Birthday Mistake

"George started coming by my cubicle more often and stopped to talk and compliment me on my clothes and appearance. I didn't catch on to what was happening until much later. We were just close friends or so I thought. I did notice he didn't smile as much and several of our co-workers commented to me about the change in George, to the point some were getting concerned about him. One day I asked George to lunch and asked him how he was doing and related to him how several of us were becoming concerned. He had tears in his eyes when he told me he wasn't doing well at all. He never went out except to work and stayed in his apartment and stared at the T.V. He said he was so lonely. He was having trouble talking to people and I was the only one that made him feel worth living."

"I was really concerned now. He was obviously deeply depressed and starting to withdraw from everyone and everything. I told him I was always there for him and would talk to him anytime he wanted. He said he appreciated it but there was no way we could talk at work with people all around. He asked if I would stop by his apartment for an hour a couple of times a week to just talk to him. He thought it would really help him get back on his feet and start feeling better. I told him I couldn't do that, I was a married woman and especially after what had happened before, I couldn't visit him in his apartment. I suggested meeting for lunch a couple of times a week to visit and help him with his depression. He became angry and jumped up and said he had been there for me when I needed someone and now when he was needing help, I was just abandoning him. Some friend you are and stormed off."

"That really hurt and I thought about it a lot. I don't know what I might have done if George hadn't been there for me and was willing to give me his hand and his home when I needed a friend the most. Other than the sex, and I really couldn't place all the blame on him for that, he was a perfect gentleman and a good friend when I needed one desperately. I felt like I had to at least try and help him."

"I dropped by and told George we would try it but at the first sign of anything inappropriate I would leave and never return again. He gave me a big smile and I could tell it meant a lot to him to have a friend when he really needed one. That was the first time I lied to you and made up a story about a customer problem. I followed George to his apartment and we went in and got a glass of wine and set on his sofa and talked. He was really sad at first but the more we talked the more he began to smile and contribute to the conversation. Two hours had flown by and I told him I needed to leave and he started to withdraw but I got up and hugged him and told him we would do this again Thursday evening and he perked up. He thanked me profusely and said I had really helped him a lot. It made me feel really good."

"George was better the following day at work but by Thursday he had reverted to his old quiet withdrawn self. I again followed him to his apartment and we sat and talked and laughed and he was a different person. He again thanked me over and over. I felt like I had made a real difference in his life and was starting to pay him back for all he had done for me."

"The following Tuesday I again met him at his apartment and we talked. I mentioned to him I thought he was doing much better and that we should stop meeting at his apartment. He looked shocked and began to cry. He jumped up and stormed into his bedroom. He told me to just leave, that I wasn't a true friend and didn't care if he lived or died. I followed him into his bedroom and came up behind him and put my arms around him and hugged him and told him that wasn't true. I did care for him and would always be there for him. That was when I noticed a gun lying on the night stand beside his bed. I had never seen it before. That really frightened me and I began to realize how depressed George had become. He turned and wrapped his arms around me and cried into my shoulder. I held him close and let him cry. He began to sniffle and pulled away and looked into my eyes and leaned in and kissed me. I kissed him back. I knew he was hurting and I seemed to be the only one that could help him deal with his pain. Looking back, I should have talked him into seeking professional help but at that moment I was there and he needed me."

"We had sex and after that evening, we would meet on Tuesday and Thursday evenings and talk for a while and then have sex. It wasn't making love in fact I really don't remember much about the sex. It wasn't great not even good. He certainly never rang my bell like you do. I did enjoy the moments after sex when we would hold each other tight and he seemed to be content and happy for a little while. I felt like I owed him that brief period of happiness for all he had done for me. Believe it or not I told him last Thursday night that I wasn't coming to his apartment anymore. I told him as much as I wanted to help him and be there for him, I loved my husband and what I was doing was wrong. I told him I could no longer be with anyone else other than my husband. I told him he needed professional help to overcome his depression."

"I know what I have done to you is horrible and that I am a horrible person. I don't deserve you and even though I love you and have never loved anyone other than you I know what I have done has probably destroyed the best thing ever in my life. I wish to God it had never happened and I still cannot believe I allowed myself to try to justify in any way what I have done. You deserve better, much better, and I have failed you miserably. I will do whatever you ask of me but I hope you will remember the many years we had together before any of this. Those were the happiest years of my life and I believe it was also your happiest years. I know we have lost those and because of me there is no way we can ever go back to those days but I hope you could see some way to consider the two of us moving forward together and making new happy memories."

I had to ask. "Do you love him?"

"No, I never loved him. I saw someone hurting very badly and that person had been there for me when I desperately needed someone and I wanted to be there for him. I went about it all wrong and in trying to help a friend I hurt the love of my life. I have always loved only you. You are the only person I have wanted to spend my life with and I cannot understand how I could begin to put that in jeopardy. I am so sorry."

"I don't know Sandy. I can begin to understand the first time when you thought I was having an affair but not the second time. Once is a mistake but you continued the affair and almost as bad you continually lied to me. How can I ever trust you again?"

I got up from the table and walked out of the house. I checked into a motel and lay in bed thinking all week-end long.

I could understand the original cheating during the surprise birthday week-end and could possibly work thru it but I did not see how I could ever forgive the on-going affair. I tried to view it from her perspective and I could understand caring for a good friend especially one that had really been there for you in your hour of need. But to betray your husband in the process? She says she doesn't love him but she broke our vows and had sex with him so she must care for him more than me. Did I even cross her mind during all this? Did she forget about me completely or do I mean so little to her she chose him over me? My mind kept going around and around and I kept ending up in the same place.

Do I still love her? I have to admit I do. There has never been anyone but Sandy for me. She is my soul mate and I think that is part of the reason this hurts so badly. She has cut me to my core and I'm having a really hard time separating the hurt from what the best course of action for me is. I was really pissed at Sandy and wanted to strangle her but for what she did, not her personally. I really don't want to hurt her. So, what does that mean? Can I forgive her? Hell no! Eventually? Maybe. Do I think I might divorce her and then ten years down the road be a miserable old cranky man wishing I had given our marriage a chance? My head hurt.

I finally decided this is too complicated for me and maybe I am so hurt and angry I can't be objective about any of this.

I know I still love her although my love is greatly diminished due to her betrayal.

I know I don't want to hurt her.

Do I think she did this intentionally? No.

Do I think she is just a victim of circumstances? Hell no. She knew what she was doing. She knew it was wrong.

Do I want revenge? I don't want to hurt her but yet I want her to feel my pain, to understand how badly she has hurt me.

Has there already been enough pain and hurt? Why do I need any more? I don't know. Damn, I keep going in these circles and all I get is more confused.

Maybe counseling will help me sort out all my pain and anger and confusion regardless if it can save our marriage.

I returned home Sunday morning and find Sandy sitting on our couch. She looks like shit and I can't help but feel sorry for her just a little. She is obviously hurting also but then I think good, see what you have caused.

She has bags under her eyes, no make-up, dowdy dress and a haunted look about her. She seems to have given up. Well, welcome to my world.

She looks at me but doesn't say anything. I ask if she has eaten breakfast as yet and she shakes her head no. I go into the kitchen and put on some coffee and start to make us French toast. I get it ready and place it into two plates on the table. I then go into the living room and tell her breakfast is ready. She turns to me but doesn't make any effort to get up. I go over to her and take her hand and tell her she needs to eat. She allows me to lead her to the kitchen table and after watching me eat a few bites she begins eating.

I clean up the dishes and sit down at the table and tell her I am still processing all of this and still having trouble understanding how she could do this to us. She asks if I am going to divorce her. I tell her I don't know. I tell her I have tried to come up with a way I can come to terms with everything she has done and so far, I haven't. I just can't seem to figure out a way we can move past this together. She hangs her head and tears start down her cheeks. I tell her I have always loved her and only her. I have never even looked at another woman because I had the perfect wife and the perfect marriage, at least I thought I did until a few days ago. Now I don't know what I know. I don't know what is real and what is just a fantasy. My mind keeps going in circles and ending up at the same place. "Sandy, right now I don't have any idea what the future holds for either of us but I know before all this I loved you with all my heart and wanted to grow old with only you. I don't have any answers but I think I am willing to try counseling to help us understand how we got to this point and if there is any way we can move forward together. I make no promises and we may end up going to a bunch of counseling sessions and still getting a divorce but it won't be because we didn't try."

It was like a light switch came on. She looked at me and gave me the biggest smile and jumped up and lunged at me with open arms. I put my hand up and stopped her and reminded her there were no promises or guarantees and none of it may do any good. She had a huge smile on her face and said "at least you are willing to fight for this marriage. I would totally understand if you told me to go to hell and you didn't want to see me ever again and called me all kind of terrible names. I would deserve all of it. I know I have hurt you terribly and it is killing me inside. I would rather kill myself than to see you hurt but that is exactly what I did. I love you so much and I will do anything and everything within my power to regain your love."

I went over some rules with her. We would stay in the same house but sleep in different rooms. We would continue to be civil to one another and respect each other's privacy. No contact with her fuck buddy. She readily agreed.

We sat together, without touching, at my laptop reviewing marriage counselors in our area. We decided on a lady close to our age and would make an appointment for the following week. Sandy called and got us an appointment for Tuesday at 3:00.

We both arrived and were ushered into her office at 3:00. She appeared to be a straight forward no non-sense kind of person which suited me fine although Sandy seemed to be a little intimidated by her. Judy, her name, started by going over some ground rules. It was about what I expected and then asked each of us to relate the reason we were sitting in her office. She asked Sandy to begin and she pretty well covered everything and to her credit didn't try to avoid any responsibility for her actions or leave anything out. I would have pretty much said the same thing although I may have thrown in a few words like whore and slut.

Judy then asked me for my version but I told her Sandy had pretty well covered everything although she couldn't describe the anger and pain I felt during all those events. Judy said "well that is a good start. Many times one or both parties won't take any responsibility for their actions and mostly want to define how reprehensible their spouse is. I think we can make some progress although we don't know what the end results of our efforts will be." She asked us to take some time the coming week and make a list of each of our expectations from our sessions and not share this list until the next meeting. She also asked each of us to perform one kind act for the other each day in the upcoming week. It didn't have to be a huge deal but just something the other would recognize as an act of kindness. We each agreed and made a follow-up appointment for the following Tuesday.

The week was a little better. Damn her I really wanted to hate her but it was obvious she was trying really hard and would make several small gestures of kindness each day while I would make my obligatory one each day and that was all.

We met again with Judy and she asked how the week had gone. Sandy said it was much better and she really appreciated the gestures of kindness I had shown each day. I said it was O.K. but felt kind of bad for not making more of an effort. She then asked each of us to read our list of expectations.

Sandy started and said she had three major results she hoped for. They were;

• First and most importantly, was that I could find a path forward and resume our marriage. She said she knew it wasn't going to be easy but rather a long and rough road but she was willing to do anything to make it happen.
• Second, she hoped I would someday begin to love her as I had before she screwed up so badly. She said she didn't expect me to ever forgive her, she didn't deserve it, but maybe he could eventually find it in his heart to love her again.
• Third was to help her understand why she could do something so terrible to me. She said there is something evil in her that she never knew was there but obviously had surfaced otherwise how could she have hurt someone she loved greater than life itself.

Judy complimented her on her list and said although difficult she didn't think it was impossible and with both of us being here she thought there was a chance we could meet all of her goals. She then asked me to share my list.

I started with;

• Help me to deal with my anger and pain. I said it is consuming me and blotting out everything else. I cannot seem to get past it and begin to think rationally.
• I need Sandy to explain to me how she can say she loves me and then cheat and lie to me not once but over several months. That doesn't make any sense to me. I doubt her honesty and love and cannot see how I could ever trust her again.
• Explain to me a path forward to reconciliation. I still love my wife, not anything like before, but I still have love for her but I cannot have a life always wondering who she is talking to on the phone, when she says she is going shopping wondering if she is actually meeting her lover, always questioning, wondering and watching.

Judy thanked me and said she understood why I had listed these three items and although very difficult to address, with my active involvement, it is possible to achieve each of my goals.

Judy asked to meet with us individually the following week and set dates and times. The following week went a little better except for one incident. Sandy and I were in the living room when her cell phone rang. She picked it up and answered it when her eyes went wide and she threw her phone on the floor and looked at me. I immediately knew who had called her. Sandy burst into tears and looked at me and immediately began to tell me it was "him" and she had already told him at work to never speak or call her ever again. That she did not want to be around him and had requested a transfer to another department at work so she would not see him at any time at work. She was desperate for me to believe her and kept saying she had told him to never talk to her again. I couldn't help myself and I got up from the couch and walked outside to my car and left with Sandy sobbing loudly behind me.

After a few beers and re-playing the evenings events I came around to half way believing what she was saying but it still opened my wounds and made them raw again. I returned later that evening and went straight to my room and shut the door without saying a word to her. It was tense the remainder of the week.

Went I met Judy at our individual session she already knew about the phone incident and immediately asked me to relay my version to her. I went over the events and my reaction. She asked why I had reacted as I did, did I believe her story? I thought for a moment and had to admit it sure appeared she was surprised and shocked and yeah, she probably was telling the truth. Judy asked if I thought Sandy had told me the whole truth and again, I had to admit I didn't think she was withholding anything important. Judy then asked why I had gotten so upset and why I was unable to discuss it with Sandy immediately after the incident. I admitted the pain and anger immediately returned, even I hadn't realized it had dulled somewhat over the last couple of weeks but it sure returned in force that evening. My emotions took over and my brain became chaotic and I guess I just ran. I don't think I was so angry I would have hurt Sandy but couldn't seem to make myself stay and face the situation. I told her I don't think I'm a coward but for some reason I just can't seem to face her with all this anger and hurt in me. Judy said she understood and we were going to have to address that first before we could move forward and said she needed to meet with me individually for a couple more sessions before we would meet again with Sandy.

At our next session, just Judy and I, she asked me if I still loved Sandy. I thought for a moment and said there is still love there. She asked if there was enough love remaining for me to build upon. I told her I thought there was, that is why I was here. She asked me if I wanted to remain married to Sandy. I told her that is the big question. If I could ever figure out a way to forgive what she had done, and I thought there was a real chance for us, but the big question for me was could I ever get to where I wasn't always questioning, wondering, being suspicious and constantly watching her. I don't see how I could live that way. Judy said "trust her again" and I said exactly. She said, so if you can get to a point where you can begin to re-gain your trust in her you do see a path forward to continue with the marriage. I said yes. She asked if I was comfortable revealing this to Sandy at our next scheduled joint session. Again, I said yes.