Big Decisions

Then she wanted me to know that the paperwork would be ready Wednesday and when did I want it to be served. I told her to wait a while, because Lee was in a bad way. I had made a sort of promise to Milt.

The kids had decided to go to school, even though Big L's death, and his escapades over the week before, were big news. I was alone, and I decided to work. I did half a day for the Army. I did two or three hours on my own stuff. I picked up the girls from school, after their extra hours. We had pizza. It's what I could do, and they liked my pizza. We had a good evening, but they asked, both, at bedtime about if their mom was going to return. I spoke honestly about that.

"I don't think we will have the same arrangements as before. I cannot say just what the future will bring. But I don't see us getting back to what we were. Something different is in store. But we both will always love you two."

Tuesday Milt called. Ellen was also on the call. They wanted to meet. I said I'd come to the Starbucks.

When we got our drinks, Milt said he had been in touch with a psychologist, who did family counselling. He asked me to participate, with Lee. Ellen said that if we got divorced based on adultery, the court would probably order counselling anyway.

"Okay," I said. " But....Okay. If we actually get into it, go in depth, I don't see that helping her. I won't lie."

Ellen said, "We aren't asking you to lie. Just to go softly. Listen to the shrink. Talk to Lee. Otherwise, I think she's in big trouble. L's accident seemed to frighten her. We haven't told her you were there."

The first session was set for the next Monday at ten am. I arrived right on the dot of ten, not wanting to wait in a room with Lee. The counselor was Sylvia Price, a psychologist and certified family counselor. She was a woman of about fifty years, a little plump, but pleasant. She ushered up into her office. Up to that point, Lee and I had not spoken. She didn't look well. She was pale and kept rubbing her hands together.

Dr. Price informed us about the nature of her practice, which included dealing with cases of marital infidelity. She asked me what my goal was in the counselling.

"I'd like to move forward with my life. I hope to remain a good father to my children. I don't believe a marital reconciliation is possible."

"Lee, your goals?"

"I want my old life back. Maybe that's not going to happen. But I'd like to remain Marty's wife, even if things must be different from before."

Dr. Price looked at each of us. "As I understand the situation, Lee went to Miami on a work conference. She met a man that she knew from university, and they then spent several nights together. The man was well known, and the two were publicly linked.

Is that why we're here?"

Lee said, "Yes. I didn't believe that the......that my relationship in Miami would become public. I thought it was only going to be while I was away from my family."

Dr. Price asked, "If that's true, why did you go out dancing with Mr. Johnson? You must have known that he was a famous person."

"I thought it would be fun. It wasn't near the hotel. It was fun, actually."

"But, you knew that your co-workers would become aware that you were having this relationship. Surely you could see that Marty would soon become aware of it. Perhaps not so soon as he did. Let's just set that aside for the moment."

"Okay."

"Marty, could you explain why it is that you are so sure that the marriage is over."

I looked directly at Lee, "Because Lee was the one person in this world that I loved and trusted the most. So when I saw that she was willing to betray me so easily, and openly, I....I...was devastated. My grandparents died in a crash. I felt bad for a long time, and I hurt. But that is nothing like this. Nothing.... I will never, ever put myself in a position to be crushed like that. If Lee could do that to me.....anyone could. I could never give her -- or anyone -- that power again."

Lee was openly sobbing while I said this. I wanted to put it out there on the line -- that I would never feel any trust in her.              

"How do you feel, seeing her like this?"

"Just sad, and also very angry. It was so....so....blatantly cruel to me. And to her children as well. If...even if it was done out of stupidity, without meaning to hurt, it was so bad, and for what? Three nights with some stud you wanted in school?" I looked right at her when I asked that.

Lee sobbed out, "No, no....I don't know why I did it."

Dr. Price said, "Calm down, Lee. Is it true that you had some sexual feelings for Mr. Johnson when you were at school?"

"Yes. He was a big, handsome and famous guy. He came on to me then. But I was with Marty, and I said no."

I said, "Then how come you said yes in Miami?"

"I was feeling a little stale in the months leading up to this. We were all so busy. I was happy to get some days in Miami. I thought it might rejuvenate things. But as soon as I got there, I saw Larry. He gave me a big hug, and I knew that I wouldn't be putting him off if he wanted me. It was just that fast. I can't understand it."

I said, "We had great sex the night before you left, right? Or did you fake that?"

"No, that was real. I was still tingling from it on the flight. Shit! I'm so fucked up."

Lee was crying again. I had tears, but also the simmering anger was coming back. I didn't believe I could hold it in. I got up and walked into the outer office. I was ready to punch some furniture, when Dr. Price came out.

"Why don't you head down to the men's room for a minute. I can speak to Lee alone. Then I can speak to you alone."

I did that. The two of them spent about fifteen minutes in there. Lee came out, not crying now. "I'm sorry, Marty." She left on that note.

Dr. Price asked me, "Marty, how do you feel about Mr. Johnson's death?"

"I was there, you know. I watched him die. I was happy that he was dead. I might have killed him myself, but he got hit first. I guess that's messed up, but it's true."

"And now?"

"The same, maybe less. That guy ruined my entire life for a fuck. I felt cheated that I couldn't kill him."

"Why does Lee's adventure with Larry mean the ruin of your whole life?"

"I was a family man. No more. What I said about betrayal -- I'll never get over this. I cannot imagine meeting someone who I would be able to trust. Lee just broke that."

"But it's just been a few days. Let me ask you, have you thought about how good the sex was between Lee and Larry?"

"Yes. I could see on the YouTube that they were absolutely lusting for each other."

"And that made you feel?"

"Betrayed. It was the worst possible betrayal. Lee....however this comes out, she always can remember her fantastic sex drenched fling. If we stayed married, I'd always believe that she was thinking of him while we were fucking. You know, I want to ruin that memory for her. And I fully intend to do that. It's the least I can do."

"That is a hard attitude. This is a woman that you deeply loved."

"Past tense. I did love her deeply. That's why it hurts so much. She gutted me."

That ended the session. She asked me to consider what sort of living arrangements could be worked out if we were to split.

LEE'S STORY

I was assigned the task of writing out the facts about Miami, and why I was so weak. Also, I am setting out how a reconciliation between me and Marty could work.

Before the Miami trip, I had been feeling adrift, with no enjoyment of things that I used to love. Work was becoming routine. Family life was also routine. This had been going on for some months. I had a vague feeling of staleness.

I was looking forward to the Miami trip. A guy at work, Brady Bean, had been coming on to me since he transferred into the office. I easily put him off for months, treated him as a joke. It didn't discourage him. He wasn't any Adonis. But he was okay looking, and he had a cheerful way about him. I wasn't offended when he kept after me.

When we realized that we would both be going to Miami, he started to play that up as a chance to sleep together without any recriminations. I let him know that I wasn't interested. But I knew he'd keep at me. And I was flattered. I considered his scenario. But there was no way I would have sex with him. Too risky, even if he was super-attractive, which he wasn't.

But Larry was at our hotel when we checked in. He definitely was super-attractive. He gave me a hug, with some gusto. Right away, I was lost. I knew he could have me, in Miami, if he went for it. He knew it as well, because he went for it right away. He took my arm, guided me away for a minute, and asked if Marty was here with me. When I said no, he told me he had a room in the hotel, and would be here until Friday. He simply said that he wanted me, and he knew I wanted him. I agreed to go out to dinner with him.

I am unable to explain fully why I was such an easy mark. A slut. Marty and I had had great sex the night before. I was still revved up. And then Larry. Nowhere near home, a free pass, I thought.

I never once thought about Marty and what might happen if he discovered that I cheated. At least, I can't recall thinking about it. But I must have. If I had met Larry in Virginia, I could have turned him down, I'm sure. But I told myself that I was in another world for a few days.

Larry and I both knew at dinner that we were going straight back to his room. We skipped dessert. As soon as we got the door closed, Larry pulled me into a kiss, and we were off to the races. We both just stripped off. I was thinking of absolutely nothing but his beautiful body and big dick. I was wet and he was hard. There was no oral foreplay involved. He carried me to his bed, tossed me onto it. I spread my legs for him, and he fucked me hard and long. When he first entered me, I felt as if I might die from coming. I came fast and hard around his big cock. He was not too much longer than Marty, but wider. Every push into me rubbed my clit. After a while, when I had numerous orgasms, I felt him come inside me. Pulse after pulse. I passed out.

He woke me. He was kissing my breasts. I looked at his cock. It was hard again. I moved to it, and sucked him into my mouth all at once. I was like a banshee with that blow job. It didn't take him long to finish in my mouth. I swallowed every drop.

It went on like that. The next morning. I missed breakfast with the crew, and only just made it to the meeting. I was freshly fucked, and I was sure they all knew. I got some sideways looks, but no direct comments. I did give some thought to the idea that one of them would call Marty. But I discounted that. They knew nothing, just assumed.

The sex with Larry was the best of my life. I believe it was the combination of being away from home, with no need to rush home for family, and his muscled, smooth body with its oversized cock. Also, he seemed to want me as much as I wanted him. He was able to have most any woman. But he was with me. My lust for him was completely overpowering. After the meetings, I called him. We went straight to his room, fucked for two hours, then ordered room service. Then we did it some more. He had my ass. I had never done that before. Marty didn't want to do it, and neither did I. But Larry wanted it and it was his.

The morning brought the same sideways looks. I worried a little. But I met Larry in his room at 5:00, and we spent until 8:00 in bed. The sex was still amazing. But it wasn't quite as mind-blowing as the first night. Or the second. We had room service, and then he told me to dress nice, we were going out dancing. That's what we did. That's how I got onto YouTube.

I watched the YouTube clip of us recently. I knew that Marty had seen it the same night. I understood what he would have seen. He would have seen his loving wife openly, publicly lusting on another man.

When we finished that dance, we went back to the hotel and fucked some more. I had a flight out the next morning. When I woke up, Larry and I did some oral sex, fucked in the shower, and dressed. I ate breakfast in his room. Then I went back to my room to pack. My roommate, Cindy, told me that I was on YouTube dancing. She said it was 'salacious.'

I was filled with a dread that almost floored me. I knew I was toast. I saw Bart Kovaks, Marty's good friend, as we were getting on the bus to go to the airport. I asked him if Marty had called. (I had had no calls with Marty while I was gone. I hadn't checked the phone. He had called each night, voicemail.)

Bart told me that Marty had seen the YouTube dance, and that he knew that I had spent each night with Larry. I went numb. The flight home was awful. No one would talk to me. I sat next to the window, with a strange guy in the next seat. I knew that Larry was on the flight, but I didn't see him.

I deplaned, still didn't see Larry. I got my luggage, and he came up to me. He asked me if I would be okay. I told him that I probably would never be okay again. He seemed depressed by that.

I never gave any thought to the idea that Marty would pick me up. I stood in the cab line. When I got a cab, the guy put Larry in the same one. We were going to places close to each other.

In the cab, Larry said he was sorry for the YouTube thing. He didn't think. I told him that I didn't really want to talk. I told the cab to drop Larry first. I went home and couldn't get into the house. When Marty answered the door, I saw how totally devastated and angry he was. I fled.

Since then, I have been living with my folks. I have been in a state of almost total numbness. I had tried to speak to the girls, but Betsy pushed me away. How could I blame her?

We did connect on a telecall. That was better. It took me an hour to prep for that. Now I'm in counselling. After that first session, I believed that my marriage was over. Marty's explanation of his feelings was obviously affecting. I can't see now how to get by his anger and grief. And, I can't see how I can ever ask for his trust again. I don't deserve it.

Then there's Larry. He's dead. Hit by a car. When my mom told me, I was so sorry. He had asked me to call him as we were in the cab. In truth, I might have called. But he's gone. I feel another kind of empty about that. If I ever again have sex with a man, I'm sure I'll be remembering sex with Larry. Except now, maybe not. I can't shake the feeling that if I had resisted him, he'd be alive. It doesn't make sense, but it's there. I'm so fucked.

MARTY AGAIN

Things at home are settling down. School for the twins has been rough, but not impossible. Betsy is angry still. Linda misses her mother. Betsy, too, I think. Every night they use a teleconference. Lee looks a little better, but it's hard to tell from the short time of the call.

Our second counselling session was similar to the first, except that each of us had an individual session before the joint one.

Dr. Price said, "Have you thought about what things might make it possible for you two to reconcile?"

"Yes. I couldn't think of any. Sorry."

"Do you think that, if you understood why Lee strayed with Larry, you might be able to work toward trusting her? If you knew what caused it, and maybe could see how to stop it?"

"That's foolish, sorry to say. I think she just wanted to fuck the guy, and thought she could do it without consequence. Isn't that what she said? I didn't believe her, though. I believed her about lusting for Larry. But I believe she wanted to be caught. Why?"

"Good question. Maybe ask her."

"Doc, this is not going to end with us together. Senseless betrayal cannot be overcome. Betrayal because she thought she could get away with it cannot be overcome."

"What about if she wanted to be caught, somehow?"

"And that might be the worst. That would mean that she simply wanted out of the family. Away from me. Away from her life. Wanted drama. You know, if Larry was alive, I believe she'd be with him now."

Our joint session began and ended with her apologizing. I didn't buy it. And even if she was sorry -- even if she could really explain her actions -- I couldn't be with her. It would be like being next to a ticking time bomb.

I had the lawyer serve the papers.

LEE

I was served with the divorce papers today. I'm continuing to write in this journal, as it might lead to some insight in the future. At our counselling session this week, I saw that Marty was less angry. He seemed calmer. That was my sign that we were through. I read about this, stages of grief. One of the final one is acceptance. Marty has accepted the fact that we will divorce, and that my fling has ended the marriage. I wasn't surprised by the papers. I will have to see a lawyer. I've been back to work this last week. My reception was frosty. They all knew that I was a slut who destroyed my family life. Even Brady Bean left me alone. Too bad for him, he might have had some success now. I bet he starts up soon, since he knows I'm a slut.

The lawyer said that I should ask for joint custody of the girls. He said that since Marty owned the house when we married, he would stay in it. He had been the parent most at home for some years. So, I could hope to have the girls alternate weeks, if I lived in their area for school. Or maybe alternate weekends. It was all so depressing.

I told the lawyer that I admitted the adultery in Miami. I asked him to hurry the proceedings. I didn't want any money from Marty. Apparently, he didn't want any from me. The savings are to be split 50/50. No muss, no fuss. All those years down the drain, and all I had was a fucking memory. I did better than Larry, though. I realized that I didn't feel sorry for him. I know I was equally at fault. But that leaves his part. He didn't have to have me. He could have had anyone. Why me? I'll never know.

Dr. Price suggested that my dancing, and openly sexual behavior, and my utter failure to do much to hide the infidelity, might mean that I wanted to get a new life, more exciting. I believe that's not true. She said Marty thought I wanted to be discovered. And then be free. Well, I'm free now. I hate it. I have no appetite. I have no appetite for sex. If I get tense, I use the vibrator. I don't go out to bars. I repeatedly turned down Brady Bean. I don't even feel tempted. And it would be so easy. I wonder how long this malaise will last?

MARTY

The divorce came through today. I have primary custody of the twins, who will live in the same house that they always have. Lee has them every other weekend, two weeks in summer, and either Thanksgiving or Christmas. I imagine they'll have two of each holiday. Maybe more presents at Christmas.

The final settlement was he same as we have been doing for the last six months, since Lee got an apartment about two miles away. I told Milt and Ellen that they were welcome any time. They come over often, and I'm sure they see the girls on Lee's weekends.

I haven't dated. I have had a few hook ups. There are some divorced women who were in our circle of friends. I've had 'dates' with three. I go to dinner with them, or bowling. We go back to the house with no kids for that week, and we fuck. The sex is very good, usually. I believe that goes for all of us. But I've made it quite clear to all three that my recent experience has scarred me, and that there will be no permanence or exclusivity involved. They all know what happened. Everyone in our community knows. So, they understand. I still think that two believe that some day I will overcome my gun-shy attitude. I don't think so. That's a long road, without any reason to believe there's a terminus. The pain I went through, pure anguish, seeing Lee with that jerk, will never leave me. So far, when I think about it, it's just as intense. I try not to think about it.

The twins have adapted. Linda is good with Lee, but Betsy isn't so easy. She holds a grudge very well. She's a lot like me. Maybe that's too bad. I haven't discussed this with Lee, just with Ellen. Lee and I don't talk much. She knows I don't want any actual conversation. The less I see of her, the better. Seeing her is very painful. It's to be avoided.