Billy Ch. 01

It was past 6:30 and the office was almost empty when Mark walked back into my office. He stopped to speak to Paula and she just nodded and waved him in. He came in and sat down in front of my desk. He watched me for a second before speaking.

"Billy and I have been together three times. The first time was two years ago when you took the trip to Puerto Rico. You had been gone for almost three weeks when it happened. She was lonely and we had dinner just as friends. We shared a bottle of wine and things got out of hand. We ended up in bed. It happened and we both regretted it. I didn't stay and left immediately afterward. We hardly spoke to each other for the next month or so. I don't think you noticed."

He watched my face for my reaction but I gave him no satisfaction. I simply looked back and waited.

"The second time was a year later when you went to Europe for that conference. You left and Billy was angry with you for some reason. We got together and went out to a party with some friends of mine. Billy got drunk and I took advantage of her. She was furious with me for weeks afterwards but she finally forgave me. I was at fault, but she never told you.

"The last time was the night you found us. Billy and I had been talking and she was feeling bad about something you said to her. She didn't tell me what it was and I didn't really care. I just knew she needed me and I was more than willing. You know how I feel about her. I can't help it. I am so damned sorry for what you saw. We never heard you come in and you saw everything. We never expected you to be home that night and we let it get out of hand again just like before. I never thought about how it would hurt you. Now I know and it's killing me."

So now I knew. They had been doing this for almost three years and Billy never told me. She never let me know that there was a problem and she let it happen again. Three times! Being drunk or tipsy was no excuse. She and Mark were both to blame. I still had no idea what I was going to do. I was angry but it was important not to let Mark know.

"Thank you for telling me. Apparently you had no problem doing it again after the first time even though you 'regretted it so', I believe you said. You and my wife seemed to have no problem looking me in the face knowing what you had done behind my back. You had no problem taking advantage of her when she was, as you say, drunk. And you had no problem trying to fuck her because she was angry with me. Do I have all of that right?"

Mark had blanched at my direct accusations. He was now afraid for the first time. He had worked with me long enough to know when I was furious. He had seen my temper in action. I watched as he put his hands on the arms of the chair ready to bolt.

"Stu, I'm so damned sorry. Please believe me when I tell you this will never happen again. And I'll do my job as well as I can and live up to the expectations you have of me. I won't ever let you down again. In anything! You have my word on that. Please, forgive Billy. She wasn't the one to blame. I am. Blame me."

I watched this man who I had known for the past ten years, some good and some bad. We had been together for some great events and I would have trusted him with my life. Now, all I wanted was to smash his face in. I hated this man and vowed to myself that his life from now on would not be pleasant.

However, he was only partly to blame. It took two and Billy was a willing participant. I had seen Billy drunk and she was as much in control drunk as most people were sober. She did nothing she didn't want to do. The drinking was only an excuse. No, I had seen her expression and heard her words that day. Billy was willing!

"Just leave my office Mark. Apparently you don't have any problem screwing my wife and you apparently didn't understand me when I told you to stay away from Billy. Seems you had to call her at least seven times while I was gone. Was it not clear what I said? Don't you understand a threat when you hear one? Apparently I didn't mention phone calls. Well, now I have. Is that clear enough? Oh, and one last thing: do your fucking job and keep your fucking mouth shut, about the job, my move, and my wife! Is that clear enough? If I hear of one comment that you made or hear any rumors with your name attached, I'll fire you so fast it will make your head swim. Then I'll find your sorry ass and make you sorry you ever knew me."

He nodded, rose and left. I was simply drained. I just sat there until Paula stuck her head in the door to say goodnight. I smiled at her, gave her a thumbs up and watched her leave for the day. And what a day it had been. Well, now for the night. I really hesitated about going home but I knew that I had to do it. With a heavy heart I packed up my things and left.

The drive home was stressful. I had no idea what to do. I didn't want an argument but I also didn't want this to linger and fester in both our minds. I had to deal with things one way or another. I tried to come up with something concrete but as I pulled into our drive, I had nothing. I dropped the garage door and went to face my wife.

As I opened the door, I was hit with the smell of something wonderful cooking. I couldn't miss the smell of pot roast with potatoes and carrots and gravy. It was my favorite dinner of course and I was starving. I had just had a cardboard sandwich and a bag of nuts for lunch. I should have expected that Billy would try something like this. Last night it was the clothes and tonight my favorite meal. I recognized what she was doing and it did lighten my heart some. But the pain remained.

She was in the kitchen as I entered, wearing an apron and a silly cap. She often did this when she was in a playful mood. I guess this was her way of trying to soften me up. Well the food might do it but it would change nothing. I looked at her as I put my briefcase away and removed my suit jacket. I hung it up in the hallway as usual and went past her to grab a cool beer from the fridge. She watched me carefully but didn't try to engage me in a conversation. I did move over to the stove to smell the pot roast and that gave her some consolation. At least I was interested in the food she was preparing.

I stayed in the den until she called me for dinner. Dinner was a strained affair with only routine talk. Talk about the bills, or the scheduled repairs, things like that. Nothing serious. She did mention that my dad had called and seemed to want to talk, but she told him she was very busy and maybe he could call later. She asked me if I knew what he wanted and I told her no. I ate a good meal and enjoyed the effort she put into it. I had my fill and complimented her on everything. She smiled in appreciation and began to clear the table.

Afterward, I went into the family room with my coffee. I often helped her with the dishes since she preferred to hand wash them rather than use the dishwasher. I usually dried but tonight I didn't offer and she didn't ask. I sat there in silence not even turning on the TV and again tried to come up with some course of action. I still had no clue what to do.

"Why aren't you watching the news? Do you want me to turn it on for you? I haven't listened to it all day so I may have missed something important."

Billy took the remote and turned it on but kept the volume down. She seemed nervous and fidgety which was probably understandable. She finally sat down on the couch and put her knees together and clasped her arms around them, hugging herself. Defensive. She watched me with careful eyes and waited to see if I was going to start a conversation. When I didn't she decided to.

"Did you talk with Mark today? At work? Was it hard to do or did you just avoid him?"

I looked at her and decided that I would let her do most of the talking. I would answer and encourage her to talk just to see if she was ready to be honest with me.

"Yes, I talked to him. I promoted him to Division Head, reporting directly to me. He'll have full control of day to day operations and will be doing essentially what Hugh and I are doing now. And no, it wasn't hard, it was business."

"You promoted him? I don't understand. Why would you promote him now after what we. . . . Doing your job? If he's doing your job what does that mean for you? Stuart, what did you do?"

I didn't answer, thinking of how to tell her about the promotion. I was about to say more when she began again.

"You didn't do anything foolish did you? You love your job! Oh, Stu please tell me you didn't quit!"

"I didn't quit. I'll tell you later what that was about. But that's not what you wanted to know is it?"

"Did you talk about us? About him and me? Did he tell you anything?"

"I didn't ask him but yes, he spoke about you and him. I guess he had to brag to me. But you probably know exactly what he told me since the two of you spoke at least seven times while I was gone. You really need to learn how to erase the phone caller log Billy. It makes lying to me a lot easier."

"We didn't talk! I answered but hung up as soon as I knew it was him. I kept hoping it was you on the phone. I swear to you I never talked to him again after that night."

"Really? Well suppose you tell me how long this affair with Mark has been going on. You told me the other night that this was the first time. Mark doesn't agree. So why don't you tell me about it. Tell me the truth."

I saw her eyes go wide so I did believe that she and Mark hadn't talked. Maybe she wasn't as smart as I thought she was. But then most cheaters aren't smart, just dishonest. They know how to lie but not how to tell the truth. Maybe she and Mark hadn't gotten together to get their lies straight. That would have been the smart thing to do.

"Do you really need to know? Isn't it enough that it's over and I never want to see him again? Can't we just leave it at that?"

"Afraid to tell me the truth? I was hoping that you could start being honest with me so I could try to find some way to learn to trust you again but it looks like that isn't going to happen. I guess lying has become a way of life to you with your affair. Maybe this isn't the first or the only affair."

"No Stuart, you can't believe that! You can't! There was no 'affair' with Mark and there haven't been any other affairs either. None! There hasn't been anyone other than Mark! I'll tell you the truth. I'm just so ashamed to tell you but I will. I have to."

She was twisting her hands together, as sure sign she was nervous. She always did that when she was nervous or afraid. I just waited, watching her.

"Mark and I have been with each other three times if you count last Tuesday. That's all. Just those two, no, three times. I was drinking the first two times but that wasn't the reason. I was lonely for you and I was missing you and Mark was just being a friend and having dinner with me. But, we just let things go too far and afterwards, we were both angry at ourselves and I always felt guilty. I was sick to my stomach both times. I don't know about Mark since he never stayed afterwards. I think that was why it was over a year between the first two times. This time was almost a year too, I think."

Well I have to admit I was surprised. She had told me the truth, matching the story Mark told me. I guess I believed it because she had more detail about before and after and didn't blame the drinking like Mark did. I couldn't be sure they hadn't cooked up this tale but I did believe her. It was still three times too many but it was out in the open now.

"Last Tuesday was just me being mad at you for your comments about my meetings. I know you wanted me to go with you on your next trip but I had plans and you seemed to think my plans weren't important enough that I couldn't just break them. We argued and fought and you just walked away from me. I was angry and Mark came over to talk to you about something and I had the message from Paula saying you wouldn't be home till late and I just snapped. Dumb excuse but it's the only one I have."

"That's what I thought might be the reason. But if that's all it takes for you to cheat on me we really don't have much of a marriage. And you admit that you fucked Mark twice before this, both times when you were mad at me or just lonely. It seems that you don't need much of an excuse to jump in the sack with good old Mark. And he admits that he wouldn't turn you away if you were willing. So, it might be best to just let our marriage die a natural death, don't you think?"

Billy's reaction was swift and to the point. She got up, came over to me and knelt down in front of me. She took my hands in hers and looked directly at me.

"I will do anything that I can to save this marriage. I was foolish and stupid and that's what cost me my first marriage. I beg you: don't let it ruin this one too. Give me another chance. I did something that I am ashamed of but I don't want to lose you over this. Please, Stuart, don't talk like that. I love you more than I can tell you. You have to forgive me and give me another chance. I promise you, you won't regret it."

As she was pleading her case, it came to me like an epiphany! We had been married just over four years and it only took her two years before she cheated on me! In those next two years, she cheated on me two more times! That was ridiculous! This was almost more than I could take. I felt woozy and I began to sweat.

"You've cheated on me three times in the short time we've been married! You only wait two years before you start and then you do it two more times? What the hell kind of marriage is that? This isn't a marriage to you. It's simply an arrangement that allows you to fuck around on me when things don't go your way and then you come back home to all the goodies you wanted. Like that fucking car you never drive, the fucking clothes you never wear and the jewelry you just had to have. But then, if your lovers come here to see you, none of that matters."

Billy was jolted by my words. She looked like I had slapped her across the face. The blood drained from her face and she fell back onto her heels. She put both hands over her face and I could see the tears and hear the sobs coming from her. She finally got up and ran out of the room. I heard her as she climbed the stairs to our room and I heard the door shut. Then silence.

I had mixed feelings. I had said what I had to say and it hurt both of us more than I had thought possible. I saw the pain in her eyes before she walked away and I felt it in my heart tearing at my very being. What I said was true, all of it. What I assumed it meant was less clear but I had to look at the possibilities. If this was what our marriage meant to Billy, and I believed that it was, it was best to end it now. I couldn't live with a woman that had to cheat when she was unhappy. It was clear to me that I wasn't submissive enough for Billy. That's why she had to look elsewhere. I couldn't please her so she found someone who could. Like Mark.

As it thought about these things, I wondered if there had ever been any hope for us. Was I willing to fight for a marriage that appeared to be doomed from the start? Hadn't she done this once before in her first marriage to the point she wasn't allowed contact with her own children? Was she even truthful when she said she wanted to fight for our marriage? I believed that I was just a convenience for her, a meal ticket and a source of the good things in life without any serious obligations. But when I crossed her, she found a way to get even in her own mind. I couldn't be sure about anything anymore.

I went up to bed that night with nothing but questions swirling around in my head. I lay there thinking about what I should do. Should I begin divorce proceedings? Should I tell her about the change in my position at work and the move coming up? How would that help anything? Of course when we moved Mark would be out of the picture. He would be too far away for her to continue a casual fling. It would take some time before she met anyone else so she would probably be faithful for a while. But eventually I would make her mad or disappoint her or leave her behind one day and she would do it again. I had to assume that was true. I was still thinking when I fell asleep.

Tuesday morning was similar to Monday. Billy had breakfast of toast and coffee ready but said nothing to me as I got ready to leave. I had nothing to say to her so I simply filled my traveling cup and left. The drive to work was without stress this time and I was on time and ready for the transition.

I worked a full day with only one visit from Mark. It was strictly business and it took only five minutes. There were no phone calls from Billy so the day was pretty uneventful. I dealt with a few employee issues over Mark's sudden promotion but they went fairly well. Things were beginning to come together. Paula and I made a lot of arrangements for file transfers, setting up the new office and she and Pete's secretary talked a lot. We had lots to do but it all seemed under control.

I drove home that evening with the beginnings of a decision. I needed to find out from Billy just why she cheated on me. I had to know the reasons before I could do anything more. I thought we could begin with that question tonight. I was ready when I got home. I had made up my mind that anger and distrust were not going to run my life. Billy would do what she would do. I was not going to get into the surveillance game. I had no desire to spy on her to catch her in a transgression. It was now up to both of us how we would deal with the other.

This evening began as a repeat of the night before. We had a wonderful meal and Billy cleared the kitchen afterwards as I took my coffee into the family room. This time I did turn on the TV and actually watched the news. Nothing new. The politicians bickering with each other, blaming each other while getting nothing of any value accomplished. Politics as usual!

Billy came in and sat down just as before. This time however she seemed more relaxed. I guess the shoes had both dropped as far as she was concerned. She was now convinced that I would tell her what the next steps were. I decided to plunge ahead.

"Can I ask you some questions? I just would like to have some honest answers, but if you are going to lie and bullshit me like you did last night, maybe I should just forget it."

She didn't flinch this time and she seemed to expect my questions.

"I'll tell you anything you want to know. I have no reason to lie to you now since I know that you know what and when and where. So, ask me."

"Can you try to explain to me why you did it? I would like to know why you chose to fuck my best friend and cheat on me."

This time she did wince. I had never made a habit of using profanity around Billy or any other woman at any time and never at home. This was not what Billy expected and using it as I did made it even worse.

"I guess I deserve your disrespect. I'll try Stuart, but you may not like the reasons. I don't know what you think but I only did it with Mark because I knew him and I knew he was safe. He wouldn't try to blackmail me or hurt me, and I knew he would never tell you. The harder question is why. That one I can't answer. I didn't plan it, I didn't intend for it to happen. I wasn't trying to hurt you or get even with you or anything like that. I think the only reason I did it was because I was frustrated and I needed something to make me feel more in control. I wanted to know that I could do something without your approval or your help. Both times I did it was after you had made a decision about something without telling me or asking me. Remember the trip to Europe? I wanted to go and you told me that I would just be in the way. You said you had business and it wasn't a pleasure trip? And the trip to Puerto Rico. The same things. You wouldn't even discuss it with me when I suggested we go together. Then the last time was after an argument where you belittled my work."