Better Ch. 01

Every night he came to her. He fed her, held her, and performed his memory tests. He told her when she was doing better, and suddenly doing better was the most important thing, because it was the only way she ever got to please Master.

Things were better, even if she couldn't really remember how they were before, at least not clearly. She knew that she used to feel ashamed all the time. And sore, though never satisfied. She used to feel horny too, when she thought of Master, but on March 4, marked in green marker on her calendar, he had given her permission to masturbate.

It had been an awkward conversation for him when he realized both that his nightly visits were highly arousing for her and that she felt herself prohibited from climaxing without his express approval. She'd begged him to touch her there, or at least to sit with her and hold her while she masturbated, if he wouldn't take her body for himself, but it had been too much for him to contemplate. Instead, he simply told her that she was to masturbate immediately after he left and climax as many times as she wished.

When she had to come without him, though, she felt ashamed and alone, burdened by a crushing, inexplicable feeling of guilt. Her mind would drift afterwards, unable to see his face. She would awake, as if from a trance, confused and alone, her panties wet and bunched around her ankles.

It was their one-month anniversary, as she imagined it, and for the moment Master was there, and everything was alright. Master had cut up the chicken and ladled some soup into a ceramic bowl for her. Cradling her head, he fed her silently. She ate greedily—lunch had been a bunch of grapes, breakfast even less. She smiled when he spilled a drop of soup on her chest, just below her collarbone. It burned her slightly, and the pain aroused her.

"Sorry," he mumbled. "Are you OK?"

"I'm fine," she replied. "Can you get it for me?"

Alex looked down at the pearly drop of soup on her chest. He didn't bother with the napkin, but reached down with one finger to wipe it off, trailing across her breastbone for a fleeting moment, before licking the soup off the end of his finger. Her body shuddered against his.

"Don't start," he said gently.

"When you want to again, you know you can have me," she whispered, her voice breathy with longing.

Recently, she had begun to wear more and more revealing clothing for Master's visits. She even went out shopping on her own, and she could remember leaving the house, picking out clothing, and returning with it.

She was getting better, and it was because of him.

"Are you ready?"

It was time for their exercises.

"Ready when you are."

"Who are you?"

"My name is Audrey Sappery. I was born in Seattle, but we moved somewhere cold. I can't remember where. My parents were Richard and Marjorie Sappery. I don't know what happened to my father. I don't know when my mother married Irvin Feldman. I called him 'Dad,' too. I went to college at Armstrong College, and it was cold there, too. That's where I met you, Ma—Alex. Then something happened. Two months ago my parents died. Nancy came from home care. One month ago you came to my house. Now you feed me dinner every night, but I'm not allowed to please you. It makes me very anxious, so when you leave, I have to play with myself. I'm in love with you, and you own—"

"Audrey those last things aren't memories," Alex interrupted. "We're trying to build up a set of facts to help you string together those memories."

Audrey felt ashamed for disappointing Master. She wanted to tell him the truth, but she also hated to fail at her exercises. The truth was that she was leaving out the most important memory of all, when Master took ownership of her, when Master made her his slave, when Master made love to her all night and whipped her and marked her as his property.

And then he went away.

"I'm trying," she said. "I'm doing better, right?"

Master looked at her with kindness.

"You are," he said. "But...I think we could do more."

Audrey's heart started to beat faster. Was Master going to take her back?

"The eating therapy is working, I think. You seem much more...present. I think it's time for me to explain some things to you. Audrey, do you feel calm and relaxed?"

"Mostly," she said hesitantly. "But being with you makes me get all scrambled inside. If you could just touch me..."

Alex looked uncomfortable.

"About that...I've been thinking. I want to explain things to you. I know it feels like I'm punishing you, but I promise I'm not. Tonight, I want you to feel as relaxed and happy as I can. We can talk afterwards."

Audrey didn't know what Master was talking about yet, but she watched transfixed as he stood up in front of her.

"Audrey come to the sofa with me."

Her eyes lit up as she heard his command voice, and she hastened over to the sofa, following behind him like a puppy dog.

"Take your panties off and lean against me."

It's finally happening.

Audrey slid her already wet panties off and let them fall to the floor. Master had already sat down, and she lowered herself to face him.

"No, facing away from me"

She turned around, rubbing her ass against his crotch. He was hard, and it thrilled Audrey to feel that she was finally beginning to please him again. Her skirt was bunched up against her upper thighs as she straddled his right leg.

Master reached his left arm around her waist to hold her in place. She felt like her pussy was on fire, and her juices began to streak down her thigh onto Master's pant leg.

"You can call me Master if it helps," he said. "Just lie back against me. Don't worry."

With his right hand, Master reached under her skirt to trace his fingers against her skin. When he found the delicate folds between her thighs, she shuddered in anticipation. He moved slowly and with a light touch, as if he were afraid to hurt her. Master's fingers found her clit, and he began to massage her there in a gentle circular motion, dipping once, then twice into her well-lubed honey pot to slicken her all over. Her body felt like a dream, but the passion didn't cloud her mind; on the contrary, she felt fully present, mentally and spiritually whole, even as her body burned for his touch.

This ecstasy wasn't driving her mad. It was making her sane.

Master caressed her delicate flower, teasing her, stoking the fire inside, yet promising with his fingers to soon slake her thirst for satisfaction. The pleasure was immense, all-consuming, yet she could not help but wonder if there wasn't something wrong about Master giving her such pleasure when she had given him nothing in return.

As if he sensed her discomfort with receiving so much pleasure, Master whispered into her ear:

"I'm sorry for this."

He bit into her shoulder, hard, and though he did not break the skin, the pain of it radiated outwards throughout her body. She began to cum, hard, and it felt so different than when she rubbed herself, ashamed and alone. She realized that for the first time, her mind and body were both fully present when the orgasm overtook her, and the pain grounded her, tied her to Master and to herself, to Audrey Sappery, the person she was and had always been.

Her body slumped against his.

"Thank you, Master," she panted. "I missed that so much."

Audrey could feel Master's erection against her bare flesh, and she wished he would let her fulfill her role to please him.

"Audrey, I'm going to go wash my hands. When I'm gone, I want you to just relax, and then we're going to talk, OK?"

"Yes...Alex. That sounds nice."

Audrey felt different now. Normally after an orgasm she felt confused and sad. Now she felt...herself. Confident, even.

When Alex came back, he sat across from her. She smoothed her skirt down to seem ladylike, though she didn't bother putting her panties back on.

"You look...better," he said. "And that means it's time for me to tell you some things."

Audrey was pleased to hear him compliment her, as thin of a compliment as it sounded.

"Yes, please. And, if it's OK, I'd like to ask you some questions, too," she said inquisitively.

"Me first," Alex said. "You've made excellent progress rebuilding a continuity of memory and identity on a daily level. That's not easy in your condition, and it's a testament to how strong you've been. I'm going to tell you some parts of your past that you can't remember, and—let me be clear—you'll never be able to remember those parts."

Alex paused. He looked mournful.

"Audrey, parts of your brain that form memories were irreparably damaged. There are chunks of your life you will never get back. You'll always have difficulty holding on to new memories as well, though you're doing an incredible job with rebuilding that capacity. I believe there are ways for me to make both of these things—old memories and new—better for you. But I've been hesitant to do anything because...well, because of our history and what it would take for me to help you."

Audrey looked hopefully at her Master. She wanted to know their history more than anything, to piece together what were only fragments, many of which he'd denied even happening.

"Master, I would do anything to learn how we met, how you took me—"

"Audrey, I don't own you. I never did. But I did know you. So I need you to try to listen, but you need to warn me if it hurts you or makes you scared, because when that happens, your mind...it goes to a place that protects you. And that place destroys your memory-making. It helps you with pain, but it takes away who you are."

Audrey's mouth gaped in astonishment.

"The window," she whispered. "When I'm afraid, I see the window."

Master nodded his head.

"I don't know what it is," he said, "an image, a memory. It might not even be real. But the more you go there, the harder it is for you to feel like...well, like you. So I don't want you to go there, and I know you need my help for that. Things are better when I'm here—when I feed you and hold you, right?"

"You know they are, Master," she said. "I wish there was more..."

"I know," he said, with evident sadness. "Something happened in our past together. It made you feel this way about me. It made you feel it. You can't help it. And I can't make it go away, either. We...we damaged you. We put this feeling in you. It was an accident. You have memories of me that never happened, that were built from old memories, from suggestions, from what we did to you. You can't get rid of them—believe me, I wish you could. It means that you'll always want me near you, you'll always see me as 'Master.' To wipe those feelings out would be like erasing your whole mind; they're in the core of who you are now."

Alex paused, trembling almost imperceptibly.

"I'm so sorry."

"Master, I love you," she said. "I understand what you're saying, but...this is real to me. This is the realest part of me."

"And I know why you feel that way. But...fuck...this wasn't what was supposed to happen. I didn't do this to you on purpose," he said with frustration. "I'm getting off track. I'm trying to explain your life to you here. Do you know where this house comes from? How you pay for things?"

"Mom and Dad paid for everything. Two months ago my parents died. Nancy came from home care. One month ago you came to my house."

"Yes, I know you can recite that. This wasn't their house. You didn't grow up here. This is your house, and you paid for everything. You received a very large settlement from the University after our experiments did this to you. You're actually a very wealthy woman, Audrey. I'm feeding you Shop-Rite rotisserie chickens and potato soup, but you could be eating lobster at Tulloch's every night. When your parents were alive, they took care of the money for you. But you know now that they died, even if you can't really remember it. Your aunt set up home care for you, but you got worse without them, and you started looking for me around the University. And...bad things happened to you. People hurt you, and it hurt your mind, too. That's when I heard about it."

"You came to save me, Master? I knew you loved me."

Master looked as if he was going to cry. Audrey marveled at how he could look so emotionally raw and vulnerable yet remain commanding and authoritative. He'd say it was all in my mind.

"I didn't save you. I broke you. I'm not even supposed to be here. Audrey, I'm never supposed to talk to you. I could go to jail for even being here. I was a graduate student working on the research project that did this to you. They threw me out of school. I mean, I probably should have gone to jail. I know you don't remember this—hell, I know, know, that nothing I tell you could ever make you hate me, or even stop loving me. But you should hate me. You should hate my fucking guts, but you can't, because of me. So I came back because you don't have anybody, and because this is all my fault. And every time you try to...do things with me, it's like...it's like rape. Because our fucking procedures created those needs in you. It's not really you at all."

Audrey felt poised on the edge of a mental precipice. Master's words hurt her, the idea that her love for him, her devotion to him was some trick of brain chemistry, some lab accident. Why couldn't see how pure her feelings were? The pain, the confusion, the sting of losing a happy fantasy of their past, pushed her towards letting go, towards letting go and allowing her mind to leave her.

"I need you right now, Master," she said. "I don't want to go away."

Alex didn't hesitate like usual. He seemed to know this was a risk.

"Listen to my voice. I want you to lean over my lap, right now."

Audrey complied immediately, her skirt fluttering up to reveal the milky white globes of her soft ass.

"You are mine, Audrey. I am your Master. I care about you, and I know what is best for you."

Audrey thrilled to hear his words, to hear him no longer deny the truth of their relationship. He began to spank her, not hard, but enough to make her feel the sting of his hand. Her previous orgasm did little to stifle her lust. Master was taking her, using her body the way he was supposed to. She was finally in her rightful position.

"You will not go there. You will stay here with me. And every night, if you are a good girl, I will sleep beside you. But you must not touch me. Now come."

Master spanked her ass, harder and faster, though he did not touch her pussy. It didn't matter; her hips bucked, and she surprised even herself by coming, a wave of pleasure washing over her. It all happened so fast, not by physical stimulation, but by the awesome force of his voice alone. She felt validated by Master's power over her body; that kind of control was no accident. She was made to come for Master, and finally he would let her back in.

"I'm serious," Alex said, as Audrey looked back at the man stroking her sore, red ass. "This situation is beyond illegal. It's wrong on every level, but I think if I sleep next to you, and...a few other things...well, I think your identity formation functions will noticeably improve."

Audrey liked Master's scientific talk, not because she understood it, but because it testified to Master's amazing mind, matched only by his incredible body. He was going to live with her, sleep in her bed.

It's his bed now. His house.

"I'm so glad you're moving in," she said. "I promise you'll love it—"

"I'm not moving in," he said patiently. "I'm coming over to help you fall asleep. It doesn't matter where I am when you're asleep."

"It matters to me," Audrey said imploringly. "If I wake up in the middle of the night—"

"Do you? Wake up a lot?" Alex asked her. "Because that would make sense."

"I don't know," she said. "I know that I don't feel good in the mornings. Things are better...clearer...at night when you come."

Alex breather a heavy sigh. For Audrey, she feared it was the prelude to rejection.

"You're right."

It took a second for her to register the meaning of his words. She still couldn't accept it, not until he confirmed it.

"Audrey, from now on, I'm going to come over like usual. When it's time for bed, I'm going to put you to bed, and then I'll stay over here. I'll...I don't know, get you a bell or something. If you need help getting back to sleep, then I'll still be here, and I'll leave in the morning before Nancy comes."

"Why do you need a bell?" she asked with a lilting voice. "I'll be right beside you."

"That can't happen," Alex told her. "This is already fucked up enough as it is. I mean, I'm going to have to bring clothes over and—"

"Yeah," she said with a smile, still riding high on the idea of Master returning, "that's what moving in is, right?"

"Audrey," he said, summoning up reserves of patience, "I'm not moving in. You can't really grasp how...how evil it would be to move into the house you bought with the money you got from us. They really should throw me in jail for that."

"Who's they?" Audrey asked. "Police don't come here, Ma—Alex."

She was starting to remember how he liked to be addressed better.

"It's hard to talk to you about this," he said circumspectly. "It's not that you won't get angry with me; it's that you can't. I can describe an action, and you'll tell me it's horrible. If I tell you I did it, you'll say I must have had a reason. If I did it to you? You'll ask me to forgive you. It scares me. It's too much."

Audrey felt herself begin to cry; if this was too much for Master, it was beyond too much for her. She wanted to slip away again, but in his presence, she felt stronger. She just needed him to stay.

"Alex. I...I get confused a lot. I get lost. Bad things happen to me, and I don't even know what they are. But things are better with you. I don't hate you, I love you. If you would sleep next to me, I know I would feel better. Please."

Master seemed jumpy to Audrey, and it made her nervous as well.

"OK," he said. "We're going to try this out for a while. I'm going to bring some things over here and sleep beside you. But listen—I'm only doing this because supporting you through core dormative functions is likely to induce—"

Audrey interrupted Master by wrapping her arms around him and kissing him. She felt an immediate feeling of guilt, having touched Master without his permission, yet it was mingled with lust and satisfaction at feeling Master's soft, warm lips against her own.

Please, please, please punish me.

Alex was surprised, having gotten used to the passive, fragile version of Audrey. She was bolder now, and he it didn't escape him that she had just won an argument of sorts against him. He would spend all night with her from now on, he realized.

After dinner, they sat together for a few hours, working on memory exercises for a while before giving up for the night to watch a movie together. In the quiet moments with Audrey, Alex could turn off his mind and ignore their troubled history. In other world, he would be thrilled to have his arm around a beautiful, intelligent young woman like Audrey. In this world, though, the stolen moments of happiness from being with her were small solace for the painful memories she invoked in him.

Audrey looked over at her Master. She was excited to go to sleep, though the excitement only made her feel more awake. The feeling felt strangely familiar, and as she gazed into Master's eyes, ignoring the movie she was supposed to be watching, she felt the unfamiliar feeling of recognition.

"It's like when I was a little girl," she said slowly, "trying to go to sleep on Christmas Eve. I remember feeling like this."

Alex paused the movie.

"You had a memory? How old were you? Where were you?"