All Comments on 'Bisexual Tendril Machine Ep. 01'

I gave this a quick once over. I'll try to give more specific/useful feedback when I have some time for a closer reading. In a time crunch at the moment.

Over all, I loved it. Evocative with strong imagery.

Kyle is muted as a character, but it feels like he's supposed to be. Not a criticism. Just subjective feedback as to his impact. Mistress Payge, is a great character. Over-the-top in a good way. I can picture her in a Bond villain-y, comic book sort of role. I can almost hear her speaking in a strong, clipped tone of voice.

I'd reconsider using italics for lengthy sections of prose. I don't think they add anything here, and they can be hard on the eyes in large doses. In this case, the prose is strong enough that it doesn't need signposted. Italics are best used as a spice, for emphasis, here and there. They can overpower when overdone. Always serve the story, and if italics are a hill you're willing to die on, I respect that. I may be missing their intent. But if it isn't essential style choice, maybe find another way.

If you want fine-tooth-comb feedback, I's suggest a few edits here and there, but nothing that amounts to a deal breaker. This is solid. You should be proud of it.

Best, Pure

Thank you for your kind comments. I see a rather embarrassing mistake. I clearly forgot to turn the italics off after the subsection title. My apologies. This is why I am slowing down. and only posting one episode a week from now on. This came to me in a flash of inspiration and I had the first four episodes mostly done the same weekend. But the devil's in the details and I clearly missed a major one.

Thank you for this very nice story. I look forward to reading the rest of the series.

Thank you. I hope you enjoy the direction it takes.

This was really good, I enjoyed reading it.

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It’s a shorter story, but all you really needed was one long scene and you accomplished what you set out to. I thought there was an elegance and style to what you wrote, while you had a firm grip on the pacing which afforded this a nice flow.

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I’m a big fan of mind control as a genre anyway, but this is right in my wheelhouse due to my fascination with villainesses using mind control to enslave their new toys. Mistress Payge ticks a lot of boxes for me, and the way she spoke really brought her to life. I completely bought the fact that she had an unwavering belief in the power of her tendril machine, and that she knew that Kyle never stood a chance. That said, I do feel you could’ve given us a bit more of a physical description of her assets, which would’ve made for a delightful psychological battle playing out in Kyle’s mind.

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There were some mistakes that were a little unusual, in that it felt like you had missed words out of some sentences, which I felt was due to your pursuit of the elegance I mentioned earlier. It didn’t ruin the experience, but balance is important. Sometimes, less is more. That said, don’t just rely on your spell-check software. Read your story before you publish it and you’ll catch those instances. I also think that any mind control story that resorts to “Resistance is futile” is a little too derivative, which can be remedied with a little more imagination. Also, don’t have both of your characters speaking in the same paragraph.

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Obviously, you switched things up and had entire sections in italics. It can work for style purposes, but I didn’t like that. I actually don’t know why you made that choice. It wasn’t really made clear in the document. The same goes for the headings. They can work because Kyle was doomed, but even so, readers like me cherish the ongoing psychological battle in mind control stories. It felt like you were telegraphing things, but that’s just me.

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One thing about Mistress Payge, she’s a terrific character who jumps off the screen. But when she started talking like this - “Don't you fucking cum!" – that felt like too much of a swing in the other direction. She’s always in control, and she has such a captivating aura, but I didn’t believe she’d resort to talking like a cheap dominatrix with cards posted in a London phone booth. To me, she’d have benefited from being more mysterious, sophisticated, cryptic and almost aloof, because she knew with certainty that Kyle was going to be hers. Even so, a little flash of cleavage, or accentuation of her other physical assets, would’ve also been welcome here.

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In the end, the cum eating was a bit strong. Mainstream readers will need a strong constitution to absorb that without recoiling. But it worked here because you added an important line – “And eventually, you'll be swallowing the cum of anyone else I command you to.” – which grounded the ending. It was a statement of control, which is a staple of the genre, which took Kyle well out of his comfort zone as a heterosexual male. So, while I was momentarily disgusted, you paid that off in an appropriate manner. That’s a great example of both your discipline and control as a writer.

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There’s a lot to like here. I’d be keen to read your longer stories and your skills in the mind control genre are already really impressive. If you’re a fan like me, you already know that there are a million different ways to write a compelling induction scene, which is exactly what you did here. Despite me pointing to some smaller issues above, I’m happy that this is a five-star piece of work and I’m certain that you’ll be even better in the near future.

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You’re one to watch, and anyone who does pay attention to your work won’t regret it.

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80/100. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Thank you so much. I enjoy this kind of feedback. I like knowing what my readers think works and what doesn't. That being said, my formatting mistakes in this are glaring. I hate to admit it, but the italics were a formatting mistake that I thought I caught. Obviously, I didn't.

I especially like your comments on what sounds like a character's true voice. Your observations were spot on. That particular phrase stuck out to me, but I chose not to change it. On the other hand, If i do "resistance is futile," that is wink and a nod to my readers and the genre. I hope you'll forgive me that. The line I want to hear in every Star Wars movie is: "I've got a bad feeling about this." LOL