Big Dirk Allen and the Tiny Blonde VII

Eventually he found it, not a door, but a ladder. It was bolted to the wall and led to a trapdoor in the ceiling.

"Yes!" He pumped his fist. "Hold on Tina. I'm coming." He stood still for a moment and quietly laughed. "Coming."

That's how these sorts of things always ended, with Dirk cumming. Whenever he and Tina found themselves in danger they always managed to fuck their way to safety. It was probably his favorite part of being a secret agent. He'd grown so used to it that life threatening situations gave him a literal hardon. Tina's life was in danger now and he was ready to do his part and fuck her. But he couldn't fuck her until he found her.

He climbed that ladder faster than he could sneeze.

"Time's up, Mom!" Dirk shouted as he burst through the floor. "Get it. Time's up, because you're in a clocktower." He thought about that for a second. "Except, really, you're in a statue. I should've said 'Don't move, Mom!' That would've been better for a statue."

He wasn't sure what he had expected the inside of a statue to look like, but this wasn't it. This was so dull and cold. Where was the furniture he was going to rearrange? There was a table and a big ray gun, nothing else. Moving them back and forth wouldn't confuse anyone.

He peered up to see the inside of Matthias Middle's head and the lantern the city founder held up to guide the city. There were pigeons roosting in the lantern, the lantern that was a symbol of hope to Middleburg. That, more than anything, was a disappointment.

"Dirk?" Tina called. "What are you doing here?"

Tina, on the other hand, was not a disappointment. She looked great, dangling from a giant hook in the middle of the room. She was working the sleek, disheveled style with her blouse untucked and her hair all messed up. Furthermore, the way her arms were stretched above her head accentuated her breasts. The blindfold was kind of kinky too.

He'd have no problem fucking her like this. It'd be fun working the swing action of the hook. And since she couldn't see him, he'd do different voices, pretending to be a whole slew of guys taking turns. She'd know it was only him, but the roleplay would turn her on. The right circumstances brought out Tina's nasty streak. It was one of the things Dirk liked best about her.

"Dirk?" she said again.

"Yes. Sorry." He blinked a couple times. "Just planning ahead."

"Finally we meet, Mr. Allen," a nondescript voice said.

Dirk turned his head to see an average looking person standing near the ray gun. They wore a brown hoodie and faded jeans.

"You're not my mother."

"No," the person agreed.

"General Zero?"

"Yes."

"I thought you'd be wearing a military uniform and a pair of mirrored sunglasses," Dirk said. "Maybe carrying a riding crop."

Zero raised an eyebrow. "That's not a bad ensemble. I could pull that off."

"You could," Dirk agreed. "I worked as a professional model. I have an intuition for this sort of stuff. Add black lipstick and leather gloves; you'd be unstoppable."

"As soon as I'm done destroying Middleburg, I'll get right on it."

"Oh, that reminds me." He looked back at Tina. "Did you ask about pronouns?"

"Of course she did," General Zero said. "She's not a monster."

"Zero, a suggestion," Tina said as she dangled from the hook. "Dirk is not going to get ze and zir. He'll try. He'll put honest effort into it, but he will fail and it'll be painful for all of us."

"Agreed." Zero turned back to Dirk and flashed him a friendly smile. "They and their are fine."

"But not them?" Dirk asked. "What do I use instead of them?"

"Them too," they said. "They, their and them."

"Ok." He assumed a menacing position and shouted. "Put up them hands, Zero, and freeze. Time is up... or don't move." He angrily shook his head. "Darn it! I can't remember the clever thing I was supposed to say."

"Dirk, darling," a woman's voice said. "You're embarrassing yourself."

"Mom!" He spun around to see an older, elegant woman emerging from the trapdoor in the floor. "Were you downstairs the whole time? Were you hiding behind that lifelike statue of you?"

In many ways it had been a relief to see General Zero instead of his mother. At some point he was going to have to have sex with Tina and he wasn't looking forward to his mother's critical eye. When Zero was the only villain, it seemed like he was in the clear. But now his mother was here. He might very well have performance issues.

Delia Villa-Allen stood and brushed the dust from her knees. She still wore her prison orange, yet somehow she managed to make it look classy. Reaching out her hand to Dirk, she said, "There's a lot we need to talk about, but first, take these pills for Mommy." In her open palm were four large gelatin capsules, two red and two yellow.

"Dirk, no!" Tina yelled, but it was too late.

He was so used to swallowing whatever his mother gave him, he snatched the pills from her hand and downed them before he had time to think about it.

"That's my boy." She patted him on the cheek. "No matter what happens next, please remember that I love you and I forgive you for sending me to prison."

"I can't see what's going on," Tina said, "but it sounds bad."

"I don't forgive you." Dirk swallowed again. The last pill was stuck in his throat. He should have asked for a glass of water. "I don't forgive you for building a sex bomb or trying to take over the city or experimenting on me. And I certainly don't forgive you for giving me these freakish super powers."

"Dirk, honey-" she started to say, but he interrupted her.

"Actually, the powers have been handy this past year." He pulled at the collar of his T-shirt. The soft, cotton fibers were irritating his skin. "I need them if I'm going to defeat General Zero. But I still don't forgive you."

"For the last time, my experiments did not give you your powers." Delia rolled her eyes. "All I did was learn how to take them away from you."

"What does that mean?" The room was getting hotter. It was almost as if he was burning up from the inside out. "I feel weird." He turned to Tina. "Do you feel weird?"

She struggled against her bonds, swinging her legs and pulling at the ropes around her wrists. "Dirk," she shouted, "get out of here!"

Was it time to have sex now? Was that why Tina was trying so hard to get off the hook?

"Honey, sweetie." His mother put a hand on his shoulder. "Sit down before you fall down."

He turned his head back toward her and the floor seemed to turn with him. "I don't have to do what you tell-"

Then he fell down.

* * * * *

There was no time to panic. The thud Tina had heard sounded exactly like the body of a tall, muscular man with amazing bone structure hitting the ground. She didn't know if Dirk was alive or not, but she refused to surrender to her emotions.

With a burst of energy she didn't know she had, she pulled her hands free of the ropes and dropped one meter to the floor. Before Zero or Villa-Allen could react, she somersaulted under the table, yanked the blindfold from her head and untied the ropes around her ankles.

"Oh my gosh," Dirk muttered, still crumpled on the ground. "I feel weak... and slow... and tired. I feel really tired."

"Good job, Delia," Zero said. "I wasn't sure you could do it, but you did."

"You'll keep your part of the deal?" Villa-Allen asked. "You won't harm my son?"

"Sure." Zero shrugged. "A deal is a deal."

Having ascertained the situation, Tina knew what she had to do. With the agility of a practiced gymnast, she rolled out from under the table and grabbed the large chunk of silver mica off of it.

"You won't win, Zero!" She stood and held the flakey mineral in both hands over her head. "You can't finish your mica deathray without the mica!" She dug her fingers into the mica, causing little flecks to break off and flutter to the floor like a sparkly shower.

"Stop or I'll kill him!" Zero shouted before pulling a tube from zir pocket and placing it to zir lips.Tina estimated the tube to be a centimeter wide and 17.78 centimeters long, the perfect dimensions for a blow dart gun.

"Seriously?" Delia muttered. "It took you less than 30 seconds to break our deal."

Dirk wearily looked up, squinting his eyes to focus them on the blow dart gun. "Destroy the mica. Let them shoot me," he said. "They use a slow acting poison and we know how to counteract it." He turned his head to address his mother. "Do you mind leaving? Tina and I are going to get naked and have crazy, hallucinogenic sex. I know you're just my adopted mother, but I still don't want you here for that."

"It's a different poison," Zero announced. "After you survived the last one, I switched to a faster acting toxin. See." Ze inhaled sharply and blew into the tube, aiming it a little higher than before.

The dart hit Delia Villa-Allen right where her shoulder met her neck. "Son of a bitch!" she said and then she dropped down dead, her glassy eyes open and staring at nothing.

"Mom?" Dirk crawled over to Delia and gently nudged her arm with his hand. "You killed her." His voice caught in his throat. "You killed my mother before I could resolve all my oedipal issues. How could you do that?"

General Zero looked Tina straight in the eyes. "Give me the mica or I kill your boyfriend."

"He's not my boyfriend." She sounded brave, but she had never been so scared in her life.

"He is or he isn't," ze said. "Doesn't change the choice you have to make. It's either him or the city of Middleburg."

"Tina." Dirk slowly climbed to his feet. "It's okay. This is why there's a Rule 96. Do what you have to do. I understand."

If only the blow dart gun had been aimed at her. She would have happily laid down her life to save the city. That was an easy sacrifice to make. But at some point Dirk had become more important than everyone else in the world combined. She couldn't lose him.

"Take it," she said. "Take the damn mica."

"What?" Dirk stared at her, his eyes wide and his mouth open.

"Ha ha, yes!" Zero danced over to her and snatched the mica from her hands. "I knew it. I win!"

Tina met Dirk's disbelieving eyes. What would he think of her now, knowing that he was her greatest weakness? "I'm sorry." She was overcome with shame.

"I..." He looked away from her and then back again. "I love you too."

He moved with the confidence of a man who hadn't just had his super powers stripped away. It only took three determined strides for him to cross the secret room. He pulled Tina into his arms and he kissed her.

She surrendered to him, melting into his embrace and opening her mouth to accept his questing tongue. Maybe they had failed as secret agents, but they could finally admit their true feelings.

Tina loved Dirk. She loved him with all her heart. So what if he no longer had mysterious super powers. It didn't matter if his IQ was below average. She hardly cared that he was exceptionally good looking and incredibly talented in bed. She loved him despite of all that. She loved the goodness in his soul.

"Mica is installed," Zero muttered as ze tinkered on the deathray. "Just have to make a few adjustments..."

Dirk broke the kiss and gazed down at her. His summer green eyes were filled with hope. That was another thing she loved about him.

"Zero hasn't won yet," he whispered. "We can still beat them, but we have to find some other way, because I'm in no condition to- Oh wait." He took a step back and glanced down at his crotch. "Look at that. Corporal Dick is reporting for duty. I didn't think I'd be able to do it with my mother's dead body in the room, but apparently that's not an issue. We can have sex."

"How is sex going to save us?"

"I don't know." He smiled at her and unbuttoned his fly. "But it always does."

"The deathray is done," Zero proudly announced. Ze balanced the massive gun on zir hip and aimed it at Tina and Dirk. "There's still the matter of testing it before I destroy Middleburg." Ze moved zir hip slightly and the gun pointed more firmly at Dirk. "I made a deal with your mother and your girlfriend did sacrifice the city so you could live. It would be a dick move to kill you now." Zir hip moved again and the nozzle of the gun swung toward Tina. "That means it has to be you. Sorry."

The universe seemed to slow down as Tina watched Zero pull the deathray trigger. A silver, sparkly beam shot out and engulfed her body. The mica power invaded her cells, overloading her neurons and causing so much pain she couldn't move or think or even breathe. She barely noticed when her heart stopped beating, much less the impact of the beam picking her up off her feet and slamming her body right through the wall.

* * * * *

Dirk stared at the Tina size hole in the wall and the night sky beyond it.

Only moments before, he had held her in his arms and confessed his true feelings. At this point they should have been naked and on the floor, making the sweet, sweet love that would defeat General Zero and save the city of Middleburg. But Tina was gone, dead, nothing more than a charred splat on the sidewalk below.

"No," he gasped. "No."

"Yes!" Zero pumped their fist. "It works. Now all I need to do is put the gun on the hook, hoist it up to the lantern and then destroy the city. I'm really proud of the symbolic irony of using the Matthias Middle statue. Do you need me to explain it to you?"

A cold breeze blew in from the gaping hole in the wall and ruffled Dirk's hair. He didn't care what Zero said or what they were planning to do. The world ended the moment the mica deathray hit Tina.

"No," he said again, as if denying it would keep it from being true.

"Really?" Zero asked. "That's good... I guess." They shifted the deathray from one hip to the other. "It's just... I'm not trying to insult you here, but you're not the sharpest knife in the multipurpose decapitation machine. If you understand the irony of the city founder being the instrument of its destruction, well, that means it's too obvious."

Dirk looked away from the hole, from where Tina should have been, and focused his eyes on the person who had taken her from him.

"I don't want to be hamfisted," Zero continued. "I want to be a more subtle supervillain. I want to be the sort of world tyrant smart people appreciate. Dumb people... Let's face it, dumb people are dumb. You destroy a city and they're going to hate you. Smart people, they'll hate you too, but if you've put enough thought into it, if you've really crafted the destruction, they'll see that. They'll admire it."

Zero had taken everything from Dirk, his computer buddy, his powers, his mom and finally, the love of his life. He had nothing left. But that meant he had nothing left to lose. It was time for him to be the hero Tina believed he could be. It was time for him to say something cleverly righteous and save the city.

"Fuck you!" he shouted before launching himself at the smaller person.

He might not have his super strength, speed and stamina, but he had size on his side. General Zero was average in height and weight. Dirk was above average in every category, or at least the categories that mattered. He knew he could take them in a hand to hand fight.

He was wrong.

Zero had a black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, a martial art specifically designed to take down and subdue a larger opponent. They knew exactly how to use Dirk's weight and height against him. Dropping down below his grasp, they swung their leg and swept his feet right out from under him.

He landed hard on his hip, a jolt of pain shooting down his leg. If only he still had his super speed, he'd already have Zero disarmed, tied up and dangling from their own hook. As it was he felt so slow, and they seemed so fast as they spun the deathray around and aimed it at him.

"This is how you repay my kindness?" they asked. "I let you live and this is how you say thank you?"

Dirk lashed out with his foot, knocking the deathray from their hands. It skidded across the floor, the edge of the mica flaking as it went. Both he and Zero scrambled after it.

As much as he wanted to pummel their face for killing Tina, he had to save Middleburg first. It was what she would have wanted him to do. If Zero killed him, that was fine, but Dirk had to destroy the mica deathray.

He may have been slow, tired and broken hearted, but he still had his long arms. Just as Zero reached for the gun, Dirk grabbed the chunk of mica and pulled it free.

"Stop!" they shouted, but he didn't listen.

He dropped the soft mineral to floor and slammed his fist into it. Little bits of silicate flew off, catching the light as they shot through the air. He hit it again, grinding his fist into it. More crumbled away. The skin on his knuckles cracked and bled. Everything he was feeling, all his rage and grief, he took out on that diminishing chunk of mica until it was nothing more than a pile of organic glitter.

"You fool," Zero growled.

Dirk looked up to see the villain standing over him, the blow dart gun gripped in their hand.

"You think this will stop me?" they continued. "Mica is a very common mineral. I can order it online. You've slowed me down by a week at most. I'm still going to destroy Middleburg and take over the world." They positioned the blow gun in front of their mouth. "You, unfortunately, won't live long enough to see it."

Dirk fixed his eyes on Zero and waited for the sting of the poison dart. After that he would feel nothing. And maybe, just maybe, he'd see Tina again.

But the sting never came. Instead a sparkly beam of silver light blasted the blow gun from their hands.

"He'll live long enough to see you in jail," a familiar and sexy voice said.

"Tina!" Dirk turned to see her on the other side of the hole in the wall, floating in the night sky. She was a vision of beauty, glowing a sparkling silver in the moonlight.

"I am so glad," Zero said, "so glad I tested the mica deathray first. These are the kinds of side effects you need to know about."

"General Zero," she said, her hair streaming out behind her, her eyes shimmering like mica, "with the authority vested in me by the Secret World Security Organization, I place you under arrest. You have no rights, because we're a covert consortium working outside all governments, and this is how we roll."

It was over. It was all finally over. Tina and Dirk had foiled Zero's plan. Middleburg was safe at last.

Dirk's heart swelled with pride and love and exhaustion. Mostly it swelled with exhaustion. Man, was he tired.

* * * * *

Tina felt invigorated as she waved goodbye to the SWSO agents.

"Take care," she called, "and keep those shackles on at all times."

The agents were escorting General Zero up to the secret Moon base prison, where ze would spend the rest of zir life, because no one ever escaped from the Moon. Not ever.

"I want to go to the moon," Dirk said.

"Someday you will." A stiff, wintry wind blew in through the Middleburg Regional Headquarters door, so Tina closed it and turned to face her partner. "We need to talk."

He looked down at the floor and sighed. "Yeah, I guess we do."

She moved to her desk and started tidying it up, stacking papers, gathering up pens, putting everything away in drawers. It was easier to say what needed to be said if she kept her hands busy. "A lot happened yesterday. It was a life or death situation and emotions were heightened. Because of that, feelings were expressed, feelings that can't be denied, that shouldn't be denied."

"But we're going to deny them?" he asked. His voice sounded full of defeat.

"Not unless you want to."

He looked up and met her eyes. "I don't want to."

She undid the top button on her blouse. "The truth is, Dirk," she said, "I love you and I want to fuck you." God damn, she was horny. Ever since they'd declared their love, she'd been desperate to ride him, to feel his hot throbbing cock inside her.