Beware the Quiet Ones

In which Norman Clegg, trapped in Wesley's new explosion-proof shed with Marina, finally overcomes his fear of women...

Does the world need Last of the Summer Wine smut? Probably not, but I wrote some anyway.

***

Compo awoke as usual, to the sounds of Nora Batty sweeping her steps.

"By 'eck lass, tha's a sight for sore eyes!" He grinned, leaning out of the bedroom window.

She frowned and tutted at him. "Go and get some clothes on! You look like someone who should come with a government health warning!"

He wasn't deterred, of course. "You're good for my health. Tha's the reason I'm able to get up in the morning. How's about you come round and give me a kiss?"

Nora fumed. "Any more of that and you're going to be getting some brush!" She waved the yard brush menacingly at him.

Compo just laughed and closed the window.

***

Howard opened the front door as quietly as possible, whilst glancing nervously around. Tiptoeing outside he was about to close the door when...

"And where do you think you're going?"

"Oh! I just thought I'd...er, go and get some fresh air, love." He mumbled. "It's so quiet out here. Isn't silence nice?"

Pearl came marching down the stairs. "Whenever you're around, silence is just suspicious."

"Well I'll just..."

Pearl folded her arms. "Yes?"

"...Start cleaning these windows," he meekly replied, picking up a cloth.

When he was certain she'd gone, Howard rushed over to Norman Clegg's house.

"Are you there, Cleggy?"

Clegg opened the door. "Whatever it is, Howard, the answer is no!"

"You don't even know what I'm going to ask you."

"I'll hazard a guess. You want me to take a message to Marina."

"Actually yes, I was wondering if you'd take a message to Marina," Howard whispered, and Clegg rolled his eyes.

"I keep telling you, I'm allergic to Marina. She brings me out in this terrible rash."

Howard continued prattling on. "I'm desperate, Cleggy. Pearl has confiscated my bicycle. Now she's confiscated my legs. I can't go out for a walk. Marina and I were going to meet up this afternoon. If you see her, you've got to let her know what's happened. Please!"

"I..."

Before he could say anything else, Howard shook his hand. "Oh thank you so much Cleggy! I knew I could rely on you! Don't forget!" He hurried off, and poor Clegg was left shaking his head. The man was impossible.

***

At Edie Pegden's house, the ladies were enjoying their weekly coffee morning.

"I've never met a man who was able to lie in a convincing manner," Ivy said. "They come up with these ridiculous excuses. They must think we were born yesterday."

"I always know when mine's lying," Pearl said. "Mainly because he never stops lying."

"When it comes to lying, my neighbour's an expert," Nora replied. "He might be scruffy, but he's a devious one. You never know what he's planning next. I've worn out three brushes on him."

Edie turned to Glenda. "Your father's just as bad. Every time I ask if he's dirtied the kitchen floor with engine oil, he denies it. If there's one thing I've learned, with a man around, you must always put plenty of paper down."

"My Barry doesn't tell lies," Glenda replied. "His motto is 'honesty is the best policy.' Such as the time when I was trying this new dress on and I asked him if it suited me. He said it was clinging in all the wrong places."

"Drink your coffee!" Edie spluttered. "You weren't brought up to talk about things that cling in the wrong places!"

"Oh Mother!" Glenda groaned.

The ladies all raised their coffee cups in unison.

***

"And you're certain this is a bomb-proof structure?" Foggy asked, as he, Compo and Clegg were given a tour of Wesley's brand-new shed. It was a smart, brick building with sliding metal doors.

"Haven't actually tried to find out yet, lads." Wesley replied. "But I guarantee she's tougher than the previous shed."

"Which did have a habit of collapsing due to those unfortunate explosions," Clegg remarked.

"It's smaller than the old one. Barely enough room to swing a ferret. And there's no window," Compo said. "I wonder if tha' can breathe if the door's shut?"

Foggy glared at him. "Of course you can breathe, you fool. There's an air vent built into the wall! I must say, I'm impressed, Wesley. It's the kind of structure that one needs during a war situation. I could see myself using this as an air raid shelter. In the jungle, one never knows when an enemy may appear. A hazard could approach at any time."

"Talking of hazards," Compo smiled. "Ey up, here comes Marina!"

A look of horror appeared on Clegg's face. "Don't let her see me! She'll pounce on me like a lioness stalking an antelope. I've got to hide..."

"Get thee in the shed Norm," Compo helpfully suggested, and he did just that. "It's a Marina-raid shelter."

Marina was tottering down the lane in high heels, wearing a too-tight and too-short pink skirt and a low-cut floral blouse.

"My, they say things come in threes!" She cooed, noticing the three men. "How fortunate for a lady that she should cross paths with not one, but three fine gentlemen!"

"Foggy nodded. "Good afternoon Madam."

Marina looked round. "Someone's missing! Where's Norman Clegg?"

"Well he had to leave in a hurry," Foggy said.

"A great hurry," Wesley added.

"He's in there," Compo grinned, pointing to the shed.

"Sometimes you do the wickedest things," Wesley sniggered.

Marina hurried into the shed and switched the light on. "Ohh! Norman Clegg that was!" She exclaimed, followed by Clegg's cry of distress.

Compo pulled the shed's sliding door shut and it clicked. "That should worry Norm for a bit..."

Inside the shed, Clegg looked like a timid little deer caught in the headlights. He slowly backed away, but found himself trapped.

"My my, this is cosy isn't it?" Marina said. "It's my lucky day! Getting into a confined space with Norman Clegg!"

"I just remembered...I think I left my iron plugged in," Clegg gulped, and dodged her advances. He ran to the door and tried to open it. It wouldn't budge.

"Oh no!"

"What's the matter?"

"The door's locked!" Clegg wailed.

"Getting locked in a confined space with Norman Clegg. Now that's even better!"

"Alright, you've had your fun, now let me out!" Clegg yelled, banging on the door.

Compo tugged at the door. "It's stuck. Does it need greasing?"

"No, it locks automatically when it's pulled shut like that," Wesley replied. "I've got this key though." He fumbled in the pocket of his overalls. "Oh...I did have. Now where's that key gone? Oh dear. It's the only key I have."

Foggy and Compo looked at each other. "Ye gods, man. You didn't think to get a spare key cut?"

"I can't think of everything," Wesley muttered. "This shed cost enough as it is."

"Where did you buy this shed?"

"From Auntie Wainwright. It cost me an arm and a leg."

"Then we'd better get over to her shop at the double, before poor old Clegg is eaten alive!"

Clegg was still pulling at the door, but it was useless. "How do I keep getting myself into these situations?" He groaned. "Am I being punished for sins in a previous life?"

"Oh let's have a look at it," Marina said, pulling at the handle. "No, you're right, it's definitely locked. I say, Norman, doesn't this bring back happy memories?"

"Of what?"

"Of that time in Leeds when we got trapped in that lift together?"

"No! Don't remind me of that, please! I'm still having therapy!"

Marina sat down on a blanket covered bench. She paused for a moment. "Was it really that bad? For me, it was one of the happiest days of my life."

Clegg ignored her. "I wish this shed had a window. It's even worse not being able to see out." He wondered where the others had gone. If this was a prank, it was a damned cruel one.

"I'm sure they'll let us out soon, Norman. The boys are just having a bit of fun. Though I don't know what Howard would say if he were to find out I'm locked in a shed with Norman Clegg."

"Howard's been grounded by Pearl," Clegg said at last, turning to face her. "I think it'll be a while before she lets him out of the house by himself."

She shrugged. "Oh well."

"I don't know why you keep wasting your time on Howard, the man is completely hopeless," Clegg continued. "He's terrified of Pearl, and he'll never dare leave her."

"A girl can dream..."

"You'll still be dreaming by the time your ninety then," Clegg said. "You could do so much better than Howard..." He froze, wondering why he'd blurted that out, and instantly regretted it.

"Why Norman, what are you trying to say?"

"Nothing, forget I said it," he mumbled, feeling himself starting to blush.

"Do come and sit down for a bit," Marina said, patting the bench. "I don't bite. Unless...you want me to that is!"

Clegg fiddled with his tie and removed his flat cap. The shed felt uncomfortably hot all of a sudden. After a long period of fidgeting about, he accepted defeat and sat down next to her.

"I must say, it's nice to be able to have a normal conversation for a change," Marina smiled, as Clegg nervously twiddled his thumbs. The perfume she was wearing was quite pleasant, and not the overpowering scent she normally doused herself with. Less was definitely more.

"What do you and Howard actually talk about?"

"Come to think of it, not a lot," she sighed. "We always seem to end up getting interrupted. Or distracted."

"Hmm. Not really an ideal situation for a relationship to develop is it?"

"I guess not. What you said earlier, do you really think Howard will never leave Pearl?"

Clegg nodded. "I do, Marina. I've known him for such a long time. He's as meek as a kitten. Whilst I'm sure he's very fond of you, deep down, I know he truly loves Pearl. And despite everything, she loves him too. I know you don't want to hear this."

"Then there's no-one out there for me," she sighed, burying her head in her hands.

"Now that's not true at all," he said.

She didn't look up, but continued weeping softly.

"Don't cry," Clegg said, reluctantly slipping an arm round her. "I didn't mean to upset you like this."

Marina looked up. "Did you mean that? When you said it wasn't true? Is there someone out there for me?"

"Of course there is," Clegg replied. "You're...really pretty."

She immediately brightened. "Oh Norman! You really think so?"

"Yes."

"Oh my." She gazed into his eyes, quite mesmerised by what she'd just heard, and for once, restrained herself from flinging her arms round him, as was her usual manner.

"Marina...before this goes any further, I need you to know that I have the greatest respect for you, and do not take this step lightly."

She blinked. "What step is that, Norman?"

Clegg closed his eyes and kissed her. After a brief pause, further long and sensual kisses followed, his tongue playing with hers.

Marina felt her heart race. "Oh Norman!"

Clegg began kissing her bare neck and shoulder, grateful she'd chosen to wear such a low-cut blouse. Slowly, he kissed her earlobe. Her skin was smoother than rose petals...it caused a throbbing in his groin. Marina closed her eyes as his lips caressed her throat and collarbone. The experience of having his tongue on her was almost indescribable. She realised she wanted much more.

"Ahh, more, please," she murmured, and he began unbuttoning her blouse and bra. His usual bashfulness had seemingly evaporated in an instant, and now, Marina hiked up her skirt and climbed on his lap. With him between her thighs, she bent to kiss him while he pulled her blouse down off her arms and dropped it onto the floor. Her bra followed as he released her into his waiting hands and mouth. Clegg slid his tongue between her pale breasts, stopping to deftly flick each nipple.

She wriggled forward and felt his erect cock rub against her through her lace panties.

He grinned and encouraged her to sit up briefly as he used one hand to move aside the wet fabric of her panties.

Marina wasted no time in unfastening his trouser button and fly. She shoved down his trousers and underpants to finally get a view of what she had already felt. She wasn't disappointed. Marina's reputation was undeserved - much as she chased many a man, she was never lucky enough to go beyond kissing a man, until now. Most cocks she'd seen were in porn magazines. Internet access was still a rarity in this part of Yorkshire.

"Ooh. Norman Clegg that was...and still is!"

He pulled her closer, guided himself to a place Howard would never dare to find, and she felt the welcome fullness of a nice hard penis inside her...

***

"I did say you could have a second key for a reasonable price, lad," Auntie Wainwright said to Wesley. "But you turned it down."

"Fifty quid isn't a reasonable price!" Wesley exclaimed. "It's daylight robbery."

"How else is a poor old lady supposed to make a living?"

"Why don't you just use a crowbar on the door?" Foggy suggested. "Poor Clegg won't last much longer. We've got to get him out of that shed!"

"I'm not having my new shed ruined with a crowbar!" Wesley shouted. "Okay, I'll buy the spare key." He rummaged in his pocket for some banknotes. "Edie will kill me for this."

"A pleasure doing business with you," Auntie smiled.

The three men hurried back as fast as they could. As they headed back up the road, Howard, who'd been hiding in the bushes, leapt out.

"By 'eck Howard, you'll get arrested one of these days," Compo said, noticing the man's ridiculous disguise of shabby trench coat and dark glasses.

"I managed to sneak out of the house," he said. "Pearl's gone out. Oh...where's Clegg?"

"Trapped in Wesley's shed with Marina," Foggy replied. "Having obtained a spare key, we're on the way to liberate him."

Howard looked like he was about to have a heart attack. "Marina and Cleggy...in Wesley's shed? W-what are they doing in Wesley's shed?"

"Knowing Clegg, he's probably begging for mercy."

"I'm coming with you!" Howard spluttered. "There's no telling what harm could befall a young lady if she's trapped in a shed!"

***

"Oh Norman!

"Oh Marina!"

Clegg had his hands on Marina's arse, encouraging her to move to meet his thrusts. It was exquisite; her insides gripped his length, and as she rolled her hips to meet each push, She was almost overwhelmed with sensation. The sounds of joy; the grunts of effort, the groans of delight, the slap of flesh.

What was that saying, something about beware the quiet ones? Marina had always suspected there was more to Norman Clegg lurking behind that timid exterior, but she never imagined he'd be as amazing as this.

He picked up his rhythm within her hot sheath, and it was electrifying for both of them. Marina rocked her hips as she again contracted her walls around his throbbing shaft. His pace increased as he continued his ecstatic climb, until with a low cry he felt himself explode and blissfully pour into her.

***

"Your father's been tampering with the gears on this car again," Edie grumbled, as she drove Ivy, Pearl, Nora and Glenda on the usual hair-raising journey home. Edie's terrible driving never improved, and the women prayed that the ordeal would soon be over. As the car turned a corner almost on two wheels, Pearl spotted Howard.

"I don't believe it. He's loose!"

Edie pulled up, much to the relief of her passengers.

"Howard!" Pearl yelled.

"He's with the usual suspects," Ivy remarked. "Up to no good as usual. When they keep running away like that, you know they're up to no good."

"Wesley Pegden!" Edie shouted, her accent slipping faster than usual. "Where are you going?"

"To rescue Norman Clegg," came his reply. "He's got locked in my shed with Marina."

The women looked at each other. Naturally, this was too good an event to miss, so Edie put her foot down and the car hurtled up the road.

"Does tha' think Clegg might need an ambulance once we get him out?" Compo asked as Wesley fumbled with the key.

"Maybe Marina's already given him mouth-to-mouth recussitation," Foggy grinned, much to Howard's discomfort.

Wesley slid the door open. Howard pushed him out of the way. "Alright Cleggy, you can come out now....ohhhh my God!" He stepped back and fainted.

Wondering what had shocked him, Ivy marched up to the shed. "What the blood and stomach pills!"

A chorus of gasps erupted.

"By 'eck, Norm's finally cured!" Compo gawped, and he too, fainted.

Edie simply raised her hand and covered Glenda's eyes.

"Oh dear, Norman. I think we've been discovered." Marina said, as she lay, sweaty, red-faced and naked, in the arms of an equally sweaty, red-faced and naked Norman Clegg.

Pearl smirked and raised an eyebrow, thinking that the two of them actually made a perfect couple.

"Beware the quiet ones. It's always the quiet ones!"