alan and instead of Andy and Chet being present in the hospital room, this chapter tells us Jim and Chad were there to witness Jeanie in her blue dress! Alan continued and Andy disappeared. Not significant to the story but rather sloppy. Just sayin'.

Pretty sure Superman would be intimidated by Tim. To much bullcrap and blah, blah, blah.

Fantastic only reason four stars is excessive details not Germaine to story this late in the series becomes boring.

No comment plead the fifth

He smiled in return, "I seasoned it properly with my own special blend of spices, cooked it properly, to medium, and put it on your plate, Emilia." "Medium?" she asked with wide eyes. "Yes, everyone who asked for medium well got medium: warm pink center, preserving the natural juices, without any blood. Jeanie, Kathy, how are your steaks cooked?"

/

/

Wrong

.

Blue is practically raw

.

Rare is lightly browned with a hot pink interior progressing to a slightly cooler red core

.

Medium-rare is a pink center

.

Medium is cooked through to the point of being uniformly brown and dry

.

Medium-well is burnt shoe leather surrounding an insufferably dry interior

.

Well is a charcoal briquet

.

And that stuff you think is blood is actually myoglobin

/

/

this paragraph killed the entire story for me, disrepecting steak is almost worde than being a cuck. A man incapable of knowing the difference between rare, medium, and well might as well have stayed with the cheating whore - less shame in that

Lujon, my favorite steakhouse scoffs at blue, and says "With medium steak, you'll see no red in the center. Instead, the meat is pink and warm, and you'll see only a light pink around the edges of the steak's center. This doneness level is a popular option for people who prefer not to bite into red or have too many juices flowing out of the meat."

Other than the fact that Tim's cock somehow became shorter by ONE INCH ! , pretty good with a few basic grammatical mistakes and incorrect pronouns.

/////Anonymous4 months ago

Fantastic only reason four stars is excessive details not Germaine to story this late in the series becomes boring.////// I have to agree with this statement from annon. What difference does it make what color a shirt is/was, what each car was driven, what each ache was felt and to what degree? Make it easier to read by cutting out so much hyperbole, and it would be a 4 star (4*) story.

60 round magazines for the ARs? Really? You’d think if 30 rounders were good enough for the military, and law enforcement…. Well, I guess everything is bigger in Texas!

"""" Make her telling you anything and everything that bothers her a commandment, and make every effort to gain her trust 100%."""""" HUH? Commandment?? What was the purpose of this statement? This is a great story. but for a few typos, and odd insertions.