Birthday Mistake

I also told her I appreciated our sessions and that it had helped me set aside my anger and hurt and to focus on what was really important. I still had problems being able to think rationally about the lying and cheating but was beginning to be able to think beyond and about the future.

After a couple more individual sessions Judy scheduled our next joint session and I have to admit I was nervous. It felt like we were approaching some kind of a decision point or an end and I still had no idea what I wanted.

At our joint session I could tell Sandy was as nervous as I was. Judy started with saying she thought the individual sessions had been very helpful and we both had made progress with dealing with our individual issues and she believed we could now begin to deal with our joint issues. She said we both had agreed to share information with the other from our individual sessions and that indicated a level of trust and commitment to the process.

Judy then went through a summary of our individual sessions beginning with me and telling Sandy my primary issues was with trust and forgiveness but primarily trust. Judy asked Sandy for any comments and Sandy said she understood and would be the same way if the roles were reversed. Sandy said she would do anything I requested to begin the healing and re-store my faith in her. She said if I wanted her to wear an ankle monitor, she would readily agree. If he did not want me to leave the house without him, she would agree to it, anything I asked she would do. I responded that was no way to live and not a marriage but servitude and I would not do that to her. I appreciated her willingness to go to extremes to re-build trust but this wasn't the way. I saw tears start rolling down her cheeks.

Judy then told me Sandy had made progress in understanding how she could allow her actions to endanger her marriage. Judy said the surprise birthday incident affected Sandy much greater than even Sandy realized and even though you would expect her to try and hold on to her marriage even tighter she also felt an extreme amount of obligation to Mr. Ames for his actions in supporting her. Sandy understands the sex with him was wrong but it was out of desperation and hurt and had nothing to do with love and you. She readily admits it was wrong but she believes she was truly temporarily mentally incapacitated.

The on-going adultery is more complicated. She again admits it was wrong and her fault but the reason behind it is due to her feeling of obligation to what she believed was a great friend who gave his all to be there and support her in her time of great need, she just couldn't bring herself to "abandon" him when it appeared he was in a similar circumstance. She is still struggling on why she allowed it to continue. She is adamant it wasn't about love or sex or the thrill of it but rather comforting a good friend in his hour of need the best way she could. She firmly believes it did not affect or diminish her love for you in any way and once her friend was healthy enough the affair would end and never happen again.

I listened intently and then Judy asked for any comments from me. I turned to Sandy and asked why didn't she talk to me, to even admit as quickly as possible she had made a mistake and allow us to work on it together. She hadn't come to me and confessed but I had to find out on my own. After the surprise birthday incident, she realized how she felt when she thought I was having an affair and how much pain it caused her and then turn right around and do the same to me, for real! She had to know the hurt she would be inflicting on me when I found out and she still continued. "You CHOSE to share yourself with him and violate our vows. You chose him over me."

Sandy almost screamed "No. I didn't choose him over you. There was never any question in my mind who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, you, only you. I was stupid and only saw the hurt George was going through and I related to the pain he was experiencing when I thought you were going to leave me. I thought I could help him and you would never find out so you would never be hurt. If I had stopped to think it through, I would never have done it because you might find out and I couldn't stand my self hurting you like that."

All of this because I had tried to do something really good and give my wife a surprise birthday party. She ended up giving her friend a pity fuck.

The session dissolved into an emotional wreck and Judy suggested we cut this session short and meet again at our next scheduled session.

I spent the following week in deep thought and very little sleep. I finally made a decision on my way to our next session.

When we arrived, Judy showed us in and after we sat down, I said I have reached a decision. I said I still love my wife, not anything like before all this, but there is still some love there. I do believe I can forgive her for the surprise birthday weekend affair. I can understand how emotional she was, especially after what I have gone through. I can even begin to understand the reason for her affair afterwards and believe she did not intentionally become involved. All that being said the question remains, can I continue our marriage without constantly wondering, always anxious about what she is doing or where she is and is she with someone else. That is not a life and certainly not one I want to live. I just don't think I can. I truly wish I could and I have no false hope of ever finding anyone that can compare to the life Sandy and I had before all this mess. I'm not sure this is the right decision but it is mine and I firmly believe we need to end this marriage so I and Sandy can try to put the pieces together and move forward with our lives independently. "Sandy, I know you were hoping for a different decision and quite honestly so was I but there has just been too much damage."

Epilogue:

It has been over two years since that fateful "surprise birthday party" week-end. We split everything 50/50 and Sandy didn't contest the divorce. We heard George Ames quit his job and moved out of the area shortly after he had tried to call Sandy. We never heard of him again.

Did I do the right thing? Hell if I know.

I found an apartment closer to my job. I don't go out much and have almost zero social life. I'm just not interested in getting into dating or even socializing for that matter. I will say Sandy called me a few weeks ago and we have talked over the phone a few times and it wasn't bad. I didn't feel the anger or hurt hardly at all. The conversation was pleasant and we talked about what was going on in our lives and other mundane things. Sounds like her life is about like mine. She says she has never dated anyone and really not interested in venturing out into the social scene. When we talked last night, she even suggested getting together for dinner. You know, I think I'm going to call her and set up a date with her. I know there is no going back to what we had before but maybe, just maybe, we can start a new relationship. If I'm honest with myself I still miss her.