Birthday Girl Ch. 08

She was in a silly mood now. It was downright adorable.

We both froze as we heard a honk and the sound of a car coming into the driveway. Our heads snapped to the window that overlooked the driveway then back at each other comically.

Mother of God. I leapt out of the bed like I'd just been electrocuted. We had totally lost track of the time while fooling around and her parents were back. This was it. This was the day I would get shot. I could already see the headlines; a half naked man was shot in the ass as he tried to escape from a house in the suburbs this evening. Sources say he was caught trying to defile the resident family's dog. We go over to our Asian correspondent Tricia Takinawa who is live at the scene.

I dressed at hyper speed as Liss put on a robe and went to the window. I could hear her sigh audibly.

"It's ok, they've gone over to talk to the Newman's," she said and I went over to see a group of four people talking on the lawn of the house across the road.

I thanked every god I knew.

"Please tell me I can use your back door," I asked Liss.

She put her hand on her chest and pretended to be shocked, "Brian! We've never even discussed this. I didn't know you were into that kind of thing."

I just stared at her blankly, "What?"

She turned around and wriggled her butt at me and I groaned as it clicked.

"Seriously Liss? Right now?"

"Oh so you can make jokes at inappropriate times but when I do it suddenly it's 'seriously Liss?'" she said the last part mockingly.

I ignored her, took her hand and almost dragged her down the stairs.

"You know... you could meet them," she said in a small voice.

I looked back at her like she'd grown two heads. I was going to audition for two weeks before the day that I would meet her parents. I would rehearse and practice until I knew every line by heart. Meeting them like this, unexpectedly and when I was half panicked was a recipe for disaster.

I stopped in the middle of the stairs and turned to face her, "Liss, I want to meet them, I really do, but not like this. I want to do it properly, not when I feel like a guilt ridden thief, sneaking around their house. You can set up dinner or something and I'll-"

We heard keys jingling and we ran down and disappeared into the kitchen just as the front door opened. The kitchen had a side door and Melissa quietly let me out, spanking me as I slid out. I glared back at her but she just smiled and closed the door. The cheek on that woman.

Ducking under the windows, I sprinted to the street, using the swing on their lawn as cover, hoping no one would see me. The Newmans seemed to have gone inside. Luckily I had parked on the street and not on the driveway. That would have been most unfortunate because her parents would have parked behind me, effectively blocking my car.

My phone rang as soon as I got into the car and I saw it was Liss. I picked up and looked up at her house and saw her grinning at her window.

"That's the first time I've had a guy run from my house like an escaping prisoner," she said.

"Did your folks notice anything?" I asked

"Nah, they're clueless. Listen, did you really mean what you said? About the dinner..." she asked in a vulnerable tone.

It seemed like she was afraid I didn't want to meet her parents. She was confident so much of the time that I got really surprised when she showed her vulnerable side. Mostly it was her reassuring me and I enjoyed the few occasions when I got the chance to be her rock. Her family had always been a sensitive spot for her.

"Of course Liss, set it up and I'll be there. I can't wait to meet your parents."

"Really?" she said excitedly. I lived to hear the joy in her voice, "Can we do it this Saturday?"

"I'm not sure about this weekend Liss, we're planning Nick's Stag and we might do it this Saturday. I don't want to confirm with you and then have to cancel. Let's make it next weekend?"

"Uh-oh, Stag party huh? You going to behave yourself?"

"Like a saint with a halo over his head."

"Ok, I'll just catch up with Jenna this weekend then. Don't do anything too crazy alright? And try coming back to me in one piece," she said, trying to sound stern.

"You know me Mel," I said as I fired up the car.

"Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of," she said, before blowing me a kiss and hanging up.

I smiled as I pulled away from the curb. I knew she was only kidding with me but that didn't stop me from thinking how I'd never do anything remotely close to jeopardizing things with her. I still couldn't believe I'd almost told her the L word. Was it even real? That was stuff you saw in sappy chick flicks and rom-coms and read about in books whose covers had a tall, dark, impossibly muscled shirtless man holding a perfectly built, bikini clad, swooning blonde under a sunset. I was going to have to evaluate these feelings at length when I got the chance. All that aside though, I knew that I'd cut my arm off before even dreaming of hurting her, L-word or not, and this weekend was just going to be harmless fun with the boys.

Little did I know...

*******************************************

"Oh we are going to make it's a night he's never going to forget!" screamed Bean over the phone.

"I'm pretty sure he isn't going to remember over half of it," Shaq replied, "Memory and alcohol are inversely proportional from my experiences."

"Worry not my fellow countrymen, leave that to me. I will make sure to gather all the evidence," came Helmets voice over the earpiece.

Maybe a little recap is in order to make sense of this all. I was on a conference call with a group of our friends planning my dear beloved best friends Stag Night. When Nick agreed to let me plan his Stag he thought he knew what he was getting into but sadly, he wasn't prepared for even half of what this bunch of coyotes had cooked up. A little introduction to the crew is necessary.

First up we have Ryan. Our certified Geek. No seriously, he has a badge to prove it. He even made me look like a jock, and that's saying something. Short, chubby, thick glasses and an endless fascination with all things nerd. Oh and he looks freakishly similar to Mr. Bean, complete with the mole on his face, which gave him the nickname Bean.

Then we have Shaun. Smooth, suave, sophisticated and all that crap, but only when he's sober. Introduce liquor and all that refinement drops faster than a pornstars panties at a gonzo shoot. He could be nasty with the best of us after a few beers and once he started drinking it was difficult to make him stop. His nickname was Shaq. He was a basketball fanatic, even having played at state level but bowing out due to a knee injury.

Next in line was Jay. A construction mogul, he was the poster child for serenity and tranquility. Even when drunk he was always calm and the first one to come up with a reasonable and logical plan, even when the rest of us were like a pack of rabid dogs on the scent of meat. To date I still don't know how he got mixed up with bunch of rowdy idiots like us. One thing about Jay was, he was fat. Not the 'hey does my butt look big in this' kind, but the one where you step on the weighing scale and it reads 'one person at a time please' kind of fat. And he had a humongous ass. That thing was the size of Australia. So in light of his god given gifts we gave him an appropriate nickname. J-Lo.

Lastly we had our designated driver, Vicky. He was one of those dudes who you aren't quite sure how he ended up hanging around with you, but now he's been there for so long you just let him stay. He just kind of wormed his way in and never left. He was our designated driver because of some medical condition he had that prevented him from drinking alcohol. Something about his body not having something to properly break down the alcohol or some shit like that. He explained it once but we weren't paying attention. Beer pong seemed more interesting at the time. Being the sober one, you'd expect Vicky to be the one with good motor skills but nope, this guy was clumsy like no one's business. He was always tripping over nothing or dropping stuff or banging into things. Hand-eye co-ordination was a feature he did not come with at birth. He was so clumsy, one year as a gag present, we gave him a helmet. Since then, the name just stuck. Helmet. People were known to occasionally switch to Butter-fingers at times too, just to keep things fresh. Band-aid was another popular one.

I was on a call with all of them, plus Bill, and they were pissed. Pissed might not be the right word, they were downright livid. Why, you ask? Maybe because they missed the whole proposal thing. We actually hadn't told them about it on purpose because of the logistics issue. Getting that many people organized at one time was too big of a challenge. Commitments and plans would clash and it would be a miracle to get one weekend in a whole year where everyone would be free and we just didn't have the time to wait that long so we basically crept behind their backs and went ahead with the whole thing.

Being the devout, loyal and dutiful friend that I am, I placed all the blame squarely on Nick's shoulders. I told them the whole thing was his idea from the beginning and that I'd really wanted to tell them but Nick made me promise so I was helplessly bound to my oath. The result was that they were royally pissed and out for blood. All except Bill, of course.

Bean and Shaq were going to go and rough Nick up as soon as they found out but I'd calmed them down and made them see reason. I mean, what better way to get back at him than at a Stag Night, where all things were possible. They all saw the merit in my counsel and so for the past month, we all bade our time and came up with a master plan for our unsuspecting crew member. I even showed them the pictures of little Pitstop to get their blood boiling and the creative juices flowing. I do realize I'm going to go to hell for all this but whatever; I'll deal with it when I get there. Plus, all these idiots will be there to keep me company as well.

"Everything is set guys, when are we doing this?" J-Lo asked.

"Let's do it this weekend," I suggested.

"It's still a month from the wedding dude, you want to do it this early?" Bean asked.

"It's going to get real busy after this weekend. Both his and Jenna's parents are flying in and the preparations will be in full swing, we might not get a better chance." I tried to explain.

It was true though. He would be very busy as his parents and other relatives started flying in from next week. He had a very big family and since he was one of the favorites among all his family members, no one was going to miss his big day. His parents were also really orthodox and old-fashioned so it was better to wrap up all the bullshit before they came down. I was sort of on good terms with them and I wanted to keep it that way, and something told me that showing up with their son at six in the morning drunk out of our skulls with g-strings around our necks and panty hose on our heads would tarnish my image somewhat. Not counting that they'd probably disown Nick.

"Fine, I'm in," Bean said.

"Shaq?" I asked.

"I'm in."

"J-Lo?"

"In."

"Bill?"

"Roger."

"Helmet?"

"You see I've got this date that I've been-"

"Helmet we will lock you in the trunk of the car and leave your ass behind-"

"Fine I'm in, I'm in!"

"Good. Let's do this."

*******************************************

We pulled up at Nick's place in J-Lo's silver Range Rover Vogue around two in the afternoon to pick him up. No, we weren't going to start drinking this early. We weren't animals. We had a little something planned for our groom. Something colorful.

"Shaq, you've spoken to the guy right?" I asked as we waited for Nick.

"Yeah, don't worry about it. I know the guy and its all sorted," he replied.

The door opened and Nick came jogging out with Jenna at the door. We all greeted her as Nick got in.

"No strippers!" she shouted from the doorway.

"Maybe just one or two," I shouted back as we pulled away.

"Guys seriously, no strippers," Nick said, looking worried, "I promised Jen."

"It's two in the afternoon you jackass, which stripper are you going to find at this time?" Bean asked him.

"I know you guys," Nick countered, "you're animals."

"Relax, no strippers..." said J-Lo who was driving, "...yet."

Nick groaned and we all laughed at him. Today was not going to be his day.

"So how have you been?" Bean asked in a sickly sweet voice.

"Here, have a Red Bull," Shaq said, passing him a can of the energy drink.

"You want some chips with that?" Vicky offered.

Nick looked at them each in turn, "Are you guys feeling alright?"

They gave big fake laughs and assured him everything was fine. In reality they were just fattening the lamb before leading it to slaughter. We continued with good natured ribbing about his upcoming nuptials until we arrived at our destination.

"Oh cool!" Nick exclaimed, "Off-roading. Nice man, I was afraid we were going straight to a strip joint or something. Good choice, for once. I'm surprised you guys are being mature about this."

We just agreed with him and smiled at each other. He had no clue what was waiting for him. We had come to an Off-road track where we could hire ATV's and ride around the numerous trails in a vast open land covering a few square miles. It was hot, it was dusty and it was the perfect environment for some serious quad biking fun. And a little bridegroom torture thrown into the mix.

We went to the small office to pay and collect our vehicles. It was a dusty old building, with a slightly newer shack attached to it. There was a long counter at one end and a guy almost our age sitting on a chair tipped backwards, legs propped on the table, watching one of those old fashioned TVs fixed high on the opposite wall.

"Jerry!" Shaq shouted at the guy behind the counter.

Jerry almost tipped over his chair in surprise and smiled when he recognized Shaq. They greeted like old friends and he shook each of our hands in turn.

"Quite a big party you got today Shaq," he said as returned behind the counter, "what will it be?"

"The usual, but we'll be here till evening."

We paid, threatening Nick with castration if he reached for his wallet, and Jerry led us to the adjoining room I'd noticed earlier. Turns out it was a changing room. There were six overalls hanging with various car and parts manufacturer logos printed on them. We each grabbed one quickly before Nick got a chance. I got a red Ralliart one, Bill got a blue Ford one, Shaq got a green and black Monster energy drink one like the one Ken Block wears, Bean got a grey Benz one, Vicky got a pink Volkswagen one with a Beetle printed on the back and J-Lo got a dark green XXL sized one for John Deere tractors.

"Just take off your clothes and I'll go get you one," Jerry told Nick.

We all stripped to our boxers and put on the overalls, Nick doing the same as he waited for Jerry to bring him his. It wasn't entirely necessary to remove our clothes but we did it just so that Nick would follow suit.

"What the hell is that?" Bean asked suddenly after we had changed and walked to a corner of the room, pointing at something.

Nick followed him to investigate and I quickly gathered his clothes and we all exited quietly, leaving them alone inside. Jerry led us to the back where our ATVs were standing ready with our helmets on the seats. We all picked one and received our secret weapons after which we waited patiently. After a few minutes Nick and Bean walked out and Bean took his place on his Quad-bike.

Nick stood confused, standing only in his boxers and shoes, looking for Jerry.

"Where the hell is he with my gear?"

We answered him with a 'you're shit out of luck' smile and it dawned on him. There was no gear coming.

He threw his arms up in the air, "Oh you have got to be kidding me. C'mon grow up guys, enough with this bullshit."

His act was fooling no-one. Smiles unwavering we just pointed at his ATV, his black helmet resting on the seat shining in the sun.

"This is supposed to be your big plan? Having me ride in boxers? You guys are pathetic," he scoffed, walking towards his ATV, "your evil genius knows no bounds. What's the mind boggling twist? Killing me with a little sunburn?"

He sat on his ATV laughing and put on his helmet, giving us the finger.

"This is child's play, bitches. I could ride like this all day."

We started our ATVs and surrounded him in a semicircle so he couldn't go back.

"Oooh, I'm so scared," he pretended to shrink and cower in fear, "please, don't hurt me."

Nonchalantly we reached behind us in unison and pulled out the real surprise. Fully loaded paintball guns. I could picture Nicks face falling even through the helmet. Immediately his hands shot out in front of him.

"Woah woah woah, guys hold up, this is not funny anymore. You can't seriously be thinking about doing this," came his muffled voice from the helmet.

"Of course not, we're not completely heartless," Bean announced in a gentle tone, "we are nothing if not merciful and we are giving you a ten second head start."

"Fuck you," Nick retaliated.

"Ten," Bean started the countdown.

"Stop acting stupid, I could get hurt," he said, looking around for an escape.

"Nine,"

We started putting on our own helmets. Nick was still trying to talk his way out of it.

"Eight,"

"I swear if you guys go through with I will personally hunt down each and every one of you,"

"Seven,"

"You can't do this damn it, I've got rights!"

That actually made us laugh.

"Six,"

"Please, I'm begging you, don't do this, please!"

"Five,"

Abandoning the lost cause he switched on his ATV and tore out of the area, leaving a huge dust cloud in his wake. After waiting another five seconds we sped out like a pack of wolves on a hunt. Shit was going to go down!

Nick had put quite a distance between us but the trail of dust he was leaving behind was like a beacon, pointing us straight to him. We caught up with him in two minutes and he looked like a cartoon zipping around his ATV almost naked. The first shot, by your truly of course, caught him right in the back of the helmet. A splash of green exploded and he turned onto a side trail instantly, losing four of us who kept going straight ahead.

Bean and Vicky were still on him though but it was tricky to hit a moving target when you have to steer yourself with one hand and shoot with the other. Nick used this to his advantage by making constant unpredictable turns, never staying in one place long enough for anyone to lock on to him.

After numerous tries Bean finally got him on his right shoulder. A big orange bloat marked the impact point.

"That was for not telling us about the proposal you inconsiderate prick!" Bean shouted.

We could see Nick flexing his arm around, trying to relieve the pain in his shoulder. That resulted in him slowing down a little and Shaq capitalized. A singing shot straight to his hip. Nick screamed and rubbed the spot, smearing the purple paint all over himself.

"That was for not letting us meet Pit-stop!" Shaq shouted.

Nick sped up again and his riding was even more erratic than before. It was almost impossible to get a shot in. For the next half an hour we decorated his Quad bike until it looked like a rainbow had puked all over it. The stalemate broke when Bill distracted Nick by riding up on one side and Helmet managed to get a shot on his left thigh from the other side. Nick leaped up in pain and started riding while standing.

He managed to lose us as he left the track and went into the grass, dodging between shrubs until we were all lost. After a good chunk of time looking for him separately and getting nowhere I decided to change tactics. I went in search of the rest and one by one we re-grouped and came up with a plan.