Big Bang Theory - Dungeons & Dragons

(My interpretation of S12, E16 The D & D Vortex)

(A story of complete fiction)

***

When Sheldon Cooper, a self-proclaimed genius physicist from Cal-Tech, heard that Professor Proton was being resurrected for television and that the title role was being re-cast, he immediately began recording promos for his audition. The original Professor Proton had been his childhood idol and he had actually met the late Arthur Jeffries on several occasions. He was confident that he could inspire aspiring scientists just as Arthur had, but in the end...Sheldon was Sheldon. To understand his audition, you would need a doctorate in physics. He had no clue how to communicate on a child's level, which was indicative of his inter-personal communication skills in general.

The role had been awarded to actor Wil Wheaton who, at one time, had also been an idol of Sheldon's for his role on Star Trek-the Next Generation. Sheldon's former roommate, and best friend, Leonard was married to former actress Penny and she had introduced Sheldon to Wil when they had worked together on the totally forgettable film, Serial Apeist 2. Now Sheldon had what can only be described as a tolerate/hate relationship with Wil. Sometimes Sheldon could tolerate, even pretend to be friends with Wil; other times he would just stand in his apartment and scream "WHEA-TON." This was one of those times.

One of Wil's first guests on the show was Sheldon's friend, Howard Wolowitz, a brilliant engineer who had actually traveled to the international space station. This burned Sheldon even more because he considered Howard to be inferior since he lacked a doctorate. Sheldon's wife, Amy Farrah Fowler Cooper, a renown biologist, had persuaded him to try buttering up Wil if he wanted to guest on the show: "you can catch more flies with sugar."

"You can catch even more with a pile of manure," he had replied, "so what's your point."

Through much cajoling by Amy, Wil had agreed to invite them both as guests. They had just been nominated for a Nobel Prize, and having such renowned scientists on his show was quite a coup for him (and the truth was, Wil actually got a big kick out of the stuffy Sheldon). While introducing them on the show, Wil remarked, "they have just been nominated for a Nobel Prize...for you kids, that's kind of like a Kid's Choice Award."

Sheldon had responded, "why would they let kids choose anything...they're kind of like larva."

"Well, they are actually our target audience," Will had reminded him.

"Oh, right," Sheldon acknowledged, "hey kids...toys are great, right."

"He should know," Amy added smiling, "he's got a hundred of them."

Wil continued, "you two have made a huge discovery that a lot of people are talking about...would you please explain."

Sheldon began to elaborate on their discovery using a litany of scientific jargon that made Wil's eye twitch, so he reminded Sheldon, "keep in mind that our average audience member is this many," and he held up nine fingers. Acting quickly to keep his viewers from switching channels, Wil crooked his head and asked, "oh, was that a doorbell."

Amy answered, "I didn't hear anything."

Stepping forward, Wil pressed a button on a control panel and the distinct sound of a doorbell could be heard. "Oh, there it is again...would you answer it Sheldon."

"But I don't know who it is," he told Wil.

"It might be a special guest who I invited just to surprise you," Wil teased, "why don't you open it up and find out."

Looking shocked, Sheldon replied, "that's a terrible message to send to children." Staring into the camera, "children you should never open the door unless you know who's on the other side. You should always make your mommy or daddy do it while you hide under the bed and imagine what your superhero name will be when you avenge their deaths."

"I'll answer it," Amy acted quickly to try and avoid another Sheldon meltdown.

Through the open door, William Shatner entered and said, "hello."

Jumping up and down like a child, Sheldon shouted, "Captain on the bridge...Captain on the bridge." Pointing, he excitedly added, "you're William Shatner."

"You can call me Bill."

"Can I call you Captain," Sheldon asked.

"No."

"Please," Sheldon begged.

"Sure," Shatner agreed.

"Will you call me Science Officer Cooper," Sheldon continued.

"Please stop," Shatner requested.

"I think you know how to make it stop," Sheldon answered.

Extending his hand in greeting, Shatner said, "put 'er there, Science Officer Cooper;" and the overwhelmed Sheldon immediately vomited all over his idol.

After constant teasing the next day, Sheldon realizes his friends are correct in that if he ever wants to be invited back to Wil's show, or meet William Shatner again, he must apologize to Wheaton. Ringing Wil's door in his familiar style: ding-dong "Wil Wheaton," ding-dong "Wil Wheaton," ding-dong "Wil Wheaton," he waits for Wil to answer.

Opening the door, Wil remarks, "now's not a good time Sheldon."

"For what," Sheldon asks.

"For you."

"But I have to apologize," Sheldon tells him.

"Apology accepted," Wil assures him.

A voice calls out from inside the house, "come on Wil, you have to play your domain card."

"Are you playing Dungeons & Dragons," Sheldon inquires.

"No," Wil answers.

Another voice can be heard, "hurry up...the map says this Dungeon is full of Dragons."

Looking him in the eyes, Wil again replies, "still no."

"Who are you playing with," Sheldon demands.

"Just some friends...no one you would know," Wil tells him.

The familiar voice of William Shatner drifts out the door, "Wheaton get back here...hob-goblins are at the gate and you're at the door buying Girl Scout cookies." As Sheldon's eyes open wide, Wil slams the door.

Rushing back to 4A where all his friends are eating take-out (as usual), Sheldon bursts into the room, out of breath, and announces, "guys...guys...Wil Wheaton hosts a celebrity Dungeons & Dragons game at his house."

"How do you know," Leonard asks.

"Who's there," Howard wants to know.

"Why are you all damp," Amy wonders.

"I was trying to peek in Wil's windows and he turned the sprinklers on," Sheldon confessed.

"Oh, that must mean they're really famous," Howard suggests.

"I'm almost positive I heard William Shatner's voice," Sheldon tells them.

"I wonder who else is there," Raj ponders.

Running to the white-board, Leonard begins to draw graphs trying to connect celebrities who play D & D with Wil Wheaton. Howard scrolls his phone and comes up with a picture on Instagram of a D & D game with Wil. "It's hashtag "game night" and Kevin Smith is there...and there's William Shatner."

"Do you see what I see, over his shoulder," Leonard asks.

"It looks like a ghost," Raj volunteers.

"I think it's Stuart," Howard says.

"It is Stuart," Sheldon agrees, "why would Wil invite Stuart and not us."

Penny looks at Amy and Bernadette and declares, "we all know the answer to that."

The four-nerds all wait in Howard's kitchen that evening until Stuart shows up, and greet him with cold stares. After sixty seconds of interrogation, Stuart spills the beans on his celebrity connection. He immediately calls Wil and tells him he can't take the pressure any more and to count him out of the weekly game.

Two days later, Leonard receives a call from Wil Wheaton: "Leonard, I have an opening for my D & D game next week. Here's the thing...you can't tell anyone...not Raj, not Howard and certainly, and I can't stress this enough, not Sheldon. I'm sorry to make you deceive your friends, but..."

He is interrupted by Leonard acknowledging, "sure...no problem...see you there."

When Leonard walked into his apartment after the D & D game, he was so high on adrenaline that he was almost walking on air. Even though sworn to secrecy by Wil, he was dying to tell Penny about the celebrities there. She told him, "well if it makes it any easier on you...I really couldn't care less who plays dungeons & Dragons."

"That's true," Leonard thought, "so since you don't care, it really wouldn't do any harm to tell you. Well, Kevin Smith was there...you know from the Silent Bob movies; and you know William Shatner was there; and this really, really tall guy named Kareem."

"Wait," Penny said, "you played Dungeons & Dragons with Kareen abdul-Jabbar?"

"Well he was Kareem something Jabbar...how do you know him," he asked.

"How do you NOT know him," Penny exclaimed, "that is so cool."

"And that guy who played the werewolf on True Blood was there," Leonard continued.

"What," Penny's eyes bugged out, "Joe Manganiello was there."

"Uh...yeah," Leonard confirmed.

"From Magic Mike," Penny shouted.

"What's that," Leonard wondered.

Quickly scrolling her phone, Penny pulled up a picture of the actor and asked, "does he look like this."

"Uh yeah...but he had his clothes on," Leonard assured her.

"I can't believe you met Joe Manganiello...was he nice," she urged him.

"Oh yeah...so nice," Leonard told her, "I rolled my dice under the sofa and he just lifted it up with one hand to get it."

"Yeah...I'll bet he did," Penny sighed while staring dreamily off into space.

Not being able to keep a secret, Penny recruited Bernadette and Amy and they all visited Wil on the set of Professor Proton. He greeted them, " hey...what are you guys doing here."

Amy replied, "I think Sheldon left something on the set."

"Oh, you mean besides his lunch," Wil scoffed.

All three laughed heartily and Will caught on immediately: "Leonard told you, didn't he?"

"Yep," they all shook their heads.

"Manganiello," he asked.

"Yep," they replied, almost in a trance. He thanked them for coming and told them he would consider them if their was a vacancy.

A few days later, Penny received a call and Wil invited her to join that night's game, "Kevin is on location, so we need another player...I'll pick you up in front of your building."

When she got into his car, Wil asked her to put on a blindfold: "I have a plumbing problem at my house so the game is at Shatner's. Word is that you can't keep a secret, so he doesn't want you to know where he lives."

"Well, I should be offended about the "secret" thing, but it's the truth so OK...but if I feel a hand on my thigh, someone is going to need a dentist," she agreed.

Wil chuckled, but couldn't help notice that her incredible breasts were obviously swaying freely under her rather flimsy shirt, and did indeed have the urge to molest her. After a short drive, she could feel the car going uphill and Wil told her to take the blindfold off. Shatner's house was a mansion with a secluded private driveway...very impressive. Entering the house, Wil instructed her: "there's just one thing...Bill's kind of a fanatic about it...we have to take off our shoes here in the foyer." There was a large boot tray, already half full of some pretty huge sneakers and they added theirs.

Penny thought she was going to strain her neck as she walked through the house; each room more impressive than the last. Finally in the "game room," Wil introduced her to Shatner, who remarked, "I can't believe you're married to Leonard...there must be more to him than meets the eye."

"A lot more," Penny assured him defensively.

"I like your moxie," William told her winking, obviously flirting with the gorgeous actress.

"And I like your grandpa words," she replied, immediately shooting him down.

"Penny, this is Kareem abdul-Jabbar," Wil offered.

Looking up at the ceiling and feeling like a dwarf, Penny shook his giant hand and realized that his fingers alone were longer than her entire hand. "Pleased to meet such a legend," she greeted him.

"The pleasure is all mine," he told her. "This is my friend Warren Sapp. He's in town visiting so I invited him to the game. We became good friends when he played for the Raiders."

Standing in front of another giant of a man, she shook hands with the former NFL great. He also towered over her and seemed nearly as wide as he was tall, as his shaved black head gleamed.

Lastly, she was shaking hands with Joe Manganiello, and she was speechless. She had read where was like six foot five and he also made her seem small. "Wow...Leonard bragged about you all night, but you are even more lovely than I imagined," he told her.

"Th-thanks," she finally was able to verbalize as they all got settled in their seats. The "game room " resembled a banquet hall and there was a huge wooden dining table behind the game table. The walls were lined with display cases filled with Shatner's souvenirs and memorabilia from his many acting gigs. Swords and medieval weapons adorned the walls.

William quickly served everyone a huge wooden tankard filled with what looked like beer, but he explained for her benefit. "We try to get into the medieval mood with the steins and mead. Just in case you're not up on your history...mead is a form of beer made from fermented honey. This particular batch is about twenty percent alcohol. The most potent commercially marketed beer is about five percent."

Penny had been practicing her D & D with Bernadette and Amy and as they settled in to play, she was feeling quite comfortable...even taking her eyes off Manganiello occasionally. Her character was Glycinda the Warrior, and progressed through the game virtually unscathed until she lost her sword and was trapped in a Dungeon by a horde of ogres. Shatner had been refilling their tankards and everyone was feeling the buzz as their words and reactions became more demonstrative and bawdy.

Assuming the roles of the ogres, the guys all leaped up, grabbed swords from the display cases and began to pretend fight. "I think it's time the wench payed dearly for her transgressions," Shatner proclaimed.

"I agree," Joe shouted as he thrust his hand under Penny's armpit and forced her to stand.

Feeling no pain, Penny's head was spinning and she wasn't about to refuse a request by Manganiello. Warren Sapp grasped her other arm and held her in place as she faked a struggle, wondering what they had planned. She didn't have to wait long as Shatner stepped up in front of her, grabbed the neckline of her shirt in his hand and yanked downward. Her buttons went flying in all directions and the cloth easily ripped, exposing her breasts to the group. Again feigning to struggle, she increased their arousal by causing her magnificent tits to bounce and flop. They were marvels of nature; a full 36 C capped by large elliptical areola surrounding pink gumdrop nipples which were already erect and begging for attention.

Sapp suddenly exclaimed, "I knew you looked familiar...you were in Serial Apeist...I would recognize those beautiful tits anywhere."

For some reason this caused Penny to blush, and she blurted out, "thanks...Serial Apeist One and Two."

Shatner had retrieved a wavy dagger from the display cases and proceeded to slit the sleeves of her delicate shirt until the garment dropped to the floor. He whispered in her ear, "sorry about the shirt...I'll give you an original Star Trek uniform shirt to wear home...Leonard will be so excited he'll never ask why you are wearing it."

"Wow, you are gorgeous," Kareem remarked when he saw her bare chest, "you could have been a Lakers Girl."

"OK wench," Shatner demanded, getting back in character, "where did you hide the treasure.."

Totally aroused now, "Penny refused, "I'll never tell...do your worst...you can't make me talk."

"You heard her," Shatner ordered, "let's see how much she can take before she talks."

Kareem kneeled in front of her, hooked his long fingers under the waistband of her favorite black leggings, and peeled them down and off her shapely legs, leaving her clothed in just a tiny pale blue thong. "Your legs are incredible," Kareem complimented her as he ran his giant hands up and down her silky-smooth flesh. Penny could feel the moisture seeping out of her pussy as the NBA great stood up in front of her like a graceful giraffe.

"I'll finish the job," Shatner volunteered as he again used the dagger; this time to slice through the thin strands of cloth at the sides of her thong. The pale blue material dropped to the floor, exposing Penny's totally bald mound glistening with her arousal.

Joe held her with one hand and ran his other down to fondle and cup her perfectly round ass cheeks. "That ass is a work of art," he proclaimed while continuing to rub and squeeze.

"Yeah, Joe is a real ass-man," Shatner told her, "you've seen his wife...she was blessed in that department." Penny had nearly forgotten that Manganiello was married to Sofia Vergara, and shivered at his compliment.

Stepping forward, Wil reached out to run his palm over Penny's right breast and admitted, "I can't you tell how hard I wished your bikini would slip when we were filming Serial Apeist 2...I just knew they were incredible." He added his other hand and began to squeeze and bounce her tits in his hands. They were so soft and warm, and the flesh undulating in his hands was almost mesmerizing. Leaning forward, Wil fastened his lips around her left areola and sucked, tickling her nipple with his tongue.

Sapp and Manganiello held her up while fondling and squeezing her completely firm ass cheeks, occasionally leaning over to lick the sides of her neck or nibble on her ears. Leonard could have told them that her earlobes and the sides of her neck were some of her most responsive erogenous zones. Wil shuffled his feet to the side a bit allowing Kareem to, once again, kneel in front of Penny's nude body. Caressing her creamy thighs with his huge hands, he watched as droplets of moisture trickled down her legs. Instinctively Penny spread her legs, inviting further attention and Kareem massaged her plump lips with his thumbs.

They surrounded her slit like two halves of a peach and he marveled at how they were naturally separating as she became more aroused. It was like watching a flower blossom in slow motion as her inner lips unfolded and exposed themselves. Her clit was now visible and he leaned in to nuzzle it with his nose while snaking his tongue up and down her slit. Penny's knees became weak as her whole body trembled, and she would have fallen if not for Warren and Joe. Kareem spread her lips with his thumbs and began to slide his index finger up into her pussy. His finger had to be eight inches long and he was able to manipulate the tender flesh deep inside her cunt. "Mmmmmmm," she groaned as he added his middle finger to her hole and began to slide them in and out...finger-fucking the beautiful blond.

Just as Kareem leaned in and sucked her clit into his mouth, someone (she thought it was Joe) began to snake a finger up into her tight anus. Lubricated by the juices dripping down her leg, it slid easily inside. "Oh shit," she moaned as her body twitched and her pussy contracted around Kareem's fingers.

"Holy shit, guys," Kareem hooted, "her pussy clamped down on my fingers like a vice...this is going to be fun!"

"I think it's time for some serious interrogation," Shatner declared as he pointed toward the impressive wooden table. It was enormous; made out of irregularly cut wood at least two inches think and polished to a reflective sheen. Joe and Warren backed Penny's nude form up to the edge of the table and then lifted her to a sitting position. It was cool on her ass but she didn't even notice...she was hot enough to melt an ice floe. Shatner pulled heavy metal shackles off the wall; souvenirs of a Star Trek episode; and handed them to her two captors.

As they snapped them onto Penny's silky wrists and ankles, she noted that since they were props, they were heavily lined with velvety cloth and not at all uncomfortable. "Jeez, Bill," Wil admonished him, "won't they scratch your table."

"Oh, to Hell with that," Shatner responded, "we have to go all Wrath of Khan on her."