Birthday Wish

Beer sloshed over the side of the cups as Aaron walked back to his seat. The crowd roared around him as something happened on the field. Horns played, and a loud chant began which normally he would have enjoyed, but the revelry made navigating through the stands all the more difficult. After an uncountable number of "excuse mes" and various apologies for stepping on people, he reached his seat. Kevin was whipped up in the crowd's roars and didn't notice his friend returning until the latter screamed the word "beer".

"Oh, sweet. How much do I owe you?" Kevin asked as he took two of the four large cups.

"I'm not telling you every fucking time. It's your birthday, so everything is on me." Aaron put the tray down between their seats while looking around suspiciously for anyone that might knock them over, though no one was paying attention to him as a pass was intercepted and the crowd turned into one loud boo.

After he'd voiced his own discontent, Kevin sat down beside Aaron. "So where to after this?"

Aaron finished a long gulp with a smack of his lips. "I thought we'd grab some food and then head over to Garland's. Finish up the night with a few whiskeys and then stagger home."

"Cheers to that," Kevin said as he took another drink. "Thanks for doing this, by the way. I spent my last birthday in Cleveland. I'd just moved in to that tiny apartment with that crazy fucking neighbor. I remember, I started that job two days before and already hated it."

"Can't believe you spent eight months in all of that," Aaron agreed. It had been his suggestion that his friend move to Boston. He'd gone to visit Kevin about three months after the move to Cleveland. Aaron found his friend living in a box like studio apartment in a not great neighborhood. He could still remember how ghastly Kevin looked when they met for lunch. Bags around his eyes, a growing paunch, slumping shoulders, and a humorless mood. Aaron floated the idea of Boston then, but at the time Kevin was adamant about staying his course. "Do you miss it at all? The old job?"

"Not one fucking bit. I mean, the money was nice, but a man can't live on gold alone."

"Bread alone. The saying is bread alone. Also, isn't that about —"

"Jesus Christ! Make a fucking tackle!" Kevin bellowed at the field. The field did not acknowledge him, but those around him harrumphed in agreement. "But yeah, new job pays alright. I think we just got sold a bag of goods."

"You're fucking terrible at sayings."

"Look, no shush that nonsense, I'm awesome at sayings. Not the point," he took another long drink from his cup. "Our generation got sold on the same idea as like our mom and dad who were tricked into it by the World War II people. Our parents got told they needed stuff. They couldn't just have a house and car. They need a big house and an expensive car, and it didn't stop there. They needed TVs and VCRs and other things that are letters. And the world kept moving on. So they had to get new TVs and new cars. Not even really because the old ones broke, but because the new ones were so much better. But it was ok because the big economy just kept things rolling. And then we came along."

"Bunch a useless piece of shits who can't hold down jobs," Aaron added.

"Right? So we head out expecting to keep up the tradition. But we can't pay for it. We mortgaged ourselves to pay for the education that was supposed to pay off the damn mortgage and have money left over. So here we all are, up to our neck in loans and still walking around with the fucking brand new iphone. So I took a long hard look, and, and, and everybody needs to do this. Our whole generation needs to collectively think about what we're spending our money on. So yeah, now I make less, but I'm happier. I don't need everything. I need just enough. And hell, just enough is hard enough to get anyway."

The crowd booed. For a moment, both of the young men considered that it was booing them. Aaron's attention turned to the field as the crowd's displeasure turned to a groan of resignation. The announcer blared the score as if to grind salt into the wounds. Aaron drained his beer and went for the other, "Come on then, let's get out of here before the rush starts. Finish those up."

Kevin grinned after finishing a long gulp. "Remember that time back in college when we were at a Halloween party that we were not supposed to be at?"

"Sure, that fraternity that everyone hated. Something psi? Bunch of douche bags."

"Were you with us when we barricaded ourselves in the beer room?"

"I was not, but I do remember the commotion as some guys started to get a couch to use as a battering ram. Felicity and I ducked out the front at that point."

Kevin paused for a moment as he searched for a memory, "Oh, yeah, Felicity. Yeesh, there's one you can try to drink away."

"She wasn't all bad. As long as she wasn't talking anyway," he took a quick sip while he watched the field. "She liked butt stuff. Like, reeeally liked it." Aaron noticed that Kevin's grin had faded. "Anyway, you locked yourself in the beer room?"

"Yeah, I think it was me and Dobber. Remember him? Not the sharpest fork in the drawer."

"Ok, there's no way you think that's the right saying —"

"— So some guys come up to us and start asking who we know and all this stuff. It's pretty clear they're about to kick us out. So I just bluff a name and say, oh I know John or whoever, and it kind of worked. The two guys blunder off into the party, I assume to find the guy I told them I knew. Dobber was ready to fight someone, and those guys came up to about Dobber's chin so I figured we should go. We decide to get another beer first so we go in this room that's empty except for us and two other guys who were clearly not members. I go to get a beer and before I know it, Dobber has slammed the door and dragged a dresser thing in front of it. He looks at us with that lazy eye of his and says we have to drink as much as we can before they get in the room."

"Hang on. I wasn't with Felicity, I remember this now. I'm the one that got your asses out of there." The rest of the memory flooded back over them. "You two idiots had locked yourself in a second story room that was one over from the fire escape. So I run out around back and up to the second floor while they're trying to break in and kill you or something. I pull all of you out and over to the fire escape. Cause that's when Dobber stole that stupid fucking tiger statue that sat around his apartment for the next year and a half. And your drunk ass starts handing me bottle after bottle of liquor you decided to steal which wound up with all of us plus two randos booking it across campus hugging half a dozen bottles to our chest while a mob of frat guys chased after us."

Kevin laughed. "And then they got stopped by the police while we made out like bandits."

They finished their beers. "I wonder what Dobber did with that statue."

"He gave it back," Kevin answered. "Graduation day, or the night before I guess, he put a bow around its neck and left it on their doorstep."

"I didn't know that. He was a good egg."

"Simpler times." Kevin wistfully swirled the last of his beer before downing it. "We going?"

***

The denizens of the bar all turned an eye to the two young men as they entered. Aaron and Kevin were no strangers to the off beat establishment. They even had their own booth. Aaron dispatched Kevin to their seats while he headed to the bar. "Two whiskeys, please. How ya doing, Sam?"

Sam, the bartender, was already in the process of pouring the drinks. "Oh, can't complain. You boys comin in from the game?"

"Sure, we stopped off to eat. Terrible game," Aaron's comment got a few murmurs from down the bar.

Sam placed the two drinks in front of him. "Fuckin terrible. You'd think they'd rubbed hog grease on their hands before each snap. Big crowd there though?"

"Big enough for the season we're having," he handed over his credit card. "Say, Sam, can you do like a flaming Bacardi shot?"

Sam laughed as he ran the card and handed it back. "You know I don't do any of that trick shit. You want a drink, I'll make the drink, but I'm not setting my bar on fire."

"Come on, it's Kevin's birthday."

"Then sing him fucking happy birthday for fuck's sake. What the hell do you want to burn good rum for?"

Again, the bar murmured in agreement. "Like a birthday candle," Aaron explained. "Sort of like blowing out the candles on a cake. You could bring it over and then he does the wish thing, blows it out, and we take a shot. It's...festive?"

Sam wrinkled his brow as he blinked several times. "That's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard." He leaned over the bar to get closer. "This is the problem with your fucking generation. You all grew up with birthday cakes and trophies for participation and god know what else. I'm not walking around my bar with liquid fuckin fire."

"Ok, fine. Can you just pour the shot. and we'll light it on fire?"

A few of the older patrons chided Sam for being a spoil sport. "Bah," Sam relented. "I'll make the damn shots when you want them here at the bar. His is free cause its his birthday, but yours fucking double. Insurance purposes."

"Fair enough!" Aaron grabbed the whiskeys and headed over to the table before Sam could draw him into another lecture.

When he arrived at the booth, Kevin had his phone out and was hunched over it as though he were hiding food from starving prisoners. "Thanks," he muttered as he slid the drink over and took a swig from it. "I'm flagging a little bit. Eating kind of turned my buzz into being sleepy."

"Gotta power through. The answer is always to double down. What's the worst that could happen?"

Kevin dropped his phone on the table and slid it over to the wall. "We used to say that right before we did some kind of heinous shit."

"Like the night you hooked up with Carla Newport," Aaron said pointedly.

Kevin shook his head, "Naw, man, that never happened."

"Sure it did. Junior year. I think after we'd been out at the bars half the day for the baseball game. We got back to the apartment, and she dragged you off to your room. You came out of there the next morning smiling like a dog."

"Yeah, but we didn't do anything. She left after all of you had passed out. Ever wonder why we never saw her again?"

Aaron realized that he'd never seen the girl again after that night. "Shit, you didn't murder her or something did you?"

"No, no. I was drunk, and she wanted to fool around. I told her I didn't want to. She started wigging out about me not finding her attractive or whatever. I was too fucking out of it to argue with her so I told her to leave. She stormed out. I passed out. We talked a little after that, but that was the end of it. That's probably as close as I've ever been."

"Been to what?"

"Getting laid," Kevin answered flatly.

Aaron stared at his friend with pure confusion on his face. His mind raced back over the years. He counted up the nights in his head where Kevin had stolen away with some girl. Aaron couldn't believe it because he'd lived it. "Say what now? What about that girl Lucy? You were with her for like a month. All that time and you never...did anything?"

"We fooled around a little, but technically no actual sex."

"So you're still a virgin?"

Kevin's face reddened slightly. "I guess so."

Aaron was speechless. He took a drink to buy some time before he responded. Of course, back then, Kevin had joined in with bragging about things like all the guys they knew. He'd had girls in his room overnight, and he'd dated several for at least a month. It didn't change anything of course, but it did force Aaron to confront the idea that he didn't know as much about his friend as he thought, which was at least a little unsettling. The whiskey burned as it slid down his throat. With it went his disbelief, his face brightened as he put down the glass and said, "So do you want to get laid? I know some girls, and they're not exactly prostitutes."

"Jesus man c'mon."

"What? It's your birthday! That V-Card got too much dust on it. Why the wait?"

Kevin shook his head again, this time his face a beet red. "You wouldn't believe me."

"Look, this ain't masterpiece theater so cut to the end. You brought this shit up, clearly it's on your mind, so go ahead and spill it."

Kevin sighed, took another sip, and answered, "You're right. Lucy and I got really close. We actually...tried. There were some anatomical problems."

"Like your dick didn't work?"

"No," he lowered his voice to a whisper. "I was too big."

"Get the fuck out. Your excuse for still being a virgin is that your dick is too big? That's bullshit. Don't bullshit me. Get your dick out. C'mon, dick on the table."

Kevin held up his hands and shook his head, "See, this is why I don't talk about it."

Aaron watched his friend carefully. "Holy shit, you're not lying. But, is your dick just big or did she have a small vagina. I mean Lucy wasn't exactly petite, but that shit's kind of independent of the rest of your body."

"No...I tried with someone else. She was pretty excited by the idea, but when it came down to brass taxes...it didn't fit. I sort of got part of it in."

Aaron's eyes were wide. "You better not be fucking with me. And you goddamn know it's brass tacks and not taxes. The fuck would brass taxes be?"

"A tax on brass," he answered genuinely. He drained his drink. "It bothers me. I've read stuff about it. Like girls always talk about wanting some kind of big dick, but we evolved to fit in their plumbing. I could probably force it, but I imagine that would hurt the girl pretty badly. No one's been interested in trying."

"Alright, well, we've learned something. And now we just need to keep our eyes peeled for a woman with a pretty big vagina. Not exactly sure how you spot that, but we'll look." Aaron finished his drink as well. "Come on. We'll finish this weird conversation later. Let's do some shots."

Aaron led the way over to the bar where Sam glowered at him, but grabbed a bottle. With expert precision he prepared the shots while the rest of the bar looked on seemingly pleased to have a little variety for their distraction. Finally he put a pack of matches on the bar and walked away muttering to himself. Aaron quickly struck a match and lit the tops of the two shot glasses. "There ya go. Make a wish and blow out the booze." Kevin half glared and half smiled as he blew gently on the shot and gulped it down. Aaron did the same. "Happy birthday, buddy."

***

Kevin followed Aaron down the hallway with languid steps. "I could have just taken a cab."

Aaron fumbled with his keys. "Cab would cost a damn fortune. Besides, we're not done drinking yet." After a great deal of effort, he opened his apartment door with a loud bang. Kevin followed him in and immediately went over to the couch to sit down. Aaron, instead, went to the fridge and grabbed two beers. He handed one over to Kevin. "Drink up, birthday boy. Then I'm kicking your ass in some Mario Kart. I'm just gonna go piss."

He staggered down the hallway to the bathroom. Despite drinking a considerable amount, Aaron was surprised by how drunk he felt. He attributed it to a loss of tolerance since his college drinking days, but was frustrated to see Kevin being able to hold his liquor better. Once in the bathroom, he closed the door behind him, put the beer on the counter, and pulled up his shirt. Rather than take it off entirely, he attempted to look at his chest while holding the shirt in front of his face. After cursing himself for his own stupidity, he shucked off the shirt and examined his body. About an hour after they'd arrived at the bar, he'd noticed his chest felt odd, as if an invisible needle kept lightly touching his skin. He'd even examined himself in the bar bathroom, convinced some kind of bug had gotten under his shirt. He'd found nothing then as he found nothing now, but he'd begun to worry he was having some kind of allergic reaction.

Bringing his hands up to his chest, he ran his fingers over the smooth skin and suddenly realized what was wrong. How had he not realized it before? Aaron was not a hairy man, but he had decent tuft of chest hair, except, he didn't have it any more. His skin was as smooth as the day he was born. He leaned closer to the mirror, astonished at the sudden change. Further, entire chest seemed different, less broad in a way. Choosing to ignore the troubling signs, he went over to pee. Opening his pants, he reached down to take hold of his dick like he'd done a thousand times before, but instead, he grabbed nothing. A wave of disphoric confusion washed over him as series of new thoughts entered his head.

Aaron's heart thumped loudly in his chest. He could almost feel individual, new nerves activating. Where moments before he had felt a familiar presence, he now felt something entirely different. Trembling, he fingers reached down between his legs and touched wet lips. He swallowed hard as his palm slid over a hairless mound and his finger pushed inside a brand new pussy. The shock almost tipped him over. He grabbed hold of the towel rack to steady himself before moving back over to the mirror. "Calm...calm down. Talk it through, talk it through. You're having a hallucination or something. Did you take anything? How did you get here?" His mind raced. He'd never taken any extreme mind altering substances before, but that didn't mean it hadn't happened to him tonight. Step by step he recounted the entire day, down to his arrival in the bathroom. Nothing he could remember would do this. Do what? he thought. This is real. I can feel it. Not just with my hand, but inside of me. Part of me. I feel empty. I...

A wave of tingling heat rushed over his body, as if he'd stepped out of a cool room into a hot wind. While it spread over every inch of his body, it concentrated mostly on his chest. He looked in the mirror and saw why. The flesh behind his rosy nipples bulged forward. I'm growing tits. Jesus Christ. He watched in astonishment as two curved orbs grew out from his chest. Tentatively, he brought his hand up to cup the budding bosom, admiring how the growing tissue filled up his hands and grew heavy. These are the kind of boobs a man would kill to play with. God what would it feel like to have a hot mouth on my nipple, tongue swirling around that hard little — "The fuck. What the fuck am I thinking?" he blurted out, trying to drown out the invading thoughts. As he tried to comprehend his new breasts, he noticed his pants getting tight, even though he had unfastened them earlier. Craning his head around, he was able to see his butt swelling out into a round apple shape that fit snugly into his jeans. "Alright, either I'm tripping balls somehow or something crazy fucking weird is happening. Either way, I need help." His eyes went to the door, and he prepared himself for Kevin's shock.

Aaron yelled down the hall as he walked, "Kevin! Something messed up is happening?"

"Why's your voice sound—Holy fuck!" Kevin covered his eyes. "Jesus, lady, I'm sorry. Aaron! Who the fuck is this?"

"It's me, jackass, put your fucking hand down."

Kevin slowly let himself look. Standing in front of him was a topless woman with great tits wearing Aaron's pants. "What do you mean it's you?"

"I mean, it's me! It's Aaron! I went to take a piss, and my dick's gone, and suddenly I'm all hairless and growing titties. We gotta go to the hospital or something."

Kevin's face went white. "That's impossible. That can't have happened."

He looks nice doesn't he. The strange voice in Aaron's head grew louder and more insistent. He's been working out. And of course, you remember what he talked about earlier. I wonder if he was telling the truth. Could he really have a cock down there that's too big for most girls? "What are you talking about?" Aaron said in a near whisper. The bass had dropped from his voice. It sound more like that pesky voice in his head than his own.